Why can't there be room for everyone?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Berurah - I’m not sure what happened, but, I do think there is room for everyone, and, I think also people are going to post things that are a bit weird from time to time. The solution is ignore, move on, and don’t get emotionally involved in events, issues or dialog in cyberspace. </p>

<p>I’m probably the ultimate anomoly in that (1) I have no college experience of my own (yet), and (2) the one child I have is looking for post graduate education. I also “take” far more than I ever give back or contribute. So I probably don’t really “belong” here any more, being more of a taker than contributor. </p>

<p>Having said that, I value highly being able to read differing points of view, and picking up pieces of information I otherwise would not have or could not easily get in the real world.</p>

<p>Example, CGM and I probably couldn’t be more politically opposite, and, in what felt like a zillion posts over the UAE port deal neither of us ever convinced each other to take one step in the other’s direction. In fact, we probably both gave up on the topic more polarized than ever in our positions. What did come out of it for me however was a vital piece of information that CGM knew - but that I did not have - and that relates directly to a business matter I’m working on in the real world. This small, seemingly insignificant piece of information connects some dots for me, and as a result it’s making me look like a genius in the real world, and will likely ultimate result in a successful business conclusion, which is almost certainly going to put real dollars in my bank account. </p>

<p>Given that, CGM can criticize the president I voted for all she wants, because I’m going to get something out of those exchanges and posts. But even if I didn’t profit from it materially, I highly value being able to read posts on issues where the positions differ so greatly from my own. </p>

<p>With other posters, I love reading Curmudgeon’s stuff (and feel guilty that I didn’t post “congratulations” as intended - for what it’s worth, I was congratulating, applauding and cheering in my mind), there is incredible, highly valuable advice in the recent thread I opened about how to best advise my D - we are still digesting that information at home, Xiggi’s posts actually make me reach for the dictionary, and there is just simply an incredible wealth of information here that I simply cannot get anywhere else.</p>

<p>I do think the thread on Curmudgeon’s D took entirely the wrong direction when someone came along and implied he was bragging - I think it’s totally, completely acceptable to post facts; it’s going to happen that some - perhaps many - students will be disappointed come April, however, that’s part of life, and I don’t think that parents or students should hold back or filter down their achievements or opportunities just because it may upset some other family having a bad day. Rejections, lost business opportunities, being passed over for a job or promotion, not making the team, losing an election - those outcomes are simply facts of life that everyone will encounter sooner or later (if they don’t, they’re not trying hard enough, not reaching high enough) and I do not think that Curm or anyone else should edit or water down their posts to avoid hurting feelings: far better to encounter those disappointments for the first time in the relative safety of cyberspace, or while the emerging college student is still home, safe in the environment of supportive family, than out in the real world where support systems are not as solid, or harder to reach. </p>

<p>If someone doesn’t like a post or even a thread topic, it’s a simple matter to just skip, ignore, go read something else, or, close the browser window and go do something else. There’s certainly more than enough material here to read, people of varying backgrounds to engage in dialog, play around with, etc., and there are only 24 hours in a day -how much time can we all afford to spend here anyway?</p>

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<p>Gee, it’s getting hot in here. Agreed that CC should be a big tent kind of place (and I think it is), and that selective clicking is probably the best way to keep from getting annoyed, whether someone is looking for info, support, pats on the back, or a good giggle.</p>

<p>It can be hard to deduce what threads to click, though! I blush to admit that I didn’t read the “Birthday Blues” thread because I thought it was about turning 40 (something I’ve already done, and more than a decade ago, too). Now I wish I’d read the first post, because I’ve been there and know what a sad time it can be when your firstborn experiences their first milestone without you. (Not saying that I necessarily want to be there for EVERY milestone - nope.) And I can’t even tell you WHAT I thought “Puddle of Pee” was about.</p>

<p>How about assuming good intentions all around, especially because all the posters involved have shown again and again their value as smart, giving CC members?</p>

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<p>This forum provides so much fodder for breakfast table discussions in my home. My H and I were discussing this thread, and he brought up the Myers-Briggs personality types. </p>

<p>They are 16, combinations of the following splits:
judging vs. perceiving
intuiting vs. sensing
feeling vs. thinking
introversion vs. extroversion</p>

<p>See <a href=“http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/mb-simpl.htm[/url]”>http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/mb-simpl.htm&lt;/a&gt; for a brief overview.</p>

<p>Might the differences we are seeing here relate to differences in personality type/style bumping up against each other?</p>

<p>In any event, I think frazzled1 has an excellent suggestion in his or her last paragraph: Let’s assume good intentions unless proven otherwise. (When proven otherwise, make a forum alert!)

I also second the last paragraph from latetoschool’s post:

Simply leave the thread if it is not to your taste! Don’t stay around just to get yourself aggravated – or risk getting some online version of “cooties” if you are too close to any emoting you don’t like! ;)</p>

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<p>To all~</p>

<p>I thank you for all of your responses. They are appreciated.</p>

<p>I cannot see myself having the time today (or even for the next few days) to respond as I typically do, and for that, I am sorry.</p>

<p>I know that it is easy to miss what goes on around you when you are not directly involved. And yes, that was a VERY sore spot for me, for reasons a good many of you may not realize.</p>

<p>I do wish to leave y’all with this notion, though. That I make the conscious choice to treat friends and acquaintances in “cyberspace” with the exact same dignity and respect as I would “real life” people does not, in any way, mean that I do not HAVE a real life (my dayplanner is proof enough of THAT ;)). I simply do not choose to make that distinction. To me, the computer does not exist as a barrier to real feelings or real people. In fact, there are several posters here who I am vastly honored to consider true friends, one of whom just sent “real” birthday presents to my “real” kids! :)</p>

<p>Let’s just suffice it to say that there are some “old time” posters here who have a disproportionate and exaggerated level of resentment for my emotional and supportive style of posting. It does not mesh with their view of this site as a facts and figures only venue. My original post was issued to comment on this situation and to suggest a “live and let live” attitude. </p>

<p>And for the record, though I am often the FIRST (and many times ONLY) to apologize, I stand by each and every statement I have made above.</p>

<p>Now, off to do come celebratin’!!!</p>

<p>Have a great Sunday all!!!</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>Berurah, there is sort of one exception, that being, I am actually grateful for the barrier (even in artificial) that cyber-dialog affords. Never in real life could I say the things I might say in political threads - given that these discussions can be so incendiary, some distance is necessary in order to be able to exchange ideas. </p>

<p>Example, I took a client to dinner in D.C. recently; over the main course she reveals that she is a very, very active member of ACLU, and among other remarks said something to me along the lines of “we’re just going to have to accept events such as terrorist flying planes into our building”…and so on. I had no choice but to sit there and swallow (pardon the pun!!!), as this client is worth a lot of revenue to me, and the opportunity for referral business, the valuable connections in the market space is tremendous.</p>

<p>The distance provided here permits me to engage without compromise to friendships or business relationships; it lets me have a level of dialog - as well as reach for some depth of understanding - that is otherwise too costly to risk in the “real” world.</p>

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<p>So true. Thank you.</p>

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<p>Also, it may be that this time of year, some people are just a bit more tense and a bit less able to be gracious. And “I need a hug” is something that moms tend to say a lot–I have a feeling maybe the moms on the forum completely understood how Berurah was feeling. Maybe dads say it less, although I’m sure they really do need them just as much.</p>

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<p>latetoschool–I didn’t read the port posts, but I am so intrigued that you were able to get so much from your exchange with CGM! I usually skip/skim the political threads because they seem to be “going nowhere,” and it gets just a little too HOT for me there, but I just love it when opposites learn from each other, I get a big kick out of it, in fact. And I too like to see “both sides” of issues that interest me even if, as I say, I don’t get into the political debates very often. Often one can learn more from someone who looks at things from a different perspective than from those who have the same outlook as oneself.</p>

<p>Berurah–have fun celebrating, and hopefully no offense taken at my post in defense of Coureur. I like all of the “big” personalities here, of which you are definitely one, and I certainly do understand reacting emotionally to things. It would be boring here if it was all restricted to dry facts and no emotion, and I certainly wouldn’t spend much time here if such were the case (though maybe that would be a good thing?).</p>

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<p>I don’t often read the Parents Forum anymore–and very very rarely, if ever, the Parents Cafe–for a number of reasons too numerous to mention here (and which would, most likely, culminate in a locked thread). I also agree with latetoschool, who states " . . . there are only 24 hours in a day–how much time can we all afford to spend here anyway?" Yes. I’ve wondered that myself.</p>

<p>That said, I’m often pulled into reading posts on these boards, much like being drawn to a train wreck, I guess. All so very revealing. I think online sites like this say so much about, well, so much.<br>
My personal favorites are the ostensibly “helpful” ones, those that are analogous to the old joke that goes something like… “Oh, enough talk about ME . . . let’s talk about YOU . . . So . . . what do YOU think about me?” </p>

<p>At any rate, as xiggi mentioned, there is this thread that’s all about “celebrations” right under the “acceptances,” on the Parents Forum. I thought this was the location for all of that stuff, no? And I’m also confused as to why andi’s celebration thread went missing. I was really interested in what she had to say about her son’s acceptance(s) this year. No sooner did I see that thread, and it went missing. Maybe I’m mistaken, but I never rediscovered it. So what’s up with that? What’s the difference between one celebration thread and another? What makes one worth keeping, and another not? Just curious.</p>

<p>I love reading your posts, Berurah, as they are always informative, interesting, and well-written. I especially love all those exclamation points and colors and fonts and faces; mostly, though, I’m just impressed that you’ve figured out how to add all those colors and fonts and faces (and quotes). Wow. I only read how to do the quotes, and
I’ m still confused.</p>

<p>Anyway…thanks, and have fun today!!! :)</p>

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<p>Jack, "So, what do YOU think about me?’ LOL.</p>

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<p>Haven’t we done all this before? Maybe more than once? Don’t sweat the small stuff. Additional recommendations and observations deleted upon reflection.</p>

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<p>Mstee, that’s the whole beauty of this site - or at least one of many benefits. Never, ever have I learned anything from anyone who agreed with me on everything 100% of the time. </p>

<p>I don’t want to come here and read posts that are watered or edited down to take into consideration everyone’s sensitivities. I want to read all about whatever everyone else thinks, including the accomplishments of other people’s children, whatever is the latest view of the left side of the political spectrum, and so on, </p>

<p>Oh - and what did happen with Andi’s son - somehow I missed the news completely - was there an acceptance announcement???</p>

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<p>“Let’s just suffice it to say that there are some “old time” posters here who have a disproportionate and exaggerated level of resentment for my emotional and supportive style of posting. It does not mesh with their view of this site as a facts and figures only venue. My original post was issued to comment on this situation and to suggest a “live and let live” attitude.”</p>

<p>Since I am 100% sure that I am included in the list of old time posters, allow to repeat for the nth time that your assessment is entirely off the mark. You paint a situation that does not correspond to the reality. For starters, you speak and act as you were a VICTIM and subject to the bullying or persecution by members -or moderators. You allege that “old timers” bear a “disproportionate and exaggerated level of resentment for my emotional and supportive style of posting.” Again, there is a world of difference between wanting those type of posts being confined in an appropriate platform and resenting their mere presence. </p>

<p>Frankly, I look at this in a very pragmatic way. I asked you what YOU wanted to see. If indeed, all you wanted to do was musing around, then let it go and FOREVER. If you want the situation changed, ASK for a change. Do not say the issue only requires musing if it does bother so much. </p>

<p>The moderators have the final say of how this community is organized, and their decision hinges on what is the best for the community as opposed to what is best to a few members. One issue that has been a source of aggravation to some was the deletion of the thread about Andison’s first acceptance. The thread that was NOT started by Andi was utterly clear that it INTENDED to defy the rules and create a precedent. In this case, the moderators had created a very specific place to post notice of acceptances and another one to celebrate. It was THAT simple! You want pompons and big fonts? Nothing, absolutely nothing precluded you to start an orgy of celebratory posts. But, that did not seem satisfactory, was it? Not gaining the satisfaction of being able to have a special thread for special circumstances did create the infamous resentment you mentioned, a resentment expressed in a veiled campaign to make sure that nobody else would get the “honor” that was so unkindly refused to Andi. </p>

<p>And this is what is boils to: in your view, the thread started by Curmudgeon was an attempt to fish for kudos. And it DID bother you! Even if te threads contained a good number of warm and cuzzy expression of support or kindness towards Cur’s own situation. It is not worth debating about the differences of the two threads. The only thing we have to do is respect the “marching orders” given by the moderators. And those are that all ADMISSION notices and congratulations do go in the designated area … an are where you can display your emotions ad nauseam. </p>

<p>As far as “heart” threads, I do not recall reading any comments that expressed resentment. On a personal note, I saw it and opted to simply ignore it. Did it bother me to see such a thread in the Cafe? Not in the least. Did anyone else express issues with it? Again, you asked if there is room for everyone … and the answer is yes. So what is it exactly that you want? Why is it so hard to spell it out? I still do not see any of the issues mentioned in your original post as REAL problems. </p>

<p>In conclusion, your suggestion to “live and let live” is excellent. I remember very little from my grandfather except that he loved to repeat this phrase, "Charit</p>

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<p>Oh, help us out, xiggi. Some of us can’t remember our French from lo, these many years past. Is that
Charity begins best with one’s self?</p>

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<p>Sorry 'bout that </p>

<p>The sentence would translate into “Good charity first apply to yourself.”</p>

<p>I think the correct proverb in English is “Charity begins at home”</p>

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<p>We’re pretty relaxed about posting in the cafe forums, at least as far as the need for useful content goes. The cafes are places for less relevant discussions where CC members can post more or less what they like. What we don’t relax is our expectation of courtesy and lack of ad hominem commentary. If you have something to say about another member… keep it to yourself. If you want to agree or disagree with what a member said, fine. Even this thread, by pointing at unnamed members for real or imagined transgressions, is borderline. If you have a problem with another member who’s crossing the boundaries of our TOS, the by all means report the post… but don’t complain about the member in the forum, argue in the thread about the appropriateness of the post, etc.</p>

<p>In the non-cafe forums, we do try to keep chatter down and the signal to noise ratio high. Off topic threads and posts may be moved or deleted. We don’t want our forum to be confused with a chat room, which it isn’t and won’t be.</p>

<p>When in doubt, do what I do if there’s something on TV I don’t like - I change the channel. There’s certainly no shortage of channels here at CC, and you can start your own by clicking the “new thread” button. :)</p>