Will this Essay theme work?

College Essays
1

First off sorry CC I have been posting a lot this past week with deadlines coming up!
I am wondering if the following essay format would work, and if anyone has any suggestions. Some Background: I have been playing piano for 14 years and my integration of music and business is the focus of my apps.

First paragraph: Opens with me playing with a very good orchestra, goes on to denote the success I had at 15.

Second paragraph: At the peek of my career, my piano teacher dies of liver failure. I slowly realize that everything he stood for is using music a service and channel for communication. I have been profit and prestige driven

Third paragraph: Here is how I have used music to serve others. (Joining non-profits and performing concerts, giving free lessons, etc. etc.)

Fourth paragraph: Here is how I have grown as a leader, and how I have utilized the lessons I gained in business and in life

Some concerns: It sounds like I am bragging at the beginning, but I do this to establish credibility, and the gravity of the death of my teacher. Also Idk if going with the shock factor of death is a good idea, as I feel like that is heavily used.
Any insight is appreciated. Thank you!!

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3 Likes
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Ah perfect. Did not realize that was a thing.

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I play piano too, and this seems like a good topic! Instead of saying “I’m good at piano”, just describe your experience playing with a very good / well known orchestra. Perhaps there were challenges pieces to learn with a tight deadline.

Regarding the third paragraph, colleges usually ask you to list your activities, honors, upload resume, etc separately, so it might be duplicate information.

Don’t say cliches like “I cried so hard when my teacher died”. Again, just describe the impact, and focus on you instead of how tragic the teacher died.

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Yes thank you that makes sense. I have tried to stay away from cliches.

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