Why is my sister always like this? She is never happy?

Pre-College Topics High School Life
1

<p>My sister and I are completely different people. I’m a guy and I’m a junior in high school. I have a 4.0, take the hardest classes possible at my school, hang out with friends a lot, run cross country, am an Eagle Scout, and do a lot more. I’m always busy doing something.</p>

<p>My sister is a freshman. Her grades aren’t so great. She struggles in Algebra II and French. She sits in her room and reads books or sits at the computer all day. She doesn’t have any friends. I always offer to help her out with schoolwork but she always tells me to leave her alone. I even offer her to come hang out with me and my friends, and most guys would never want their siblings to tag along.</p>

<p>She never seems happy and I talked to her today about how she’s never happy and how I can help her out with her grades. She just told me to leave. </p>

<p>Earlier this year I found out that she had cut herself and it saddened me. I didn’t tell anyone (my parents would freak and she’d hate me for it). I don’t know why. She wouldn’t tell me and if I ask her she’ll tell me to stop being nosey.</p>

<p>I think there are two reasons as to why she is so sad all the time, struggles with school, etc.</p>

<p>1) A few years ago, when I was in middle school, I was a real d-bag. I always bragged about my grades and other accomplishments to her. I always put her down and made myself feel better than her. I made fun of her looks when we were younger. I was very immature back then. Now, I regret it sooooo much. I’m not an immature a-hole anymore and I try to help her out, but it doesn’t work. I want to apologize to her about being a dick when we were younger.</p>

<p>2) My parents always talk to me about school and my future and always offer to help me out. My dad lectures me all the time about how important my education is and stuff like that. It’s sometimes annoying. But I’m thankful that he cares that much about me. However, my dad RARELY talks to my sister. I don’t know if it’s because she’s always quiet or what. They just don’t get along. My mom talks to my sister, but she never encourages her.</p>

<p>Sorry if this is so long. I just don’t know what to do. I want her to be more outgoing. I want her to be successful in school. She told me not to blame her for naturally being quiet or not being naturally smart. </p>

<p>I don’t know if this is just a “girl thing” or what. </p>

<p>I honestly don’t see her being happy in the future. I want her to be happy. She’s only happy when she plays with our 5-year-old brother. The rest of the time, she’s sad, angry, or just has no emotion. </p>

<p>How can I help my sister out?</p>

2

<p>Hi, I have a somewhat similar situation. I’m an older sister (a senior in high school) to a brother whose a freshman in highschool. Your depiction of your sister reminds me a lot of my brother, or at least how he used to be. He used to be extremely introverted, spent all his time playing on the computer or video games, and had no friends. He got mad very very easily; whenever I would talk to him he would act annoyed and get mad. Always was sullen/depressed. He did poorly in school (Ds, Cs, Bs, As in gym) while I was a straight A student who volunteered on the weekends, hung out with friends, won awards, etc. I have another brother too (currently a sophomore) and he reminds me of how you describe yourself. He is literally perfect, haha. He has tons of friends, does well in school, is the superstar of all the sports teams, etc. Brother #2 and Brother #1 used to fight all the time (still do, but not as much). Brother #2 would tease and pick on Brother #1 and probably acted just like you used to with your sister. Its been very very difficult for Brother #1, the youngest, to grow up in the shadows of me and Brother #2; its probably like this for your sister. Its a self-confidence thing. Things have been getting better for Brother #2; this has sooo much to do with him making friends in school. Once he began to make friends and have people to hang out with on the weekends, he started to cheer up more and be more talkative and spend less time alone in his room playing games. He also joined the track team. This was important because this was something I had never done and Brother #2 had never done: it was a chance for him to forge his own path, get out of our shadows, and do something without worrying about living up to me or Brother #2. He’s been incredible at track and this has given him confidence, motivation, etc. Progress reports are in for this marking period, and he has the best grades he has ever had, mostly As with a few Bs (yeah i know most people on this site would be like “omgg11! thats not good!! he’ll never get into college! with B’s!!!” but this is suuuch an improvement for him!)
So I know you want to help your sister, just like I used to want to help Brother #1, and make him more outgoing and get better grades and have friends. But he didn’t change by having me hovering over him saying Make Friends! Study Harder! Be Outgoing! He had to change on his own. He still is an introverted kid, thats just his personality. But he is HAPPY now. He was never happy before. My advice for you would be to let your sister lead her own life, don’t keep offering to help her. Let her get out of your shadow because she needs confidence in herself before she makes friends. Talk to her when shes willing and open, but dont talk to her like your talking to your little-sister-who-was-never-as-good-as-you. Talk to her as a person, ask her about the things she likes/is good at (ex: what’s that book about? how do you play that game? This were things that could get Brother #1 talking for hours haha!) But don’t push her if shes just not in the “mood” to be talkative to her. It might be good for your parents (or maybe you) to encourage her to try some new activity–something you’ve never done (so no Girl Scouts or cross-country) so she has the chance to do something on her own. It’s so hard to grow up in the footprints of a successful older sibling.
Sorry if this is long, but hopefully it helps you out, at least a little! Your sister truly reminds me soo much of my brother!!!</p>

3

<p>“Earlier this year I found out that she had cut herself and it saddened me. I didn’t tell anyone (my parents would freak and she’d hate me for it). I don’t know why. She wouldn’t tell me and if I ask her she’ll tell me to stop being nosey.”</p>

<p>HOW IRRESPONSIBLE ARE YOU?</p>

<p>She needs help. Now. Get her to a therapist; clearly she has deeper issues, probably depression etc. She’ll be very mad at you in the short term but in the long term she’ll thank you. Just make sure to be supportive through the whole process; it will be tough going and there is a lot of stigma against depression and going to see therapists etc. but often there is an issue of chemical balance and not willpower, i.e, it might not be her fault. Once she deals with some deeper issues try to do what you were doing and get her to be more outgoing.</p>

<p>Also

  1. Apologize to your sister for being a dick in middle school. Just man up and say it.
  2. Tell your parents what you think about how they treat your sister. Again, man up and ask why, and tell them they’re not being fair to her.</p>

<p>You sound like an awesome brother though. Keep it up.</p>

4

<p>I agree! She desperately needs some therapy and you will be doing the best for her by mentioning it to your parents or maybe even her guidance counselor. Please don’t wait! If she committed suicide you would feel terrible. You are a great brother. She probably has depression and just needs some meds and some therapy. Good luck!</p>

5

<p>I think cutting oneself (in high school) is mainly a phase, unless it is a symptom of depression in which case it should be addressed. Maybe push her into an activity that will allow her to be with people that way she isn’t alone all the time.</p>

6

<p>You really need to tell someone that she cuts herself. It will help her in the long run and she will eventually thank you for it. </p>

<p>Sent from my iPhone using CC</p>

7

<p>Most definitely not a phase. Your sister’s cutting behavior (and the unhappiness that it expresses) may persist and get worse without help. You have a great opportunity to help her by telling your parents.</p>

8

<p>I would stand against telling the parents or counsellors. As someone who has been there for people in this state many a time, a feeling of judgement and disappointment that adults often give will only further alienate her. be there for her, be friendly, treat her as a person and not a patient (sounds funny, but it drastically changes how open she will be). The important thing is an accepting environment and a sense of trust. Hold that above all.</p>

<p>Also, linking cutting with depression is a bit of a step, sort of like linking sneezing with a specific bacterial nasal infection. Yes, it could be depression, but cutting manifests itself due to a variety of things Which may or may not require “some Meds and some therapy”. These vary vastly, from BPD (no Meds intensive dialectal behaviour therapy) to manic depressive disorder (all Meds less-no therapy). </p>

<p>Truth is, have her talk to a doctor. Parents may just exacerbate this. Even just a family practitioner can get a you a better footing in the right direction.</p>

9

<p>This is interesting because the relationship between you and your sister is like that of my brother and myself. When he found out I used to cut he was also confused and saddened. Frankly I would have been upset if he had told anyone because I was able to climb out of it on my own. Use your best judgement, though. </p>

<p>The best advice I can think of is to do your best to become a part of your sister’s life. Show an interest in the things she loves. Let her know that you’re thinking about her. Little gestures count. It’ll come off as terribly annoying to her now, but in the end she will appreciate it.</p>

10

<p>You’ve done all you can. Get her to a psychiatrist- the cutting isn’t going to go away.</p>

<p>Keep up the good work, it sounds like you’re a great sibling. :)</p>