<p>I just graduated college in May, and it seems like all my friends are either engaged, married, or in a long-term (multiple years) relationship OR never really dated in college. There’s very little in-between (e.g., shorter-term but “established” relationships); as one of friends (who went to a different school and noticed the same thing said), it’s " either long-term or no-term." Has anyone else noticed this? Any thoughts on way this could be?</p>
<p>Are you asking why it seems that your friends are so successful in their relationships, or why people tend not to agree in advance that their relationship will end at a particular time?</p>
<p>I have a few theories on this. A lot of people think it’s the next logical step after college graduation if you are in a serious relationship, which I think is really a mistake to think of it that way. I am one of those engaged seniors, but we’ve wanted to get married for a while now and have been waiting for the timing to be a bit more convenient logistically. But ever since beginning of junior year my older relatives started asking me if things were getting “more serious” now that I was nearing the end of college, so it seems that’s the expectation in some peoples minds.</p>
<p>I personally am not interested in relationships which do not have serious long term potential, I would not be remotely interested in dating someone if I didn’t think it was possible it could lead to marriage and if there came a point where I realized they were not someone I could marry I would be done. I get the impression that’s odd for a college student. It’s not like I need to rush into marriage or anything, but I just don’t care to invest my time and energy in someone just for the hell of it. Relationships are a lot of work and I cannot imagine putting all that work into someone when I know it’s just “short term.” I don’t find that fulfilling. I assumed that was just part of growing up. So for me, there would be no “short term but established.” That sounds like a giant waste of time to me.</p>
<p>I would also hazard a guess that a lot of people, when faced with major life changes-- such as graduation, are quick to make drastic and decisive decisions. As you reestablish yourself in your “new” life after graduation, you do a lot of evaluating and reevaluating to figure out what stays and what goes and where you want to be in life. Especially since after graduation is the first time a lot of people truly feel like an “adult,” I can see why the possibility of marriage might occur to a committed person.</p>
<p>I can also see it being a security issue for some people. Since there are so many big changes, I imagine it feels nice to lock down something familiar. That’s a sad thought but I think that may be what one of my friends is doing.</p>
<p>I am interested to know how many people who get engaged at the end of college really stay together.</p>
<p>I find this subject interesting, since I went to school in the '80’s and had lots of, well flings, for lack of a better word, and short term relationships. They typically fell into several categories - brief encounters, 3-month affairs, 1-year relationships, and, then longer term situations. When I was in HS, some people had serious relationships as early as Junior year. Things have definitely changed, but not in the direction I might have thought.</p>
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<p>Umm, neither. I’m more wondering why people either get engaged/married or just don’t date at all.</p>
<p>I completely agree with Emaheevul07. I am out of college now, but I have felt that way throughout college and still do.</p>
<p>I can’t speal for other people, but I can (somewhat) explain why I feel that way. I am not interested in dating for the sake of dating. I think that a romantic relationship with another person requires a very serious commitment and is never to be taken lightly, so I am going to give it my all. Since it’s a serious commitment, it’s not one I would make lightly.</p>
<p>Also, a lot of people have very different values/standards/expectations than I do when it comes to relationships, so I am just not interested in having any sort of a romantic relationship with them. Does that make sense?</p>
<p>I guess it also comes down to the fact that I don’t see the point. Why would I date someone unless it had the potential to be something meaningful? But I guess I am like that with friendships too. I don’t get hanging out for the sake of hanging out. I only enjoy spending time with friends that I feel I have a meaningful connection with, not random acquaintances.</p>
<p>I think if you explained why you feel dating/short-term relationships are worth it, I could better explain why they are not worth it to me or someone like me.</p>
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<p>Okay, way to be incredibly judgmental and make (incorrect) assumptions about my beliefs!</p>
<p>Oh, and having a short-term relationship doesn’t mean people don’t value commitment. Sometimes, things just don;t work out (if they do, great, but that won’t always be the case).</p>
<p>"Sometimes, things just don;t work out (if they do, great, but that won’t always be the case). " </p>
<p>That statement implies to me that you don’t know the relationship is going to be short term until it is over, which I don’t think is mutually exclusive with the scenarios myself and the other poster are describing. I can’t speak for her, but I was thinking more about being involved with someone when I KNOW it is not going to work out in the long run. It sounds bizarre to me but people do that all the time and I thought that was what you meant. I don’t think it’s uncommon for young people to have committed relationships that they still consider to be “casual,” as in not likely to lead to engagement. That was what I was speaking about. If you’re in a relationship that you think is going to work out and then it doesn’t, I think that’s a different story. </p>
<p>I find it surprising that you wouldn’t know anybody experiencing those kinds of relationships, but maybe at your age people start to feel like they have dated enough and take their relationship commitments more seriously. Perhaps they are more inclined to put in the work necessary to make it last, whereas maybe they didn’t before because when you’re even younger than you are now relationships come and go like crazy, and unless you feel you are ready to settle down you can always go for the next best thing instead of putting in the work to make your current relationship work. When I was in high school if my relationship hit a snag we may very well have broken up over it. Now I am older and ready to settle down, and part of that is being prepared and committed to working through problems-- which I think makes relationships last that wouldn’t have lasted when we were younger and less prepared to invest that much energy into a relationship.</p>
<p>In my family it is said that saying, “well it’s not like I am going to marry him!” about a boyfriend is a curse that will lead you to actually end up marrying that person. Apparently it worked for me. XD</p>
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<p>Exactly. It translates to this:</p>
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<p>Is there a third situation? You even acknowledge my point:</p>
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<p>See? You simply state that your friends happen to have successful relationships that do work out. So I’m still confused as to what you are actually asking here.</p>
<p>Oh, and thanks for your first post, Emaheelvul. It was interesting. :)</p>
<p>And no, I don’t know anyone (well, maybe one or two people) intentionally doing the short-term committed thing, which is why this is interesting to me. It’s either casual hook-ups, ultra long-term relationships/engagement/marriage, or just not being in the “dating scene.” Every who chooses to go into an established relationship seems to be thinking long-term and most of them are, indeed, long-term (some don’t work out, but even then there isn’t that “casual” mentality about it). I’m not saying there <em>should</em> be (I actually agree that people should go in relationships–romantic and platonic–with an eye towards long-term commitment), but I’m just surprised there <em>isn’t</em>.</p>
<p>It sounds like the people in the long-term relationships think about whether the relationship can last long-term before engaging in it.</p>
<p>Generally that happens when the people know each other in advance.</p>
<p>My guess would be that it is just people entering into a different stage of life and their needs and wants as far as relationships go changing with it. If you think about it, I think most people start dating at 15-16, some people even earlier-- right now you’re what, 21-22? How many years of casual dating do people need before they want something deeper? Not necessarily marriage, but at least something with some staying power. </p>
<p>I also know that as someone entering into a career and starting to have major adult responsibilities, I am more choosy about men than I might have been in the past because I have more to protect. I don’t want my life to get messed up because of some irresponsible manchild, I have to be going for men that have their life together and who know where they’re going and what they want. I need more stability than I used to. That is much more conducive to a longterm relationship than, say, the circumstances when you’re 18 and all you have to worry about our your feelings and your reputation. I’ve got to know a guy is responsible enough to pay his bills and get his ass to work on time, because if he’s not and we’re a “serious” couple I could end up cleaning up his messes. I am too busy managing my own life to have to worry about that kind of crap. When I was 17-18, it didn’t necessarily affect me if my boyfriend was irresponsible. So, at this point, the dating dynamic is a lot different than it was when I was in more of a student mentality than a career mentality, if that makes sense. I have a lot more invested now than I did before and substantially more risk, it’s not something I take lightly.</p>
<p>That isn’t to say it’s WRONG to not be at that point yet, everybody reacts to different things in life in their own way, but that is my guess about it based on my perceptions of my own growth.</p>