Again- I reiterate - my D is completely on board. Honestly a feature like that has “always” been there on her phone (used to be sprint family locator) b/c all our phones are covered within the same plan. We had a conversation about it before she left for college 2 years ago, and again before she left for study abroad. I am not trying to helicopter or micromanage. But she is a 20 year old girl at school in NYC (and now London) - there are safety issues.
Each family needs to make their own decisions - this is what is “normal” for us. I don’t text/call my husband to see if he has left work - I locate. He often locates me after school (I teach) to see if I am running errands, and will then ask if I can pick up for him.
To each their own. If it works in your family dynamic- that little app brings ME a lot of piece of mind. To ME - the word “monitoring” implies approval/disapproval - that’s not what I see myself as doing. If others do see it that way and don’t like it - well, they can do things another way. As long as my kid is on board- I’ll keep going
Didn’t intend to start a debate. Actually, we all have life 360 on our phones. Family is all okay with it. What would I do if she wasn’t where I thought she should be? Nothing. She is an adult. She can take the app off as well. But if she wants to call and I can’t answer, she can easily see that I have checked in at work or driving or whatever. Same for all of us. I agree some could call it “monitoring” but I think of it more as “locating.”
I also “monitor” her blood sugar via her Dexcom (she is a Type I Diabetic). She has had two severe hypos while in college and I was able to “locate” her, contact her and make sure she had what she needed. Sometimes diabetics lose the sense that something is wrong and a little extra help can go a long way.
I think some people use technology for creepy reasons and some do not.
Bear House, I find the different time zones helpful for monitoring with the Dexcom. I have 6 hours when I am awake and she is not, at either end of her night. Type 1 alters relationships in many ways. I am in the habit of talking with my daughter every morning: before the Dexcom it was to make sure she was still alive.
Truthfully, it hasn’t been smooth sailing. She has had a few unpleasant experiences, mostly involving silly teenage behavior. Being snubbed, and ignored text messages, etc. She has felt rejected and has worked hard to meet some new friends. Two steps forward, one step back is probably a good summary at this point.
Again, something nobody tells you, but that I have since discovered, and really should have anticipated: most kids will have some teething pains when they go to college. Every kid handles change and upheaval in their own way. We really thought she was going to happily go off to college and everything would just fall into place. Hasn’t really been the case, and I kind of wish we had thought more about how to handle this transition. Though I don’t know what we could have done differently. Interestingly, in talking to people, it seems to be the rare student that doesn’t have some kind of fairly major struggle as a freshman.
I am not sure what the future holds, but in addition to getting a good education, she is certainly learning a lot about becoming an adult and handling things on her own. She does think it’s easier than high school:-). I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. She is there for some purpose, and it may be that it’s a means for her to get to where she ultimately needs to be.
I won’t talk about it further here, because it has been stressful. But it might be helpful to some other unsuspecting parents, so I thought it best to respond honestly. Here is my advice: be ready. The road isn’t necessarily going to be straight and smooth. Getting into college is the beginning of a new journey. The hard part for both parents and kids is when they set off on it.
Hugs, @lindagf. You’ve been a supportive and loving parent through this difficult path for your daughter. I can empathize with what you are going through as a parent whose child has gone through a challenging patch.
Many students who might start off smoothly encounter bumps further down the road of their college experience.
@lindagaf - I am so sorry that the transition has been difficult for your daughter. I can imagine how hard this has been for you as well. I think you are really wise to put a positive spin on her experience thus far. I agree with you that failures and struggles happen to us for a reason and are what make us stronger. This parenting job truly never gets any easier. Thinking of you and your daughter.
Going to college and seeing them succeed is awesome!! College visits, seeing your child grow up and live up to their portential is a great feeling imo.
Have 1 go to college and drop out after 2 months “because they are in love etc etc” and they work in retail 7 years later with a new “Im in love person”…now that is just aggravating and disappointing.
@Lindagaf , I’ve been following your journey and I’m so sorry to hear that the transition has been rough. As a parent of a D18, I appreciate your honesty about your D’s experience.
In January, when she realizes she thinks she’s “going back home” when…she goes back to college, things will be easier. Adapting to college is difficult. Cheers to you and to her!
Our youngest, a freshman, says she is not happy at her school despite getting along well with her roommate, having a friend group there, doing well academically, and having joined some clubs.
She left a boy behind here at home. H & I think it’s the driving force behind her unhappiness, even though she denies the relationship is a major contributing factor.
We’ve made some recommendations. Go to the counseling center. Use your insurance and see someone in town if you don’t want to go to the counseling center. No, no, no, like the toddler days.
I had hoped she would share fun stories about school and we could feel so happy for her and get on with some school pride, but we are getting smart ass comments and complaints. Noises about transferring. Noises about graduating early, if possible. It’s the first semester!
It’s a transition for us parents as well. Although H & I were both on our own at a young age, and we understand that our children need the space and time to figure things out, make their mistakes, correct course, etc., it’s very hard to watch them struggle. It’s hard to not let it make or ruin your day, too.
Everyone going through a rough time, hang in there!
@Midwest67 I completely agree that it’s hard to not let it ruin your day. My D is not unhappy but not happy either. She has made some friends but one from here, one from there, so she’s struggling with not having a group. And she doesn’t like to drink or party so weekends are harder than weekdays.
I have to actively force myself from not letting it consume me. I have 2 high schoolers still at home and I want to enjoy my last years with them, but I’m struggling with anxiety over my oldest.
My D also had much difficulty her freshman year and it didn’t start looking better until spring break in March. She was looking forward to going back for sophomore year and is having a much better year, finally has made some good friends and seems very happy. It was tough on her but she didn’t have many options either. If she left her school, she would have had to attend the state flagship (not that that is a bad thing but she really, really didn’t want to) for financial reasons. She even ended up staying the summer to do research. Keep your chins up, I think most if not all will come around on their own.
I think that the best advice I got was from a dean at at my firstborn college. He said (in a speech to parents) - remember, they will be dumping on you. You will get those teary phone calls, saying how bad they are feeling, how unhappy they are, how they hate their roommate. It spreads like a cold, the moment they will hang up the phone they will feel better, they will go and do something cheerful, and you will be stuck at home with anxiety and worries.
It does not mean that I do not worry when my kids are down, but I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. Usually when I follow up with a cheerful call the next day, they almost don’t remember why they felt so down the previous day. And I am not trying to play down real anxiety and depression, be on alert , but most kids recover from their blues pretty fast ( one of my kid’s first meltdown was because of the price of college textbooks, I was like "hello, what planet are you from? " )
Even when your kid seems perfectly happy with their college and its associated social life, there are moments when they say something that makes you stop and think that it isn’t all easy. Our sophomore daughter and I text for a while twice a day. It takes some logistics because we live on opposite sides of the planet. Lastnight she was saying she would be late for our next chat because she had to play in a concert during our usual time when it is her afternoon and our morning. I tried to say it was not a problem if we didn’t chat, and she said, “no Mom, I want to even if I’m late, it helps with the homesickness.” Once again, I was dumbstuck, because I just assumed she was not homesick anymore after almost a year and a half. Most of the time she seems over the moon about college, but these kind of comments make me see that separating and individuating is a process, and it is hard.
@mackinaw just curious if your S spent his 1st year abroad? My D17 is considering doing that and it’s making me nervous! (having to adjust to living on your own AND being that far from home, idk)!
@uskoolfish I like this line from the article “Unlike friends, moms are more open to venting, bragging, and utterly boring calls, too.” That makes me laugh as my mom always wants the mundane details of my day, even now!
@Queen’s Mom Oh, that sounded tough about the panic attacks and all, how is she doing now?
@Lindagaf lots of hugs to you - I can really empathize, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to keep the positive flow moving forward; hopefully things will get much better with time.
I wonder if having the kids go away during part of their summers during high school can help at all with the homesickness once they get to college. Our S19 has only been away briefly for one week camps for XC, but we’re considering a longer trip for him this summer - either a sports camp or a hiking camp. Maybe having multiple experiences away from home will make going away for college more manageable. Anyone have that experience?
@homerdog, that is our strategy with D18, who wants to go to a faraway university. She is applying for NSLI-Y, which would place her in a Russian-speaking country for eight weeks next summer, right before college app season. We all think those eight weeks away would be a good test run.
My daughter went away for two weeks and three weeks over two summers. She loved it. Homesickness has played a part, but is not the main issue for her. However, I do think her time away over those two summers helped.
I think that kids who have gone to traditional sleep-away summer camps (4-8 weeks) for several summers, have an easier time with the initial ‘meet new people’ phase. They are used to living in situations with virtual strangers and having to forge bonds and connections in a short span of time. And also more accustomed to the little daily living things ie; hanging out with others in their rooms at days end, communal eating, communal bathrooms, navigating social situations with those you don’t really know.