@Creekland I hate when I first meet someone, and I’m asked so “what do you do?” It’s so rude. Sometimes we are asked because that person feels we don’t belong. It bugs me to no end.
I know how you feel. I don’t like that question either. But I think it often just a clumsy attempt to make converstation. There are those, like me, who really feel stymied by small talk. People who are good at it really have no idea how akward and uncomfortable silences can feel to those who are not gifted that way. I try to avoid the “what do you do” question, but I have empathy for those who fall back on it out of conversational clumsiness.
I don’t mind when people ask me what I do. I think that asking someone their profession is a way to find out what it is that they are passionate about. I’m sure not all people associate their passion with their career, and I’m sure that some people are asking in order to get a feel for one’s SES. But I think that MOST people are just making conversation, much as college kids do when they ask other kids what their major is.
I come across the question the most in simple getting to know you events at church or elsewhere. I’ve never seen it used really as a judgment issue up front, though I think the gentleman was/is correct that humans default to it. We’re sort of trained that rocket scientist or doctor should be at the top of our mythical ladder with ditch digger or maybe garbage collector at the bottom. Anyone getting financial assistance has probably missed the ladder.
In reality, there are so many variables and personalities involved that our general assumptions of good at the top of the ladder and bad at the bottom or off of it is not really a terrific base to judge from. There are good human beings/friends at all levels - bad too.
As we muse about income, a few years back I had a really intelligent 8th grader in a way too low for him math class. I asked other adults why he was there and was told he puts in no effort (I could see that) and is absent too much. He already had an ankle tracking device. Being who I am I flat out asked him (privately, of course) why he decided to deal drugs when he had so much potential to do whatever he wanted via schooling. He candidly told me, “What other job can I do that will get me so much money? Do you think going to college or working for $x dollars an hour is worth it? I don’t.” I then asked about jail - wasn’t he worried about that? “It’s a job hazard,” he said. “It’s no different than the military man who has to leave his family to go overseas for a while. It happens. It’s no big deal. The money is still worth it.”
So… there’s another lad who bought into the idea that money is everything. He learned it from his dad. Had this young lad been born into a different family I really think he’d have made something of himself outside the drug world. Maybe not, who knows? But in his case, daddy started teaching and using him young. He never really had a chance - even with good brain capability. By 9th grade the lad was no longer in our school. I’ve no idea where he is now. Jail is a very good possibility. He’d be an adult at this point. I haven’t taught 8th grade in many years.
This is the first time I hear that asking “what do you do” is rude. I understand the sentiment but how do you even make small talk without knowing anything about the other person? Asking about family can be very insensitive I guess.
A fraternity brother of mine retired after working six years. He just happened to get a job at a company with generous stock options that succeeded, and he was there for the best 6 years. He graduated with under a 2.5 in comp sci.
As first generation Americans who “made it” based on “general standards”, we are constantly grateful for the fortunes we were endowed: good and free education from home country, good and “paid!” post-graduate education from America, good economy that led to nice-paying jobs and friendly immigration policies that are easier to get working visas (it is a lot harder now!) then green cards then US citizenships, didn’t lose jobs but career-blossomed post the Great Recession, and most important of all, being healthy all these years. Yes we work hard, but we were very lucky!
Acknowledging the luck factor, as Warren Buffet or @Creekland @marvin100 like to call the “ovarian/birth lottery”, is not to diminish the importantance of hard work, but to appreciate that there are many factors in life that are out of people’s controls.
^^^ He finished school, in a sought after major, applied for and received a job offer, took the job and showed up for 6 years in a row. I don’t call that luck, I call it ‘adulting’.
Instead of “What do you do?” One can ask, “How do you like to spend your time?” You might hear about a job but you might hear about skeet shooting or madrigal singing or model trains or Star Wars.
But every single one of my fraternity brothers did that. The rest of us are still working.
Never knew that “what do you do” could be offensive. Or even needs to be career related. “I enjoy pottery… or flea markets… or cooking…” Live and learn. I’ll reword it next time I need to make small talk.
Most people who do that do not make enough money to retire in the capitalist class after working only six years. Certainly, he did his part by finishing school and getting a job and keeping it, but hitting the stock option jackpot was lucky.
I don’t get insulted when people ask, but then again, I’m quite content and don’t tend to worry about what others think of my choices. I suppose those who judge might really have things to talk about when we reach the ability to do our mid life crisis and end up on a sailboat or condo by a beach for 4-6 months of the year. They’ll either assume we’re rich or lazy - or both.
I suppose compared to workaholics we are lazy and by the world’s standards we’re rich (just not top 10% US), so they’ll be right. At least H will still be working though as his job is portable… and I’ll be doing something - just not sure what. I can’t be a couch potato. My brain and body would both revolt. Whether I get paid for it or not is the question. I can get as much satisfaction out of volunteering for something I enjoy as long as what H earns pays for our needs. He’s ok with that too.
Let me clarify, “what do you do”, is innocuous most times. Unfortunately many times, for POC, it’s a determinant of “well how did you get here, or how could you afford that car, or house etc. We are asked right out the gate, before anything else is asked. Most times I know can tell if it’s friendly banter or someone is just dying to know our professions just to confirm their curiosity on how we can “fill in the blank”.
I’ll add another anecdote; I know a guy whose family were immigrant sheep herders who owned thousands of acres of grazing land. He wasnt involved in the family business but the business provided him enough income to “get by”, which seemed to be good enough for him. He would go through periods of employment or unemployment but always had enough money to hang out at the bars and dabble in the penny stock market.
Over time one of the family grazing parcels became fabulously valuable, was sold, and all of the family members became one per centers, wealthwise.
He didn’t make any of this happen; he was a passive beneficiary.
I’ve known a number of people who inherited very substantial wealth that “just fell upon them.” Some used it to build even more wealth. Others, freed of the kinds of mundane economic pressures that most of us face, chose relatively low-paying public service careers as clergy, teachers, community organizers, “cause” activists, or what have you, finding more satisfaction in that type of work than in the pursuit of even greater wealth. I’m sure some who inherit great wealth spend lavishly, or even deplete their fortunes in extreme cases, but I’ve never traveled in those circles. IMO there’s enough inherited wealth in this country—more in some parts than in others—that not everyone who has great wealth worked for it, and not every wealthy person who works hard does so in pursuit of an even larger fortune. It takes all kinds.
“This is the first time I hear that asking “what do you do” is rude. I understand the sentiment but how do you even make small talk without knowing anything about the other person?”
Rude might be too harsh a word but definitely limiting and not preferred, IMO. Many folks really define themselves by their jobs which I find unfortunate
Things you can ask:
How long have you lived in the area?
Seen any good movies/read any good books lately?
What did you think about (insert current topic of interest here)?
How do you know (however is hosting the event)?
What do you enjoy doing besides your work/raising kids, etc?
Have you tried (whatever new hot restaurant is in town or whatever)?
Plenty to ask. If they have kids, people enjoy talking about them.
As a couple who stopped working at a relatively young age, I can tell you that it definitely makes many people uncomfortable. I can almost hear the wheels churning in their heads trying to figure it all out. My kids have gotten grilled about it as well by nosy adults. It’s odd how people judge each other on perceived wealth/job titles and such.
^^Just tell the kids to say that are in Witness Protection! 
Or just a sotto voce, “I’d tell you if it wouldn’t put you at risk…” and a raised eyebrow.