I’ve heard lots of people tell stories about how they or their children didn’t turn 21 until halfway through their senior year, and how terrible it was to be left out and not be able to go out with their friends. However, whenever I tell people about how my son will be graduating this spring after 5 years while he had to watch all his friends graduate last spring, it gets brushed off by everyone, even those who simultaneously think that they or their kid had it rough by not being able to go to bars with their friends. I understand that there are much bigger problems in the world than social isolation. What I don’t understand is why it’s understandable to feel left out when your friends go to bars without you, but not when your friends graduate without you.
Who on earth feels sympathy for a kid who can’t go bar-hopping? Unless a kid is at BYU or similar, there are dozens of opportunities to drink every single week which do not involve walking into a bar.
And most kids who graduate from college have friends of all ages- seniors have friends who have already graduated, friends who ARE graduating, friends who are much younger. Who said you can only be friends with the kids in your year?
I really don’t understand your post.
I have literally NEVER heard anyone say that.
I don’t know why I should have sympathy for your son not being able to graduate last spring. I would just feel happy he’s graduating when he is and celebrate that. Presumably he’s on the 5 year track for some reason.
I’ve never heard anyone tell DD or us “awe that’s too bad she could’go to the bar with her friends on her 21st.” She and her friends aren’t into the bar scene, and her bday was on a Tuesday during midterms that year. We actually took her to the college bars that night 
Does he attend a small school? DD will also graduate a year later than those she started college with, but her school is so large with multiple graduations that it’s not unusual to graduate without friends. Her friends are all different ages and are from clubs, not classes; even if they graduated the same semester, they’d all graduate at different times or days.
Perhaps it’s your friend/acquaintance group?
A few thoughts in no particular order:
- re: being left out of bar-hopping because you’re not 21 yet - Suck it up and get over it.
- re: feeling left out that your friends are graduating from college earlier than you are - Ok & understandable to feel this way. But it’s only temporary. Focus on the positive. Focus on the fact that you/your kid are graduating from college with a degree instead of giving up. Accept the fact that your friends might be going through major life events at different stages than you. It’s ok. You know what? Some of them will get married before you will. Accept that, embrace it, and celebrate their successes in a gracious way instead of feeling sorry for yourself. And stop comparing yourself to everybody else.
- If graduating later than your friends leaves you horribly depressed & sad, see a therapist.
- Life is what you make of it.
- Are you (the parent) the one who’s the most upset about this? Or is your kid the one who’s upset? If it’s the former, then quit talking to your kid about it. Talk to somebody else about it.
You know what? My DH took 10 years to finish college. So a young adult takes 5 years to graduate instead of 4. BIG DEAL. Seriously, it’s not a big deal. It’s not the end of the world. Suck it up and move forward with your life.
I have never heard of sympathy for late birthdays in terms of not being able to bar hop (and I have a very late birthday myself) – students who want to drink will find a way to drink be it at a bar or elsewhere. I also know students who, for various reasons, have taken five years to graduate and have never felt a need to express sympathy for graduating a year late – I prefer to congratulate them on graduating.
You have another post expressing remorse that you didn’t “redshirt” your son and now this post appears. Presumably the fifth year gave him that time to “go bar hopping” if that was a great desire. And many students graduate in five years so that is not a huge (or even unusual) situation.
I think it is time to stop worrying about decisions that were made long ago and how long it takes to graduate. Best for everyone to move forward in a positive way.
In another thread, you implied your kid attended a not super selective college. Plenty of kids at such colleges take 5 years to graduate. . It’s quite common at public colleges. For example, I live in CA. At CSUs, the average 6-year graduation is usually roughly double the average 4-year graduation rate for first-time freshmen, suggesting it’s as common to take >4 years, as it is to take 4 years. Across all public colleges, the averages are ~38% for 4 years and ~61% for 6 years (see IPEDS ).
In spite of being common to take 5 years, this is the first time I heard about struggling for social reasons due to taking 5 years. In a world of social media, it’s easy to keep track of what is going on with people you know, even if you go through life events during different years. If that is not enough, then you/he might feel better to find a supportive person to talk with about ways to overcome negative feelings.
huh??
Being young definitely affects your college experience. I graduated in 4 years at age 20. Lots or parties were accessible but bar hopping was less so and I was bummed to miss out on senior spring break in Daytona (it was the 1980s). I don’t recommend putting kids ahead, if that’s the question. But if the question is “do you feel sorry for my kid?” Um no. I mean come on.
ETA…Ok, now I see…you’re actually asking for sympathy because your kid took 5 years to graduate. Still no. I really don’t understand this. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for my kid for any reason.
I think it’s like running a marathon. It’s an accomplishment to finish. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t finishing in the group of elite runners… you’ve run a marathon and that’s fantastic.
Your kid is graduating! Whoo-hoo!!!
This exact same post was posted to the DCUrbanMoms message board on 3/16. Basically four pages of comments/responses there reinforced what all the commenters above are saying: WHAT?! This makes no sense….
Your post from last year was similarly sad and non-sensical. Did you follow any of the suggestions that posters made at that time to help you work through your own misplaced feelings that you were projecting at that time?
When I graduated, I was better friends with people with me that last two years than people I met in the first 3 years.
I was glad I got to celebrate with people who were in the same boat as I was for that last two years and know we were moving on together.
My kids do feel sorry fir the late birthday kids, it’s not that they can’t go to parties, or some bars (fakes), but the most popular college bars are very strict, so they can be left out. Where we live, there are popular spots to go to bars where only a real ID will due. But really, what can be done? It’s a birthday! I think these days, it’s not a hard and fast 4 years, you graduate who you graduate with (for ds16, he had no 2020 college graduation).
I graduated from college about 6 weeks before my 21st birthday. Not a big deal (and didn’t stop me from drinking in college). My daughter turned 21 in Dec before a May graduation. She didn’t miss bar hopping because of her age that spring but because she was an athlete and they really couldn’t drink during the season.
Harder for her was when she was in hs and she couldn’t go to R-rated movies with her friends because she was 15-16 and they were 17 (same grade). There just isn’t any way to make it all fair except to do birthdays like race horses, all on Jan 1 of each year. Makes them not very special and that’s a lot of cake on one day.
I hope your son didn’t sit in his dorm room all year depressed because his friends had ALL graduated. I hope he had friends from his prior 4 years or made new friends. He will now be entering the working world where co-workers will all be different ages, will be joining the business or leaving for a new job, and it won’t be a block of 4 years with the same peers. He should have empathy for those under 20 who can’t join him at bars, but maybe also realize that everyone is on their own path and he just has to make his own way down the road.
I felt sorrier for a friend of older S. After freshmen year, he gave away all his stuff because he had to do his mandatory two years of service in South Korea - in the DMZ zone. He came back when all of his friends were seniors, and he was a sophomore. I asked if that was hard on him, and S said not really. He made plenty of new friends.
Then between the 2 sites, it appears the OP has received plenty of feedback. No need to beat that dead horse. Closing thread.