Women still usually change surname on marriage -- why?

Parent Cafe
1

https://longreads.com/2019/11/01/the-name-change-dilemma/

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/28/upshot/maiden-names-on-the-rise-again.html

Seems that even these days in the US, only about 20-30% of women who marry men do not change their surnames. (Very few men who marry women change their surnames.)

Seems odd that the default choice today remains the less convenient one, either from the wife’s point of view or the husband’s expectation on the subject.

If you were a woman marrying a man, would you want to change your surname?

If you were a man marrying a woman, would you have any expectation regarding your wife changing or not changing her surname?

2

Still use my maiden name. Does seem odd that so many women still switch.

3

The same reason that ad usually show women doing the dishes and men coming home from work, the same reason that boys and men’s clothes are practical and comfortable, while girl’s and women’s clothes are designed to make them look more feminine, and comfort is secondary (pockets, anybody?).

It’s the same reason that boy’s toys are space craft, and trucks, and all sorts of thing that men do as hobbies or jobs outside the house, while girl’s toys are ovens and vacuum cleaners and baby carriages, and childcare stuff. When somebody actually makes anything like a boy’s toy for girls it is made in pink, so that everybody understands that it’s not to be taken seriously.

It’s why when a girl behaves like a boy, she’s a “tomboy”, and it’s “cute”. When a boy behaves like a girl, he’s a “sissy” and will be bullied, and he’ll be lucky if he isn’t also punished by his parents. A woman wearing a man’s clothes is OK, while a man wearing a woman’s clothes is a cross-dresser, and it’s considered pathological.

It’s the same reason that men’s Halloween costumes cover a wide range of characters and themes, while women’s are “Sexy ______”. The same reason that men think that it’s OK to send unsolicited photos of their private parts to women they barely know. It’s the same reason that women go out in groups and protect each other’s drinks at bars. It’s the same reason that it’s still an effective defense for a rapist to talk about the sexual activity of his victim, or the clothes she was wearing.

It’s the same reason that a woman in a uniform at a hospital is assumed to be a nurse, and a man is assumed to be a doctor.

It’s same reason that women are underrepresented in politics, the highest paying and most powerful jobs, etc.

It’s because we are still, at heart, a misogynistic patriarchal society which assumes that a women’s identity is determined by her husband. It is so deeply ingrained that most women buy into it as well.

4

DD is getting married 1/1/20 and is excited to change her surname - she’s going from 6 vowels to one:-)

5

I changed when I married 30+ years ago because as the kids started school it seemed easier that all family members had the same last name. No regrets and it wasn’t all that difficult. I’m not sure I’d do anything differently if I were married and had young children today.

All the weddings I’ve attended the brides have changed their names. The weddings I’ve officiated at as well.

6

I also changed my name because I wanted the kids to have the same name as both parents. I’m not sure I would have done it, though, if I hadn’t liked his last name so much more than mine. I was sick of having a name that people invariably spelled wrong.

I’ve been to several weddings where the couple has both changed their names, to a mutually selected third name that was either meaningful to them or somewhere in their family tree.

Even in couples where both keep their names, the children tend to have the dad’s last name. This bothers me, because the dad’s name becomes the family name, and then it’s only the mom who doesn’t share the family name.

7

Tradition. As simple as that. But in my circles, it runs about 50-50 these days as to whether a woman takes a husband’s surname. Neither of my SILs took their husbands’ surname and that’s a whole other generation; I took my DH’s. I’ve been to a half dozen weddings this year and half and three brides changed their names.

8

I use my own name for work, but elsewhere I use my husband’s. Like others above, I wanted the same name for the kids’ school lives. And the upgrade from the end to the middle of the alphabet was very welcome. :smile:

9

I changed my name when I got married 37 years ago, keeping my maiden name as my middle name and sign all legal documents with all three names. My DIL had a significant and public career when she married my son and did not change her name (already hyphenated from her parents!), so she and my GS have different last names. S2 is getting married in the spring and I suspect DIL2 will change her name, though I truly don’t care. One of my sisters kept her name and the other hyphenated it - so many options!

10

I used my maiden name professionally until I had my second child. In my personal life I used my married name. Once I had my second child I decided to only use my married name full time. I wanted our family to have just one name. Although legally my name is hyphenated.

If I were a young bride getting married today I’d only change my name if I liked my spouse’s name better than mine! If my dh were to pass on before me, I will change to a different name because I don’t really like his (our) last name.

11

I would say the majority of my friend circle did not change their names or the whole family uses a hyphenated last name of both.

I happily changed my name because it was constantly mispronounced and my family of origin sucked. For me, taking my husband’s name was forming my new identity.

12

My legal name is my maiden name for work purposes (bar registration) and at SSA. However, my driver’s license and passport have my married name on them. I use my married name at home so that my children have consistency. When I began at this job almost 13 years ago, I forgot to tell reception that I have another name. I got home from work the first day and D confronted me - “YOU DONT WORK THERE! I called and asked for Techmom99 (married name) and they have nobody there by that name!” My first name is reasonably common so they probably didn’t make the connection. I went and told them after that if anyone called for Techmom99 married name that it was me.

D just got engaged and she and her fiance are talking about merging their names. It’s very cute. Though she did ask us how we felt about her taking his name, to which middle son said, why doesn’t he take OUR name?

13

Forty one years ago, I chose not to change my name. My husband’s name is difficult to say and difficult to spell, and when paired with my first name it is difficult to pronounce.

Neither of my DILs has changed her name. Given all the problems with it that I just mentioned, I don’t blame them at all.

I remember it was slightly more difficult when calling the mom of one of my sons’ friends’ parents – “Hi, this is Mary Smith; I’m Johnny Jones’s mother, and Johnny would like to have a play date with George” – but I coped, and so can today’s young women.

14

I did not change my name but used husband’s last name most of the time when dealing with son’s friends and their families.

15

I loved changing my name for all the misplaced traditional reasons, I guess. It is also so much easier to say and spell, as my Dad had a foreign last name. I like that the family has the same name. I had a coworker that kept her maiden name, and it became such a hassle as her kids became older, she changed it. I think the turning point was when she had to prove she was the mother once.

16

20 years ago both my husband and I changed our last names. We wanted our future children to have the same last name as both parents, and for me, I couldn’t fathom feeding into the patriarchal structure of taking my husband’s last name. It goes against everything I stand for.

17

I took my husbands name because it’s more common. I was tired of people mispronouncing and misspelling mine. My daughter kept her name but when she had a child, she gave the baby her husbands last name. That was surprisingly hard for me. A consolation was that the baby’s middle name is our last name. I think hyphenated names make the most sense, but only if both people use it. I deal with forms a lot and between women keeping their maiden name, divorcing, women only using a hyphenated name, there are lots and lots of kids with different last names. That is confusing if you want to quickly figure out who is related to who.

18

Like many here I didn’t change my name legally and use the name I was born with at work. I use my husband’s last name at my kids school and with their friends and their families. It’s just simpler that way.

Because I knew this was likely to happen ( that I’d use whatever their last name was almost everywhere at home)and my husband wanted the kids to have his last name, we made a deal. He could choose their last name and I got to choose their first!

19

I just spent 5 minutes considering whether I somehow unconsciously believe that my identity is determined by my husband. Definitely not. Everything in me fights that idea, and I have never felt that other people define me as such either.

I took my husband’s name because I wanted our whole family to have one name, and I liked his. He would have taken mine if I wanted.

I like being the “Smiths”. We have lots of family friends and often refer to them as the McCarthys, the Guptas or the Lee’s. That works for hyphenated names too. But I understand if families want to do things differently—good for them!

DH has a close friend whose wife did not take his name and the kids have her name, too. Fine by all. When we talk about their family, we hyphenate their last names so we don’t need to use all six of their first names.

Taking my husband’s name was not misogynistic or patriarchal for me. Names don’t determine my worth, place in society, or the culture of my marriage and family.

20

Thirty years ago, I did not change my name. Twenty six years ago my sister did not change her name. Two years ago, my daughter did not change her name. Maybe it runs in families?

Our children have two middle names - one being my surname. That was very helpful when they were young and I traveled with them internationally - especially after 9/11.

My surname is difficult to pronounce for most without a similar ethnic background. But it’s a heck of a lot of fun to mess with telemarketers and the robo callers. No, you may NOT call me by my first name - you just go right ahead and use my surname when your script calls for ‘name of person’.