Why are teachers so resentful of communications from parents?

Parents Forum
41

We let our kids take care of all communication with the teachers, but we have at times worked with them to prepare them to address difficult situations - just to help our kids see that the way they were going to phrase something might make the teacher defensive or might sound a bit snarky or whatever

But at the beginning of each semester when my kids were in junior high and younger, I always sent each teacher an email introducing myself and basically saying while I don’t expect there will be any behavioral issues, please let me know if there is any problem and we will address it at home immediately. Then I gave all my phone numbers. We did on occasion hear from teachers, and we did in fact address the problem at home immediately, and then I always followed up with the teacher to confirm that the behavior had improved. I think the teachers really appreciated that type of communication.

42

In the case of emails, teachers could not respond to emails from students. My understanding was that this was to protect the teacher from any appearance of impropriety. If the situation were that critical, parents would generate the emails.

43

My mom doesn’t care if it looks bad, she will be involved. She always tells the story how in college freshman year she was in a triple and one of the roommates was impossible-leaving garbage all over the room, never letting the other girls be alone in the room yet always insisting that for herself. After hearing her complaints, my grandfather drove 40 minutes to the campus and sat down with the Housing Director and the two girls. The problem roommate was removed. It is just what parents do.
@thumper1 - I have a 504 plan(hearing loss) and while it should be how you describe, it always is not. I am not super needy and am a good self advocate but still having an awful case manager I have only seen a dozen times in 3 years can be extremely frustrating. Thankfully I have a good GC.

44

I think there are different types of teachers. Some are very rigid and unreasonable, so they freak out when someone (like a parent) points out an inconsistency. They want to run their classroom like their home, where they are the king/queen and all the members just say “how high” to the “jump” demand. These are typically also the ones that will choose to die on the hill of a mistake. When these types become administrators, it’s even worse. :frowning:

However, some teachers are extremely reasonable. They will acknowledge when they’ve made a mistake or when they’ve made an unworkable request. They were also the ones that were the most easy to work with when a family emergency (death in the family) came up and a test or something needed to be rescheduled.

I remember when the Science Dept Head at my kids’ private high school confided to me that a couple of his teachers were upset to learn that they had students that were smarter than they were. These few truly couldn’t handle it …their egos were too bruised. He felt that was unfortunate because the fact was that they were teaching at a school where the parents were mostly doctors, engineers, and research scientists, so naturally many of the kids were very strong in the math and sciences.

I found that the strongest teachers were also the most reasonable. I guess their egos weren’t easily shaken. lol

45

I meet kids that are smarter than me DAILY, and I have 3 degrees!! :). I tell my S that I hope I’m not the smartest person on earth or we are in serious trouble!

46

@DiffMom, my kids’ teachers always reply to student emails, so at least in our ISD, there is no concern about appearance of impropriety from an email. The teachers always email from the school email account and there would always be a record of the emails to protect them. They cannot “friend” a student on Facebook, though, or follow a student on instagram.

47

I had a funny experience with my son’s CS teacher. My son was a junior by then, and always went thru his GC with problems. This time, he couldn’t get things resolved. So, we are having dinner at a close friend’s home, who was a MS teacher, and I shared my frustrations of arranging 4 appointments to meet with this CS teacher, only to take time off from work, and he would not be there. Let me say, he set the times.

Well, turns out the other guest at the dinner party was head of the department. this man was a union rep, and he was shifted from one class to another. He knew nada about CS. Turns out, it is a small world. PS- they got him out of CS.

48

Then do not ask, do whatever you feel needs to be done for your kid to succeed and do not waste you time on attempts to communicate with such unprofessional instructors

49

I have no objection to communications from parents. There are most definitely times when they’re necessary, frequently because the kid is facing something big. I’ve had communications this year from parents of kids with concussions, facing the death of a parent, with anxiety issues, and with a number of other issues.

And I’m normally happy to respond, and to help as best I can.

But there are some communications that ask me to go above and beyond. For example, I’m NOT going to have your 16 year old son have his tests signed. Sorry, he’s 16. My test dates are on my website, and I always get tests back within 48 hours. If you’re unaware of how your son is doing, it’s because you chose not to ask, or because he lied and you didn’t ask to see the paper. (Besides, if he’s lying to you about his test grade, the odds are decent that he would forge your signature.)

I’m not going to call and let you know each time he attends extra help, though I’ll be more than happy to sign off on the work we go over together. I teach close to 180 kids, in addition to the kids I don’t teach who come by for extra help. I’m not calling each one when they come to extra help.

I’m not going to “make” him attend extra help. That’s not my job. My extra help is for the kids who show up. I’m not going to tell him he HAS to come, then give him detention for failing to report for something I told him he had to do. Besides, if he’s there against his will, he’ll be sapping the energy out of the session-- and the kids who choose to be there deserve better than that.

I’m not giving him extra credit. He’s having enough trouble with the regular work, why on earth would I pile more on?

I’m not letting him retake a test he chose not to study for. (Nope, not talking about those special cases. I’m talking about a typical healthy kid who was unprepared for a test.) How on earth will he learn about consequences if he never faces one?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that parents sometimes forget the sheer volume of kids I deal with . I’ll be happy to respond to any email you initiate. But I’m not going to be the one to call, to email, to let you know every time he blows an A or fails a quiz or chooses not to do his homework.

When something is really wrong, yes, please check in. But put the burden of the checking in on you, not me. And be reasonable about the turnaround time. I check my email at least twice a day-- early in the morning and in the evening. In between, I’m in class. Or grading papers. Or running off quizzes. Or simply having a cup of tea or my lunch. And when I get home, I morph into mom-- getting dinner, doing the laundry, running errands.

If there’s an emergency, please call the school-- your child’s guidance counselor will get all his teachers the info. But in the absence of an emergency, please give me a reasonable time to respond.

50

Thank you for that @bjkmom. I would be very happy if my son took a class from you.

51

<<<
I had a funny experience with my son’s CS teacher. My son was a junior by then, and always went thru his GC with problems. This time, he couldn’t get things resolved. So, we are having dinner at a close friend’s home, who was a MS teacher, and I shared my frustrations of arranging 4 appointments to meet with this CS teacher, only to take time off from work, and he would not be there. Let me say, he set the times.

Well, turns out the other guest at the dinner party was head of the department. this man was a union rep, and he was shifted from one class to another. He knew nada about CS. Turns out, it is a small world. PS- they got him out of CS.


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it’s called, “dance of the lemons.”

52

I feel,stupid, because I don’t know what “dance of the lemons” means. I will google it, but just in case…

53

Forgive me, moving a very poor teacher around. Once again, I am a learner on CC. Thanks, mom of z2collegekids.

54

I think it probably depends on what you are emailing the teacher about and how many emails you are sending…

55

@bookworm
don’t feel stupid. It’s not a phrase that’s used a lot. However, now that you’ve learned it, you’ll never forget it. :wink:

I believe that it originated because teachers unions protected bad teachers, so principals would try to get bad ones moved elsewhere and elsewhere and elsewhere. I remember when a new high school opened in my hometown. The other principals made it very attractive for their lemons to begin dancing over there.

I first heard the term used in the LAUSD.

56

Thanks @Erin’sDad

I’m very fortunate to have found a career that I love passionately, and that I’m good at. Even now, in June-- final exams start today-- there’s not a career in the world I would love as much. (International jet setter is a distant second.) And I’m in a school that treats us as professionals, where we’re respected by the kids, the administration and the vast majority of the parents I deal with.

I won’t pretend that every teacher is all he or she could be. And, as a parent, I share the frustration with teachers who choose not to do their jobs as well as their students need them to do it. (My own kids have had one or two of those lemons. But two, in a total of their total of 29 years of schooling so far, is probably a decent enough score.)

But every so often we teachers get one of those “lemons” as a parent we have to deal with. And it’s certainly no easier on our end. And, no, I would never dream of penalizing the child of one of those lemons. If anything, the kid gets my sympathy. I know that in September I’ll get a fresh start, whereas the kid is pretty much stuck.

57

Wondering what happened to the OP to this thread?

And wondering what kinds of questions that OP was posing that he felt made the teachers resentful. Also wondering what the teachers did to give the OP that impression.

But the OP seems to have abandoned this thread.

58

I think it has become almost a “fad” to shame or ridicule parents who dare to advocate for their children when the child’s efforts have failed. In the few instances where I had to speak to a teacher or coach I made it clear at the outset in a diplomatic manner that “I make no apologies for being here. This is part of my responsibility as a parent.” Some teachers want to jump on that “Susie needs to a advocate for herself” bandwagon right away to avoid addressing the issue at hand. Meanwhile Susie has seen the teacher numerous times and has had her concerns abruptly dismissed.

59

Most of my communications to teachers have been in person, at school events.

One recently was to thank the teacher for writing a letter of recommendation (apparently, a great one!) for my D to her colleges. Another was to tell the photography teacher how much my D got out of her end-of-the year assignment. And another was to tell a teacher that my D was looking forward to taking more courses in her field at college next year, and to thank her for preparing my D so well. I didn’t sense any resentment arising from any of these communications.

60

The answer to the problem is pretty simple but is also utopian: have all teachers available at the school for a period of three hours after the last class. That time could be filled with appointments, time set aside to grade papers, prepare classes, or answer phone or emails from parents and students. After that period, teachers could go home and leave all work behind them. It would be up to the parents to make the efforts to take advantage of the extra time slots.

Why is it utopian? Because the alternative to endlessly babble about all the time spent “working” at home would cease and that having to log actual time is counterproductive to the do “less for more” July/August crowd.