Why doesn’t anyone tell you that even when your children are in their 20s, you might feel guilty and responsible when they’re late to work because of a big event in their city that you knew about ahead of time and they didn’t? (D said she might get fired because of this. Oh, well. She wasn’t in love with this place anyway.)
Our daughter went to band camps, two or more a summer, that were on college campuses from grade 6 through 12. Some were only 5 days long at the younger ages, then ten days to two weeks long at the older ages. I certainly think these experiences helped her to know what living in dorms and having random roommates was like. It certainly has helped in that regard. The homesickness, well we are a very close family who has lived overseas for a long time, and now we are very far apart for about five months at a time. So the homesickness, while she copes with it, it a different issue than getting along socially with others. She has never had a huge cadre of friends, and as long as she has one or two, she is happy.
I agree with others in saying that summer weeks away during high school can be helpful. My D spent at least two weeks, sometimes up to a month, away several years, but in the end it didn’t make that first year at college any easier on a social level. When you know its just a couple of weeks, its different, not so important to forge great relationships. When its 9 months, it starts to get real.
That is echoing my daughter’s experience so far @NEPatsGirl . She doesn’t understand why it just happened so easily during her summers, and it’s much more difficult at college. I told her that I believe the “risk” factor is absent during many of these summer camps, especially for the 7-21 day experience. If it’s a disaster, you are only there for a short time, so you can go home and forget it. No risk. No doubt many of the transitory relationships would have begun pulling apart and shifting, much as they do at college, if the camp kids had spent more time together.
And, not for nothing but camp is or should be stress-free fun, college not so much lol. It makes a marked difference in how you approach things when your future is in the balance.
“…She has never had a huge cadre of friends, and as long as she has one or two, she is happy…”
This is me. I’ve always had a few close friends, that I do the bulk of my socializing with, instead of having lots of friends across many friend groups.
The downside to that is it leaves you vulnerable if you haven’t yet found your 1-4 buddies you do things with regularly. Or, if you get separated from your buddies, it can really take time to find replacements.
On the “What people didn’t tell me” subject. We became empty nesters this year. So we’ve had a number of new experiences. A few surprised me.
- Just how crazy excited I am to see my kids when we get a chance. I suppose this shouldn't be a "surprise" but the intensity of it was for me. We stay in touch via texting and occasionally Skype but it's kind of like Christmas when we go see them or they come home.
- How quickly we were able to fill up our time. Part of this is related to #1 in my post. Even going to see each of them once a semesters is two weekends out of 16. Plus it was just so easy to do little things that add up. Local college basketball game sure, join a mandolin choir ..why not, discount tickets to see the ballet/opera of Dracula off we go, my wife who rarely exercises started a going to a yoga class. We started inviting people over to our house for dinner again. The list goes on.
- How much less we spend on groceries even with just 1 less mouth to feed. We cut back by halving recipes and so forth. It's just easier to eat healthier for us.
- Is really a rehash of post 153. I have learned to follow up on crisis posts or e-mails a few hours or days after the crisis. Usually it's resolved for everyone but me.
There are lots of others I could list here. I also think that for those of us who attended college it was the first the time in our lives we really had a shared experience. As we’ve gotten older we tend to romanticize it somewhat but since college is a time of independence and creating our own experiences we can be both excited and scared for our kids. I have stories I will probably never share with my kids. I wasn’t bad per say but some of the things I did in college were not a reflection of the person I want to be today. I know my kids are going to have similar experiences and it’s hard especially in today’s uber connected world to let them have those experiences good and bad without interfering. I try my best to monitor our correspondences to be as sure as I can that they aren’t doing anything irreparable but beyond that let them experience the good and bad of this independence. Sigh.
With the changing of the seasons (and the clock), who has gotten the “I’m sick” phone call/message?
Spoke to S yesterday and today. Has a classic cold that includes a sore throat. No fever. Bought him a bunch of Nyquil/Dayquil stuff before he moved in. He had been out Saturday raking leaves and prepping a local park for winter with one of his clubs. He’s busy, tired, not well, nearly out of Nyquil, and his spring semester class registration started at midnight last night. He called me after his morning class absolutely wired on caffeine but stuffy and irritable. Has a decent schedule but was on a waiting list for xx class. Monday is his busiest day. I needed Dramamine to keep up with him. Gosh I miss him.
Thanksgiving break is just around the corner. Hang in there.
So true @Midwest67, the vulnerability is there, can’t really mitigate that, but just be there when the relationships aren’t happening. As an only child, mine is happy doing stuff on her own as well as with others, at least for a while when it happens, and she is the one in our family who reminds us that “there is a difference between being lonely and being alone.”
@Lindagaf - I think we, as parents, experience something similar to our kids. They see friends posting on social media about how great things are, so they don’t want to post anything negative. Maybe we do the same thing. We don’t talk about the difficulties.
My D had a difficult time transitioning to college. I worried, A LOT. Making friends was difficult. The new party scene was difficult to navigate. Learning to take care of herself was difficult. Finding allergies were different 2000 miles away from home was difficult. She was sick dozens of times the first semester - she’s a singer, so a hoarse, hacky voice isn’t good. She decided to stay on campus for the 2 day Fall Break and most everyone else left. By the end of the 4 days (including weekend) she was a puddle.
She visited the counseling office, she visited the weekly Kairos “meeting”.
I worried, even more.
She was excited to go back after Christmas break as her school has January rush. It was in the 2nd semester that she became more comfortable. Participation in her sorority helped. But, still not a slam-dunk with friendships. She has always struggled with friendships.
Thankfully, the school part was all good.
As a sophomore, she has started to soar. Chosen her major, lots of new friends, more confidence, great grades, feeling good about herself.
I’m sorry your D has had a difficult transition. While it seems that “most” of the girls have lots of friends and transition without incident, I do believe there are more issues than we will ever know. Secret phone calls home. Tears in private. Etc! You, and your D, are NOT alone.
P.S. While typing this, I had to pause to talk with my D who called. She’s do excited to come home for winter break, she just felt she needed to call.
Mine has been sick for a solid 2 months. Her college health center is useless. I am getting very concerned. She’s now on antibiotics for sinus infection and bronchitis. It is beginning to affect her schoolwork.
In keeping with the title of the thread I would say why doesn’t anyone tell you that in the beginning you will be happy when they text or call a lot but later you learn to be happy (although it is bittersweet) to not hear from your child very often because it means she is handling things on her own and doing well.
This has been a rocky fall for us but I think we are getting on top of things.
@“Queen’s Mom” - Is your DD going to school in a new area of the country? Allergies vary depending on region. We discovered Virginia is difficult for her in the Fall and in AZ her issues are Jan - March. So, my DD was sick all the time. This year, a daily Allegra has kept her sick-free. Worth a try.
Yes, @phoenixmomof2 . She’s in New England (Western Mass) and we are in the DC suburbs. She has always had allergy issues, so I sent her up with a huge bottle of Claritin, but she has not been taking them. Really, she is not taking care of herself at all…and to keep with the title of the thread: Why doesn’t anyone tell you that your responsible child will do absolutely nothing to monitor her own health once she leaves the house? She eats badly, sleeps badly, and won’t take medication.
@“Queen’s Mom” So, so true!!! Here’s to better luck sophomore year. 
I we raised some stubborn young women who think Mom knows NOTHING!
BTW - I DD was sniffling on the phone yesterday. I asked if she’s been taking her Allegra… NO! When will they ever learn?
I actually think it isn’t possible to truly understand “talking to a brick wall” until they leave home:-)
@Lindagaf =))
@Lindagaf, it drives me NUTS to try to get D2 to do the very simplistic of administrative tasks at school. It can (not kidding) take ten requests to get her to do something needed to help her to stay in school, keep health insurance, etc. Argh.
And it is equally hard to let them crash and burn if we don’t remind them, though the crash and burn approach might be most effective in the long run.
@“Queen’s Mom” THIS!
My freshman D got off the plane for fall break earlier this month with what turned out to be a raging sinus infection and a stress fracture in her foot. She “hadn’t gotten around” to going into the campus health center to check on either one, even though I had mentioned over the phone a couple of times that the cold that had been lingering for 3 weeks may have morphed into a sinus infection.
We joked that her college had chewed her up and spit her out. After visits to the internist and orthopedist, she got on antibiotics and has a walking boot.
I was glad I was able to take care of her over the break, but surprised that she had let both problems go unaddressed for so long. A reminder that they walk like an adult, talk like and adult, and look like an adult yet the “wiring” inside their head isn’t quite done when they’re 18!