Worried about my sister's safety

Parent Cafe
1

<p>To put it lightly, my sister lives in a pretty bad neighborhood with her two daughters. It’s not an ideal situation but unfortunately it’s all she can afford right now. </p>

<p>My sister just called me and told me that last night, she heard a noise outside her bedroom window, so she got dressed, armed herself with a knife, and investigated. Basically, her apartment building is only a few feet from the next building over (which is boarded up), and she lives on the first floor. Thus, there is a very narrow alleyway between the two buildings that can only be accessed from her back yard. </p>

<p>What she found was a trail of footprints leading through her backyard, up to her back door, and then over to her bedroom window in the alley way. There was nobody there, but my sister called the police and they came over and took a look. They agreed to drive by the house and keep a look out for anyone suspicious but my sister got the impression that they weren’t taking her seriously. She tried to show them the footprints - which were clearly very large and male, by the way - and they seemed pretty disinterested in doing any sort of investigating. </p>

<p>My sister is on her guard, has alerted the police, spoken to her landlord, and talked to her neighbors and employees of the autobody shop across the street and asked them to call the police if they see someone lurking around her windows. Is there anything else that she can do to keep herself safe? She has no idea how long this has been going on for, as she has found footprints before, but she had always assumed it was just one of the local druggies ducking behind her apartment to use.</p>

2

<p>Have your sister buy and install those blinding outdoors lights that are triggered by movement. She should buy one for every side of the house, especially the front door. I’m sure you’ll be happy to write her a check to buy these for her and hopefully her landlord can install them. That should deter the druggies and creeps away from her windows.</p>

3

<p>And since she is on the first floor, does she have gates or bars on her windows?</p>

<p>And is the front door, through which all residents of the building go, secured when no one is there?? </p>

<p>She should also make the other residents of her building aware of what she saw, so they know to be careful at the front door and make sure it latches behind them.</p>

<p>And she should also make sure that not only her windows but the door to her own apartment is secure as well, with a deadbolt.</p>

4

<p>Your sister should not be going outside to investigate. She should call the police each and every time. </p>

<p>I’d suggest a dog. One that barks.</p>

5

<p>I discussed the possibility of putting out those lights with my sister when I we were on the phone, and she said that her landlord was a major flake and wouldn’t install them. She’s basically a slum lord - there is a pane of glass out in her front door that my sister has done her best to board up from when her ex boyfriend broke into the apartment. Basically, the security is really bad because even if the window was fixed, it takes nothing to break in. Also, nobody in my family will have the money to pay for the lights until we get taxes back later this month. Our financial situation is pretty bad right now. Not totally dire, but things are really tough. When I’ve gone over to my parents’ house the cupboards have been more or less bare. </p>

<p>There is no main entrance because the apartment is in an old house that has been split top floor and bottom floor into two different apartments. The top apartment I believe is accessed through stairs to a back balcony but nobody is living there right now. My sister always locks her door but, like I mentioned, the ex boyfriend essentially punched it open and was able to gain access.</p>

<p>And no, there are no gates or bars on the windows, either. </p>

<p>I will look into if there are maybe some self-installable lights, but if there are I’d probably only be able to purchase one and that’ll put me in jeopardy of not being able to buy groceries.</p>

<p>Edit: The dog is unfortunately not really an option because she can’t afford to take care of it. My sister is learning disabled and on welfare, which is another can of worms in and of itself. Basically, they won’t let her into job training because she hasn’t been able to pass the GED. She hasn’t been able to pass the GED because she can’t read beyond a grade school level. She can’t get a decent job because she has no job skills and can’t read, and if she works has nobody to take care of her children when they’re not in school, not to mention they don’t have health care anymore. That’s an entirely different situation though.</p>

6

<p>Perhaps your sister should move in with you or mom and dad until the tax refunds come through. Her safety and the safety of your nieces is pretty darn important.</p>

7

<p>You mention a violent ex-boyfriend. Does your sister have a restraining order against him? My assumption NOW is that the ex-boyfriend is the one wandering the backyard.</p>

<p>Okay, no one has any money. Your sister’s prospects are terrible. Things are a complete mess. It sounds pretty awful.</p>

<p>BUT… let me suggest that the time has come to look at the whole package. Your sister needs a safe place to live; your parents need to eat. Can your sister move in with your parents, let them help with the kids after school, and she can take a lousy job that doesn’t require reading. Yes, that sucks. </p>

<p>As for the children’s health care, pretty much every state has a program for health care for children. Your sister must have a welfare case worker; that person should be able to help arrange these things. </p>

<p>Where is the children’s father? Is he paying child support? Why not?</p>

8

<p>Actually dmd77 the idea of her moving in with the parents is not all bad. Pooling meager resources and having the children somewhere safe makes a ton of sense. Hopefully your sister is tapped into area social services? The children are most definitely at risk and there are also services that will focus on the welfare of the children and in turn benefit the entire family.</p>

9

<p>Given your sister’s situation, I’m wondering if this is section 8 or another form of subsidized housing. If so, the landlord is required to maintain it to a certain standard. If the local legal aid society has a landlord-tenant section, your sister should qualify for at least a free consultation. But all in all, it sounds as if given the landlord’s intransigence and the location and physical features of this apartment, there is no way it is going to turn into a safe option for your sister or her children.</p>

<p>Does your sister’s city have subsidized housing programs? Sometimes, in addition to state or county housing, there are private organizations with units or subsidies to rent units. (Even if there is a long list for these programs, it would probably be good to get her onto every possible list asap, if she isn’t already signed up.) Your sister might qualify for special programs either as a person with a documented disability, or as a battered woman if the abusive boyfriend’s behavior has been documented. If the person outside the window would appear to be the ex-boyfriend, perhaps a battered women’s shelter would be a good interim solution.</p>

<p>In terms of literacy, many public libraries have adult literacy volunteers in successful programs with a good track record for teaching adults to read. Given that many adults who can’t read are in that situation because their LD’s were never properly addressed, seasoned volunteers, many of whom are retired teachers, may have familiarity with the challenges your sister faces. </p>

<p>Most states have a department that helps adults with disabilities to receive job training, be mainstreamed into jobs, or find sheltered workshop jobs. In some cases, there may be a childcare componant or funding for children to remain in afterschool programs while the parent is working. Some of these programs may be able to provide adults with assistive technologies to help them with important life tasks, such as reading. (for example, software that can read scanned material aloud to her, hi-lighting each word on the computer screen as it is being read aloud, or textbooks on cd’s if your sister is able to take high school classes toward a GED at some point.) Many of the adults who are served by these departments don’t have – and may never have – the ability to pass GED tests. Is there someone you could talk with in your sister’s city to find out what might be available for her?</p>

<p>Does your sister have a decent social worker assigned to her? I’m wondering if you might be able to get her hooked up with a private organization such as Catholic family services or the Salvation Army that might have slightly less stressed and overworked social workers than government agencies. A good social worker might be able to help her get plugged into better alternatives for housing, medical coverage at least for her kids, basic free clinic care for herself, and whatever job or educational training is available in her area.</p>

<p>Finally, what about the alternative of getting her out of the horribe place where she is living, that must be so demoralizing, and in with your parents or another relative while all this is being sorted out? If she is uncomfortable doing this for herself, maybe she could be prevailed upon to do it for her kids.</p>

<p>You have probably already looked into a bunch of this stuff, so apologies if this sounds high handed. I’m just trying to come up with any possible way I can think of to help get your sister into a better situation. Sending hugs your way – sorry you’re going through this.</p>

10

<p>hyperJulie, I don’t have a lot of advice, other than basic stuff like tell your sister NOT go to outside and investigate, and maybe find a way to at least nail a board across her windows. </p>

<p>The other posters have such good, good, logical ideas…but I know from having a similar background to your own…you probably can’t do a whole lot by yourself. For these problems to be solved, a lot of other things have to happen too. The reasons for the current situation, I’m guessing, has a long history, its complex, everything is intertwined, and there are catch-22s everywhere. Not to mention, your sister and family may lack needed problem solving skills/resources/ability to plan (and as you mention earlier, there is drug abuse in the family). And I know it can be sooo painful to worry about your family and not be able to fix it for them. </p>

<p>This brings back me back to my experience that I hope you don’t find yourself in at some point (which is why I share this now). As the person who ‘made it’, the success story, AND the person who is obviously very smart, resourceful (and will become moreso with time)…be careful you don’t end up in a codependency, trying to rescue and fix, and draining yourself and nothing coming of it. You don’t sound like you are falling into that, I just wanted to throw that out there in case you remember this later on…</p>

<p>I don’t mean to be overly negative or pessimistic…and maybe this is jsut my own baggage talkin’…I hope so much you can become a great resource for your family and they get out of their troubles. I really do! But: please take care of your studies foremost and don’t let yourself become their social worker (I know so easy for me to say, especially when you must be worried sick). Find some resources or people who can assist, give them the names and phone numbers, the ideas, even maybe the ‘to do list’ but then step back.</p>

11

<p>I think combining households with your parents would be a great idea. If that won’t work, could she go into a battered women’s shelter? If the ex-boyfriend is violent, that might be a safe alternative.</p>