I guess I misunderstood your response. I think it was really great that the bystanders intervened–that’s what we need more of.
I thought you were indicating that you didn’t think the OP should consider letting the boy’s parents know of his risky behavior. (Which would emphatically NOT include an accusation of rape!) Perhaps I misunderstood.
Oh OK. No I was just saying I would find it odd if someone I didn’t know called me out of the blue and told me one of the boys had sex with a girl at a party and I wondered what kind of response they would expect. This as a response to the post regarding the heads up to the boys parents. I think the kids at that party did the right thing by “policing” themselves as far as the hookup. If she was drunk as a skunk her friends did her a great favor as well as the young man by telling him to cool it. Even if she initiated or consented in this day and age if they want to hookup again best to do it when she’s not drinking. The message albeit crude is better coming from peers even more than parents. If the op’s d’s story is true he was not drinking and she was…that dynamic is potential trouble for both kids.
Yes, the Op tells us they had sex. Later, the boy tried again for sex a second time and that time he was warned off by her friends. We weren’t told how much time passed between the first time and then the second attempt. We don’t know if the alcohol had “hit” the girl hard by the time of the second attempt, or maybe she resumed drinking and was more drunk the second time than the first? Her condition may have changed between the time of the first sex and then the later second attempt.
I agree, youghoss. Also, we don’t know exactly what is meant by “had sex.”
And while I can understand a POV that says it doesn’t really matter, some activities carry the risk of pregnancy and some do not. And I think that a HS girl may be somewhat less likely to be already using birth control.
Perhaps the boy used a condom (let’s hope). There is a LOT we don’t know from a third hand description with little detail.
I think that the daughter should talk to her friend, “do you remember what happened at the party?” And take it from there. Maybe the girl is happy with her choice. Maybe she has regrets and would appreciate talking to a friend. Maybe she needs help and doesn’t know how to ask for it. Support rather than judgment would seem to be the best course here.
I’m still waiting for MaryGJ to explain how she has determined this was a rape, given what we were told here. Yes, “had sex” isn’t exactly defined but I addressed that in post 43.
Yes, many teens have sex. Not all sex being had with teens is non-consenual. Such is life. The hookup is a separate but related issue to the party. I would guess there are hookups going on every weekend at a teen party. I have no problems with the national fixation around consent. It’s all good. But we are a long ways from defining legally at what point a person is “incapable” of consenting short of being passed out, mentally incompetent or underage which is well defined by states. It would be very concerning to me if young women (or older women) are getting the idea that all drunk sex is illegal…that would be a false assumption. However, if friends think a friend is making a poor decision or incapable of making a decision then the right thing to do is to attempt to intervene…there is always another day for the twosome if the friends make a false assumption. It is inexcusable to accuse someone of rape in the absence of fact…always. Rape and assault are criminal terms and well defined by all states. The girls telling the boy 'that’s assault" may or may not have even been accurate…but their intervention was not a bad thing and probably was a good thing for both teens.
The question was should the parent of a teen reach out to other parents to intervene? I say yes. Parents need to get involved and help whenever possible.
OP didn’t mention it to the parents; she reported it to the school. Since this seems to have been a private party, I fail to see how it’s any of the school’s business. There are mandatory reporting laws, though, so OP may have just caused both of these families a huge issue. If I were parents of either student, I’d be extremely upset if anyone passed on rumors about my child to our district. I hope OP consulted a lawyer before she did so.