<p>So my daughter went off to college a month ago (Australia-college starts in February). Her final year at home was very difficult- we fought a lot- mostly over her boyfriend. Her last summer at home was one of the hardest periods of my life. </p>
<p>We had been very close up until that last year of high-school, but it feels like the apron strings have been completely severed now. A month on, and it feels like those years of raising her are becoming an increasingly distant memory and I am more and more moving on emotionally.</p>
<p>I am now really ambivalent about her coming home again for college breaks. She is quite immersed in her college life and her boyfriend and I am not sure what the point would be of her coming back here again. I would need to book her airline tickets soon for winter break if she was to come back. I guess it is tradition for students to come home for the breaks- but I am not sure if it would be good for either of us if she did. I’m not sure if she even wants to come back. </p>
<p>Would I be a terrible mother if I encouraged her to stay put for the breaks? She is well set up where she is with a nice apartment etc and is managing independent life fine as far as I know.</p>
<p>Personally, I loved living at my college, and I would have been thrilled if my parents encouraged me to stay there on breaks (my case was a little different, because I would have had to pay extra to stay there, and it would be pretty expensive). She, like many college students, may feel that the college is her new home. A lot of my friends were ready to go back to campus a week or two into the summer. What I am trying to say is I think it’s a great idea, and she may love it!</p>
<p>If she is interested in coming home, by all means have her come home. Most kids have a period of being and to live with to some degree before they take off to college - if none of them came back, most of US would be very lonely. ! </p>
<p>Being away for the first weeks/months at school may have given both of you the break you needed to get back on track with your relationship. Dont leave yourself wondering if it will work, but give it the opportunity TO work!</p>
<p>Have you had contact with her since she left?</p>
<p>I’m not sure what winter break is or how long it is - but my daughter only comes home for Christmas and for spring break. She doesn’t come home for summer and that started her first year. It was her choice. If I were you I would probably leave it up to her. Just ask her. Tell her you need to book the tickets soon and ask her if she wants to come home for the break or stay there. No strings attached to either choice, just let her decide.</p>
<p>Why don’t you ask her if she wants to come home for break? I “invite” my boys to come home, but most often, with the exception of Christmas, they have more ‘interesting’ things to do and decline. There is often a world of difference between a older teen chaffing at the bit to be independent and the kid that comes home after being personally responsible for every aspect of their life. In my experience, they are a heck of alot more appreciative when they do come home so if she does tell you she wants to come back for a visit it may be a very different young lady on your doorstep.</p>
<p>If they live in Australia, I’m thinking Winter Break may be the equivalent of our “summer vacation” since our seasons are opposite. During our summer, it’s winter in Australia.</p>
<p>Thank you all very much for your replies. Winter break here is about 3 weeks long. I think I will encourage her to stay at college-staying at college sounds like a legitimate option- and maybe we will aim to meet up again at Christmas. I think she would only come back if she felt I expected her to but I think it would just be a backward step for both of us to try and live under the same roof again. At least I did a good job getting her ready for independent life!!</p>
<p>I loved raising my daughter and was a serious helicopter mother- but since she left I realised just how tired I was and how ready I was to do other things with my life. She is happy where she is and I am happy just getting on with my life so all is well I think.</p>
<p>I think if she’s happy with where she is and you’re happy with where she is, perhaps winter break would be a good time for her to see more of Australia while she doesn’t have to study. Probably both of you would be happier with this.</p>
<p>I have to say that I can’t imagine not wanting my Ds to come home on a break from school. Or any other time for that matter. </p>
<p>What a shame that your relationship with your D is such that you apparently have no desire to see her. Even if that’s the case, don’t you want the opportunity to remedy that?</p>
<p>And just because people are family doesn’t mean they can or have to get along living together in the same space for several weeks. I think it would be a BAD plan to try to get the daughter to come home (when she only would when she felt obligated) and for the mom to force it as well. I think this is much healthier.</p>
<p>I reread your original post. At this point, it sounds like this is just you - mom - bringing this up and presenting the suggestion to her to NOT come home. If the first conversation of break is you suggesting to her to not come home - yikes, how might that make her feel? I mean, maybe you should not bring this up and let her handle the arrangements and such and let her on her own make the decision about coming home. You said that most students probably go home for this break- maybe she is assuming she will go home too??? Even for a part of the break??</p>
<p>The issue presented here is the winter break, but is that really the problem?? I wish you the best of luck - please don’t give up or close the door on your relationship over a sour time prior to leaving for college.</p>
<p>I think the plan you outline in your second post sounds sensible.</p>
<p>“Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and by Christmas, you may be happy to see each other again.</p>
<p>It can be emotionally exhausting to deal with a situation such as the one you described, and I can understand that you would just as soon have a break and recover.</p>
<p>I would be very hesitant to ‘encourage’ my student not to come home for the first break. I would absolutely give them the choice. They may very well want to do something else and you can see each other over the holidays. However what if she wanted to come home and felt unwelcome? It’s clear that you’ve moved on in your life, that’s a very healthy thing. I’m not sure why your new life is to the exclusion of your adult daughter, who may be growing into a very lovely young woman. People grow and change…you did. Why do you not think she can do the same? Shut the door on her now and that rejection may result in a permanently damaged relationship.</p>
<p>I would ask her “What do you want to do for Winter Break?” and leave the ball in her court. I tell my kids “Our home is always your home. You are welcome anytime.” But if they choose not to come home - fine. D1 has always found a job somewhere else every summer, so we typically just see her for 2 weeks at Christmas and maybe a week during the summer. Works for us!</p>
<p>I don’t have the sense that this mother is “shutting the door” on the relationship with her daughter.</p>
<p>The OP has the sense that both mother and daughter need some space now. They may well be in touch via email or text, whatever – and there may be anxiety on both sides that a return home would be a return to tension and blow ups, which both may prefer to avoid for the time being.</p>
Yes. Since the OP has to book the tickets (and presumably pay for them), all she needs to do is to ask one time and tell her the deadline for her to get an answer. If d says she wants to think about it (and then possibly never responds back) or if she replies that she doesn’t want to come home, then the OP has her decision.</p>
<p>How about asking her if YOU could visit her and plan a nice sightseeing trip in Australia? It would be on neutral territory and may renew your relationship.</p>
<p>Secondchance, sorry to hear about your relationship with your D. I can understand your POV that it has been only been one month since she has left and sometimes that may not have been enough time for things to “cool” and to start fresh. Her coming back to the same house, same surroundings, etc. may well bring back the same issues, memories and fights. </p>
<p>I like what the ^ECmother recommends. Going to Australia or even exploring other parts of Australia together as a mini vaca could be a place that is fun, exciting place to explore instead of coming back to old turf where there is a high chance of rehashing the past and bad memories.</p>