<p>My darling twins will be coming home after finishing their first semesters at college. I am so proud of them and really look forward to seeing them. They are very very social. I know that they will want to be with their HS friends much of the break. I also realize that their socializing can go on all night. They are used to being on their own now. I got it.</p>
<p>However, I wonder if I want kids in my house after midnight or if I want my kids out all night. What about our cars? I might need one of them. I am trying to avoid arguments about this stuff. I want this break to go a smooth as possible. Any ideas?</p>
<p>It’s your house but they are adults (legally). You can set any rules you want to for your home and property but you have to deal with any issues if they break those rules. You’ve known them for 18 years so you should have a good idea as to what they will do. My guess is that they’re going to sleep a lot for the first few days home. If you don’t want them using your car, don’t give them the keys or take them back.</p>
<p>There are no guests in my parents house after 10 on weekdays, 11 on weekends. My father’s car has a non-negotiable, very strict 1am curfew. I, technically, do not have a curfew but I came home at 4am over thanksgiving break and was asked not to do that again, so I will shoot for 1:30-2 next time and I suspect that will be okay if I am not driving. It’s been so long since I had somebody else around to drive me so that I was not held to the car’s curfew that I forgot where the line was that got me in trouble. >.< I also am not allowed to take the car for long periods of time if the other car is not in the driveway, my mom does not accept not having access to a car to accommodate my social life unless I am just picking someone up and bringing them back with me right away, that is her compromise. I am allowed to borrow my parents cars under these conditions. As a freshman I put up a bit of a fight, I hadn’t had a curfew in high school and it seemed odd that NOW of all times I would have one, but I realized my parents were right that it was their house and they still have the right to make whatever rules they want, and I got over it.</p>
<p>I would make your expectations clear from the beginning and be prepared to make a kind reminder or two. I also got in trouble for coming downstairs to get food at 2am, having lost considering whether or not something would get me into trouble as a habit. Whoops. Once my mom said something I was just like “oh… I knew that, didn’t I…oops…”</p>
<p>As a parent our experiences with our son during breaks the past couple years are very similar. I do take a moment to remind him of certain expectations. For the most part he’s pretty good and tries to remember that when he’s home he needs to be thoughtful of us with regard to the car, the late night comings and goings and so on. He’s been living on his own with his own vehicle and it is helpful to try to get ahead of expectations. If you are upfront and reasonable it will go pretty smoothly.</p>
<p>It is hard to re-enforce the old rules, because they have not had to follow them for a few months. So, it’s important to discuss with them what you expect. In our house, it was mostly about being courteous. That meant calling (phone is off, answering machine is on) for information purposes. My cell phone is (always) on for emergencies, god-forbid. We live in NYC, so cars are not an issue. Guests in the house-- maybe. But some of us still have to work regular hours, so, again, courtesy is the dominant factor.</p>
<p>Agree with all. Our college agers will have cars to use that dont’ affect our cars so that isn’t an issue here. We have had problems with loud guests late at night with our son so we do ask that they keep it down. Also if they are drinking (over age) they stay. No drinking here and driving home. Pick up after yourself, do your own laundry, let us know if you are joining us for dinner.
My issue is more with the daytime hours. DD will be home almost five weeks with no studying to do and no job. It’s a long time and I don’t like her sitting around watching TV, being on the computer all day every day.
Ideas for how to handle that one anyone? Suggestions for activities to get her out a bit? My work schedule is somewhat flexible but I do have to go in at least part of every day.
DS lives in an apartment and will only stay ten days. DD has no choice. Freshman and dorms are closed.</p>
<p>D1 is home for 2 months this winter break because she was studying abroad this past semester and their semester ended right before Thanksgiving. I thought she would be bored because her friends are not home yet. But she has been working on her resume and applying for summer internship. This is not too early for your freshmen to start thinking about summer jobs. It is very competitive. This is a good opportunity to contact some potential employers to see if they are planning to hire for the summer. D1 also contacted some parents to do some tutoring while she is home. She already has one scheduled for 6 hours/week, and her summer employer wants her to work 2 weeks for her. </p>
<p>As far as rules, it’s pretty much what others have posted. My H said to D1 first time she was home from college, “If you think this is a B&B, then you have checked into a wrong place.” D1 has the use of her car when she is home, but she is expected to get home around 11pm (when I go to bed) on weekdays. If she is to be late, she is expected to call, and we don’t really give her a hard time. If she has friends over, I generally like them to leave by then too. On weekends, we don’t care as much, but just to keep us informed. It is unspoken, but if she is to go out, she tries to go out after dinner, so we could see each other. On weekends, she’ll usually leave some times to do things with us. She knows I get cranky when I don’t see her. Drinking and driving, still the same rule as in high school. I don’t allow them to party at my house.</p>
<p>I think one thing to “teach” them is when they are home they should behave like guests. It means to pickup after themselves, help out around the house (do dishes, laundry), and see the hosts (parents and siblings) every once in a while.</p>
<p>While home on break, our sons have sometimes liked to go and meet me or H for lunch. it breaks up the monotony of being home without a lot to do. We sometimes combine it with a quick museum trip or a bit of shopping.</p>
<p>Our sons also like to cook–so sometimes we plan an actual menu for dinner, go grocery shopping together and cook together.</p>
<p>Once my middle son volunteered to watch my friend’s younger children when they were home from school on vacation while she had to work—but never again. Not only did she not offer him any compensation (he was ok with that, I think…he knows that her money is very tight), she complained that he ate too much food when he made the kids sandwiches after school as a snack, and had them baking cookies and brownies on the days they were home once school was out. She also complained that the kids clothes and shoes got muddy when he took them to the park to play soccer and football and climb on the apparatus instead of keeping them cooped up in front of the tv.He felt so sorry for the kids–6,8, and 9 year old boys.</p>
<p>Our son will be studying for his spring courses during the break. He typically goes over the materials for his courses before they start. He has a relatively light course load this spring (13 credits) though three of them are science/engineering. He could have applied for a job for the break but he was so tired that he probably actually needed the break. I have some professional work for him to do if he doesn’t have enough to do over the break. Applying for internships is a good idea. He has a few lined up and needs to get moving on them.</p>
<p>As far as house rules go, we have one…“Be nice to Mom and Dad.”</p>
<p>That means keeping us posted on plans. That means phone calls or texts. It means being polite, helping around the house, and generally being considerate.</p>
<p>We don’t set a curfew. We ask that they tell us when they will be home, and to let us know if and when there is a change. We do the same…we model the behavior we want to see. If there is a problem, we discuss it like adults because they have become (young) adults.</p>
<p>The first night after my daughter came home this past summer after her freshman year, she borrowed my car to meet some friends at a restaurant. It was late, she was still jet-lagged and hadn’t driven a car for months, and the restaurant was in an unfamiliar area with no street lights, so I was a little nervous. I asked her to text me when she got there. About two hours later I got a very apologetic text message from her saying that she was sorry, she had forgotten, she was not used to checking in with anyone anymore. The thing was, I wasn’t used to being checked in with either, and I completely forgot to watch for her text - after she drove away it was as if she had gone right back to college. I felt sheepish about it, but I guess both of us were making adjustments.</p>
<p>Our goal (like boysx3 above) is to try for thoughtfulness on all sides.</p>
<p>I think it’s important for all parties to recognize that while this is a huge chunk of free time for the college student, life goes on pretty much as usual (except for the actual holidays) for the rest of the family. Parents have jobs and chores; younger siblings have school and extracurricular activities. Everyone except the college student lives on a schedule. </p>
<p>Therefore, it is not unreasonable to expect that there will be no late-night guests or unusual noise on weeknights, and that people will negotiate in a civilized matter with each other about the use of cars. On the other hand, it is none of my business if people are IMing or text-messaging each other at 4 am. I’m asleep then, anyhow.</p>
<p>Everybody situation is very different. We took vacation days to be at home as much as possible, although D will not be at home much because of HS friends. No younger siblings at home either. She has her car. My rule - let me know where is she, approximate plan for coming / going.</p>
<p>Ditto what everyone here has said about the ultimate priority being thoughtfulness. While we don’t set specific times for curfews, we follow pretty much the same pattern as oldfort. We both work full time so need to be able to sleep at a decent hour.</p>
<p>DD arrived yesterday (she’s a senior) with a car full of stuff. After being home for about an hour, she slept for about the next 3 hours! But the first thing I generally say is…just a few reminders about house rules please - pick up after yourself, no loud tv or stereo after the old folks go to bed, keep us posted where you are and if you’ll be home for dinner. I’ve learned it helps alot to gently remind at the beginning.</p>
<p>The good news too is that I find the older she gets, the easier this transition becomes during visits. She’ll do things around the house that I didn’t even have to ask her to do and that’s always a nice surprise! She now even does her laundry before she comes home so she’s bringing home clean clothes instead of bushels of dirty clothes.</p>
<p>You may also want to encourage your kids to do some local volunteering if they have too much time on their hands over the holiday.</p>
<p>I had some general guidelines. Be back by midnight unless she’s working. No friends home past 9:00 P.M because the adults(us) have to get up early(5:00 A.M) and prepare to go work. I know these rules were not followed after her freshman year and it caused havroc to our lives.</p>
<p>My ds is a sophomore. I found that first winter break a little trying, and a lot disruptive. Ds isn’t a drinker, it had more to do with people stopping by–at 12:30am–or him wanting to leave really late. </p>
<p>This is what I told him when he came home for summer:</p>
<p>I recognize that you are an adult, but you are an adult who is sharing living space with other people. While I want you to be happy here, and have fun here, I can’t let that happen at the expense of the rest of us. You have 9 months of the year to socialize whenever you want, stay out as late as you want, sleep as late as you want…<br>
You should probably think of coming home as a place to relax, rest, and restore yourself. You can think of college as the place to have lots of crazy, nocturnal fun, but we live here, and this is not college. </p>
<p>I also explained that I tried really hard to be accomodating and welcoming to his friends when he was in high school–because that way I knew they were hanging out at my house, where rules are enforced.I said I wanted to facilitate a fun social life for him because he’d made such good decisions in high school. And I said, now, that is over. You can have a fun social life at college, but now it is your brother’s turn to fill the basement with his buddies, and I can’t host a bunch of 7th graders if college kids are waking me up at 3am coming and going. </p>
<p>The summer was actually very calm, because by that point most of those high school friendship had lessened in intensity. He was more bonded to his college friends, so he didn’t see the hs buddies much, and the college friends all live other places.</p>
<p>Much the same as others–just let me know by 1:30am if you are not coming home for the night. Friends welcome but if of age and drinking expected to sleep over. The cars will be an issue as there are 3 cars (and only 2 if bad weather) and 4 drivers and I will not be the one without transportation. S and D are always welcome to get up at 7am and take their dad to work:). I don’t mind fetching him at 6pm.One of the best rules I made a few years ago is that dinner will be between 6:30 and 7:00. Let me know if you are going to be here because if you are not eating with us I will most likely choose a menu that you don’t like much and if you do tell me ahead of time I try to oblige a more general palate. It has really cut down on the “when are we eating” question which made me feel pressured.</p>