Asking ‘what do you do’ is considered ‘poor form’ in my area too. There’s a fairly large proportion of SAHMs, who tend to not even discuss with friends what their husbands do for work.
I might ask someone what line of business they are in, if it seems appropriate. I don’t think I would randomly ask that, but if they say something work related, I might ask. Maybe this is sexist, but if appropriate, I might ask a woman if she works outside of the home. Perhaps I should ask men in the same fashion. I don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable.
To my mind getting offended by the “What do you do” question is a mark of insecurity with one’s choices. I’m primarily a SAHM and have many friends who are as well. I’m not sure why anyone wouldn’t answer that question directly. “I’m primarily a SAHM. Lately I’ve been taking a really great pottery class. (or reading an interesting book, or looking for work in X field, or volunteering at my kids’ school, or thinking about what I want to do when the kids go to college…)”
I honestly have never used the question to figure out where someone stands on the social ladder. “What do you do?” (as opposed to “What do you do for a living?”) is so open ended. It’s a way to get people to talk about themselves. Sometimes the answers are really fascinating and unexpected.
I did learn long ago to ask “Where did you go to school?” instead of “Where did you go to college?”.
I appreciate @doschicos’s list in #737 but those could just as easily be twisted to be seen as the basis for judgement.
How long have you lived in the area? (Do you really belong here?)
Seen any good movies/read any good books lately? (What’s your intellectual level?)
What did you think about (insert current topic of interest here)? (Are you well informed, or can I catch you unaware of world events?)
How do you know (however is hosting the event)? (Are you old friends from Princeton or are you the former babysitter?)
I try to see questions from people at face value and assume they’re actually interested in the answer to whatever question they’ve asked and not mining for social connections or looking for one-upmanship.
@Sue22 I clearly stated why it sometimes considered inconsiderate, yet you posture that it’s due to insecurity? We are in no way insecure about our professions. Again it’s a pet peeve with a lot of persons of color, as I stated.
Only 1 time, and very recently, did I find the “What do you do” a bit offensive. My husband teaches in a very wealthy district. We were invited to an 8th grade graduation party for a boy he had been tutoring since 6th grade. A wonderful family and great kids! Party was at a country club that costs about hubby’s annual salary to join. We were seated with other parents who lived in the town my husband teaches. The man to my left asked me, almost immediately, what I did. I told him and we chatted a bit. Then I asked him - he flat out ignored the question and turned to his wife and started a new discussion.
I, of course, googled him right after the party and found out he’s the CEO of a major Fortune 100 company. Only at that point did I get the feeling I was asked as a bit of a litmus test.
@partyof5 It’s definitely different for minorities (anywhere on earth). Human-brain wise we (humans) tend categorize minorities separately by any stereotype we hold (good or bad) usually due to lack of knowing enough to realize all humans have a range of people within the group. It definitely happens. I recall long ago seeing a study done where they had a gentleman in a suit with a fancy car getting gas and if that dude was white the majority in the studies assumed he was a doctor, lawyer, or businessman. If he was black they assumed he was a drug dealer. It still shows up with my lad in med school when many patients look at him (2nd year of med school) as “the” doctor even if there’s a “real” doctor in the room if that person happens to be of color or female. It’s worse when those with him are “merely” other med students.
I think @Sue22 was talking about the majority population - could be wrong - but if that’s so, her idea could have some validity, esp if folks personally feel they aren’t “as good” as their “peers” due to their job or income or whatever. It just wasn’t worded to include that.
I know I - and my peers teaching at school - do our best to try to combat stereotypes of ability at a young age. Humans are humans. There’s a range among all genders, races, and nationalities. Hopefully we’re making a dent. I used to think the world was starting to truly understand. Now I look at various things happening (world-wide) and start to wonder. It doubles my effort to teach reality.
@Creekland Thank you! You get what I’m saying. Yes we get annoyed when people assume, we got a nice car from ill gotten money, or we couldn’t possibly afford our house, etc.
@partyof5 It annoys me when I see it too, but you get a whole different dimension having to live it. I wish it were different. I’ll continue to do my best to open the minds of the next generation.
@Creekland wish we had a “love” button on here!
just read this whole thread. I’m not a 1% nor near it. My sister is. And to answer the original OP, she does feel rich actually.
but here are some reasons why she feels rich: she’s single and has no kids. She has worked HARD, and had some luck involved with where she worked. (I visited her office once, and her co-workers all had dogs in their offices because they had really really long hours and didnt go home much) She owns in a few HCOL areas, but she doesnt need much space. She travels where ever she wants, when ever. She’s kind to her extended family.
So, my guess why she’s a 1%'er and feels rich, where as others don’t, is because of: Kids. She’s never once complained about money. But if I were to throw my 4 kids on her, I’m guessing things would be harder because so much of our lives goes to supporting our kids in all areas. Kids are money suckers. they are not cheaper by the dozen. But, they are a blessing. (Her life has many many blessings in it too; just different ones.) Just saying, kids are expensive, and i can sort of understand the feelings of those 1%er’s in HCOL areas not feeling rich.
Hopefully, this is changing somewhat. A few years ago I was in the supermarket with my daughter who was about 4 at the time. We passed through the pancake isle and she saw a box of Aunt Jamima. She looked at the box and exclaimed, “That woman looks like a doctor!”
Judging by the babysitter incident yesterday, we have a ways to go! D21’s best friend is black, adopted by a wealthy white couple. Her mom has lost count of how many people are taken aback when they meet her husband, a mid-50’s white guy. “Oh, I just assumed her father played for the Jets or Giants!”. Seriously???
When my friends and I were asked what we did we didn’t say SAHM because the people were usually asking about our careers. We didn’t want to be lumped together as if we were the same. At that time, at least in our area, there were men who insisted on trying to pigeonhole us. The phrase “stay at home mom” usually had a “just” in front of it. Of course, this was in an era when we were told, to our faces, that our male coworkers earned more than we did because they had (or were likely to) have families to support and we were just going to get pregnant and quit.
My uncle who is self-made really has enjoyed retiring to an “nice” retirement resort. The best thing he says is no one ever asks you what you did – its all about today and playing pickleball etc.
@partyof5 It’s unfortunate that the question of what do you do brings up that feeling for you. When I was young and had a pretty senior job in a major corporation, I often got surprised (ok) shocked looks when I turned up for meeting. Sometimes it was downright awkward but then I got older and I realized that some people are just not that apt. They can say things they shouldn’t act in inappropriate ways and even think that asking intrusive questions are fine. They are not. I recently taught my spouse how to avoid answering intrusive questions. This was particular pertinent as we sold our business and people wanted to know the numbers. Can you imagine? Yep. They asked it all. Well I said there is something we are going to learn and that is the value of silence in response to an intrusive question we don’t want to answer.
I don’t think they are asking because you are a person of color so much as they are asking because they have always asked intrusive questions. Or maybe they have seen few people of color be so wildly successful and want to know the secret.
Many people have asked me how my spouse built a business and how did it get sold. They are curious, some because they want to know our business, but others because they want to know the magic formula so they/their kids can learn from it. If it’s coming from a place of prejudice that isn’t right and should infuriate you. But I’d bet it’s often just coming from people who are socially a little bit slow. They want to know what you/your spouse did to become financially successful. I can tell you, we are not a minority. Each and every person who comes to work on our house wants to know what we do. Why? Because they want to know why we are working from home and still appear to be living well.
“I don’t think they are asking because you are a person of color so much as they are asking because they have always asked intrusive questions. Or maybe they have seen few people of color be so wildly successful and want to know the secret.”
“If it’s coming from a place of prejudice that isn’t right and should infuriate you.”
If they are asking because “they have seen few people of color be so wildly successful and want to know the secret”, that sounds like prejudice to me. They have a hard time wrapping their head around a successful POC.
In the hiking club I belong to, it’s very common for people to launch some chit-chat with “What do you do for a living?”, or in the case of the older members, “Are you retired and what did you do for a living before you retired?”
I appreciate the comments above that mentioned that line of questioning being intrusive or rude. I’m making a mental note to “read the room” before launching into 20 questions.
When the first thing out of someone’s mouth is to ask what I do, it creates a first impression that they’re probably going to be a bore if they can’t think of a better way to start a conversation. I’m not saying it can’t come up at some point later in the normal course of conversation, but even then, I might share what I do if/when I feel it’s relevant to the topic at hand and let them do the same if they choose. Asking someone you just met seems a bit gauche to me (meaning the act, not the person). There are so many other ways to start a conversation that don’t come across as sizing someone up based on how they make a living.
**DISCLAIMER: The views expressed herein by the author of this post are general in nature based on his own personal experiences. He does not believe they apply to all people in all cases and admits that sometimes his initial impressions of people have been wrong, shocking as it may be. 
I think 1% feel rich when both spouses are one percenter in their own right. If combined income makes them 1% and there are few kids involved then wealth is distributed too thin to feel rich.
Well this is making me feel definately un-rich. Every toy my 7 year old sees advertised and thinks she might like for the holidays is $50-60! When did toys get so expensive? The latest we looked up are Hatchimals Hatchibabies. How can a little toy that comes out of a styrofoam egg cost so much? Everything she looks up, I end up saying — sorry, thats too expensive.