<p>It is so hard when you have difficult neighbors- believe me I know- although not to that extent.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom, your neighbor sounds like she is awfully stressed to be using foul language with the workers-my neighbor is doing a complete remodel ( living elsewhere at the time) and his workers have been leaving stuff in my driveway- (which borders the property line- and part of their driveway is actually within our property) and delivery trucks have dug up my grass ( the only grass I have is down the middle of my driveway)and since the work has been going on for months- it is getting kind of old- I think I would like some flowers too.
;)</p>
<p>However- I try and appreciate the little things- for example- I notice elsewhere in the neighborhood where new roofs are being put on, that the workers have a constant supply of loud Latin music- I am * so happy* that the guys next door have headphones!</p>
<p>I think of myself as a nice person, I battle with myself sometimes to be happy for people who get things they dont deserve from less than scrupulous ways. But I have been learning to view this from a different perspective. It is hard for me because I want to be happy for these people because sometimes it is my friend’ s kids. which distresses me . I have been trying to employ the serenity prayer. and say “who am I to determine how someone else goes about their life”
people are flawed, including myself but all people have good and bad, I try to view people this way then I am not dissapointed when they are not thoughtful. MY Dh is a very good person but not thoughtful at all. but he tries though it has taken many years.
As far as the neighbor ,she seems like a loon. Hopefully the flowers will call her off.</p>
<p>There are a few people who are mean just to be mean (perhaps the bad neighbor example). But for the most part I think people mostly do and say thoughtless things because they are stressed (which could be the case with the bad neighbor example) or because they are clueless to bad feelings that will result. </p>
<p>I try hard to not be offended when I believe the intent was not malicious.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom, I think sending flowers will only make things worse, by increasing engagement with this neighbor.</p>
<p>You have not even met her in 10 years, so there is no loss of a relationship here.</p>
<p>I would tell her that she needs to leave the workers alone, and, if the behavior still continues, tell her that it is harassment (and you could decide to call the police, if it gets to that).</p>
<p>I too tend to express anger by doing something nice, but in recent years have realized that those gestures have more to do with manipulating my own feelings than dealing with a situation in reality.</p>
<p>I am not sensitive to others’ negative comments about me, nor I would send flowers to myself, I am jsut very comfy in my own skin, however it looks to others. Maybe that is why I do not care what others are saying about somebody else, why that somebody else is bothered with that? I am trying very hard to get this idea into my D’s head. Just be yourslef, follow your own heart and goals and do not be bothered with other people opinions, they have their own life and experiences. Others’ opinions are reflection on them, not on you.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom, I’m with you. People get unnecessarily ruffled about their territory and while I don’t excuse or condone your neighbor’s behavior, I see no reason to add more negativity to the situation. I would do my best to kill her with kindness and send her flowers or brownies or whatever. She might just surprise everyone with a nicer reaction.</p>
<p>You sound like a thoughtful and conscientious person. I’m sure you are already kind to the people working on your property.</p>
<p>Poetgrl, love your analogy. I am most content tending my own garden and letting others tend theirs.</p>
<p>I try to be a “get-along” person but I have noticed that when I have trouble with others, it tends to be over boundary issue
s." I think that’s a sensitivity for some folks and, alas, I am one of them. Middle-child syndrome? Maybe.</p>
<p>All I know is that my fuse tends to be shortest when I perceive that someone has overstepped my boundaries (literal, as in the property line…or metaphorical, as in a 7th grade teacher who assigned my daughter’s class homework of cleaning their rooms over the weekend and having the parent sign off on it. This was for a Social Studies class and related to nothing at all they were studying. He just felt that kids today need more structured responsibilities at home, and took it upon himself to implement that. I recall writing a polite but fairly strongly worded letter requesting him to focus on the Social Studies curriculum, and assuring him that we were handling the home-life aspects of our daughter’s upbringing just fine, and in the way we see fit.</p>
<p>I do try to put myself in other people’s shoes, count to ten before responding, and in general be kinder as I grow older.</p>
<p>heh heh, I would have been tempted to tell the social studies teacher I’d sign off on it once he’d shown that he’s cleaned his own house. I wouldn’t have reacted well to that sort of assignment…on the other hand if it actually got my kid to clean her room maybe I’d have had to rethink it.</p>
<p>I have been on both sides of the boundary issue. On one occasion, a new neighbor came in and started removing trees from protected wetlands on my property and started to tear up the boundary strip between the two houses. I was shocked but tried really hard to be nice about it. I carefully asked that they be careful not to overstep the boundary and to get a survey if necessary. I was really worried about (1) being fined for wetlands violations and (2) having a problem with encroachments when and if we moved. Thankfully we did end up moving. On another occasion, I needed to take down some diseased and shallow rooted trees on my property that leaned, from my perspective anyway, too close to my house. Our neighbor at the time became abusive and angry, threatened to sue us for failing to obtain permits for the removal of the trees (not necessary in the place we lived) and never spoke to us again. I was terrified and intimidated. Honestly, it had never once occurred to me that I should explain to my neighbor what we were planning and why we were planning it. That was a long time ago and I’m happy that I’ve learned a great deal since then.</p>
<p>Shoshi, good examples. When we bought the 3 acres for our current house, there were 5 heavily wooded multi-acre plots. All of us had to clear land to build our houses. But some cleared A LOT. My adjoining neighbor started building before I did, and he cleared trees and understory growth (that I loved as a privacy cushion between our properties) about 6-8 feet in on my side of the line, for about 100 feet length.</p>
<p>Another neighbor called it to my attention (we obviously weren’t living here yet and property lines weren’t obvious unless you hunted for the stakes; it was heavily wooded.</p>
<p>Well, 3rd neighbor advised me to sue. I didn’t want to start out on that foot, but I did pay to have the line re-surveyed and staked, and then planted it with new trees, which I took meticulous (and very visible) care of. Cost me $, but I just wanted to correct the situation without starting a battle with new neighbors. (My Dad says I was nuts…should have made them restore all the trees and understory at their expense.)</p>
<p>When my kids were growing up, they started watching some of the “kid shows” on Nickelodeon. I was shocked how mean and smart-mouthed the actors were on the newer shows (not the old, old reruns). My kids “picked up” on some of the behaviors so they had to stop watching those programs and stick to the old, old reruns of the shows from yesteryear.</p>
It is possible to think you’re of higher intellect, and that may affect your perspectives (whether you are more intelligent or you just think you are), and still act civilized. There is something fundamentally different about thinking you deserve better simply because you’re more intelligent, or that you have more rights than others. It should be the reverse; more intelligent people should have more responsibility.</p>
<p>If you’re trying to be funny then… sorry for spoiling your joke.</p>
<p>@momofsongbird - maybe the neighbors weren’t to blame and it was a ditzy, careless construction crew that removed the extra trees to make it easier for themselves. The neighbors might have been horrified at the exposure to liability at the very least. I know some people freeze up and don’t acknowledge a wrong that they’ve done because they find it too hard to face and hope it will just go away. A bad, cowardly strategy, but it happens often. </p>
<p>About kids shows, I had to stop my children from watching certain shows, especially the Disney movie “101 Dalmations” because of the language. Cruella de Ville shouting, “you idiot, you imbecile” over and over, well, kids love to repeat that!</p>
<p>Wow, people are so critical here out of all threads. Why bother? If I do not like my D’s room, it is my problem, not hers. She will pick it up every 2 weeks at least, because cleanning lady is coming to clean. If someone enjoy saying negative thing, let them, it is their life, apparently they have nothing better to do but make themselves miserable with what they perceive as your problem(s). Let it run over your skin, do not be bothered. Life is to enjoy, not to have heart attack over who said what about you and why their room is messy.</p>
<p>You’re right, and I hadn’t thought of that. They did clear-cut almost all of their acreage, while the rest of us left a good deal of “woods” behind and around our “yards,” and I guess that’s what made me think it was intentional. But you could be right. Thanks for the thought. I’m just glad it’s fixed. I hate neighbor problems!</p>