would someone please revise my UC personal statement

<p>i've been having a really hard time thinking about what to write, and i have tried a new approach and would really appreciate it if someone would just take 5 minutes to revise it.
THANK YOU</p>

<p>I'm a grammar nazi with way to much time on her hands. I also was accepted to the 5 top-ranked UCs. Feel free to PM your essay to me.</p>