Who would like to critique my rough draft

Colleges & Universities University of Pennsylvania
1

<p>This is the rough draft of my first experiences essay. I am just going to paste it since PMing will take to long. Be as harsh as you wish.</p>

<pre><code> I felt a chill run down my spine. My predicament would make a grown man tremble, let alone a five year old boy. My parents had been whipping me into shape for some time now, my presentation had become a mantra. After weeks of anticipation, the time had finally come to see whether I would thrive, as my friends and family had, or flounder. Conversations around the kitchen table had lead me to believe that my journey would take me to places that I had only heard about. My apprehension slowly built as I climbed out of the car, my mom held me close and my dad carried my bag as we made our way to the door of the first house on the street. My parents tried to calm me and were quick to give me a reassuring smile whenever I glanced their way. My hand briefly shook as I reached out to ring the doorbell. I knew that if I rang the bell a door would be opened which, when if entered, would drastically change my life.

The door opened, the owner gave me an inquisitive look before focusing on my parents. A brief awkward moment and then my mother spoke, “Good morning, I am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and my son has something to say that you might be interested in”. Butterflies? No, it seemed as if a marching band was parading in my stomach. “Hello”, I paused as I struggled to remember my presentation, “ My name is Desmond and I am here with the latest two copies of the Watchtower and Awake. There is a very interesting article on Samuel that I thought that you might be interested in. Would you like to read these magazines in your spare time?” I glanced up at her expectantly awaiting her reply, I did not have to wait long. She seemed to hesitate before saying “I’m sorry but I am not interested today. I am quite happy the way I am and I don’ t feel as if I need to change.” Heartbroken I told her to have a nice day and then with my parents in tow turned and headed to the next house.

My experience on that day twelve years ago has definitely had a positive impact on my life. For one, I have learned that in order to truly be able to claim to have succeeded at something, you must first suffer some setbacks. Though I was rejected at my very first door, I went on to place several magazines that day. When it comes to the University of Pennsylvania, I realize that it is reach for everyone so if I am not accepted I know that I have tried my best
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2

<p>Ddotdes, your writing style is good. I noticed a few grammatical errors (“…around the kitchen table had led me…” and the comma in “Heartbroken, I told her…”). I think you’re focusing a lot on recounting your experience, and less on what you’ve learnt from it. It would be nice if you could balance that out a little. Hope it works out! :)</p>

3

<p>Great topic! I would expand on your successes a bit and how your religious practices have influenced your life. I also think it would be better to end with a positive, rather than negative. It might be perceived as “Go ahead and reject me, I can take it”.</p>

4

<p>Alright Thanks a lot guys!!! Anyone else?</p>

5

<p>Bumpity bump</p>

6

<p>Yeah, you don’t even need to mention Penn
Your essay shows your character and mentality without a forced statement like that at the end</p>

7

<p>it seems like half an essay in a way. could you add to it. i get the impression that just as we begin to see who you are it comes to an abrupt ending with a quick rundown of the moral of the story. just trying to be constructive.</p>