Many high school kids who end up in nursing or engineering, communications and business do not, I repeat, do not declare their majors in high school. I think most kids in their first years of college are still undecided. You have to realize it is her life and not yours. And where are you that you are so isolated? I live in a small town in the Midwest and there are internships in the bigger Midwest cities. You aren’t in remote Alaska. People actually do succeed without internships. Sure, they are helpful but it isn’t the end of the world not to get one.
@iowaboy3 You appear to misunderstand your role here. The school your daughter attends undoubtedly has adequate resources to assist her in her internship/career search. Right now, everything is up in the air for all schools, but when things calm down a little, there will be plenty of time for those at her school to assist and guide her. There is no need for you to try to take control of the situation or “force” her to do anything. She is an adult and not only must she learn to make her own decisions, you, as her parent, need to transition to a new relationship with your daughter, as adults with mutual respect for each other’s boundaries.
The problem isn’t that she’s lacking direction, and you know it. The problem is that her direction isn’t STEM, and you don’t like it.
In your other thread, you’ve told us you that in high school, she had to submit to HOURS of DAILY tutoring in math, even though she hates math and science. She applied and was admitted to her ivy as a non STEM major - clearly they could see talent and perspective there that you couldn’t.
And despite knowing that she hates math and science and absolutely does not want to major in a quantitative field, you made her take CS and Econ classes.
It didn’t go well, you say. Considering she’s not on academic probation, her non quant subjects must have gone a bit better. But you don’t care about them, do you, and let her know it. It’s not that you don’t have the connections to secure her non STEM internships in your immediate area. That’s the point of going to an Ivy, particularly as an immigrant or first gen -they can help with internships in all sort of places that families and connections can’t.
But she can’t talk to you about what she really would like to do, can she? You’ve let her know what you think of it. I wonder how loud and scary you were when you did.
How on earth do you want her to even “get” direction right now? If, as I suspect, she’s afraid to talk to you about it, who can she talk to? Schools closed. She can’t talk to professors, career services, her friends. (When she tries to make a private phone call in her closet, you eavesdrop on her). She can’t even apply for internships for the summer because even the internships students have secured are being cancelled. She can’t make a proper plan for what classes to take next fall because no one knows what’s going to happen with colleges. No one how’s what’s happening to the economy.
You know she’s afraid of you, and desperately unhappy. BACK OFF.
Almost Most colleges don’t have you pick a major until the end of sophomore year. So really she is right on schedule. Even if you want engineering, you don’t declare it until the end of sophomore year.
Also see if you can find the fault in this logic:
She got a " not-so-great GPA."
but “I did make her take the intro to computer science and Econ 101 classes at her school and they went BADLY”.
Your goal should be for her to graduate with a good GPA.
It is okay if you want to tell her that she can’t come home after graduation…she is on her own. It is okay to say that you won’t fund any course under a 2.5.
Let her work with her advisors on what she should be taking that fit with requirements and her interests…not yours.
Realize that she got into an Ivy so she must be a smart girl. Let her be that smart girl.
If you think that getting a job is all about parent connections, why did you send her to an Ivy? Isn’t that supposed to provide networking?
I agree that if she doesn’t know what she wants to major in she should
- Take one of the many "what should I major in " quizzes on line
- Think about jobs she might like and what majors those people have
- Go to the career office and see if they have anything that helps
- Talk to her advisor
- Talk to her professor in her favorite class and seek their advice
- Look on the department website of her favorite courses and they often have career options
All of the young adults I mentioned- including the one working in a museum are fully self-supporting, and have been since graduation.
Good internships will provide stipends and often will include housing.
Absolutely true. It’s also possible that she won’t be rejected everywhere- she is clearly smart and capable enough to be attending a tippy-top university. Either way, she has 2.5 years to develop her plan.
Not true. They can be. And for both engineering and nursing it is the fastest way. But for communications & business? only true if you are going for a pure business program (eg Ross, Wharton)- and lots of students don’t choose those fields until well into college.
Agree with @bopper on encouraging your daughter to take a career aptitude test. Lots of people are unaware of the many careers out there - it could be eye opening for both of you.
(As an aside, I am puzzled how someone with a random BA is qualified to be a “management consultant” although it sounds like a thing.)
What interests her? What is she passionate about? Sometimes volunteer efforts or ECs can pave the way to careers.
I would try to reboot with your daughter and acknowledge that not everyone knows exactly what they want to do on the same timeline. Often, career goals change. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you guiding her — but I would try to keep your fear (anger) out of it. She is shutting down on you and empathy could help.
I think I was the ONLY kid in my large group of friends who did NOT change majors once I got to college. I knew a lot about engineering since my dad was an engineering prof, so I went in with my eyes open. Most kids had no clue what they wanted to do when they got to campus. They all turned out OK.
And oh, my daughter, graduating from Susquehanna University in two weeks, would be thrilled to work in an art museum. She is charting her own course. She is aware it may not be easy and she’s prepared to live austerely for awhile if that’s what it takes. I am very proud of her.
I don’t know where you getting your information but really…it’s not true. Sample of one…my kid declared engineering as a major the second term of her sophomore year in college…imagine that? Oh…and she never took calculus in high school either.
No one…repeat…NO ONE needs to declare a college major in high school. That is just plain poppycock.
Many…many many college students start off in one major and switch multiple times before they land where they get their degrees.
My kids both went to colleges where there were very strong core course requirements. This required that students take courses across a variety of disciplines…and yes, that included nursing, engineering, communications and business majors. And yes, some of them actually switched OUT of those majors too.
Your daughter just finished (almost) her freshman year of college. She will have a Major by the time she graduates. I think you need to recognize that this is OK. You are putting a lot of pressure on a young person to make what you think should be a career and major decision very early.
This isn’t what happens for most students. They explore, take their time…and land someplace for a major by the start of their junior year.
OP here. DD took a career quiz last year and got firefighter… definitely not something she wants to do! She’s not particularly interested or passionate about everything; in high school, she was one of those students who did a few clubs, sports, and activities but didn’t particularly excel in any of them. The phrase “average excellent” is thrown around here often and I think it’s an accurate description of her. She didn’t even particularly enjoy the activities she did in high school, so she hasn’t continued any of them in college.
I think it’s fine if a kid doesn’t have any particular passions; your career doesn’t have to be something you’re incredibly passionate about, only one that you like enough to be doing 40 hours (or more) a week. The problem is, DD can’t find anything that she would do for that long and just said management consulting because it’s an easy fallback option for people who want to further delay their career decisions.
We don’t want DD to continue delaying making choices. She needs to be bold in what she wants out of college! It’s so frustrating having other families around me say that their kid is going to our state flagship on a full ride to be pre-med, or to Georgia Tech as a Stamps Scholar for Chemical Engineering, or to community college with the intention of transferring to a local public four-year as a computer engineering major. Meanwhile, DH and I are shelling out tens of thousands of dollars this year only for DD to be completely unappreciative and have no direction whatsoever.
And for the record, she has no interest in being a lawyer. UGH!
Don’t compare your daughter to other kids. That is a sure recipe for frustration and futility. Let her spread her own wings. You can’t push her.
OP: Your daughter was admitted to and is attending an Ivy League school.
Management Consulting is a great way for highly intelligent, responsible, hard-working students from elite colleges & universities to start a career. There are different levels of management consulting firms. While MBB management consulting firms apply tests during interviews, other mc firms do not.
MC is a great way to earn a living while getting an education in business, & exploring career options.
I would strongly advise her not to be a lawyer, especially if she has no interest.
I’m deeply concerned about your “frustration” related to other families’ descriptions of their children. You appear to view your daughter as an extension of yourself, instead of as her own, separate person. This is not healthy.
You also keep using terms like “unappreciative” to describe your daughter and reference the money you are spending for her education. This is also unhealthy. The fact that she does not know in minute detail what her career plans are right now does not mean she is “unappreciative”. It simply means she just doesn’t know yet, but needs time to develop those plans. As a parent, you made a choice to contribute toward her education. But that doesn’t mean you therefore have the right to dictate her path for her. She is an adult. Let her be one.
First of all…state schools do not require that you come in with a major and never change your mind. That’s false.
I am the one who wrote about the student I know who graduated from a top 20 school and spent a year working at Starbucks following graduation. It’s not uncommon…most find their way, get counseling if needed, and figure out what they want to do. My dentist’s daughter spent 2 years traveling before heading off to medical school (obviously she was able to afford to do this).
There is nothing wrong with doing something for 2 years (consulting, teaching abroad, etc) and then moving on. Again…happens all the time.
Please focus on today and getting your family into a healthy state. That is the only way your D’s life (and yours) will fall into place.
OP: Your daughter’s major is in problem solving.
Management Consulting firms and other elite employers seeking effective managers will appreciate your daughter’s Ivy League education, her intelligence & her work ethic.
Even though her approach to problem solving is not heavily STEM or quant focused, your daughter should receive attractive job offers before graduation.
If in management consulting, she will need Microsoft Excel & Microsoft PowerPoint familiarity. Comfort with data bases is also expected & easily acquired by someone with her intellectual ability & work ethic. MC firms mentor & train their hires. All your daughter needs is proven intelligence & demonstrated work ethic. Admission to & graduation from an Ivy League school should suffice in this respect.
The statistic I’ve often heard is that roughly a third of students arrive at college without knowing what they want to major in, a third have decided on a major but eventually change their mind, and a third have an intended major and stick with it.
Many graduates from elite LACs and National Universities–including Ivy League schools–work as paralegals for major law firms for a 2 year period after earning an undergraduate degree.
Working in a major law firm in Wash DC or in New York City or Chicago furthers one’s education while giving exposure to the legal industry & to client industries.
Additionally, many of the paralegals share apartments during their two year stint during which they learn from their peers.
While base pay may be in the upper 40s or lower 50s, paralegals earn overtime pay that can result in more than a doubling of their base pay.
While understandable that you want your daughter to have a career plan and an interest in STEM subjects, problem solvers often do not have a clearly defined career path while in college. Problem solvers become higly paid executives who typically manage STEM professionals.
In fact, few MBA programs offered STEM training or significant exposure to STEM fields until this upcoming year.
It is easy to see value in others & in areas in which we do not excel, but success in life often depends upon appreciating & understanding one’s strengths & in knowing one’s weaknesses.
My concern is that you view your daughter as a failure before she has been given a chance to succeed in the real world.
Ivy League graduates tend to do well in the real world.
Problem solvers who can communicate effectively flourish in the real world.
You claim to be a Christian.
You claim to have Christian values.
Christians are people of faith.
Faith is the cornerstone of belief in a higher power and should not be abandoned simply because a clear path is not laid before us.
If you have faith in a higher power, then you should have faith in your daughter.
Your daughter does have post graduation plan. She does not have her entire adult life planned out and that is okay. I find it completely unrealistic for you to expect her to have more than a 5 year plan in place which she does, you just dont agree with it.
I was just in an interview yesterday and I was asked what my 5 year plan was. Guess what, I said I wasn’t quite sure. I’m in my mid 40’s, Ive had a few jobs, I have my master’s. I’m doing quite okay despite not knowing what I’m doing 5 years from now.
I pray your daughter can survive her parenting and not self harm. Female Koreans have a disproportionate rate of suicide. Horribly sad how parents can add to these girl’s stress and feelings of inadequacy.
I would be cautious attributing this scenario to any particular culture. There are plenty of parents from many different cultures and backgrounds who treat their children this way.
If your daughter seems unappreciative, please consider that what she may actually be feeling is sad, afraid, confused, anxious and grief-stricken at having clearly disappointed her parents just by being who she fundamentally IS… I think these feelings would be understandable from a young person who cares very much to please parents that are obviously disappointed in their child. Just because you think her outward presentation means she is unappreciative, that doesn’t make it so. It’s just that it’s hard to feel and to express appreciation toward someone who is constantly critical, who applies undue pressure, and who has little respect for the true qualities of who one is (in this case, non-STEM attributes). You don’t seem to see the wonderful things that she IS and has the potential to BECOME.
Have you shown appreciation for the hard work that she did to get into her elite school? Do you have any idea how difficult college admissions are these days, for her to have achieved that?
IMO, you are doing more damage to her life (and to any future relationship with your daughter) than working a couple of years at Starbucks could ever do. I hope I’m wrong, but I worry that you’re more concerned about status and what other people think than about the quality of your daughter’s life.
Perhaps your daughter would thrive and find her place in a profession that does not pay a high salary but is highly satisfying for her. I have a feeling you would reject such a choice. If that’s true, maybe that is why she doesn’t want to confide in you. Or maybe she can’t make a decision because she can’t admit to herself that she wants to major in something you clearly disapprove of (because she so wants to please you). A truly rebellious young adult would have put her foot down with you long ago. There seems to be no solution for her, because, perhaps, she’s afraid the things she could excel in are unacceptable to you.
Please do some soul-searching, OP.