<p>Since my daughter hasnt graduated from college yet, I think it is safe to say that practically every thing she owns, we paid for in some way.
Her room at home is filled with boxes of books and clothes that she wants to get rid of, because she wants less stuff to keep track of.
Thats a fine sentiment, but I think she should at least let us see if we want any of the books ( many are literature books), if not the clothes.
She doesnt, and she even admonished me rather harshly for opening one of the boxes.
( it was a cardboard flap box and overstuffed- it popped open & there wasnt anything in it but sweatshirts anyway)
She is planning on taking it to Goodwill herself, because she doesnt trust me to do so.
( she stopped off by home this weekend to get a ride back to school and took a bag or two of books to give away, including a nice edition of Maus that I wanted to read)
Im not sure why she is so intent on getting rid of her stuff, it isnt like she is planning on living here again, but I expect someday she will wish she held on to some if it.</p>
<p>What do you think?
Should I just let go of the fact that we paid for it, and acknowledge they are her belongings?
I see two sides.</p>
<p>If they were textbooks, I could see her wanting to get cash back, but other that maybe there is stuff she doesn’t want you to see. Of course, if that was the case, she probably took away anything you don’t want her to see.</p>
<p>Sounds like a power struggle to me. “I’m a grown up now and you can’t tell me what to do with my stuff.” Sorry if this offends, but I only see one side. Bratty and immature. She admonished you? Harshly? If it were my kid, she’d find her stuff on the front lawn. As my kids say…I ain’t got time for that. Especially when the ink on the college tuition checks is barely dry. </p>
<p>If I had paid for it, I would want the tax donation for donating it. I am guessing that there are clothes in there that you (or some relative) bought her that you really like and she doesn’t. And she doesn’t want an argument about it. I’d tell her to take out anything she really doesn’t want you to see and take care of that herself, but then you are going to inventory and photograph so you can take the tax deduction. Or you can make a ballpark estimate of what the deduction would gain you and she could just pay you that in cash…</p>
<p>I agree that your D is being a bit of a brat about it, but I’ve never given my kids things in the process of growing up that I expected to have the right to decide what to keep or not once they were grown. I did keep some baby clothes from each, all nicely boxed up and which I’m sure none of them will ever put on their own kids, if they have any. And I’ve kept some of their kid books. Some were signed “to” and “from” now-deceased grandparents and great-grandparents. </p>
<p>But the rest? That’s their stuff and up to them. In fact, they’re more sentimental about it than I am. I’ve moved plenty and the more you keep, the more you have to move again some day. My feeling has always been that someone in need might actually be able to use that stuff that might otherwise sit in a box somewhere. I’d rather my kids give it up than have it go to waste. The really meaningful things are theirs to keep as they wish.</p>
<p>I do feel bad, EK, that now this younger D is kind of walking on you. Your girls are sometimes very disrespectful to you, and I’m sorry for that.</p>
<p>The clothes I would let her deal with, but if they are going to Goodwill then I would address the subject of the tax receipt. Kids don’t think of these things. But as far as the books that you want to read, I would be more aggressive on that one. Why would she give away books that you would like to read? Seems mean spirited to me. Or is there another family member encouraging her to “purge” her room and not let you take items back? Sometimes I get the impression from some of your posts that there might be communication issues in the family. Or perhaps it is an “under current” I sense. </p>
<p>Yes, you paid for it, but you bought it for her . . . so it’s hers.</p>
<p>If there is one thing you want to keep, to remind you of her younger days, ask her if she might be willing to let you have that one thing. But, ultimately, it’s her stuff and her decision.</p>
<pre><code>Dd has some valuable dolls that she may sell at some point, and even though I paid for them long ago, I do see them as hers to keep or sell, at her discretion. I consider her clothes and books in the same light. But if I asked her not to get rid of something because it meant something to me, I’d expect her to respect that, and I’d be surprised and a little hurt if she didn’t. When I go through my closets, I hold anything out that I think she or her brother might want, too. The tax receipts are another point, but that isn’t the heart of it for me; it’s the cooperation and the fact that we’re family and we are considerate of one another.
</code></pre>
<p>Exactly! This seems rebellious and mean. It’s not about who paid but I would not be at all happy if my kid insisted on giving away things I wanted. It wouldn’t happen. S was just home and without asking gave me a pile of old clothes to deal with for him. The privacy issue I will never understand. I’m allowed to go into their rooms and touch whatever I want. Always have been, always will be; and it’s never been an issue. If they are not home I may see their stuff. Duh. Not a problem.</p>
<p>I am more of the pick and choose you battles person. Is the “stuff” or the tax deduction worth the strife? Stuff is just stuff…a good relationship with your daughter is forever.</p>
<p>Whenever we donate anything to Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity or any charity, I have to make a very detailed list documenting every item. Then DH uses ebay or other means to assign a value to each item in order to include the deduction for our taxes. I suppose you could tell your daughter that you agree not to look as long as she provides you with an itemized list of everything she donates along with the current market value of each item for your 2014 taxes. Somehow, I suspect she won’t want to do this.</p>
<p>I agree with the earlier posters who feel that she’s way out of line with her attitude. I don’t think you should worry that some day she may regret giving something away but the fact that you bought most of this stuff and provided storage for it until she decided she didn’t want it means that if you want to go through it, you are entitled. At least, that would be my position. My DD is currently paring down much of what she’s left at our house and I don’t think it would ever occur to her to tell me not to look in the bags and boxes she’s donating.</p>
<p>Its more the books than the clothes. I just like books. I expect she thinks she is doing us a favor & she probably is, because its unlikely I would have read half of them, but her dad probably would have.</p>
<p>I was just surprised by her response. Especially considering the way she " borrows" my stuff when shes here.
;)</p>
<p>I agree it isnt worth an argument, and I think I surprised myself by my reaction.
Especially considering the oldest has been storing her stuff here as well and Ive tried to get a commitment from her in the past on what we could get rid of.
Although both kids have asked me if we have this or that book, and I go crazy trying to find it for them until I realize I did get rid of it a while back.
I need to make lists.</p>
<p>It’s your daughter’s right to decide what to do with her belongings. Stinks that she will not allow you to hold on to it, but her right to make that decision. Or did you tell her that you were loaning her the clothing and books?</p>
<p>I would not feel right claiming the tax donation. The property belongs to the daughter because it was given to the daughter. Then again, if she is still a dependent on your taxes, maybe. But mine are adults now, and their stuff still at my house (too expensive to ship all those beanie babies and books and whatnot to AK) is theirs, not mine. No different IMO than claiming stuff that my neighbor donated. But to each their own with the moral/ethical decisions.</p>
<p>Not a hill worth dying on, IMO, but it is a shame your D is not more cooperative with you.
I am for letting the issue and the stuff go, and patronizing the local library for books to read.</p>
<p>It is really not the issue of whose stuff is it. Even if your D had bought all the stuff with her own money, why wouldn’t she let you have what you want before she gave it away. Doesn’t charity begin at home? Now, if you have a habit of not throwing anything away and she is afraid you are going to end up keeping everything, then that’s a different story. </p>
<p>Yes! Charity begins at home. That’s perfect. The idea of a family member preferring to throw things out or donate them to charity rather than allowing mom to keep them is upsetting to say the least. It’s an in-your-face power play. Sure, it’s hers and maybe not worth a fight but it’s not okay. Sorry.</p>
<p>D sent me a very nice email late last night apologing for her behavior.
I expect she was upset that she missed her ride back to school, even though it wasn’t her fault, and felt guilty that she had to depend on us to get her back there.
Still not good to take it out on the mom, but perhaps soon she will recognize that * before* she dumps on me.</p>