Why I don't like receiving gifts

<p>I have never asked for a receipt to return a gift. My grandmother used to buy my sisters and I clothes she would wear, instead of what a 20 something would wear. If they had the Filene’s tag, I would just take whatever it was back and get something I would use…but my grandmother never knew. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.</p>

<p>My step-daughter usually gives me ( and my daughters ) re-gifted items or else freebies that her grandmother gets from the AC casinos. It isn’t her fault, it is her mother’s way of being passive aggressive. What she gets for my husband is usually something she purchases, but would never use…like a t-shirt with teddy bears on it or statues of Rottweilers.</p>

<p>I try to get the people on my list things they would like, if not enclosed is a gift receipt.</p>

<p>A few weeks ago, I was talking about holiday gifts with a young co-worker who has a pre-schooler and is due to deliver her new son any day (I predict a Christmas baby!). She is part of an intentional community (Quaker-related, I believe) and is trying minimize the commercialism of the holidays and teach her young daughter about gift giving using the saying: “Something you want, something you need, something to eat, something to read.” I had not heard this proverb before, and though it was charming as well as a positive way to think about gifting…</p>

<p>It depends on who the gift givers are. There are some gifts that I know I can return or tell the givers to take back the gift, and there would be no hard feelings. With other gifts and givers, I say “thank you very much”, and leave it at that.</p>

<p>* I told them I liked the gift and it is nice, but I wouldn’t get much use out of it.*</p>

<p>But you already admitted you use disposable cameras several times a year-
Reusing something- is generally better than something that is disposable.</p>

<p>Your parents put thought into their gift, yet you did not put thought into your reaction when your response upon receiving the camera was not that it would enable you to take better photos and more easily share them- instead, your reaction was that, by the time you envisioned yourself finding use for the camera- it would be " last years model" and you would need the latest thing.</p>

<p>I think response really depends on the relationship.</p>

<p>When I was a child, and I would ask for a certain record album, I also knew that my parents didn’t pay much attention to my requests- so when I had found where my presents were ( which was easy), I carefully unwrapped it enough to confirm what it was- ( the wrong lp) so that when I unwrapped it, I wouldn’t look too disappointed.</p>

<p>Now however- I may not be so quick to put a happy face on. My mother doesn’t generally give me gifts, but occasionally, she will if she bought something that she changed her mind about- however, it generally doesn’t have anything to do with who I am, or what I need/want.
For instance, just a week or so ago, she told me that a group of people raising money for non profit organizations in africa- were selling crafts at a holiday bazaar at her condo/assisted living community. She bought what she told me was a " pashmina" made from cashmere and silk, and clearly wanted me to be very impressed with it.</p>

<p>When my reaction ( of mild interest) didn’t meet her expectations she became miffed, but I assured her I would find a use for it- even if it wasn’t the sort of thing I wear. ( everything I wear eventually ends up in the mud- I work outside- so a shawl isn’t the most practical thing)</p>

<p>I have still a dilemma myself connected with this gift- while I did indeed find a use for it ( as a runner on my holiday table :wink: ), I could tell immediately that it wasn’t cashmere but some sort of manmade fabric- ( it didn’t have any tags) and this was confirmed when I saw virtually indentical wraps at the Fred Meyer made from viscose for $14.00.</p>

<p>I didn’t see any need to tell her of this, however, where she lives, appears to be fairly high end & I can imagine future bazaars thinking that these old ladies are ripe for the picking.</p>

<p>in general- I think giving a gift, is giving of yourself, so to refuse it- can be interpreted as turning away.
but it is hard- some people are easy to buy for- I buy my husband books and flannel shirts and he is happy- but I am much more picky and don’t know myself what I want- so you are taking a risk if you buy anything for me.</p>

<p>I thinking planning for experiences however- is a little nicer than a check, and gives the giver a connection to the recipient.</p>

<p>Suggest to your parents perhaps a play or other event you would like to attend, either with them or with friends-then they can be sure you actually recieved as a gift, and not just paid down your car loan.
;)</p>

<p>insomniatic, you did the right thing. If you can’t even be honest with your parents, who will you be honest with? Every year, my mom asks me what I want for the holidays and every year I say the same thing: nothing. They already provide me with so much and I buy whatever I want/need when I want/need it. I don’t need a special time to do it. My mom ignores what I say and buys something for me anyway. Every year, I return it with her by my side, after giving her a million hugs and thanking her a bajilion times. (this is no exaggeration.) I think they may consider you being ungrateful because they thought it was a gift you would absolutely love and they put a lot of thought into it but it was something you didn’t really want. You may have told them that you appreciated the time and effort that they spent looking for it, but it really never reaches their noggin. :slight_smile: i have quite a bit of experience with this. my mom nags me about the things i return all the time. Sit down and talk to your parents again and just make sure that they understand your position. If they still make snide comments, accept that your parents are slightly insane (as I have ;)), have a little laugh at the absurdity, and move on.</p>

<p>and look at it this way, you might find you have more opportunities to take pictures than you think. Also, that camera will be usable for many years to come. Just because new models come out every year, doesn’t mean your older model is not worthy. I’m not a big picture taker either, but in the 2 years since I bought myself a $100 digital camera, I have taken more pictures of stuff than I ever thought I would (including pictures of my possessions for insurance purposes)</p>

<p>Telling someone that you didn’t like their gift hurts their feelings, but sometimes it’s a good idea, especially if the two people often exchange gifts and the giver might make the same mistake over and over.</p>

<p>My father liked to receive clothing as a birthday or Christmas gift, and I often bought him items of clothing, such as a shirt, sweater, jacket, or gloves. One year, when I bought him a sweater, he told me that he would not be likely to wear it much because he habitually kept his reading glasses in the breast pocket of his shirt or sweater, and this sweater did not have a breast pocket. My feelings were hurt at the time, but later on, I was glad to have the information. I probably gave him shirts or sweaters a dozen more times in his life, and every one had a breast pocket.</p>

<p>On the other hand, if the problem is an isolated thing, maybe it’s better to let it go. My sister and I both like to read, and we often give each other books as holiday gifts. We try to choose newly published books so that there is little chance that the other person has already read them, but there have been a couple of occasions when she has chosen a book for me that I have already read. I suspect that I have done the same thing to her. Neither of us has ever mentioned it. What good would it do?</p>

<p>insomnia - I do understand your situation. As a giftgiver, I usually give gift receipts and tell the recipient that they are welcome to take back the gift and choose something else if it doesn’t work. For example, I love picking out books but I do worry that the person may have already read the book -so the gift receipt works - and they don’t even need to tell me. I just can’t STAND the thought of a wasted gift, especially since money is tight. I’m OK with a hit or miss record - no hard feelings.
Now, your parents are obviously not in this category. You learned the hard way. But I do agree with some of the posters here that you could budge a bit and be more open minded about how you could use the gift. Maybe take pics at one of your family events and then give them to your parents as a gift, in a small album. Or take a few nice shots of them together. They may be trying to show you that pictures have a special place in recording memories with family and friends. - especially as you get older. Your actions will help heal the rejection they feel.<br>
BTW, I treasure my old pics with my college buddies. Thankfully, someone took them and shared them with our group. Maybe you could be that person?</p>

<p>This thread reminds me of something funny in my own family… when I was a young kid (6ish, maybe), I went shopping with my dad and bought my mom a bottle of perfume. She reacted with great joy, put some on right away, and wore it many times. It was her favorite perfume. She kept it in a prominent position on her bathroom counter, and the bathroom usually smelled of it. Naturally, I bought more of it for her on several occasions over the years.</p>

<p>A few years ago (I am over 40), she and I were discussing perfume with someone else, and I knowingly informed the third person of my mom’s favorite perfume – and how hard it was to find anymore. That’s when she told me that she hated that perfume. For all those years, she had been very careful to use it enough so I’d know she was using it, spray it around her bathroom when I’d be in there, and make sure it was in a “place of honor.” She could have just dumped it in the toilet, I suppose, but then I would have bought it more frequently. She hated that perfume, but she loved me and she loved the fact that I wanted to make her happy.</p>

<p>Another story I’m reminded of… On receiving a gift, our minister would often say, “Oh, thank you, my favorite!” I thought her favorite cake was pineapple upside-down cake; a friend thought it was chocolate. She had many favorite flowers, and probably half a dozen favorite colors. It didn’t really matter what the gift was… her “favorite” was any gift given from the heart in earnest.</p>

<p>One of the dearest gifts I ever received was a small framed photograph, of/from a very dear relative when I was a child. At the time, I puzzled over it, set it aside, and went on to the toys and books. A few years later, the gift giver died of cancer. She knew what would become dear to me in time.</p>

<p>Try the camera, insomniatic. Photography is a wonderful, addictive pastime that engages your technical and creative sides at once and gives you something to share with others. You may find you really enjoy it. :)</p>

<p>what geek_mom said.</p>

<p>There is wisdom there, insomniatic.</p>