I’m going away to college in about a month and I’m worrying about what will happen to my bedroom when I’m gone. I don’t want anyone sleeping in my bed, taking/touching my stuff, or snooping around in my bedroom while I’m gone. I can’t bring all of the stuff in my room to my dorm and I have 2 younger sisters. I’m afraid they’re going to go into my room and use my clothes, play around with my electric guitar, and use my nail polishes etc. My dad sometimes sleeps in my youngest sister’s bed on nights when he goes out with his friends and doesn’t come back until later. My sister usually sleeps in my parents room with my mom when this happens. I don’t want my dad sleeping in my bed while I’m away at college. I also have some old journals under my bed that I don’t want anyone to read. What bothers me the most is that my family could do all of these things and when I come back for Thanksgiving break I would never be able to tell. What should I do?
Take the journals with you, or get a box that locks and take the key, or rent a safe deposit box for them. Take your nail polishes with you, too. Lots of kids see their rooms turned into guest rooms, handed over to sibs, or their parents move to smaller digs once kids go to college. You can’t expect your parents to maintain it like a shrine; they are living in the house every day, paying the mortgage, and you are leaving for months at a time. Get used to it, and unless someone breaks something of yours, get over it.
You know pretty much all of that stuff belongs to your parents right?
You’re just going to have to accept that you have zero control over what happens to your room when you’re not in it. (This goes for your dorm room as well.) Express to your sisters what you don’t want touched. They’ll choose whether or not they want to abide by your wishes. Your dad is allowed to sleep in any which bed he desires. If he’s coming in late, retreating to a room in which no one sleeps in as to not to wake anybody makes your room a good option. Wash your sheets when you get home on break and sleep in your bed.
You’re going to have to let go of the things you cannot control. Lock up your valuable (i.e. your journals, private matters, nail polish) and that’s pretty much all you can do. Let it go.
You can’t honestly expect your parents to leave your room untouched forever. That’s a little ridiculous, and quite frankly, selfish. You’re moving out. That was your choice to do when you decided to go to college and to (I’m assuming) live in a dorm there. I know it feels like a big step and you don’t want anything to change, but that’s part of growing up. Try to me a little more mature about it and respectful of the other people in your house. It’s your parents’ room in your parents’ house. If they leave everything exactly as it was, then that’s their choice, but if they want to use your bed while you’re gone for months at a time, then that’s their choice. After all, they’re the one’s (I’m assuming) who bought it, and it’s in their house. The whole thing seems a little ridiculous to me, especially the fact that the part that bothers you the most is that you won’t know what their doing. Why does it matter?
Take things that you don’t want them to look through or use/take with you to college (like your journals, nail polish, and clothes you care about). Does it even really matter if your sisters use your nail polish? You’re leaving it behind, so clearly, you aren’t going to be using it. Ask your parents and your siblings to be careful around expensive items that you are leaving behind, like your electric guitar. What have your parents said about your sibling’s borrowing your clothes before? If you would prefer they don’t, talk to your parents and siblings about it. But really, siblings share clothes all of the time. What do you think will happen? If you’re leaving it behind, it’s presumably something you can do without. If it gets ruined or damaged, then tell your sisters they have to replace it.
The thing about no one sleeping in your bed is, quite frankly, very selfish. You’re not using it. Why can’t your dad sleep in it? It’s very nice of your sister to let your dad sleep in her bed. Why can’t you do the same? Especially when you consider the fact that you’re not using your bed. You’re not even there. You’re not really saying that you don’t want anyone to sleep in your bed (or even set foot in your room, apparently) while you’re gone for several months? You really want your dad to kick your little sister out of her bed so yours can gather dust in your room? Wash your sheets when you get home and move on with your life.
Time to take the next step in your life and grow up a little. We can’t hold onto our childhood rooms forever.
I have a different view than the previous commenters. your room is yours. You deserve to come back to the place where you grew up without radical changes. I would talk to both your parents and your sisters about this and set up guidelines about your room. For example, your sisters shouldn’t enter your room and your dad shouldn’t sleep in your bed. I don’t thi you are being selfish, quite frankly I wouldn’t want my dad sleeping in my bed either. Do what feels best for you.
Unless you’ve been paying the mortgage, you don’t own your room, your parent can do anything they want with it. I’m thinking of listing my kid’s room on airbnb.com to help offset some of the college expenses.
Although, I do not touch my son’s room at all when he is away, I would definitely not allow him to tell me what I could and could not do with that room. He may not like it, but he does not own it and technically it is not his room anymore. We are giving him the privilege to come back to it during breaks or during the summer. Not all kids have this privilege. Some must move out after they turn 18. I’m also paying for his rent/dorm room when he is away, too.
If my son had the same concerns as you then yes, I would most likely adhere to it, but not if this room was a needed necessity to the rest of the family.
I do know families that have rented the child’s room out to help with college costs.
It is not practical to expect your family to stay out of your room while you are away at college.
You have plenty of time to pack away all your valuables in your room. Box up your memorabilia, and find a safe place to store your guitar. Take your clothes out of your closet and drawers, fold them up and put them in boxes and tape them shut.
This will give you peace of mind that your things will be safe while you are away.
Expect that your dad may sleep in your bed. Be thankful for your family that loves you enough to support your college dream, and give them some slack for how they live their daily lives in your home while you are away.
@3scoutsmom I think it would be incredibly rude to rent out your child’s room when they are at college. @PERplexD I may have been raised in a different way than your children but I know that my bedroom will always be mine. Calling the fact you allow your son to live in his “former room” during breaks a privilege disgusts me. It is still his home. Yes he doesn’t own it and he’s not a minor anymore but he will always be your son. Despite the fact he is a legal adult, you still have moral and ethical obligations to care for him .
You may think it’s rude but I think you have an incredibly selfish and entitled attitude to expect your parents to provide two residences, one at home and one at school. Exactly how long do you expect them to keep your room ? Do your grandparents still keep an exclusive room for your parents?
BTW, my kids have no problems sharing their space, when we went on our sabbatical trip and were gone for two months we had a family of 7 that needed a place to stay move in while we were gone to house/pet sit. My D has also shared her room with an exchange student. I’m very glad my children can put the needs of the family and the needs of others before their own.
@readingclaygirl Your post is uncalled for…it disgusts you? they need the $ to offset the cost of room and board, then how is that rude? It is reality. Your parents may have assured you that your room will always be there, but they could sell the house the minute you leave for college to cut down on the expense, and when you come home, you’d be staying in a siblings room. if that has to be done, so be it. Parents are not made of $, and a kid old enough to go away to college is old enough to accept that.
If you have siblings who share a room, I think it is rude to expect them to continue doing so while the room sits empty…or if grandma visits, she sleeps on the couch while your bed is untouched? The world does not revolve around the kid going to college. Life doesn’t stop the minute you leave the house. In time, and with some maturity, this will become clear (i hope).
PS: Am I expected to keep my S room even when he gets his own apt? House? Wife/kids? When is it ok to get rid of it?
OP, it’s ok to expect that your personal items (journals, nail polish) are left alone and that your sisters don’t “snoop” through your stuff. However, it’s up to you to then box them up and set them aside.
As for the expectation that your room is left untouched and no one is allowed to sleep in your bed — well, that’s just too much. It is your parent’s home and if they want to sleep in your bed or allow a guest to use your room while you are away, then you need to get used to the idea. Frankly, if they want to turn it into a den, that’s their choice. Though, to me it doesn’t make a lot of sense since you still need a bedroom when you come home, but again, it’s their home to decide how they want to use the rooms.
I would try to have realistic expectations given what you know about your family. Perhaps you can take a box of personal things like your journals with you to college, and box up things you don’t want others to mess with and put them in the attic or whatever.
What happened in my family is unlikely to happen to you, but just so you know the range of what can happen, here’s my story:
I knew that my parents were the opposite of pack rats. They didn’t like extra stuff around, and weren’t sentimental. I took what I could to college and was not surprised (but a bit disappointed) to discover the next summer when I came home that things like certificates, sports medals, and photos had been disposed of when my sister moved into my room (because it was 10 square feet larger, not because she was sharing a room or there was a lack of space). Luckily, I’d taken yearbooks and a few other things like that with me to college. In fact, I shipped most of my science fiction books to college, because I knew they disapproved of that genre. Books I left behind either were adopted by my sister or sent to a thrift store by my parents.
Several years after college, I happened to be visiting my dad and discovered that all the Christmas decorations, including the handmade ones and ones handed down for a generation, were in the back of his truck ready to be dropped off the next time he stopped by the landfill.
I’m sorry, how is it not selfish to expect your dad to sleep in your sister’s bed, rather than your own, even after you’ve moved out and are not using it anymore?
It is not immoral or unethical to rent out a room in your house when you need the money. That’s life. Many parents sacrifice a lot to send their kids to college, and for some people, that’s a very viable way to make ends meet or to ensure that they still have the means to continue supporting their adult children (or their younger children). It’s extremely insensitive (and a little entitled) to call that rude or to imply that it is immoral. It is also not immoral or unethical to let someone else sleep in their bed or to even let a sibling move into the room. That does not mean that they love their adult child any less, that they are no longer welcome in their home, or that they are withdrawing all of their support. Some families just don’t have the luxury to let a room sit unused, and other families might not want to leave the room unused forever. I would hope that a student that is old enough to go away to college is old enough to be able to share their space with other people and be respectful of what’s best for the family. It’s the least you can do, really.
Med, I think you’ve set a record for number of threads that say Help!
My suggestions, FWIW: a) rent a storage locker; or b) put your most private things down in the basement under a pile of junk (they may get thrown out, but it is pretty much guaranteed that no one will read them). Good luck. You’ll have enough to worry about with classes. You shouldn’t have to worry about this, too.
OP, sometimes one has to give up something to get something else in return. I think you have a right to privacy in your home with respect to your personal belongings such as your journals and clothes. I know, however, that younger sisters sometimes fail to respect those boundaries so you should either secure your possessions in a safe place, or bring them with you to school.
Your room itself is another matter. My parents moved my first year in college and I came home to a room I didn’t recognize. Initially, I felt displaced. As time went on, I realized that my parents’ home was really no longer my home. My friends and my life were elsewhere.
My D will be in a similar situation. She wanted to go a private LAC. She didn’t qualify for any FA due, in part, to her stepfather’s income. Neither her stepfather nor her father are paying for her school. The only way I can pay without incurring debt is to sell my house (her home since 1st grade) and downsize. So she will come home this year to a strange room in a strange house. It’s not ideal, but most people have to make sacrifices in some form or another. It’s part of growing up.
What makes u feel so selfishly entitled that you can embark on a new chapter in your life, but the rest of your family has to live in a time capsule?
Take the most sensitive items to school w you, or ask your parents to lock it up in a locker or closet. The rest of it is just stuff. Don’t let stuff own you.
OP, it is really natural to feel the way you do. You will probably feel this way through Thanksgiving Break, and even through Winter Break. I would guess that a year from now, if your parents asked about the room, you would be all “Whatev’s” and not be worried at all. You are on one side of a transition from the only home you know to a college dorm, which probably feels a bit like going to stay at a hotel for an extended sleep-away camp.
You do not realize that you are essentially on a one-way trip, and soon your family’s home will feel more like the hotel stay.
Trust the wisdom of the older generation- you really are leaving pretty much “for good” with extended stays over one or more of the upcoming summers (or maybe not…), and otherwise just popping in for a week or two.
The sooner you can let go and transition, the better it will be for you.
Your feelings are natural at this point in the summer and in your life. Just trust that your parents will hold your best interests in their hearts; and that your “home” is defined by the relationships and people in your life and not by any tangible, physical item- not even a room.
I don’t believe I am a selfish person. I have just always been taught that you always have a home where you grew up. I’m mature enough to realize not everyone has that luxury in life. I’m sorry if I deeply upset or offended anyone.