Ah, @intparent, don’t make me break out in song…
“I think this is really important but I think this can be difficult to separate out in the character of someone you are in love with (maybe especially if you are young.) Sometimes a person will treat their partner very well, until they don’t. I try to tell my children to pay attention to how their partner treats other people and their general generosity of spirit.”
@PNWedwonk I think you are absolutely correct with your comments quoted above. One of my kids learned the hard way and, in hindsight, should have taken more seriously how the ex treated others. Live and learn.
Yes, it has always been a major turnoff to me when I see people who do NOT treat all others kindly and respectfully. That was one of the reasons I dumped a guy I was seeing decades back–didn’t like how he treated others (tho he was good to me).
It’s very telling to me how folks treat people that they will likely never see again and are not in any position to help them. I have great respect for those who are unfailingly kind and thoughtful.
That’s one of many reasons I adore my Denver Pulmonologist–he made everyone feel respected and valued and helped make castoffs from others good members of his team. He’s a very special and person and brilliant–an amazing combo.
@MaineLonghorn congrats to you and your H. 30 years together is reason for celebration. How wonderful!
I laughed out loud when I read this one-nothing about me is normal, or is even normal-adjacent. I just got lucky and found someone who loves my particular stripe of weirdness as much as I love his, and that was 28 years ago and counting. And I don’t mean prurient weirdness; I mean outlook on life and approach to it is just kinda odd.
I think there is a big element of luck to finding someone you are not afraid to be yourself with. One thing I say to the girls often is “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”
The article didn’t resonate that much with me, but I think that’s because it’s not supposed to-everyone finds love and contentment in a different way, and that way changes over time given circumstances. Never in a million years would I say I married the wrong person, because I simply think he’s awesome. If something happened and he or I became not awesome, then that’s something that everyone deals with in their marriage-you try to fix what’s not working and you reinforce what is working until you can get back to awesomeness again.
As long as both people are trying to do that and thinking the best of their other half, I think marriages can be pretty powerful things. It does take two, though, and I have no doubt that’s a crap shoot and a half…
One of Maya Angelou’s most quoted jewels of wisdom, and for good reason.
^^Wow, now I know who to attribute that to, thank you!
30 years ago today, I met Mr. Not-Overly- Wrong-But-Wrong-And-Crazy-In-So-Many-Ways. Still living the dream/nightmare together. We are not soulmates, but we keep sacrificing, suffering, forgiving, and laughing together.
Congrats, @atomom! You both must be doing lots of things right. The laughing is definitely key. I realized after many years of being together that it became easier to laugh about the fights when it was often about the same old thing. For some things, you can either give up and accept it for what it is, or laugh about it. There’s only so many times you can have the same disagreement without laughing at it and shrugging it off as something you just have to put up with.
You can keep wishing your spouse were the perfect partner–or you can love the spouse on the couch 
Any thoughts on this related article:
@cobrat: From the article you linked, “Every relationship is a cross-cultural experience," is so very true! Years ago, even before I married, I wrote a fragment I’d hoped to turn into a poem later but never returned to, which was simply “Every man is a foreign country.”
I remember I’d been trying to figure out some disconnect between me and the guy I was seeing - someone with whom I had much in common on some levels, and yet someone I realized in a lifesaving moment of clarity was absolutely, clarion-bell nuts at the same time.
This article is like a road map to the different needs at work in my own marriage, cobrat. If I thought it would make any difference, I’d share it, but I’ve been down that road. Still, it is one more thing for my own little chest of goodies.
Again, @cobrat’s link:
“Finally, be aware that a degree of emotion management and self-monitoring can be particularly useful. We tend to approach our spouses and partners with the expectation that we can just “be ourselves,” without worrying about how we’ll be perceived or our impact on them. And yet a consequence of this approach is that we take all the interpersonal skills that we work so hard to apply as leaders and managers, and we throw them out the window as we get close to home, just when they’d be most useful.”
d a m n
^^The TL;DR version of that is: don’t fart in front of your spouse and then think he’ll think it’s sexy.