<p>Is having your child be a complete mix of your and your partner’s DNA all that important?</p>
<p>It really seems illogical to pay tens of thousands of dollars to do fertility treatments … giving birth does form maternal bonds but why all the fuss about where the embryo comes from?</p>
<p>It is a biological urge. It is the way we are designed.</p>
<p>I certainly feel the urge to have children at some point in my life, but it really isn’t an issue if they don’t have my DNA.</p>
<p>This is a great question. I believe there is an urge to have children shared by most (though not all) people and to participate in creating life is beyond words. BUT, the birth and pregnancy are such a tiny part of being a parent which is a lifelong joy. I am blessed to be a parent by birth and by adoption. Each experience was different, yet completely wonderful. You form strong maternal bonds whether the child shares your DNA or not, it is not even an issue for our family. Both sons are “my own” and honestly neither one is looks like or has the same personality as my husband or myself.
(A Good Thing!) Having children is not like xeroxing yourself, thank goodness. If you desire children, giving birth is wonderful but so is creating a family by adoption. Either way you get to parent and nurture a child, the greatest blessing there is.</p>
<p>We were blessed to have our kids easily, so didn’t have to think about this. I’m sure that if we had had children who were not genetically our own, we would have loved them just as much, and cherished them, and that parenting them would have had all the joys that we have had with our kids.</p>
<p>That said, there is something about looking at my boys’ hands and seeing the same crooked pinkie that I have… knowing where many of their gifts - and foibles - come from… seeing my brothers faces in theirs… it has always been a part of our lives, and a part that I do value. I don’t think that necessarily makes me shallow or a bad person. </p>
<p>If we hadn’t easily conceived on our own, we would probably have made a few attempts to have science help us before attempting adoption route.</p>
<p>Bottom line is that no matter how a child comes into a family, that child deserves to be wanted and loved.</p>
<p>“I certainly feel the urge to have children at some point in my life, but it really isn’t an issue if they don’t have my DNA.”</p>
<p>Come back and comment when you’re about to have kids. Theory and practice are … different.</p>
<p>Actually when I was young, I had the exact same feelings as the OP ^, that DNA did not matter to me. </p>
<p>It turned out to be true, in theory AND in practice.</p>
<p>“You form strong maternal bonds whether the child shares your DNA or not, it is not even an issue for our family. Both sons are “my own” and honestly neither one is looks like or has the same personality as my husband or myself.”</p>
<p>My experience exactly.</p>
<p>The software is just as important as the hardware, maybe more so.</p>
<p>“The software is just as important as the hardware, maybe more so.”</p>
<p>I can see that you’ve never done major software ports.</p>
<p>LOL</p>
<p>It’s easier if you use Java.</p>
<p>I have known many couples who wanted children but they just did not conceive them. The first thing to do when there are infertility issues is to check out yourselves to see if the problem can be easily solved. Adopting a child or taking other routes to having children that involve outsiders is more difficult, expensive and risky. By having your own kids, you have more control over the process much of the time, even when it involves some of the more complicated procedures. When you involve others, you are at their mercy and often do not have as much information. </p>
<p>It is not easy to get an infant for adoption. That is often more of an issue than aversion to adoption at all. I know a number of folks that suffered a lot of heartaches in the adoption process. And again, you are involving people you do not know in the situation.</p>
<p>My neighbor has children through extensive fertility treatment. They underwent this after a tremendously terrible experience with an open adoption. As much as they wanted more children, they absolutely could not deal with the issues they had with the open adoption scene. They are forever associated with a family that has a lot of issues because they adopted this baby. </p>
<p>We had considered adopting a child after having our first two. It would not have been an easy process, unless we wanted older or high risk kids. Otherwise it would have been expensive and difficult.</p>
<p>I have known many couples who wanted children but they just did not conceive them. The first thing to do when there are infertility issues is to check out yourselves to see if the problem can be easily solved. Adopting a child or taking other routes to having children that involve outsiders is more difficult, expensive and risky. By having your own kids, you have more control over the process much of the time, even when it involves some of the more complicated procedures. When you involve others, you are at their mercy and often do not have as much information. </p>
<p>It is not easy to get an infant for adoption. That is often more of an issue than aversion to adoption at all. I know a number of folks that suffered a lot of heartaches in the adoption process. And again, you are involving people you do not know in the situation.</p>
<p>My neighbor has children through extensive fertility treatment. They underwent this after a tremendously terrible experience with an open adoption. As much as they wanted more children, they absolutely could not deal with the issues they had with the open adoption scene. They are forever associated with a family that has a lot of issues because they adopted this baby. </p>
<p>We had considered adopting a child after having our first two. It would not have been an easy process, unless we wanted older or high risk kids. Otherwise it would have been expensive and difficult.</p>
<p>Adoption can cost thousands of dollars as well. It’s not very cheap, especially if you’re doing so internationally. Also, there was a recent article in the NYTimes I think that discussed how often international adoptions play out more like kidnappings. As it turns out there aren’t that many healthy babies from third world countries that are dying for some American’s help. Many of the children who need homes are toddlers and have been seriously traumatized. There IS a dark side to this whole adoption business that many Americans ignore. While I think that adoption is a great idea, I can understand why some (including my parents) would prefer to have a child of their own. I mean, what if you need a kidney transplant one day? (jk)</p>
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<p>Many people may not pay much at all, since infertility treatments can be covered by insurance plans.</p>
<p>Sarah, you are right. When we looked into adoption, I was surprised with some of the issues that arise. There are kids with all kinds of conditions, from families with all kinds of issues, problems like drugs, incest, crime, etc that you have to be willing to address when you adopt a child from such a situation. There is not a glut of babies to be adopted without a lot of issues involved. There is also the issue of what you are actually doing in paying the money that involves an international adoption. You may be contributing to disturbing trends like baby selling, snatching, etc. </p>
<p>We have friends who recently adopted a Guatamalan baby. It was a long, costly process. I’m not so sure that baby really needed the adoption. </p>
<p>Many who want children are pursuing several options at the same time. They are going through multiple adoption avenues along with fertility treatments. It’s what comes through first that ends up being how they get the baby, not necessarily preference for the method of obtaining the child. I know a number of people who two kids about the same age when an adoption comes through at about the same time as conception.</p>
<p>Also many babies who are born to a couple may not have both parents’ dna these days. You just don’t know whose DNA the baby has. THere is often supplemented sperm or someone else’s eggs being used. Sometimes that information is not shared with others as it is not anyone’s business.</p>
<p>You hopefully like yourself and think you’re special and you hopefully get with someone you think is brilliant and beautiful. Of course you want to reproduce!</p>
<p>“It’s easier if you use Java.”</p>
<p>Really? I have a small (by today’s standard) VAX 6330. How’s Java run on that machine? I imagine native codegen doesn’t work too well.</p>
<p>How does Java run on PowerPC? Itanium? Alpha? IBM 370? PA-RISC? System 38?</p>
<p>In the US not many insurance plans cover infertility treatments. </p>
<p>In our case, the choice became continuing with infertility treatments, which was an invasion of privacy I’d grown used to, or open up our heads, hearts and home to ever more strangers. </p>
<p>We were near the end of the road with infertility treatments and would have accepte ever futher intrusions into our lives to become parents but we got very, very lucky and did not need to do that.</p>
<p>We had already decided if the problem were my egg or his sperm, we’d use donor. DNA did not matter, trying to hang onto as much privacy as we could did. It may sound trivial to some, but it’s something I cannot really articulate except to say that I felt robbed of sharing this with only my husband and I really resented having to enlist a team to get to parenthood. I don’t resent the people who made parenthood possible for us, I resent that I needed them at all.</p>
<p>I am sad that there is so much negativity associated with adoption. Having known dozens of families that adopted and researching hundreds of adoption stories, the vast majority are positive situations for all concerned. It is not fair to take the few negative stories and apply that generally to adoption in general. Yes it can be difficult. Yes it can be expensive. But so worth it!!! (Pregnancy and infertility treatments can be expensive and difficult as well) Children do not come with warranties, biological children have all kinds of health problems as well. Parenthood is risky, not matter how you do it and it is certainly not for wimps!</p>
<p>When my husband and I decided to adopt, friends and relatives came out of the wood work to discourage us, to tell us horror stories and try to talk us out of it. It was quite a shock. Even as we were bringing our beautiful baby home, walking with him into the house, a neighbor called over and said “I hope you know what you are getting yourself into!” THANK GOD we did not listen to any of it. Our son is the apple of our eye and we could not love him more. </p>
<p>It is important to be fair and honest in discussing the challenges of adoption. But please be careful in generalizing too much. There ARE children out there who do need homes and it would be a crime to talk someone out of giving a home to a child who needs one.</p>