I’m starting my first year of college soon, and will be moving into a dorm. I also identify as an ftm transgender. Most of the time, I don’t pass, and my parents refuse to let me take testosterone. As a result, I look more like a preteen boy or a short butch girl. I’m still under eighteen during my first year of college, and my parents still have control over me to a certain extent.
Due to financial issues, my parents begged me to get a female roommate because they didn’t want me in a single and a male roommate was out of the question for them. I respect their decision for the financial reason, but I’m worried about my roommate not being accepting of me. I haven’t told her that I am transgender yet.
My university supports LGBTQ+. However, I’m still afraid because ignorant people do exist in everywhere in the world. Will the fact that I’m transgender spread through the dorm hall and everybody on the floor will know? I don’t want to keep presenting as female. I want to present as male, but I don’t pass most of the time.
You need to tell your roommate. The reality of the world is that some people get uncomfortable. Don’t spring it on her and expect her to be happy about it.
Give your peers credit, they will notice. Most kids don’t care, but if your roommate’s doesn’t know, that’s just plain mean, you need to tell her immediately.
Living in the dorm with you will affect her; what if people aren’t tolerant of you and take it out on her indirectly. She is affected just by association. Please don’t spring it on her and expect her to “deal” with it. That’s not fair to her to not allow her to have a say or a choice by forcing it on her.
Is there an LGBTQ+ community/organization or a counseling center on campus? They may be able to offer you more advice and support.
All I can say is please make sure you feel comfortable and safe if you do decide to reveal your gender identity to your roommate and peers.
@aunt bea I disagree that JayRun not telling his roommate is “mean”… he should make his decision according to his own feelings, and if he feels uncomfortable or afraid of telling his roommate, then telling might not be the right action. Anyways, this goes back to my first point; @JayRun I really think you should talk this over with a counselor face to face in a safe and confidential environment; as strangers on the internet, it’s difficult to offer qualified answers for your question.
I completely disagree with aunt bea (cross posted with several people). There is nothing about this that affects the roommate and the OP can tell roommate when (if ever) he’s ready. (Apologize if wrong pronouns. Just correct me.)
No one is going to take this out on the roommate. Most people aren’t probably even going to notice. Many cis women look very masculine and most people won’t probably assume the OP is trans.
Your roommate and hall mates will likely figure it out on their own since they live close to you. Whether you want it to happen that way or by being straightforward about it is up to you. You are under no obligation to come out to anyone.
I highly recommend getting involved in your lgbtq+ group on campus in order to find a support group just in case something ever does happen.
I would have sought your university housing assistance with some of these issues. It may have been better to get a single for your first year for your own comfort as well as a potential roommate as you will not have any control over their background and exposure to lgbtq folk. I just think you might want your own space while you figure out what works for you in the new environment and make you own friends, but I’m sure you will work it out. I also agree you should let your new roommate know what to expect. Maybe just to say you are female but identify and dress as male would be enough. And invite her to ask about anything further if she has any concerns. Hopefully this will not cause too much anxiety to you, and you will be able to relax once you are at school.
Except being female and rooming with a stranger who identifies as male…which might make some women uncomfortable. Nobody should have to be made uncomfortable in their own room, including OP and the roommate. Sucks that OP’s parents wouldn’t approve the single room.
How on earth does the way someone present themselves make someone else uncomfortable?
If the roommate has an issue with it, she’ll figure it out and then she can move. I fail to see how that affects the OP or why it means the OP should disclose his gender orientation.
Still absolutely in the camp that it’s not the roommate’s business and no one should feel pressured to disclose any part of their gender or sexual identity if they don’t want to.
??? Is it really so hard to understand that “I was expecting a female roommate and got a guy instead” might not be a desirable living situation for someone?
^ Like @romanigypsyeyes said, if the roommate does feel uncomfortable when or if she finds out, she can request to move. Roommate’s discomfort is solved. But in the end, this is OP’s gender identity and if he doesn’t feel ready to disclose it, then he is not obligated to.
It has nothing to do with being transgender, but the fact that a girl will be assigned a male roommate, and does have the right, probably given to her by university rules, to a roommate of the same gender.
The problem here is that the OP was forced by his parents to choose housing based on his sex at birth.
I think overall people won’t mind and many will be supportive. I have a friend in your exact situation but is now a sophomore, and he didn’t have any big dorm troubles that I heard of. His school was known to be pretty progressive though (Brown).
I would tell your roommate ASAP though, as uncomfortable as it may be. It will be better for you as well, as it gives you an opportunity to switch if she would not be accepting of you.
As a parent I wish you good luck and happiness in school. I hope your school is large enough that you make lots of accepting friends. My kids and their friends all seem to be pretty accepting and they are still in high school. There is one popular m to f girl in the school. I bet you’ll find you are not the only trans there. Personally I think you should give it a couple of days for your roommate to get to know you as a person before you drop the truth in her lap. I can’t understand why this would be a big deal. If it is go to housing and they will help you make a room change.
I hope everything works out for the best and 100 percent support you. But I think you answered your own question if you don’t pass most of the time you probably won’t starting semester. I think it is something you should bring up with your roommate also as it does effect them. Like I’m pretty sure everyone would see someone being possibly uncomfortable sharing room with someone if other gender which is what happening. Overall I think most people are going to be fine with it but I do think your roommate deserves to know and isn’t really something you should spring on them.
Yourroommate needs to be told ahead of time. Why should you get to be the only one in a position to make choices on your living together? You deserve respect but so does she.
If this was a matter of race or religion or the like it would not be such a huge issue. But being assigned a room with someone who identifies as the opposite gender is. Roommates often dress/and undress in each other’s presence; rooming with a guy could make her very uncomfortable. This isn’t prejudice against you for being transgender but just not wanting to live with ANY male. Being assigned to you is no different than being assigned to anyone born genetically and psychologically male.
As to your other question how would they not notice. You will be living with a woman in presumably a women’s dorm or dorm area. You will be presenting as male. Yes that will raise questions. NOTICING is not the same as JUDGING however. Many won’t care. Some mightbe curious. And some will be prejudiced. But you are living in a pretty accepting generation so you will most likely be accepted for who you are as a person as a whole and not just gender identity.
Sorry, but I don’t see how the gender identity of one roommate affects the other to the point where they should be told ahead of time. Gender identity is merely about what gender the OP considers themselves. So what for the roommate? Now… I’d try to get to know the roommate for a few days, then ask to sit down to chat. And tell them then. OP, I do thing your dorm mates will probably notice over time.
@intoparent, how would you feel if your daughter moved into her freshman dorm and found out that her roommate was a 6 foot tall 200 pound man? The OP’s roommate deserves to know she is moving in with a man.
If the OP was gay I would agree that it is no business of the roommate. That the OP is male is a whole different ballgame. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with my daughter rooming with a mtf transgender but a ftm would make things far more awkward.
And being upfront ahead of time is also making it less awkward for the OP.
Honestly, for most straight people, I don’t think it matter what you present yourself as. It’s what your physical body happens to be. If OP is still physically a girl, then like it or not, that is how the straight world will perceived him. So I really don’t think the roommate will have an issue with it at all. OP will probably be more bothered by being identified as female.
Did you discuss these issues with the university representatives when you submitted your housing request? Did they have other transgender housing solutions?
Yes, that is probably the bigger problem the OP faces over the rest of the time that he is in college, since the OP will need his parents’ cooperation on paying for college in the future, unless he has a full ride merit scholarship (in that case, parental control is lessened after he turns 18).