<p>I really want to apply to some of the lower uc’s and my gpa and sat scores are just average. I have GREAT extra curriculars. I did great (4.0 average) my sophomore and freshmen year. Junior year i took a great downslide on my academics (due to family circumstance, but I know it was my fault). I recovered greatly from my first semester junior year with a whole point gpa increase. And now as a senior I am taking 2 ap classes all honors and currently have a 4.0. </p>
<p>So here is my essay, any feedback will be great </p>
<p>Poor Man’s Shoes
“Donde vas con estos”, my grandma would ask pointing at my feet. I look down and saw my new baby blue flip-flops. She seemed upset and I explained to her that they were my new sandals I received for my birthday. She told me immediately to take them off and put something else on. When I asked her why, she said, “No somos pobres” we are not poor. Confused I took off my sandals and put on my shoes and later told my mom the story. She then explained how my grandma has overcome so much so that her family would never have to wear the poor man’s shoe like she had to.
My grandma lived in Mexico, in a rustic two-room shack, slept on a small bed of hay with five-siblings and walked a quarter mile in her flip-flops, every time she had to use the restroom. At the age of seven her dad pulled her out of school saying women need to work not learn. She loved to learn and begged her dad to let her go to school, but he wouldn’t relent.
When she was 20 she married a man and was in charge of raising seven children. She was physically and emotionally abused by her husband, but was extremely dependent on him. After his death my grandma realized that she must provide a better life for her children. Alone with five young children none older than 13, she decided to chase the American Dream. She and her children in their flip-flops walked many miles and hitchhiked all the way to the USA. She stayed strong for her children who at this point didn’t understand why they were riding in strangers’ cars covered with blankets for what seemed like hours. She made it. However, her struggle wasn’t over. She still had to care for her children in a foriegn environment.
She started her life in a town called Watsonville, California. She lived in a small room no bigger than an average living room, but her life was different. She got a job at a Mexican restaurant and worked two shifts each day making under minimal wage. She was now able to give her children the power of education and bought them all new shoes to represent their new life. She has paved the way for her children and future grandchildren to a new life where they are able to dream and realize their dreams.
I lost my grandma a year ago and it was one of the hardest things in my life. However, whenever I wear a pair of flip flops I am reminded of that day where I thought it was so weird that she was so upset that I had them on. I remember that she was the one who allowed me to dream and be whatever I want, and that I have a choice and don’t have to wear the poor man’s shoe, but rather create my own shoes and make my life based on what I want to be and follow my dreams. She enabled me to be an aspiring Neonatologist because without my grandmother thinking of the future I would not be an educated student determined to reach my goal. I will become a neonatologist and not take any of my blessings for granted and show my grandma that I will never have to wear flip-flops because of my grandma.</p>
<p>I actually like it (rare for me to say). But I do think it needs some editing/clean-up, especially in the last paragraph. For example, I am not at all sure of the grandmother==>neonatologist connection. I also think that there are a few too many words devoted to your grandma and too few words devoted to YOU. That is a common problem when you are describing someone who had a big influence on you. But the story is great, and it will lead to a solid personal statement.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for your input. I will work with the last paragraph for sure. 
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<p>To get rid of some of the story on your grandma and include a bit more about yourself, consider shortening the third and fourth paragraphs. By that point, we all know your grandma had a hard life and I suggest cutting that section in half lengthwise. Then instead of “create my own shoes,” perhaps do you mean you have more choices in your life, including which shoes you will wear? Otherwise the shoe making/neonatologist connection is clunky because it sounds like you would be a shoe making doctor. Finally, I don’t think you want to end on the “I will never have to wear flip flops again” note. Some flip flops are quite nice and the readers of your application might have a closet full of them.The moral of your story is about having opportunities, not a recommendation about footwear.</p>
<p>If you want to send me the changes, please do so.</p>
<p>Yeah, I agree. It’s a really nice story and it ties up very well, but that middle bit needs contracting so you have enough room to write about how you went from inspiring grandmother, to aspiring neonatologist. The connection isn’t there at the moment.</p>
<p>Thank you so much everyone, I will make changes tonight and post asap. </p>
<p>Hmmm good intro, but I want to know more about YOU, not just your grandmother.</p>