<p>A few posts prompted me to write this…It seems to me that parents (well, people in general) seem to be extremely critical of eachother. Why can’t we be genuinely happy when someone else’s child does really well, call someone when they are ill, compliment someone for no other reason but because you really mean it (not because you want something from the other person).</p>
<p>I feel disappointed in much of my fellow humans. I try to do all of the above, and I find that very very very few give me the same courtesy.</p>
<p>I see the same with the kids…My daughter ALWAYS calls a friend when they are absent from school to see how they are feeling. RARE to NEVER do these friends return the courtesy. Comments are made directly to the person about weight, saying something “stupid,” not knowing something (the list goes on and on)…with nary a thought to how these comments will make the other person feel.</p>
<p>And what is said behind people’s backs is unbelievable.</p>
<p>I don’t know…am I the ONLY one to feel this way?</p>
<p>I agree with you, but I am surprised by this statement-
</p>
<p>Which posts are you talking about? Are you saying that people are insulting each other in these posts, or recounted instances where someone has been cruel to them or their child in real life? </p>
<p>Because, to tell you the truth, I see very little true nastiness on this message board, especially compared to other message boards I frequent, where personal insults are quite common. Of course, I stay away from the political fora.</p>
<p>There is a big difference between arguing points of view with people and making ad hominem attacks. People like to debate, it’s in my nature for sure. but you don’t take things personally. And frankly, I don’t debate much on other websites because I generally don’t think the people have well thought out positions. Here, I can tell people generally put a lot of thought into what they write, and express intelligent opinions counter to my own. Even the kids are fairly respectful, for the most part.</p>
<p>I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, and my expectations are generally true. But I don’t see a lot of ad hominem attacks on this website, I really don’t.</p>
<p>I agree. I was not referring to this site where people are usually respectful. What I was responding to were stories that people relate about how hurtful people have been “in real life.”</p>
<p>people are critical of other people because it keeps them from having to evaluate thier own lives and their own behavior and it keeps them from being focused on themselves and the things they could be doing “better.” </p>
<p>I always just think if each of us could keep our own backyard clean and pay attention to the things we are doing in our own life, and if every person on the planet could do that, just imagine what a great world this would be. Instead we all, from time to time, cannot resist the very human urge to stray into our neighbors emotional and behavioral back yard and comment on how long its been since they weeded or raked the leaves. In general, when I find myself doing this, and we ALL do do it, I take it as a sign I’d better get back on the property and do some raking.</p>
<p>Your comments touched a chord in me tonight. I’m having some work done in my yard - fairly heavy involving a backhoe, and my neighbor whom I’ve never met in over ten years now appears several times a day to insult my workers and warn that they better not touch an inch of her property. She’s clearly way too interested in what’s going on next door. I’m upset at her behavior because she’s a hindrance to the work being done, but to keep the peace, I’m going to send her a nice bouquet of flowers to apologize for the noise and disruption. It would be much easier to engage and let her know that I think she should mind her own business, but I have better manners than that and she probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway. Sometimes it is best to make peace rather than pick a fight.</p>
<p>I’m reading “what Shamu taught me” by Amy Sutherland. She researched animal training in California and found a lot of techniques work with people – but she also found that she needed to change herself too. She needed to be able to ignore some types of “bad” behavior (sending flowers to a negative neighbor is rewarding bad behavior) – and she needed to “see” things from the other folks perspective before she could move the situation to a better place. </p>
<p>I hope Gourmetmom will go speak to the neighbor face to face. It’s fine to apologize for the noise and explain that the work is necessary (too bad the neighbor wasn’t informed ahead of time so the work was not a worrisome surprise) – but it is also fine to be a bit firm and say that the workmen are now aware of her concerns and that her further comments are hurtful to the process. Give her your phone number and invite her to call you if she has a specific concern and that you will relay the concern to the staff yourself. </p>
<p>Next, start a log of her calls AND the times of day that she speaks to your workers. This will be useful if her behavior deteriates and you have to call the police. </p>
<p>You can be positive – and informative – and firm about boundaries. And that is the behavior she will expect from you next time (give her flowers and she’ll find something else to bitxx about to get more posies in the future!).</p>
<p>People are overconfident in their significance and the significance of their opinions. People also tend to be very arrogant… as it is, this all just roots from thoughtlessness.</p>
<p>Thoughtlessness to me comes from one thing: lack of mental capacity. Most people in the world are stupid, it’s a hard thing to realize.</p>
<p>Jealousy is at the root of many of those actions. People don’t want to see other people having more than they do.</p>
<p>I have said it a few times on CC when it comes to friendship - “True friends are the ones who could/would celebrate with you when you are doing well.”</p>
<p>Most people think true friends are the ones who would stick around when you are down. I don’t find that to be the case. Some of those people like to be around because they like to be needed, and it also makes them feel better when someone else is doing worse (my husband and I are not doing well, but can you believe Susan’s H just cheated on her) (our son didn’t get into his first choice school, but I feel so bad Marth’s son was just caught with DWI). It is much harder for friends not to be a green eye monster and be truly happy for you when something good happens.</p>
<p>Oldfort, you make a good point. People often seem to almost enjoy it when they can help a friend who is having a hard time,as thpugh it makes them feel better about their own lives.</p>
<p>I don’t know - are people generally nice? I’m not so sure, and I wish I felt (seen proof) of otherwise.</p>
<p>Olymom - what an interesting perspective! I think I need to get that book. Maybe I can try to “train” my boss and some of my co-workers. Or at least feel like I’m training them, instead of just getting myself frustrated and angry with their behavior.</p>
<p>I think a lot of negative behavior toward others stems from jealousy.</p>
<p>questbest, it seems to me that your d, who calls her friends to be sure they’re all right if they’re absent from school, might be unusually giving and considerate. Quite often folks like this are unusually sensitive, as well, and may feel slighted even when no slight is intended - the other person just isn’t as considerate by nature. I am among the clueless ones who forget to send “thinking of you” cards even when I have been thinking about someone. And I always intend to phone a friend or family member when I’m not near a phone, and then get distracted by life when I am … and the emails I read from friends in the AM somehow get scrolled down off the screen once I’d have a minute to respond.</p>
<p>Being considerate is a lovely and necessary quality. There’s a continuum to it, I think. I’d expect anyone to be considerate enough not to mow his lawn at 5 AM, or not to cut to the front of a line. I don’t think that someone who fails to call a co-worker about an absence, or to send a “get well” card for an illness that isn’t serious, is an inconsiderate boob, though.</p>
<p>I accept that this means that I really am, by nature, not as nice or as other-centered as people like yourself and your d. But that doesn’t go hand-in-hand with being unable to feel happiness for others, or being extremely critical of humanity in general. Do you think that your increased sensitivity to others means that your viewpoint on this issue might be skewed a bit? You mention giving compliments - some folks are uncomfortable hearing them, especially from people outside of their inner circles. Maybe this is why they don’t often offer them?</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort that it can be challenging to find true friends in good times. My husband’s best friend in grad school married a woman who wanted to be a close friend as long as she could feel superior to me on every level - professional, moral/religious, intellectual, and as a parent. When I challenged her worldview, the friendship pretty much went <em>poof</em>! Can’t say I miss her at all.</p>
<p>“Why can’t we be genuinely happy when someone else’s child does really well, call someone when they are ill, compliment someone for no other reason but because you really mean it (not because you want something from the other person).”</p>
<p>I know people who do these things. I know far more people who are like the above than act the way that you have experience. My heart often is warmed by the compassion and kindness of the people whom I know.</p>
<p>I do agree with frazzled1 post about not everyone’s expectation of what “nice” means, and that could cause a lot of bad feelings. It’s happened to me a few times. I used to get hurt, but now I see it more as different people’s expectations when it comes to friendship. That is why we look for friends who may have the same expectations as we do. I don’t think it makes someone a good or bad person. It just means some people have different values. I tend to look for 70 percent in my friends.</p>
<p>I have been noticing lately that hurtful behavior comes in two forms. Some people are insensitive and thoughtless some of the time. This kind of behavior, to me, does not reflect “stupidity” at all but rather a lack of empathy. Ironically, it is often the people who are, themselves, very sensitive and easily hurt who fall into this category.</p>
<p>Then we have the intentionally mean behavior. Sometimes it is openly aggressive and sometimes it is passive aggressive. This behavior is, of course, intentional and should be dealt with appropriately. I have found one method that is very effective. When someone says something deliberately hurtful to me I respond with “why would you say that?”. It generally is very effective way to confront the person without going on the counter attack or the defensive.</p>
<p>As far as the insensitive or thoughtless behavior, well, these people are usually truly good people who may need to have their hurtful behavior gently pointed out. I don’t think they want to wound you and can learn from feedback to be a better friend. Nobody is perfect and it is part of the work we do when a friendship has value to us.</p>
<p>We have spoken to her several times to offer reassurances that the project will look wonderful when finished. We have told our workers to accommodate her wishes. They have picked up extra leaves and branches on her property when cleaning up at her direction. We have all been extremely polite and understanding in every possible way. By the way, she uses vulgar language whenever she speaks to the crew, which my children can hear. As far as documenting her activities, I have no interest participating in what I see as petty behavior. I saw her out there yesterday videotaping the work. I can’t imagine what she thinks the tape will show - a guy with a backhoe grading dirt? Who cares? </p>
<p>I want to send flowers with a card apologizing for the weekend disruption and to thank her for her patience. If this gesture ends up encouraging more “bad behavior,” then so be it, at least I’ll know that I tried to do things right.</p>