Why do we hurt the ones we love? Mother issues.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>So, I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll try my best. I’m busy with prepping for finals, but I find this to be dominating my life right now, and I guess I’d just like some parental input. I’d appreciate any insight, and I’m sorry if what I say is awful and insensitive.</p>

<p>My mother and I have a difficult, trying relationship. My father passed away from cancer when I was in elementary school, and we’ve been braving it out together ever since. I love and respect her greatly for her strength and for her love, but at the same time, I don’t…</p>

<p>We’re very poor. She makes 17k/yr and basically gets by with financial help from her 88 year-old mother. She generally cannot handle money to save her life, and I find myself growing resentful. She buys beer and cigarettes and fast food and whatever seems fine at the moment, but then she can’t pay our gas bill. My grandmother picks her up whenever she falls, but meanwhile, I’m left to take care of myself since my mother is the irresponsible one.</p>

<p>Unlike her, I’m doing fine financially. I’ve mentioned on here before how I have quite a sum of money saved up, and I will admit that half the reason why I have such an amount is because our poverty provided me with government grants and funding. She knows this, though, and she often holds it over my head. What she does is for me, she says; what we’ve become is for the best and for my future.</p>

<p>Naturally, this is a lot to bear. However, I live at home with her and commute, and I don’t think this situation can change. I became greedy and stayed home to save up and earn money, and now it’s too late to get a spot on campus next year because the dorms are filled (small school with limited housing availability). I’ve arranged a vacation of sorts for a few weeks later this summer, so while that’s a temporary escape, I’m left with the remaining reality of my situation.</p>

<p>I do talk to her. When she has a bit too much to drink and she gets emotional, I tell her how she needs to change and how she needs to start making better choices. Even when she’s perfectly sober, I offer to help her create a budget plan, I offer to help her find savings, I offer to help her find a better job; I offer everything I can to try and make it better.</p>

<p>As I’ve also mentioned, my father’s family has a business at which I work. That’s the other problem. She HATES them; she RESENTS them. I make good money there with them, but she insults them every time I bring them up. She speaks of how my father was a good-for-nothing drunk and how she would have divorced him if he hadn’t gotten sick, and she tells me how evil and vile my living relatives are (they were pretty malicious to her, so I do understand her. But I’ve never experienced this side of them myself). They’ve assured her that she always has a job if she ever needs it, but of course she won’t swallow her pride even though it’d help her financials.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, I’m fine emotionally with my father’s death and with her precarious state. I’m fully functional. I’m not trying to paint a petty portrait of how sad my life is. I’ve moved on and I’m moving forward, and though my situation sucks, I’m not fazed. It’s not my situation that bothers me. Rather, it’s the way I choose to react to it.</p>

<p>I can be mean to her. Very, very mean. She’s stuck at the point in her life where she just wants to be this perfect mother living with her daughter, and though she cooks for me, thinks of me, and truly does love me, all I focus on is the bad. She talks too loud (she seriously screams); she sounds uneducated sometimes (she almost has an MA); she thinks she’s so smart but I can see logical and grammatical flaws in her; she gets upset with me and guilt trips me like no other; she’s not feminine and her voice is rough and not soothing to me; and she’s just generally too much sometimes.</p>

<p>What’s worse is that I sometimes say this to her. Today, I snapped about her voice booming and how it hurts my ears. She got emotional and childishly mean, and when I later apologized, she looked me in the eye and said she couldn’t believe how disgusted my tone was.</p>

<p>And in all sincerity, today I realized that I AM disgusted. She’s not the mother I wanted her to be. I’m not the daughter I wanted to be. I’m not the PERSON I wanted to be. I stockpile money while she goes into debt, and I pick on her voice while she sits there and cooks for me. I sit here ranting on College Confidential while she’s probably crying in the other room.</p>

<p>I know this screams therapy, but I don’t think that can happen, either. She’ll never go, and if I go, I’m afraid she’ll notice it or see it somewhere. I don’t know if Medicaid even pays for counseling, and I just don’t know what to do.</p>

<p>I verge on the dramatic because it’s easier to communicate it that way. I’m sorry if that also makes it appear insensitive and diminishing.</p>

<p>In the end, why do I do this to her? Why do I do this to myself? How can I take a step back and become a better person?</p>

<p>Thanks for reading. </p>

2

<p>I’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t beat yourself up. You are trying to make the best of a bad situation. Keep reminding yourself that it won’t always be like this. One of my parents was really a bad parent, and my childhood was not ideal because of it. Once I was out of college and on my own, with a stable life and good support system, it was easier for me to forgive, and get (mostly) past it. Someone told me once that you have two chances to have a good parent-child relationship. If it doesn’t work out when you’re a child, you can make it work out when you’re a parent. For some reason, I found that comforting. (and it was true for me) Just keep doing your best, and keep the idea of counseling on the table. There are practices that do phone or Skype counseling if you can’t be there in person. A good counselor might be able to give you some very useful coping strategies. Hugs to you. </p>

3

<p>If you can afford it, you might see if you can move on campus at the end of first semester. Sometimes spaces open up because more people study abroad in the spring than in the fall. It certainly won’t resolve all of your problems, but it can be so hard to live day to day with someone who isn’t making good choices, no matter how much you love them. You are doing what you need to in order to secure your future, and to some extent put yourself in a position to help her a bit more as well.</p>

4

<p>So often, our parents are not who we want them to be. For some people, it takes a long time to realize that, and those people wonder what’s wrong with them. For you, you’ve realized this relatively young, and the issue right now is how to deal with this person whom you don’t respect and whom you [justifiably] think you are better than.</p>

<p>Do find a therapist – even if you need to pay out-of-pocket – because I suspect you won’t need more than one or two or three sessions. The therapist will help you understand what you’re feeling and how to deal with your mother in the short-term. And short-term is all you really need to be concerned with, because you’ll soon be out on your own and seeing or talking to her infrequently. I suspect you will only need a few sessions because you sound very mature, very clear, and very knowledgeable about where you are and what you think.</p>

<p>Good luck to you, and come back here and let us know how you’re doing.</p>

<p>ETA: You cannot help your mother make good choices. A therapist will help you see how to distance yourself from her poor choices. It’s not your fault, and you’re not responsible for “rescuing” her.</p>

5

<p>You are a wonderful person. It’s unfortunate that you are where you are in life right now, but I can already “see” through your words that you will make it out of this and be better for it.</p>

<p>Ditto on the therapy advice. </p>

<p>Keep saving money. Don’t try to teach her how to budget, unless she actually asks for help. Don’t bad mouth your father’s side of the family, and consider avoiding your mother when she wants to do so. Find yourself suddenly busy.</p>

<p>As someone said above, try to move on campus.</p>

<p>Think long term. Eventually, your grandmother will die. She may leave what she has to your mother or she may not have anything left by then. Plan for this and realize that you may need more distance. Your mother is an adult.</p>

<p>I have a mother that I have absolutely nothing in common with, other than raw genetic material. She too is horrible with money. My oldest brother finally bought a very cheap but decent house in an area she likes and she lives there. She would lose it if it were in her name. Maybe, when you are out of college and set up in your career you may be able to do the same. Maybe not, but it would be a way to relieve any worry or guilt. </p>

<p>Realize that some folks who have nothing have no impulse control or ability to think ahead. It’s easier to have a quick pleasure now (fast food, booze) than plan for a future that she can never believe will happen for her. Don’t try to change her viewpoint or habits (but leave if she is abusive), but realize that she is NOT who you will become. She’s the person that brought you into this world; she isn’t you or your future.</p>

<p>Study hard- look ahead. </p>

6

<p>I have mom issues, too, but my mom is around your grandma’s age! The following is a mantra two wise friends gave me; I found that it helps my stress and mental health. I made many copies so I have one in my wallet, on my computer, near the phone, etc. etc.:</p>

<p>My mom is fine just as she is.
I can try to understand why she does what she does, but I don’t have to.
I give her to God.
I am fine letting her be just as she is.</p>

<p>As you and I have discovered, just wishing and saying won’t bring about the changes that we want, much as we want them and feel the other person needs to change. That won’t happen unless the other person wants to. Or in my case, when my mom moves are enough along in senility I may need to seek a court order. :frowning: My heart goes out to you, however, and I marvel at your maturity, resiliency, and super high level of functioning. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>OP, are you a full-time college student? Your school has counselling available. Give it a try–nothing ventured, nothing gained.</p>

<p>I am much, much, much older than you, but I started therapy a year and a half ago when I was dealing with my dad’s and stepmother’s increasing needs as they hit their late 80s and had no one else to help. When I started helping them, I felt like I was in danger of electrocution every time I walked into their house. But when my dad died last week, I was so much less conflicted and I am extremely grateful that I got to where I am now before he passed away.</p>

<p>You are a good girl in a tough spot. It’s worth looking for psychological help. Dr. Freud Never Sleeps!</p>

<p>(((((hugs))))) and good luck.</p>

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<p>Great suggestion from oldmom^^^ about counseling through your school’s health center. It will either be free or require only a small payment.</p>

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<p>I agree with the counseling and the getting some space. You need to be away from your mom and grow up on your own some. This is a time in your life when it is natural to pull away from your parents, and you can’t get away now. The relationship will some have ups and downs and this is a period when many mother/daughter relationships are difficult. </p>

<p>It is great you have the insight to know this isn’t what you want.</p>

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<p>I’d like to thank everyone for their responses! It really helps, and it gives me some more hope. </p>

<p>I will look into what my university offers for counseling, but I think it is a good idea to maybe look into paying out-of-pocket for private sessions. I think it would help just to officially get it off my chest and get some advice on how to move forward, and I know I could afford it, too. </p>

<p>As for the living situation, I will look into living on campus in the winter if it’s possible. And if it’s not, I’ll hopefully have the strength to just continue like I’ve been doing. </p>

<p>Thanks again for all the support and encouragement. I really appreciate it :slight_smile: </p>

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<p>{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}</p>

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<p>The important thing is not to live on campus but to move out of your mother’s house. There’s almost always someone who needs a roommate to make rent affordable. If you have money for a dorm, you probably have money for that. Start looking on Facebook and (physical) bulletin boards on campus. if that doesn’t work, look in the school paper, and from there go to your local paper. At your age it’s FUN to live Bohemian-style. Just get out of that house.</p>

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<p>Awww hugs to you OP. So sorry you’re going through this. Definitely try school counseling services and try and find some way to move out of the house. My mom and I had a terribly strained relationship and she was often abusive, and like you mentioned about your mother, she was just too much sometimes. We were total opposites in every way. Just moving out and getting some space has helped so, so much. Without the constant nagging and loud scream/talking are relationship has improved and I’m in a much better place mentally. Find some way to move out of there, you’re obviously an intelligent, strong person with a good head on your shoulders, you’re going to be just fine in the end. Wish I could be of more help but I’m really not qualified being a college student myself. Wishing you the best of luck surviving this situation and again, virtual bear hug. Let us know if anything changes.</p>