Why am I treated like this?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi Guys!</p>

<p>I don’t know if this is the right forum to ask but I really need an advice. Please help me understand my aunt. I am close to hating her. While visiting my grandmother, she told me that she plans to go to NY to visit my aunt, and she wants me to accompany her there. Spending time with my aunt is probably the last thing on my mind. I say this, because I had a bad experience with her in the past. I don’t know if people change or maybe it was my fault. Anyway, in my own eyes, she really treated me wrongly in the past. The problem is she doesn’t know it or I don’t know. It seems as if she isn’t aware of her actions.</p>

<p>When I was like 16 when I first arrived here in US. A few months after that, my aunt visited us and she seems nice and she invited me to go some places and have fun. I told her I don’t have money, and she said it’s fine and I just need to bring my clothes and some essentials. So, there were 6 of us in the trip: me , my 2 cousins, my grandmother, my aunt and her husband. After like 6 hours of travelling, we arrive in our destination, and we all ended up staying in a small one bedroom motel. Then, it becomes even more horrible, when during the entire trip, she acted as if I don’t exist. Also, even though she knows my grandmother can’t go hiking in the mountains, she insisted anyway, and I ended up stuck in the van with my grandmother because she can’t go hiking. She also walks really fast, and only talks to my 2 other cousins (not her children, she doesn’t have any). When we went home, I was really depressed, I felt hurt and offended. I was even more offended when I have heard she went travelling to Europe after that and other countries and was actually very nice to my other cousins. </p>

<p>Until now, I still don’t understand why she invited me even though she doesn’t like me, or what I have done wrong for her to treat me horribly. Other people seem to have a good encounter with her, she is actually not stingy, and she would buy expensive clothes for herself and people that she likes. It’s been 4 years, and I still don’t want to see her. Well, we did see each other in 4 years once, and she was sweet and we talk briefly, but I am still not over with what happened in the past. No one talked about it. No one complained. I am the only one who seems to have painful memories of it, and that hurts more. Everyone talked about how great she is, but why I am seeing a different side of her? I really find her rude sending me clothes that are like 2 decades old, and fits the body of a 7 year old, or the fact that she sends me 20 dollars on Christmas while giving more than a hundred to my other cousin. </p>

<p>Why does she keep on doing this? Why not just ignore me and not give me “gifts”? How do I talk to someone who pretends that nothing is wrong?</p>

2

<p>Just say “no”. Absent yourself from the negative situation. The only thing you can control is your actions. Do so. </p>

<p>Mom? Dad? Maybe not so easy if you are financially dependent. Aunt? Psshaw! Blow her off.</p>

3

<p>Not disagreeing with my friend, curmudgeon… because I don’t think you owe your aunt a visit, or need to spend time with her if you don’t want to.</p>

<p>However, I think in this case your grandmother is asking you to go with her to your aunt’s. I don’t know whether your grandmother needs you (ie can’t go by herself) or just wants to spend time with you or what. But either of those reasons <em>might</em> be a good enough one for you to consider going.</p>

<p>How long is the trip? If you want to go, to please or help your grandmother, I would suggest you work hard to teach yourself the skill of “considering the source.” Your aunt’s behavior, as you described it, is unpleasant and unkind. It’s no reflection on you. It’s a problem within herself. Just try to ignore her and not let her treatment of you affect how you feel about yourself. Not easy, of course. But in extended families there can often be times when we need to choose who we attend to and who we just try to tune out.</p>

4

<p>Some people are just like that…I would assume she invited you because either she wanted to or your grandmother suggested it. Your grandmother may want you there to help HER. If that is the case go. If not, then don’t go. Consider it a trip for your grandmother and cater to her…ignore, but be pleasant to the others but have a GREAT time and enjoy the time with your grandmother…as she will not be with you forever.</p>

5

<p>I really don’t want to go with my grandmother, but she needs me because she can’t travel alone. I think we will be staying there for like a week. It’s all up to me; it’s probably during thanksgiving or just when I have a week of no classes. So, I still have time to think about it. I already dreaded it even though it’s still far away. I want to say no, but my grandma is somewhat depressed because her favorite grandchild (my brother whom she raised and grow up here) just went to the military. I don’t know if I even have the choice of saying no, because no one is willing to accompany my grandmother, apparently all my aunts are busy with work and family. I don’t’ know how important it is for my grandmother to have change of scenery or go to NY, all I know is that she looks horrible, and heard she cries a lot nowadays. I hope she will get over it, and decided not to take me with her. Or I hope my aunt in NY would just travel here, and take my grandma with her. I don’t know why she could not do that either. </p>

<p>Sometimes I think, maybe they want something more from me. Then, I remember what happened in the past again. I think I am getting paranoid. You see, my grandmother is not any better than my aunt. In fact, she probably give me more decent gift, but treated me like a maid. My aunt treated me as if I don’t exist. Yet, my grandmother treated me as her subordinate. She makes me do all the household chores because she doesn’t like seeing my aunt lift a finger. When my grandma was sick, everyone just gave her flowers , but a 16 year old me, took good care of my grandmother, feeding her, etc. I didn’t even receive thanks. They just thought it was natural or something that I should be doing. </p>

<p>I know, now I am starting to get weird. I should just stop thinking of the past, or myself. This is not about me, I guess, it’s about my grandmother. She is going through a hard time, and I felt guilty thinking that maybe she wants me to accompany her because she needs a maid, and she gets shy around my aunt and her husband. My grandmother always felt like she needs to clean their house, cook, etc. She is getting older, and I felt like she sees me as her assistant. I don’t think she changed. Even with my brief visits with her, she always gives me chores, and would ask me to eat last so I could babysit the kids. </p>

<p>My parents are not saying anything either. I told my parents about what happened before, and then they did get somewhat mad. We stop visiting them for like a year. But they never really talk about what happened. Then, we started visiting my relatives again. They are all my father’s brothers and sisters, and now, they are all starting to bond because they have some conflict before. That’s my problem: everyone is starting to be nice to each other, except for me. I still feel my aunt and my grandma’s bad attitude towards me. My uncle don’t talk to me, so it is alright. The irony is, I am the only girl in the family. I don’t know if it means something, but all of my cousins are little boys. They all got married late, and some of them don’t have kids. Could that be a reason? Me, being female? I don’t think that is part of our culture. I haven’t really felt it back in my country. Could my grandmother treat me like a maid, because she misses her maids in my country? She used to have several of them.</p>

6

<p>Dear Ploamble:</p>

<pre><code> You ARE being treated poorly. You ARE being used and emotionally manipulated. If your family needs help, let them hire it out.

You need to focus on your schoolwork and social life. It’s time for you to stand up for yourself. When asked to go/do different things, simply say, I won’t be able to do that. Sorry.

Guess what? As Mary Poppins says, “I don’t explain anything.” What I mean is that you owe nobody an explanation.
</code></pre>

<p>Love,</p>

<p>Sonssecty</p>

7

<p>What a posionous family. If a direct and heartfelt “No” won’t work (still my first choice by far) try “I can’t. School requirements (report/paper/project) won’t allow it”. </p>

<p>

I really don’t get the no choice aspect here. Their lives are more important than yours? Is your middle name “Doormat”? Screw’em. If it’s that important , they can do it. Tell them to leave you the hell alone. If not, you have only yourself to blame. Look in the mirror, do you like what you see? If not, change the channel. JMO but this crap boils my blood. Stand up.</p>

8

<p>Look for “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. It’s a great book, even if the problem is an aunt instead of a parent. It will help you see the situation through other people’s eyes. </p>

<p>I’m bothered that you are confusing gifts with levels of love. Leave the “stuff” out of your thinking. You go or stay because of your feelings, not because of what goodies you might or might not get. </p>

<p>I think you are being very insightful about the maid service! I’ve lived places were commonplace, and boy, do I miss them now that I have to clean the bathrooms! Maybe one pro-active thing to do is say “I am part of this family and I will happily do twenty minutes of chores in the morning and twenty minutes in the afternoon but more than that is not normal for an American teen. Tell me what you want me to do for tomorrow’s twenty minutes.” In this way, you are being cheerful, loving and mature – but you are also setting boundaries. If auntie or others want more, you are now in a position of power and can say “look, I cheerfully did X, Y and Z and it is now Cousin Michael’s turn.” – then leave the room. (Can’t argue with you if you are not there). </p>

<p>It IS reasonable to expect a healthy, young person to help some with family members who are older and needy – but not all day long and not as a scolded maid. You can also say “I’d like to help, but I don’t want to feel like a maid. Auntie, please tell me how you see the days of this trip unfolding. What work do you expect of me? What will my free time be?” Make notes and then show them to her if the deal changes!
Good luck!</p>

9

<p>I agree with curmudgeon (I usually do). I am curious … what country is your family originally from? While you say that it wasn’t like this in your former country, perhaps that is because you were younger when you were there. Maybe it would be the same for you now? I don’t know … it’s just a thought. The bottom line, though, is that you live in the U.S. now & you are free to say, “Bite me!” and do your own thing. You are being taken advantage of, and you shouldn’t feel guilty standing up for yourself.</p>

10

<p>You really need to stand up for yourself and say no.<br>
While it may be easier said than done, you don’t have to be anyone’s doormat. Trust me, I’ve been there and done that, but not anymore.
You will feel better once you start taking care of your needs.</p>

11

<p>Just say NO! Don’t let them lay a guilt trip on you. You have better things to do with your time than be treated like a doormat. Say Never Again and mean it! Then make yourself “unavailable” during the week you were supposed to take the trip.</p>

12

<p>Thanks guys for all the reply. I guess I was really being a doormat. I am beginning to see life differently now. I can’t believe that the people who are going to take advantage of me are my own family. So far, I made some friends here. While my relatives told me that life in US is hard. I think that my life here in US became depressing because of them.<br>
Outside of family, I was able to meet wonderful friends from different ethnic background, and we all help each other. I find genuine love from them, and I felt that we are all helping each other to better ourselves. The reason why I was emotionally weak was because I haven’t experience this kind of treatment from my relatives back in Philippines. My aunts and uncle there are really fun to be with, and they truly cares about me. Here, they act so different. </p>

<p>Now, I am a 100 percent sure, I am not going. The only reason why I was considering it was because I really love my grandmother, and I don’t like seeing her cry. The problem is, she doesn’t care about me and no wishing of mine could change that. I don’t think she will ever see me anything other than her maid. She is too busy trying to please all her children, and I think she really tries her best to remind them that she is still worth something even though she is old now. I feel sorry when I see her going from one house to another, taking good care of all her grown-up children. I remember my aunt telling her to stop washing the dishes, and just sit down. My aunt tries to finish the chore, but my grandma was like, no, and ask me to do it instead. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I somehow felt that I understand my grandmother, that she felt useless. But anyway, Not at my expense…… </p>

<p>I think they have issues, but I also have my own life. I think this is a very simple problem, but I just made it so complicated, it’s not like I owe them anything, and nothing will really happen to me if I refuse. I’m just really very emotional, I don’t know what to even describe of myself, maybe I am being s tupid. I guess this is a learning experience for me on how I should really think of myself too, and maybe stop being caring about others.</p>

13

<p>You are not being stupid and you had every reason to feel as you did. Glad to see that you have a better handle on what you are going to tolerate. I suspect that because ou are the only girl, your aunt and grandmother have unreasonable expectations of you, it may be cultural. But be strong and confident. Once they know your boundary, they will less likely bother you as much.</p>

14

<p>It’s not that you shouldn’t care about others … it’s more that you must first take care of yourself. Once you make sure that your own needs are met, you will be better able to care about others in a healthy way. For example, you seem to care very much about your grandmother & have sympathy for her. Once you stop being your family’s doormat, you can give your grandma your time on your own terms. That way, you can BOTH be happy.</p>

15

<p>Be polite and don’t share your feelings about your aunt with other family members. You will just get sucked into a vortex of gossip and stress. If you need to vent, only do so with trusted friends who have no relationship whatsoever with your family (i.e. in a completely different setting).</p>

<p>Act happy no matter what gift you are given. You cannot control other people’s behavior, but you can control your own. Expect nothing from your aunt, and you will never be disappointed. Let go of the rules you have created in your head about how she should behave. Stop feeding your resentments, as they will make you sick. This is great training for the rest of your life. </p>

<p>Do not discuss with other family members what she has given you, and change the subject when others begin to share the nature of her gifts to them. It is not proper or kind to be comparing gifts or exchanging information about what is received. These things should be handled in a much more clever and discreet way.</p>

<p>Families are wonderful yet tricky. In order to enjoy them, you need to turn the other cheek with a determination that is noteworthy. Enjoy the good, and ignore the bad. Be cheerful in all of your encounters. In more intimate and trusted relationships, such as with a mother or sister, there is more room for candor. </p>

<p>As far as going places with people who stress you out, it is perfectly acceptable to keep coming up with polite and believable excuses which will get you out of the obligation. Nowhere is it written that you have to have a close relationship with an aunt. While you should not resent that people do have favorites and are not always “fair”, you are also free to spend your time where you feel appreciated and validated.</p>