This may be related to perceptions about traditional gender roles, and how both men and women are seen when a non-traditional choice is made (such as a woman not changing her surname on marriage).
Perhaps a related unquestioned tradition is that it is the norm for children to take their fathers’ surnames in cases where the parents’ surnames are different (i.e. when the wife made the non-traditional choice of not changing her surname on marriage).
I wouldn’t have even considered changing my name when I got married. We hyphenated the kids’ names. My daughter did change her name when she married (and now regrets it- is getting divorced and the married name is now her professional name and she can’t really change it back) and my son still has the hyphenated name.
I see more and more hyphenated wives and kids- more than in the mid 80s when my kids were born.
I did not change my name when I got married. Made things simpler at the divorce, for sure. My daughters took their dad’s name. At least one has said she wishes she had my last name instead.
The only reason I changed my name when I got married was so that our entire family would have the same last name (when we had kids). I don’t regret it - I do like that we all have the same last name. That said - I miss my old (real) name as my surname and wouldn’t have changed it if we were not planning on having children.
I did keep it as my middle name but middle names are so rarely used in the US.
Probably pretty common now in some places, since a larger portion of the population is Hispanic or Latino now (see http://people.cs.vt.edu/~perez/twolastnames )? However, even that naming convention favors the male line for passing surnames to descendants.
It was never a question of whether or not I would keep my name. It’s my name. It was my name for 24 years before marriage and I wasn’t changing it.
Our kids are getting mine or ours hyphenated. (I want former, Mr R wants latter)
I did have backlash from one person my age when I first got engaged. She had very, very traditional views on gender (quit working as soon as she married kind of thing). Since most of my friends are in academia, it’s more unusual when someone changes their name than when they keep it.
I’ve gotten a LOT of blowback from Mr R’s family and thus far, I’m the only female grandchild to keep my name in my family. (Mom’s side has only had males marry. Dad’s side has had 3 females + me).
I’ve been told that I didn’t take Mr R’s name because I am expecting to get divorced, that I don’t really love him, that I’m being an unreasonable feminist (that’s a weird one), etc. I’ve heard it all. I don’t know why anyone- at all- feels the need to weigh in on my name, but they do.
I always respond to criticism with “he had the option to change his last name to (my last name). Alas, he chose to keep it. I respect his decision.”
ETA: My mom regrets changing her name. She changed it when she got pregnant with me. She didn’t change it with her first marriage. She said if she got married now, she wouldn’t have changed it even though it is a very rare, often mispronounced and misspelled name.
D is getting married after graduation. She will keep the name on her diploma, Dr. X.
However any kids will likely have his name. How do hyphenates do the second generation when you have not two but four names hyphenated together: Susie Smith-Jones-Grey-White? And those are short names. You can’t go through life as Susie Bonaduce-Drinkwater-Kardashian-Finkelstein. And then the next would be eight? It just gets unrealistic.
Changed my name when I married and never regretted it. Even though I’m now divorced, it was after 25 years and I considered my last name as much my name as anybody’s. Issue now for me is I will remarry in the next year or two and I feel more obligation to change my name because it would be weird to have my ex’s name married to someone else! Champagne problems!
I’ve also thought that in today’s social media crazy world how difficult it would be to change your name if its part of your username. And email addresses!
Have a friend that never changed her name but it has always been a hassle with the kid’s last names. Both kids use dad’s last name although I THINK they were given a hyphenated name. It might make things easier if you get divorced but just causes confusion if you stick together.
@rom828 my grandma divorced my grandpa and married another man. She changed her name to his. When she divorced, she changed it back to my grandpa’s name. She was with her 2nd husband longer than my grandpa. We all think it’s weird- especially since she has virtually no relationship with any of her children (that she had with my grandpa). shrug
The problem now is that you can’t mess around with your name. You will have trouble with air travel if the name you use isn’t the name on your official documents. I’ve seen it happen. Southwest Airlines even has trouble with my son’s name- SW doesn’t seem to do hyphens, so you have to book your ticket as John Edward Wagner Jones or such.
My daughter’s married name is, unfortunately, longer and less pleasing than her original hyphenated last name.
You can follow Spanish tradition, as described at http://people.cs.vt.edu/~perez/twolastnames . Or, if you want to be gender-equal, you can modify it so that daughters get the mother’s surname as the first surname and sons get the father’s surname as the first surname. But then the kids may have to convince their spouses to continue such a tradition if they have kids.
I know, it’s a mystery. If anyone in the Spanish-speaking world, where children getting both parents’ names is the norm, ever has a grandchild, I guess we’ll find out.,
That seems to argue for not changing one’s name at all (marriage or otherwise), due to having to make sure it is changed correctly in every document or context.
My S married a woman with a hyphenated last name. She will keep hers, he will keep his and I have no idea what decision will be made when and if they have children. I did change my name when I married and kept my maiden name as my middle name, which I use for any legal documents. It’s worked for us and I don’t see it as an abandonment of my early 80’s sense of self in any way. One of my sisters kept her name, the other hyphenated hers…it all works.
I happily changed my name – no regrets. My son recently got engaged, and my future DIL has already said she is changing her name to our last name. I will add that our last name is very unique…many people think I am kidding when I say it!
Frankly, I don’t care what my future children do with their hypothetical future spouse. It’s not affecting what I do with their name.
It was common for women especially from esteemed families to use their maiden and married names in the US until recent times. Somehow, they made it work for many generations
Victoria Perez marries Julio Gomez and becomes Victoria Perez de Gomez.
They have to kids, Fernando Mario and Maria Elena. They are:
Fernando Mario Gomez Perez
Maria Elena Gomez Perez
Maria Elena Gomez Perez gets married to Felipe Acosta Lopez. She becomes Maria Elena Gomez de Acosta. There kids carry the last names of Acosta Gomez. Eventually the female surnames get lost regardless.
I like the custom but it is different than hyphenated names plus confusing to Americans who are used to the family surname being last not the second to last name.
Many of my kids’ peers have hyphenated last names. Still waiting to see what happens when 2 hyphenated names marry each other.
