I would have to think very carefully before disrupting the residential relationship of the cheating parent and the child. There are people who commit infidelity who are also loving and responsible parents. Personally I highly value “res life” with both parents. Unlike many, I believe that children are not negatively affected automatically by parental conflict or unhappiness as long as it does not spill over into open conflict in front of the children. Many children benefit more from stability and the day-to-day contact and interest of both mom and dad than they would benefit from some abstract lesson about personal dignity if the offended party walked out.
Much of this is dependent on the age of the child and the circumstances of the family.
I don’t think financial circumstances are trivial. For example, I know students of mine who have dropped out of college because the parents got divorced and there was no money for tuition. They are suffering for their parents’ domestic problems in a way I would not want for my own kids if I could avoid it. I don’t think such a concern is “pathetic and weak.” Of course YMMV.
I agree that cheating is immensely selfish and I have great sympathy with the betrayed. I just don’t believe that automatically terminating the marriage upon the discovery of infidelity is the best course of action if the interests of children are involved.
Would be interesting to see statistics on how many women stay when their husbands cheat as compared to how many men stay when their wives cheat. Am cooking dinner right now but will do a google search to see what I come up with later. That would be interesting data.
Of course there are many scenarios where the spouse who is being cheated on really has no say in the matter - the cheating spouse simply picks up and leaves.
Sue, I agree, financial concerns are not trivial. Also to consider, in the current joint custody climate of divorce settlements, you can leave a cheating spouse, but you also may be sending your minor children to spend every other week with the ex and a revolving parade of partners chosen by their dad. Women may do this as well, but it seems I see more men following this route. Giving up your kids every other week to live in reduced financial circumstances, with a questionable moral environment and supervision for your children in those off weeks changes the ethical makeup of the question.
“Dysfunctional” names a whole lot of gray area. Even families where no one is cheating are likely to have some dysfunction. If you’re trying to decide about the kids, you need to estimate how much dysfunction will result and how much they can live with.
Percent of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional 41 %
Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 57 %
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 54 %
Percent of married men who have strayed at least once during their married lives 22 %
Percent of married women who have strayed at least once during their married lives 14 %
Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker 36 %
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips 35%
Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law 17 %
Average length of an affair 2 years
Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered 31 %
Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught 74 %
Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught 68 %
Percent of children who are the product of infidelity 3 %
These statistics seem contradictory. Who’s the sample? 17% admit to affairs with S/BILS, but only 14% of women admit to having affairs at all? It just doesn’t ring true to me. I also don’t know what “emotional infidelity” means. Does it means finding someone other than your spouse sexually attractive? Then I’m guilty because I think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute as a button (too bad he’s married now also). That doesn’t mean I’ll act on it.
After I posted the stats (which looked credible), I tried to google the research and didn’t find it. But over the years, a much higher percentage of (physical) infidelity has been reported in reputable research than many would think, myself included. And it includes both genders.
I think emotional infidelity would be romantic involvement without consummation,
39 Experiencing infidelity did not make me laugh. (Yeah, just like the weather-- a tornado, hurricane, and blizzard all at the same time. . .)
I actually changed the wording on that to try to include male/female, cheater/cheated-on somewhat concisely without assigning either role to husband/wife, and to convey the fact that it is a mutual decision of the couple to stay together. (Because either one, as an individual, could end the marriage without the consent of the other.)
This (from #44 above) is perhaps a better wording of what I was trying to say:
"Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered 31 %
I read somewhere that 3% is remarkably constant across cultures and times.
At high school, my biology teacher told us that she used to get kids to do a PKU taste test, get data from their parents, and report the results. She stopped that very quickly when it became apparently that simple genetics was not enough to explain all the results.
Related to the topic of infidelity, for two years, I have been consoling a very good friend whose wife has been having an emotional affair. While I recognized he was not perfect, I was very angry with her, but tried to give him and their marriage only support, not advice. We took trips together as couples, etc. I thought he was a good, totally loyal husband and she was going through a selfish mid-life crisis of sorts; she is 60 and looks amazing! I recently found out through another male friend that he has, for the at least the last 8 years (long before her emotional affair started), been seeing escorts when on business trips. I confronted him and he admitted it. He apparently seeks out ones for the “girlfriend experience” (had to google that one). I am so disappointed and disillusioned. Apparently, he and his wife still have relations about twice a week. She does not know about the escorts, and he claims their sex life (on her part) is unenthusiastic, which is something I believe he selfishly uses as a rationalization for his activities.
My question is this, how would you all react to this? I am not talking about telling the wife - I am asking about what it would do to your relationship with the guy.
We are all imperfect human beings and that imperfection finds expression in many different ways. If I had a meaningful friendship with someone, learning of their infidelity would not end the friendship so long as it did not negatively affect me. For instance I would not lie or cover for a friend having an affair. Do what you want to do but don’t entangle me if it is not above board.
My friends are free to make their own choices and the friendship does not depend on them behaving in accordance with my view of the world. Some of the most interesting people I know “color outside the lines” in many areas of their lives. Your friend seems really open about his personal life and I am assuming it is because he trusts you enough to share those confidences. I think my friends know me well enough to know what they can and can’t share comfortably. Infidelity - fine. But there are just some things I don’t ask about and they don’t tell. We all have our comfort zones.
This is news only because Mr. Kroft was triumphant in putting Bill Clinton on the spot on 60 Minutes about affairs while Governor of Arkansas. Hillary was sitting next to him. I’ve got to laugh at the hypocrisy.
I doubt this is Steve Kroft’s first rodeo. His craggy face looks like years of alcohol abuse. No wonder he met the other woman in a bar. His wife is a NY Times best selling author. This affair started about the time she had published a book about Julia Child, “A Covert Affair.” She was experiencing success and his career at CBS is not what it once was. I’m sure his wife has the luxury of a healthy bank account and can make her own decision to stay or go. I’m laughing at him. And cringing for her.
I thought it could be a political vendetta as well. Always thought the same thing about the Eliot Spitzer fiasco. Someone had to dig into his financial records to find those transfers. He certainly had many powerful enemies on Wall Street.
Wait, a political vendetta against Steve Kroft? By who? For what? I mean he calls himself the go-to guy for white house interviews but no-one cares about his dumb useless nothing-burger interviews.He’s not very important. Also, he’s really unattractive. He was always really unattractive and hasn’t changed much at all. But, it’s news because of the texts that somebody gave or more than likely sold to the National Enquirer. And. I doubt it was a politician.
I think that’s unfair. We have no reason to think this was NOT “his first rodeo.” Even if it wasn’t, there’s no reason to believe that Kroft had had an affair at the time he interviewed Clinton; we are after all talking about 20 years ago. Back then, it may have never crossed his mind.
Personally, I feel sorrier for the woman and especially her husband. I know having sympathy for an adulterer seems odd, but she’s 41, not 69 and I think her career is going to take a serious hit. I suspect the law firm where she is a partner is trying to control the damage right now. I can’t imagine a company hiring her to represent it in any deal right now.
Oh and where is cobrat when we need him? From her Facebook page, it looks like she’s a Stuy grad :)!
Okay, I’m starting to understand. You think perhaps Bill Clinton is mad at Steve Kroft. That makes sense, I guess. But, it’s totally wrong because the Gennifer Flowers story was breaking news at the time and she held a giant press conference which back then was highly unusual and featured a so-called reporter from the Howard Stern show and just, oh my. Anyway, the Clintons selected Mr. Kroft and 60 minutes as their choice of venues to respond to that mess and he was widely considered to have conducted a very friendly softball interview under the circumstances. Of course, that was when Hillary had a southern accent and announced she wasn’t Tammy Wynette so it was a little odd. Also, a chandelier came crashing down in the middle of the thing. It was a debacle. But, none of that was his fault and I’m pretty sure they’d agree he was blameless and actually quite easy on them that night while doing his job. I agree it’s not his first rodeo, by far.
Also, whether or not he had an affair has nothing to do with him asking a politician the relevant questions. He was just being a reporter. Everyone else was lining up to ask the same questions. It’s not as though he started that scandal. It just existed and he got the job.