I think it’s important to recognize how often mental illness plays a role. It often shows up for the first time in young adulthood, and it can lead to sudden, serious difficulties for a student who never had them before.
All kinds of reasons. I think young adulthood is an exciting but hard period. Mental illness might appear, but kids also fall in love, get their hearts broken, find out they aren’t as smart as they thought they were, discover new passions and interests, experience life outside their parents’ control. Some kids blossom, some crash and burn, most are somewhere in the middle.
In my small slice of the world, the kid who was effortlessly the val and seemed destined for a PhD is having a quarter life crisis and doing all kinds of public service. His brother the jock and popular guy is making top grades and may be on track for academia. Not crash and burn, more like extreme change of direction, but still surprising.
There is no definitive answer to the OP’s question. If there were, those of us who work in mental health fields with kids and teens might be out a job.
Our S16 crashed and burned his freshman year, only passing 3 classes. He was a NMSF, with some D’s in English on his transcript. Since he just didn’t turn in assignments, it was easy to think he was slacking (and he seemed to believe that himself). This past summer we had him tested, and he was “low average” in written communication. He was “superior” in almost everything else. Imagine having everything be easy the first 9 years of school and suddenly hitting a wall. He’s now classified as having a disability that would get him accomodations, but at this point he’s looking for work and can’t imagine himself going beyond a two year program. Speaking from experience I know that having one area where you just “don’t get it” is even worse when everything else come easily (it was Algebra in my case). We don’t know what the future will bring. If he can support himself and be content without a 4 year degree, more power to him. Maybe if he has some success in CC he’ll see things differently.
In my oldest daughter’s case it was one word INSECURITY!
She did pretty well in high school 3.44UW, went off to college, partied her head off, and dropped out in 42 days barely even went to a class. Looking back it always has been about fitting in for her. Since she was allowed to date at 16 she has only been single for 3 weeks. Always needs affirmation, attention, always gravitated to the “wanderers”, “chill types”, “whatever is cool”, and to this day lives the same way.
25 yrs old same 12$/hr job no benefits, no school still, more secure inside, but not secure enough to go back to school or take that step and try to be something. Eternally scared of being judged, ranked, and being away from her boyfriend for any length of time ultra co-dependent. Her boyfriend is the same content to be a floater, smokes, started new career number 3 at 30 yrs old, no degree, etc etc.
So, far none of my other kids show these traits, but we will see. So, for my experience INSECURITY IS THE BIG REASON it is a beast to fix.
Personal observations:
My niece: Undiagnosed social anxiety issues. Went to college for a semester or two and got derailed by anxiety/roommate issues. Is now a SAHM and sometimes takes college classes.
My nephew: Went to college for a semester or two …then worked a bit and then joined the Air Force. Has left the Air Force and is now going to college for accounting. I suspect he didn’t know what he wanted to do/needed maturity.
Friend’s son: Undiagnosed executive function disorder/Aspergers…Parental help kept him on track during HS, but he didn’t make it to Thanksgiving because of inability to keep track/prioritize everything. Trying to figure everything out now.
Friend’s son: Started at an Ivy…suspect it was too much and self-sabotaged by playing too much video games. Went to a local 4 year college and thrived and has a job related to his major.
Well with my oldest it was definitely the learning disability and not taking her medication – she is still kind of crashing and burning 5 years later but she is 22 now and its not up to me.
OP I wonder the same thing…I don’t have a clue. Everybody has their own story that is about all I can say. But I admit when you see some who appear to be all set, with all the right skills/support to succeed, you do stop and say to yourself “what happened?” when they run off the rails.
@cobrat – Well, that’s the “track” I was referring to (expected requirements and a timeline). It may seem illogical or immature but some people simply can’t work well in that environment.
Hampshire College sounds interesting although it may be a little too freewheeling. I think we need some core classes for the fundamentals. Anyway, I tried to get D18 to look at some LACs, thinking that they might give her more personalized attention, but the first one we visited (Pitzer) was a flop. She’s a STEM kid, so the politicized environment I read about LACs probably isn’t the best. She really needs to be at a place where a STEM prof will take her under his/her wing and guide her a bit. She would absolutely blow the doors off college in that environment. If she’s just another number at college then I think there will be problems.
Earlier, someone asked how I know so much about the 3 examples I mentioned in my original post. I know the parents.
Sometimes, yeah, it does have to do with bad parenting. But a lot of times, it doesn’t. And most definitely, every kid comes out of the womb different. Some kids are just wired differently. Some end up with medical issues which puts stuff on the sideline for awhile. Some kids just decide that they’ve had enough, they want their freedom, and they don’t want anybody telling them what to do anymore. Many of us can probably related to feeling that way when we were that age!
Earlier in this thread, I mentioned the example of DH’s experience right after high school. I would consider that a crash & burn scenario. He screwed up multiple times. Made a string of bad choices. Had to take multiple classes multiple times before he got a passing grade. He made some really dumb choices. He eventually got his act together and figured everything out, though.
Much of it comes down to motivation. I know several kids who are nearing 30 and who just now have the motivation to buckle down and finish college. Why some acquire this early and some late, who knows? Some mature earlier than others. Some have more inherent drive and perserverance. Others are looking for the quick ‘rewards’ rather than the long term gains.
My son has a friend who has wanted to be a doctor since he was little. He went off to college with high hopes, but between ADD and who knows what he left college. For a while he was an EMT and was studying to be a paramedic. Then next I hear he is working on an organic farm. He always seems happy whatever he is doing. He is a delight to be around. I’m sure eventually he’ll figure out where he belongs. It may be back to college eventually, but it might not be and that’s okay too.
Another friend of ours has a kid who went off to Princeton and never seemed to find his footing. He walked with his class, but has no degree because he never wrote his senior thesis. He changed majors when the first one proved too challenging. He hasn’t had anything more than part time jobs since. He seems to have both mental and physical issues (though the mental issues may well be caused by the physical ones.) I think his parents did way too much helicoptering both in high school and beyond, but in their shoes I might have done the same. I can’t really judge. Unlike kid one, he seems unhappy, but unable to move forward.
Students who are self-motivated, have good time management skills and grit are the most likely to succeed once they leave the nest and are on their own. Some are ready at 18, some later on, others . . . never.
From what I’ve observed, some kids crash and burn due to lack of direction/guidance/ good advice/role models.
Some fail due to Impulsivity/impatience-- Inability to make long-term plans, inability to delay gratification/ manage time/make sacrifices for future benefit. Inability to work within the system/follow rules. Inability to “stick-it-out” when faced with frustration.
Some kids have mental illnesses, depression, anxiety, lack of motivation, lack of energy. Some make poor choices in their personal lives/relationships that have serious long-term consequences. Good influences of friends, mentors, spouses/SOs can be very beneficial. Bad influences can be a disaster.
Or if you read here on CC…people don’t know how to deal with obstacles…they think they can handle it themselves but really would do better with medical, mental health, counseling, academic issues, roommate issues , family issues if they reached out for help.
I don’t know yet whether my kids will “crash and burn” - I kinda sorta did myself (more than once) but have muddled along reasonably happily. If my offspring do not follow in my footsteps, I will consider one major factor to be their stronger intrinsic drive: to learn, to succeed, to whatever. Why are they more driven than their mother? Who knows. I can’t credit my perfect parenting skills; they were already more forceful than me as infants. 
I know all about the crash and burn student.
Someone else on this thread mentioned kids who have good planning skills and how they tend to do better at college. I had one of those, and she finished an engineering BS in 4 years and a Master’s degree in 2. Many, many of her friends took longer to get their degrees. She’s always been a responsible adult – and didn’t get those great planning and responsible skills from me, for sure.
Our youngest son, however, went to a nice college for two years – and crashed and burned. He has ADD, and he just didn’t have the maturity and/or the planning skills. He came home, crashed and burned his first semester home – while working and going to community college. Then, the next semester – something just “clicked,” and he got more than 100% for an A in a pre-calculus class. Retook a class he flunked, and got a B. Took Calculus summer semester for a 5-6 week speedy course, got a B while working. Since he’s done so well with those classes, he is now ramping up to almost a full load of classes this Fall.
I don’t know if this progress will continue. It’s looking really good right now, so I sure hope so. But we were really prepared for our son to find something else other than college to do with his life. He just wanted to stick with it, even when he was doing poorly. I’ve talked to many other parents – and I’ve heard the same story time and time again – some students do not mature until the mid to late 20’s. They do poorly in their early years of college, only to return and do beautifully later on. They may take 8-10 years to get their bachelor’s. It doesn’t matter – if they’re happy, and progressing – slow and steady wins the race for many of our kids.
I truly think that, barring any type of actual mental illness, those students that do the best in college are those that were allowed to FAIL when they were home. They did not get a participation trophy for coming in last in a race, they had to stay up all night to complete a paper they waited till the last minute to do (instead of mom writing some crap excuse to the teacher about illness or some such lie), that they were made to suffer consequences for mistakes (in line with their age and level of maturity). Always thought it was best for kids to master “failure” at home when there was a loving person to cushion their fall -or at least provide comfort. If the first time a kid experiences failure on their own is college, along with all the other stresses of being away from home, it can be too much for some. Just my two cents.
How about schools like Harvey Mudd(LAC and an elite STEM school), Caltech(My older cousin felt it was very freewheeling and not overly restrictive though one must keep in mind he arrived and finished there after a year at a Federal Service Academy), Olin?
And going back to the factor of being in a wrong environment. For instance, if I had somehow ended up at a Federal Service Academy* or colleges with unusually high academic rigor/workload like Reed, UChicago, CMU, MIT, JHU, Swat, etc…I would have likely crashed and burned.
- One HS teacher I had who was also a reserve military officer(O-5) once quipped that if I somehow ended up at one of the Federal Service Academies, I'd probably not only get booted out within the first few weeks, but end up spending the next several years at Fort Leavenworth.
"In my small slice of the world, the kid who was effortlessly the val and seemed destined for a PhD is having a quarter life crisis and doing all kinds of public service. "
Sounds swell to me. Honestly, he/she will probably be a greater benefit to society through public service than another PhD. I think it is commendable when folks, especially smart folks, put making a difference above $$. When you’re single and childless, what better time than to explore a little, try new things, work in jobs where you don’t have to prioritize a paycheck.
“Anyway, I tried to get D18 to look at some LACs, thinking that they might give her more personalized attention, but the first one we visited (Pitzer) was a flop. She’s a STEM kid, so the politicized environment I read about LACs probably isn’t the best. She really needs to be at a place where a STEM prof will take her under his/her wing and guide her a bit. She would absolutely blow the doors off college in that environment. If she’s just another number at college then I think there will be problems.”
LACs sound like the perfect fit. I think the “politicized” thing is overblown in the media with a few instances receiving much attention. Even on campus, it is easy to stay out of the politically charged environment. Many students do. A lot of LACS are VERY strong in STEM, not just Harvey Mudd. And, yes, there are professors who guide students. That’s a real tangible strength at LACs.