<p>My DD’s boyfriend just broke up with her. She is a junior in college (5 states away!) He was her first boyfriend, and they had been dating for 2 years. She is SO heartbroken. I wan to punch the guy (even though he is not really bad), but most of all I want to be able to comfort her. I am sad I can’t be there with her.
I’m asking for sound words of advice (other than “this too shall pass”) and recommendations about “healing” books for her to read.</p>
<p>Nothing hurts like this. It is sharp, wrenching, all-enveloping pain.</p>
<p>My advice is for your daughter to engage in the movements of a person who is not heartbroken. That is, go to activities and parties just as though she were not miserable. DON’T sit around and pine. This is one of those instances in which the movement can help induce the reality much sooner.</p>
<p>Mooning around in her room, thinking about what she has lost, will only prolong the pain.</p>
<p>I know it is hard to see one’s kid hurting, but other than being a sympathetic ear, I don’t think you have a role in this. Your D and her friends are no doubt acquainted with a wide range of “breaking up” songs and movies and so forth: every generation is. My suggestion is not to assume that the BF is a villain, even slightly. Relationships do run their course, and people do break up. That doesn’t make either party “bad” at all.</p>
<p>My S broke up with his first GF earlier this year, and although HE seems perfectly calm about it, I am still in mourning. But I keep my mouth shut. :)</p>
<p>How about, “when one door closes, another one opens”</p>
<p>The truth is that such a break-up is inevitable. But kids at that age don’t want to hear that. It would have been better if they had split up before going off to their separate colleges. I know this is harsh, bu I am surprised they even made it to junior year. </p>
<p>Just explain to her that this is a new phase in her life. Presumably, YOU did not marry your high school sweetheart, and tell her about all the great dates and stuff you had after breaking up with your high school sweetheart.</p>
<p>And how these things usually work out for the best.</p>
<p>If she does some kind of exercising activity (running, swimming, dance, TKD, weights, etc.) it can be really good therapy to spend time doing that.</p>
<p>I still have a very nice letter my mother wrote to me on a similar occasion. She didn’t say a lot, but she did say, “I know it sounds trite, but really it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” The best cure is to keep busy.</p>
<p>My sympathies, TopPick. This is so hard – on you as well as your d. I’ve held my kids’ hands through several breakups, and it just stinks. I hope my kids are the ones to initiate the breakup if there’s a next time, for the completely selfish reason that I think it would be easier to comfort the dumper than the dumpee.</p>
<p>Someone on a similar thread recommended “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” My most heartbroken d said it’s a fantastic book, helpful and comforting, but that she needed some time before she could force herself to pick it up.</p>
<p>I checked in here because my D and her boyfriend are on the brink of a breakup. I was thinking songs more than books in the short-term. I remember wallowing in Jackson Browne–but now that I think about that, it might not have been the best approach . . .</p>
<p>When my D went through this a few years ago, I found some good “How to Deal with a Breakup” articles online and forwarded the links to her. D also got “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken” from the library.</p>
<p>I also offered to treat her to a new haircut, manicure, pedicure just as a supportive nice thing. </p>
<p>One other thing I noticed is that the first major breakup is the hardest. Tell your D there will likely be a few more in her future, but the agony of this one will make future ones easier in comparison. IMO once they have gone through a significant breakup **and recovered and moved on **they know that it is simply part of the process of determining who may be the best partner for the long run. And better it happen sooner than later.</p>
<p>I also always encouraged handling the breakup with class, no matter who initiated it.</p>
<p>P.S. And I do concur with “Better to have loved and lost …” I told my D, “You have been loved and will be loved again.” And it was true. :)</p>
<p>My daughter was given a book named “I’m Fine! A really helpful guide to the first 100 days after the breakup” By Mandana Hoveyda. It is a witty book that gives a helpful hint of the day. For example: Day 22 Get a pedicure. Mostly just a funny book to ease one into feeling better through truth but overwhelming humor.</p>
<p>Two of my D’s had long term (6.5 years and 5 years) relationships end this year. The reasons for the breakups were different but the anguish was the same. One talked to me some because she was so confused; the other relied far more on her friends and sisters for support than on me. In both cases, I was glad I wasn’t the main sounding board because I would have said some things I would have regretted later. I let them both know that I would always be available to listen and that my main concern with the any relationships they are in is that they are happy and they are being respected. With three daughters who are tight, I can monitor how one is coping by talking to her sisters. Both of my D’s were away at school when their breakups occurred (boyfriends at other schools hours away) so there was not much I could do but pray that each day got a bit easier. Keeping busy seemed to help. I’m sorry your D is going through this.</p>
<p>Not a book, but may I recommend a song?</p>
<p>The Marvelettes, Too Many Fish in the Sea</p>
<p>Every line of this song is relevant, (I would encourage you to read the lyrics of the entire song) but for the sake of brevity, some selected verse:</p>
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</p>
<p>When I had a really bad breakup in college, my mom sent me this poem:</p>
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</p>
<p>On a more optimistic note, you could send her the following quote:
“… believe in a (future) love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet</p>