I will wish that if someone knew this about my child that they would let me know. I have no such hubris that as a parent I know everything about my child, and would hope that a brave villager would venture into uncomfortable territory in a situation as this. If reaching out to parent directly is not what you can do, might I suggest the school guidance counselor? This person is in a better position to work with the family, and is a mandated reporter to boot, if the situation seems to warrant it.
I think that kids tell parents these incidents in order to have the adult take action, even if they protest against it, because the kids feel very scared. They want a grown up to help and remove a burden of responsibility that the teenager is not yet ready for.
“I think that kids tell parents these incidents in order to have the adult take action, even if they protest against it, because the kids feel very scared. They want a grown up to help and remove a burden of responsibility that the teenager is not yet ready for.”
Agree! When my D was little (younger) she would share things with me, sometimes in tears, “I don’t know what to do” - we navigated together, and she learned how to be a compassionate person, and be able to stand up for others and herself in the process.
I’m not sure what a high school is supposed to do with information that kids are drinking and partying. Athletic departments often have written conduct codes whereby they can bench a player who is “caught” drinking alcohol, but the operative word is “caught.” I’m curious OP what you think the school should do…are you thinking they should confront the girl about her drinking or “the school” should notify the parents that their D is drinking…what do you think the school’s responsibility is in this situation? Drinking is the illegal activity…chances are the friend of the OP’s D is of legal age to have sex in most states. If not, then she is the one who needs to press charges of rape or assault with the local police if that is what in fact occurred.
@2wuhanmom, If you believe a young woman was raped at a private party, why didn’t you notify her parents and the police? Since when do public high schools have jurisdiction in criminal cases?
I agree with @momofthreeboys, I don’t know what the high school is expected to do with the information. This party didn’t happen at the school or a school function did it? I’m assuming not because if it did it would be clear that the school failed in their supervision. If the “someone at the school” is not the counselor who has an ethical responsibility not to disclose the information other than with those that need to know for the protection of the student, it is unfair to all of those involved to go discuss a story about something that has happened because this is not a school matter. Again, if this “someone at the school is a guidance counselor” then I do think it is okay.
@2wuhanom I pose this next question to you only because you started this thread. When your D is at this party, is this party at someone’s home? When the alcohol begins to be served are you not concerned that D stayed and didn’t leave the party? Where are the parents who are the hosts of this party? They are responsible for what goes on in their home and they can be charged if children are being served alcohol. Who is providing the alcohol? Are these kids then getting into cars having consumed alcohol? HS kids are at least 4 years under the legal age for drinking so there are many red flags that I see in addition to what occurred with this particular girl.
I believe that the children in our community are our collective responsibility- I’m not expecting the school to “do” anything other than reach out to the girl, make sure she is okay, and offer any help that may be needed - I agree with @paveyourpath about the many red flags - hence my concern
Personally, I think you’ve put the school guidance counselor in a precarious position. The states are all different about confidentiality, about parental reporting prior to age 18, mandatory reporting to police and all sorts of thing…but really this isn’t a “school” issue at heart. It’s all “nice” to think that society has a “collective responsibility” to raise our children but legally that isn’t true. Fact of the matter is, depending on the girl’s parents, you technically could have exposed yourself to a legal issue although the chances of that happening are pretty slim.
Hopefully the counselor calls the girl in, does not have any additional legal responsibilities in your state and the girl has a wake-up conversation about her habits. But it’s entirely possible the school will do nothing since it’s hearsay.
I don’t care what the school will or will not do. Blow the whistle and tell the girl’s parents what your daughter saw. Isn’t that what we parents do? Set boundaries, continue to talk to our kids about risks of behavior? Try to model decency and respect? Consensual or not, I would want an opportunity to speak to my daughter or son in this case about what happened.
We don’t know what happened since it was reported second hand to the OP. However, it’s also reported some of the girl’s other friends were concerned, not just the OP’s daughter, and that would matter to me. For whatever reason, they don’t see this as a norm in their social group. When young adults report concerns to their parents, I think it deserves attention. I don’t know how I would respond, because in that scenario, I’d have a whole lot more information about all parties involved. But I like to think I would take it very seriously. Like the OP.
Perhaps they know she drinks and is sexually active. Perhaps they don’t. But as a couple of us said, unless the OP knows them well it is difficult. We had this in our “group”. One of my GFs Ds was just a wild teen and we all knew it because our kids (boys and girls) ran together so we heard the stories and we were all concerned that she’d get an MIP or worse, end up pregnant, so the GF that was closet to the teen’s mom did have a conversation with the mom…but it’s touchy and the mom did clamp down abit on her D after that conversation. I, to this day, believe she would not have believed it if the “story” had come from someone she didn’t know well.
I’ve told this story before but another “mom” heard from somebody in the community that her teen D had been to a party and had sex with one of the teen boys that was a good friend of my son (they were all 17 at the time so over the age of consent for our state for sex but underage for a drinking party) and the mom went crazy, called the police, dragged her D in to report rape and it was a mess because the mom had no idea the D drank or that the D was sexually active. The reality was she had consented but didn’t want to lose her (steady) boyfriend in a nearby town if it became common knowledge outside the group and didn’t want her mom to know she was sexually active, let alone drank. The investigation went on for several months despite the fact that all the kids there that night knew it was consensual, that she had told people she was going to hook-up that night and to keep it quiet. The high school got involved somehow and the GCs and police were grilling the kids because the boys that night were furious and felt betrayed and it spilled over into the small high school with the boy being called a rapist by kids that didn’t know squat and weren’t there and the girl being called a liar by kids that didn’t know squat and weren’t there. I got a personal call from the principal because it was such a mess and he wanted to know what our thoughts were…at the point when when it escalated and spilled into the school she finally quietly recanted and said that everyone was telling the truth that it was planned and consensual. She could have saved a bunch of kids and parents alot of aggravation if she just could have been truthful with her mother but I know it’s difficult to tell your parents things that may disappoint them. Not all parents take hearing stories about their kids rationally especially if they don’t know what is going on. I still think it’s best to be handled by someone trusted and close to the parents.
The opportunity to talk to your kids boys or girls, is there, every single day. No crisis required.
You’re not in a position to do anything. But because your daughter was a witness, she should talk to campus security about what she witnessed. Sounds like rape to me. If it wasn’t, campus security can sort it out with counseling. YES, she needs to say something! Encourage your daughter to do the right thing and speak up.
Oye…just realized that you were talking about highschool kids. How sad. Take your daughter to the police and have her file a report on what she saw. The police will talk to the parents. I’m fairly sure she can do this anonymously. You could ask that going in.
It is important to address this behavior on so many levels. Reckless behavior while drinking can cause tragedies like alcohol poisening fatalities, and fatal car accidents. Reckless drinking can lead to rape. Reckless sex with someone who has been drinking and cannot properly consent opens the door for rape allegations. If this is not what happened, the young man in question NEEDS education about why you don’t have sex with someone who is incapacitated. All of these kids need some education and consequences for drinking underage, IMO.
So the OP’s D was at a party with underage drinking and presuming she’s the same age you’re telling her to go to the police? Really? The girl that was drinking and had the sex is the one who needs to go to the police if she meets the criminal definition of mentally incapacitated or the legal criteria for whatever state she lives in for sexual assault AND she believes she did not consent…people do not have to be sober to give consent in any state.
YES, I am telling her that. Because it’s THAT important. All of the kids involved need some education about the consequences of reckless drinking and reckless sex. Under aged drinking is illegal, and a very very bad idea. Under aged drinking paired with teen sex is an especially horrible idea. I think every kid at the party should have consequences, and above all, I think the parents who allowed such a party to happen at their home need to be paid a visit by the police.
If my daughter witnessed this in high school, I would insist she file a police report. I’d rather tick a bunch of teens and parents off…than turn a blind eye to the kinds of reckless risks they are taking. I don’t know about your experience, but when I was in high school, we had SIX alcohol related deaths and two alcohol related rapes over the course of four years. Three kids died in car accidents, one died of alcohol poisoning, and one fell off a boat and drown. Both raped girls dropped out of school, one was pregnant with her rapist’s baby.
I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on any family. Getting a wake up call from the cops, and having the schools take notice and provide some comprehensive education about sex, drinking and consent can prevent these tragedies. Waking the parents up to what’s going on helps, too.
And yes…saving a family from that kind of pain, and saving a kid from dying young…is 100% worth it.
@MaryGJ, you’re the only one with an ounce of common sense. Completely agree. Parents are supposed to help their kids. It’s so important NOT to turn a blind eye and to get involved. Again, I say, it can save a life.
Sure but it would be outside the norm for the police to go visit parents days or weeks after a teen party and to do what?..tell them their kids were drinking? Possibly in a tiny little town where the police aren’t terribly busy.If the OP is concerned she can contact the kids’ parents and tell them there was a party if her D knew all the kids.