Won't work on essays

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My daughter is a smart and creative kid, but a real procrastinator. This has sometimes hurt her grades – She sometimes hands in assignments late or just hands in work which could be better if revised over time. One time a paper was late by a week so her grade was lowered and she got a semester grade of a B instead of an A. This little difference may have knocked her out of the top 5% of her class. (In the last ranking, she was top 6.5% - so close to top 5%!!)</p>

<p>But she has good grades overall (3.8uw, 4.2w), strong SATs, is a NMS semi-finalist and is a good kid with nice friends and interesting activities.</p>

<p>However, her procrastination means that we are struggling about the essays. I want to put limits her activities at least until she gets a draft done of the common ap essay. Her dad thinks we should leave her alone and let her deal with the deadlines and the consequences of her actions. This is causing family and marital discord.</p>

<p>What do you think? Any advice you have would be most appreciated.</p>

2

<p>Ah, the smart kid perfectionist procrastinator who gets bored to tears by anything not new and novel to her/him? I’ve got one down the hall. I have no idea how to help you, just wanted to commiserate.</p>

3

<p>Yes, she is always saying that she doesn’t want to do things that are BORING. But we all know that in life, there are many things that we JUST HAVE TO DO. As the kids say, you have to suck it up and do it.</p>

<p>But I am still left with my question and with my conflict with my husband. Thanks for the support…</p>

4

<p>Hah, I think your daughter and I would have something to talk about. I’m a student, and I, unfortunately, often have the same habit when it comes to work…especially to college essays, which I’m actually working on right now. :p</p>

<p>I want to side with the “let her do it herself” opinion, but realistically you should definitely keep a tab on her. What I’ve found conducive to working is to spend an entire day – a lazy Sunday, like I’m doing today, where your kid wakes up (read: you wake her up :p) at a decent hour and just works, with occasional breaks. That way, she won’t feel a real time-crunch, but she can also take breaks for eating or just feel that she has a huge amount of time to brainstorm and draft her essays.</p>

<p>If she’s not meeting certain deadlines, you should put a limit on her other activities. My mom did that to me, and while at the time I resented her for it, she gave me the push that, without such, I may not have submitted an app in time.</p>

<p>I’m sorry I can’t give more concrete advice, but I hope this helps somewhat.</p>

5

<p>Both my kids are chronic procrastinators that work beautifully under deadline. (Since my parents were journalists who also worked beautifully under deadline, I’m familiar with this.) When it came time to write college essays, my son pulled out an old personal essay from 8th grade and revised it (very slightly) the day the application had to be sent (he got into MIT with it); my daughter wrote a bunch of them, threw them all away, and wrote her essay moments before her application needed to be sent. For her, writing a series of small essays (remember, it’s only 500 words, which is just not that hard–it’s only 4 or 5 minutes of talking about yourself!) worked as a warmup.</p>

<p>I’d suggest a) discussing topics and forms for the essay in advance, b) getting the rest of the application done, c) tying the completion of an essay (not necessarily THE essay, but an essay) to something more immediate… as in “hey, as soon as you finish an essay we’ll go buy that pair of jeans you want.” (That was how my D wrote the five or so non-finalist essays; we went to the movies, a favorite restaurant, jeans shopping, and for a haircut. When it came time for an essay she liked enough to include, it was easy.)</p>

<p>As for the conflict with your husband, my husband also told me to back off, but I also remember clearly that he was on-the-spot to proofread and everything else when the college apps went to final assembly. Break the job down to help your daughter with the easy bits anyone can do (the list of activities, the name and address, buying envelopes and stamps, that kind of thing), talk WITH (not TO) her about the essay, and then go to sleep knowing you’ve done what you can.</p>

6

<p>When you ask if she’s done it yet and she says “no” and you ask when she’ll do it and she responds “later”, my recommendation is to respond with “okay, by what date will you have it done?”, require that she provide a date, and hold her to it. If she doesn’t meet that date, then she’s broken her agreement with you and it’s time for repercussions. This method still allows her a level of control yet allows you to respond to her broken agreement (rather than the task itself) if she fails to meet her own commitment.</p>

<p>The problem with completely letting it go is that it might never get done and could have a serious impact on her future and your wallet. This is a hefty price to pay for teenaged procrastination.</p>

7

<p>momfromme & WashDad you’ve both described my D to a tee…the smart creative perfectionist procrastinator kid who gets bored to tears by anything not new and novel to her/him?</p>

<p>momfromme…I went through this exact thing a year ago. While I wanted to let her skin her own knees (your H way), I also wasn’t prepared to try to pick up the pieces of the aftermath (your way). I threatened, cajoled, bribed, and pushed, all to no avail. Finally, calmly I asked if I could sit with her just long enough to get started. Reluctantly she gave in. My approach (once she let me get her moving forward) was to “interview” her about her interests and defining moments in her life, and to share with her that “essays” don’t have to be dull & boring. That they can be fun and filled with interesting anecdotes. For her the “traditional” essay has always been tedious and a chore. </p>

<p>My D is an artist and storyteller and has always seen life with a bit of a skewed lens. She needed “permission” to approach the essays with an “out of the box” mentality. I gave her the green flag. She ran with it. 3 hours later she had 4 distinctly different essays about her, what made her tick, what her hopes and dreams were and where and how she’d been moved in life. When her friends read them they laughed outloud and most everyone who read them said they could really hear her voice and inflections in the words. She didn’t go out in search of 50 cent words (let alone dollar words), she just wrote and had fun doing it. Adcoms from 3 different schools made comment to her that her approach was fresh, and one even said she’d like to hear more about one storyline (she was accepted into all 4 schools she applied to, including a far reach - where she is now, and thriving!). </p>

<p>Maybe (just maybe) you can help your creative and smart D see that an essay doesn’t have to be boring and dry. Think about Dave Barry & Erma Bombeck, excellent essayists who have captured all of us at one time or another. Help your D channel that creativity and use it to her advantage. </p>

<p>Oh, and somehow negotiate with the H a percentage of support you may provide to your D. You don’t want to beat your head over this but at the same time kids don’t always have the ability to “see around the corner” to know that procrastination is a four letter word. Once she’s in college she will figure it out (the procrastination thing). Mine is actively working on it and proud of it too.</p>

8

<p>Lots of students underestimate the time it takes to write anything. They think that somehow inspiration will strike and that they can write furiously the day before something is due and everything will get done in plenty of time to meet the deadline. </p>

<p>If your D has had the experience of underestimating time, it is good to remind her of it. But rather than trying to coerce, cajole, bribe, threaten her to sit down and start writing, you can suggest that you and she look over the prompts and start brainstorming for ideas. She can then try them out herself in her head (no need to put pen to paper yet). Once she’s gotten a topic that sounds promising, she can try writing it out. Sometimes, ideas that seem great in the abstract don’t look so wonderful once worked out fully on paper.</p>

9

<p>I certainly put a limit on DS’s activities - with his understanding and tacit agreement. Starting in September I told him, in no uncertain terms, that Thanksgiving holidays were for writing essays and getting the pesky applications done, and I reiterated that message every chance I got. So when he asked me, with a hopeful glimmer in his eyes, if he could go out to … to do…, he already KNEW what my answer would be. He still somehow has managed to arrange a visit with the GF today, and he is still not done with one of his essays - but he’s got 4 out of 5 apps in, so I am happy! I think some kids need extra parental pressure to get them moving on this. It is SO hard to write an essay that one knows will be used to judge one’s suitability for admittance to a certain college. Paralyzing even! Some of these kids need help getting unparalyzed! :)</p>

10

<p>My USA Today scholar niece never did anything unitl the last minute and it nearly flattened her parents. She graduated from Medical School at the top of her class with a double degree and got the residencies of her choice.</p>

<p>I whimped out. I hired a professional counselor who sat S2 in a room one time about six months ago. He generated the bare bones of three essays in that sitting and recently hit the ‘send’ button for the last of his five applications.</p>

<p>To make myself feel better, I visualize him at his safety. He’s happy there so it makes me happy.</p>

11

<p>The absolute deadline approach worked for me. I just told my kid that he basically couldn’t do anything outside of school until the essays were done. Amazing, but they got done quite quickly after that!</p>

<p>P.S. I understand the husband problem…I’m usually the deadline dictator in the family.</p>

12

<p>Great post, Justamom.</p>

<p>I would add, though, that sometimes what teens really need is for you to pull that mean parent card and impose some discipline. Bursting with creativity or not, they’ve got to have some kind of rough draft by such and such a date or they are not going to: have an internet connection anymore, have access to a working TV or videogame console, be able to find their car keys (confiscated for the weekend) and go to the movies for the upteenth time that month. Pick one or all of the above. Unless she doesn’t really want to go college and is passively resisting taking the steps you have to take to get there, which I doubt. </p>

<p>My H and I also argue about how much to push, require and basically bully our teen sons into doing what they should be doing, and how much to let them figure it out on their own and take the consequences. It’s a tough balancing act. With college app deadlines looming, though, there’s not a lot of leeway to just wait and see what happens.</p>

13

<p>“It is SO hard to write an essay that one knows will be used to judge one’s suitability for admittance to a certain college. Paralyzing even! Some of these kids need help getting unparalyzed!”</p>

<p>That’s exactly how it feels.</p>

14

<p>Ah yes, I too have a daughter who used to be like that. Someone once told me this and it works every time.</p>

<p>When there is something important to be done (and applying to college is at the top of the importance list), their life stops until it is completed (except of course going to school). That means except for eating and going to the bathroom, they work until its done. No cell phone, no TV, no iPod, no boyfriend/girlfriend, no parties, etc. </p>

<p>One of the most important things to teach kids is good time management. There is a time for work and a time for play, when the work is all finished. </p>

<p>I believe you must intervene. It could mean the difference between certain colleges or for that matter scholarships and who will pay the price for that? </p>

<p>Tough love baby…</p>

15

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<p>I would not go down that road. I feel some responsibility and sense of duty to be the annoying nudge. It’s not as if this is an application for a summer job, and so what if you end up at CVS, or even nowhere. This is 4 years, very important years of your life, can’t turn back the clock. I have had to do this with my S; no, you may not go out until there are a couple of rough drafts by xxxxxx. It is not easy to get that first copy down, and then there’s the umpteen times of finessing that follow. </p>

<p>Does your H not mind if she misses out on scholarships, which would reduce the $$$ paid by your family? Have a chat alone with him, and then alone with her, so they don’t gang up against you. Be kind, loving, patient and FIRM.</p>

16

<p>Wow, I really disagree with most of the posters here – and am on the OP’s husband’s side on this one. As a procrastinator myself, I know that the best thing for me is a clear and unequivocal, external deadline – and the worst thing is someone nagging me to do something before the clear, external deadline. By “external” I mean that if the deadline is November 30th, it is not helpful for someone to create an artificial deadline of November 20th… I’ll know that it is the 30th no matter what. All the nagging does is create more emotional resistance and makes it that much harder for me to get started. If I am feeling in any way resentful or angry, then my creative juices will never flow properly. A few years ago I got into a HUGE battle over this with an employer, and almost quit a lucrative position over this, until a partner intervened to tell the nagger to back off. </p>

<p>I think the best approach is to make sure that the REAL deadline is clearly understood, and posted prominantly (such as a huge wall calendar in the kitchen or other common area where all important deadlines are marked and highlighted) – and also direct (preferably written) communication of any contingencies and issues. For example, let the kid know that January 1st is a legal holiday when all post offices are closed; since it is a Monday this year, if something is going to be mailed, it will have to go out by Saturday, December 30th. Where I live the nearest post office closes early on Saturdays - so the deadline for something that needs to be postmarked by Jan 1 is going to be around noon on Dec. 30th. Computer systems tend to bog down when everyone is trying to submit stuff at once, so I personally would favor 24 hours advance time for an online submission… but in that case, it’s a risk the student can elect to take, or not. </p>

<p>Also, let the kid know – again preferably in writing – what your own availability will be in terms of help and support. When are you available - or not available – for proofreading? When can you drive the kid to Kinko’s for copying or to the post office, if needed? </p>

<p>The bottom line is that as long as you are nagging or iimposing rules & restricting activities, you are preventing the procrastinator from developing and imposing their own sense of order and priorities, and you are keeping the tension level up. Instead of the kid being able to work things out on her own, you have converted the situation into a battle of wills, the same battle as the one you had over whether the kid would eat brussel sprouts at age 5, and the creative/imaginative/procrastinator type will simply get more bogged down in the act of resistance. </p>

<p>I say, let it go. You will be amazed at what kids are capable of if you have a little faith in their ability to get things done in their own time, in their own way. And the rare kids who actually do not actually manage to pull things all together on their own at the last minute may not really be ready for college, in any case. But the more likely scenario is that the kid misses the deadline for the EA or ED school, but having learned that lesson once the hard way, does make the deadline for a different school. There are a lot of excellent colleges that do not have application deadlines before mid-January or later. </p>

<p>The one thing a parent can do is help take care of advance prep work, such as providing appropriate stamps and pre-addressed labels for teachers & g.c.'s to send in transcripts & recs, and making sure that all needed information and materials are on hand at home. Procrastinators tend not to plan well for contingencies, and many of the contingencies can be foreseen. There is no reason that you can’t buy replacement printer cartridges before the printer runs out of ink, 15 minutes after the office supply store has closed on the very last day before the supplemental application and essay must be mailed.</p>

17

<p>When it comes to college application essays I’m of the “coerce, cajole, bribe, threaten” school. I know it seems to go on for an eternity but in the scheme of life it’s only a eye-dropper of time and so much is riding on the result.</p>

<p>We are all bigtime procrastinators in our family. It breaks my heart to see my son who is, at times, a gifted and effortless writer sit in front of a blank screen for days, weeks, months waiting for the inspiration to start writing, just as I did in front of my old manual typewriter. I think it has to do with a fear of failure. If you don’t start, you won’t disappoint yourself or others. </p>

<p>The papers were started at the 11th hour and turned in (mostly) on time. Could they have been better with time allowed for revision and reflection? No question about it. There were, however, plenty of last minute starts that resulted in “A” papers, so the motivation for reform remained low.</p>

<p>Believe me I know what it’s like to live with a procrastinator, so why is the college application process different from the every day academic paper process? Well, for one, the stakes are so much higher. A poorly written English or History paper may be redeemed next time. The application to number one dream college will only get reviewed once; there are no second chances. </p>

<p>I like the ideas of talking through ideas, of setting aside high energy time, of working on more than one essay at a time. Each parent knows best what type of encouragement their kid is likely to respond to. At the end of the day, the student has to do the writing but, to me, this isn’t the time for parents to back off.</p>

18

<p>"Her dad thinks we should leave her alone and let her deal with the deadlines and the consequences of her actions. "</p>

<p>I agree with that. If she can’t get her essays in on time, that is to me a big hint that she would have difficulty meeting the deadlines that would be required for things like papers in college, a place where teachers don’t provide the kind of organizational structure that exists in high school.</p>

<p>I learned this the hard way. With older S, a procrastinator, I laid down the law and literally stood over him while he did his applications to the colleges that he said he wanted to attend. He got in – with plenty of merit aid – then flunked out because he couldn’t get it together to go to class or to do papers. He did, however, a wonderful job in an academically-related EC that he loved. If I hadn’t made sure that he had gotten his apps in, he probably would have done a gap year working in that field, which would have allowed him the time to mature while also having the structure of living at home.</p>

<p>With younger S, who graduated from h.s. this spring, I applied the lesson that I had learned with his brother. I reminded, but did not force him to do applications and – he missed the deadlines for all of the places he said he was interested in. After that, he got an Americorps volunteer position created for him (He loves volunteering, and had a longstanding relationship with that center), and now is living at home and volunteering fulltime.</p>

<p>He also says he is writing essays for his college applications, which he is totally in charge of doing and paying for. (Last year, I had arranged for scores to be sent to all of the schools he had said he was interested in.). </p>

<p>He seems to be working harder on them than he did last year, but if he doesn’t get them in, he could do another year of Americorps, which would allow him more time to develop the discipline and organizational skills needed for college. </p>

<p>Many students aren’t ready for college right after h.s. </p>

<p>If what I described doesn’t sound like your D, here’s another possibility: She may be a person who does fabulously on deadline.</p>

<p>Here’s another take on your D’s situation: I did all of my college apps at the last minute. I tend to put off writing everything until the last minute, though I do think a lot about what I’m going to write. For me, things just do not gel until the last minute adrenaline surge, which somehow allows what I write to be creative. Anything I produce before that is dull.</p>

<p>Anyway, I got into all colleges that I applied to, including 3 Ivies. I also did my own proofreading and kept track of my colleges’ app deadlines. I don’t see any need for a parent to post that kind of info. What would be essential, though, would be to make sure that your D knows that it will be important for her to get things like the recommendations well in advance of the deadline. Asking for them the day before winter break is a bad idea.</p>