The article says, “But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy”
Condensed to mean, we marry to feel like we did when we were young? To recreate our family circumstances because of familiarity? Trust me, I am glad that I didn’t marry into crazy, fighting and rage, passive aggressive nonsense that I remember growing up with. I like peace and pleasantness, no anger. I want another 28 years like the last, and hopefully a lot more.
From the article, here is what range true to me:
“The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.”
Look for that good person, who has a generosity of spirit, someone who is kind. Even when you have differences and tiffs, that is a lot to fall back on.
Well H and I have been pretty happy together and just celebrated our 30th anniversary. There’s a lot to be said for knowing how to work through differences together. That’s invaluable in a strong, evolving relationship.
I’m happy to say 5 of my 6 sibs and my folks are still with their original spouses and have mostly figured out how to resolve differences constructively as well.
I saw this over the weekend, and it reminded me as to why I stopped subscribing to the NYT. It was a very well written article that was delight to read, but ultimately the conclusion was that the author really didn’t know what they were talking about. You find that alot in that paper.
@doschicos your quote from #21 is what struck me as well. My soon to be ex-H and I agreed 90% of the time, but the remaining 10% became the issue. He could not tolerate my differing opinion. And my problem is that I hate confrontation and never could articulate my points well and never felt heard. I see where I needed to grow and I’ve moved ahead very aware of my comfortable state of not speaking up and over accommodating and I am intentional in all my relationships to be better.
I think the biggest dimension to a successful relationship is going to be those who can deal with change, to understand that people do change, themselves or their partners, and to be able to handle it. One of the things that I have been reading is that couples who don’t fight, who never have, while on the surface seem to be placid and healthy, aren’t, because they are avoiding issues rather than working through them and eventually this leads to two people living in quiet desperation. Too, as time goes on issues that may not have been apparent when dating or even living together become more pronounced once married IME, and it can lead to trouble. To be honest, looking back at my wife and my history together (that now is 33 years +, marrried 28), and seeing everything we faced, from family, and from our own particular issues, I have to admit I don’t know how we got through some of those periods, I would have to say that it had to be love, a bond that instead of being brittle was a rubber band that could stretch and not break, and also maybe we both are stubborn people who don’t like to give up…and in the end it is funny, people say love is not enough, and it isn’t, but it can be the basis for everything else, the floor that holds the walls in place until they can be re-seated, so to speak:). There are times when it is tense, there are times when we are angry at each other or fate, wishing things had been different, but then at the end of the day and we are cuddling in bed, it seems to restore our bond somehow. Doesn’t mean the next day, week, month, or year will be easy, just means that there is always something there to have:).
@rom828 Best wishes for you in this new stage in life. It’s an endless journey of self-discovery and learning. As I watch my children navigate and fall in and out of relationships, it reminds me that even the more painful parts are learning experiences. I think that is why that quote spoke to me, having to see someone I care about work on recovering from a relationship with someone who was not generous or kind when it mattered most - an ex-partner who went from loving to abusive when difficulties arose. We become vulnerable when we open our hearts and lives up to others.
It can take a while to learn how to disagree respectfully and reach consensus or agree to disagree. Most relationships will have these issues if one is in one long enough. It’s a very useful and essential skill to acquire. I feel very fortunate that both our kids seem to be pretty decent at it, MOST of the time.
I remember telling my mother that one of the good qualities of my then-boyfriend is we could argue about things, he was a good (albeit illogical) debater. For some reason, to me, that was different than the others I had dated - those would shy away from long discussions or arguments. Apparently that trait - was something that made us work out alright.
I’m now a widower who lost both his wife and his best friend. Trying to remember the happiness we both felt on our first dates so I can replicate it. I’m surprised there are so many people our age who have chosen to live alone for ten or more years.
How will I know when I’ve found the right person?
Is she a widow or a divorcee? Retiree or still working? The local girl or someone far away? Is she just like my wife or a completely different person? The questions are different than the ones I had to answer over 35 years ago.
Does any of this really matter as long as she’s a Red Sox fan?
I liked this article so much–both the writing and the message. I sent it to my son who will (likely) be proposing soon. A friend of his had already sent it to him!
I think this is really important but I think this can be difficult to separate out in the character of someone you are in love with (maybe especially if you are young.) Sometimes a person will treat their partner very well, until they don’t. I try to tell my children to pay attention to how their partner treats other people and their general generosity of spirit. I don’t know what that means for people who are not kind and generous at heart.
My husband and I celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary tomorrow. I think we’ve grown closer since our son fell ill. We had to rely on each other’s strength to get through some days! We also work together in our business, and we both enjoy that. So I know I’m really lucky. I got a “keeper!” We’ve learned that I’m organized when it comes to time and he’s organized when it comes to stuff. On the other hand, I’m messy and he’s hardly ever on time!
He honestly thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.
When he was finishing up his bachelors degree at the University of Wisconsin, his professor pulled him aside and said he should seriously consider going to graduate school in engineering. The prof gave him a list of four or five schools, including Texas. DH called all of them. When he called UT, the secretary put him right through to my dad. After talking for a little while, Dad said, “I think you should come down here! I can get you a research assistantship.” My dad is very persuasive, so that’s what DH decided to do.
I had already started grad school the semester before. DH showed up in two of my classes. He looked so young - I really thought he was younger than me. I was 22. I felt kind of sorry for him (he wore outdated western shirts and thick glasses), so I offered to take him on a tour of Austin. Then he told me he was 30!! I didn’t believe him and made him show me his driver’s license. The day we decided to tour Austin, it was snowing lightly and the roads were icy. But he didn’t care, and we drove around on deserted streets. Even the Texas Capitol building was empty - just beautiful in the snow.
Around then, Dad had a party for his graduate students. Later, Mom told me he was hoping DH and I would meet. Dad was a little late! DH and I were inseparable from the time we met. Three months later, we got engaged. We waited a year, to make sure we were compatible, then married. There were no jobs in Texas at that point, due to the collapse of oil prices, so six months later we moved to Maine and worked for the same company. And lived happily ever after (considering the circumstances, ha). Oh, and he cleaned up pretty well, once I bought him some nice shirts and he got contact lenses.
I agree that adversity and challenges with family and kids can bring a couple closed or pull them apart. I feel very fortunate that we are all closer after all we and our kids have been through with our chronic health issues.
I love the writer/pastor Tim Keller’s take on this. He says you always marry the wrong person. And this is completely true. The person you marry changes, and you change, as a result of your relationship (and as a result of life’s circumstances), so you have to find a way to love your “new” spouse every day.
I generally reserve this comment for the kinds of warmth that can be shared (sometimes unexpectedly) between women, but will say here that there are times when the CC community can act as touchstones for each other. This thread is a prime example of that.
