<p>Would you ever consider having a criminal history check done on one of your kids boyfriends/girlfriends if you learned they have a conviction (not for marajuana)?</p>
<p>I would absolutely do a check–then you can present the info to your child and not just have the “I have a bad feeling about this kid” conversation. </p>
<p>Our kids are naive! I remember my mom hating a particular boyfriend of mine who I was madly in love with. Needless to say she was right-- not only did he cheat- but he did it with boys!</p>
<p>I don’t know because I have not walked in those shoes. I will tell you that I once the 17 y/o kid with a BF who had a good male friend who was dangerous. I did not pick up on any danger signs. My mother told me that she did not feel comfortable with me around this young man. All she could tell me was that something did not feel right, and that he has a beard. Well, the beard, and some thing did not feel right did not sound like something worth listening to at the time. I felt that my mother was just trying to ruin my fun. A few months later I broke off with my BF, and he went into the military. I went to college. About one year after our break up, I read about the friend. He was convicted on a violent crime. My mother was spot on. I always felt that I could judge character better than my mother (I usually can), but that time she was right and I was wrong.</p>
<p>I am facing a similar quandary right now with a dear family friend. Her new boyfriend just seems - off. I can’t explain it. He isn’t violent - but things don’t add up and I get a really funny feeling about him. </p>
<p>If I run one, find bad results and tell her, I will most likely lose the friendship. </p>
<p>If I don’t run one, and something bad happens, I couldn’t forgive myself.</p>
<p>The problem is they won’t listen anyway. My daughter dated a dreadful young man - started off early being *very *controlling, in an insidious and disguised as being protective way, which set off all the parental alarm bells. She would not listen to us at all and the more we said the more it enabled him to drive a wedge between us (classic abuser). It escalated into emotional and physical abuse before she finally got out after 2 nightmare years. Then he turned into a stalker and we were on the verge of involving the police before he abruptly stopped (some combo of drugs/alcohol and police involvement led to him leaving town for a while). </p>
<p>Now in retrospect she says we were so right and she just does not understand why she stayed in the situation. But everything we said and did at the time fell on completely deaf ears. But, like littlegreenmom, I could not have not said something.</p>
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<p>That’s very true. My parents didn’t like my boyfriend a few months after we were dating (they liked him at first but then they saw him change while I did not). Turns out he was leading a sort of double life for about 1.5 years where he spent all his money on pot and alcohol. It went very bad very quick for us and then he got arrested. He didn’t have a criminal record before that so the criminal check wouldn’t have mattered. </p>
<p>FWIW, we’re still together and engaged. He is clean and sober. If we were to breakup and he date someone else and the parents found that then it wouldn’t really show the whole story. It was a dumb mistake he made when he was 17. He’s 20 with two jobs and goes to school full time. Now if the arrest was for abuse or something then that is a completely different story. </p>
<p>On another note, we had a woman my mom worked with living with us and renting out a room (she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship). A few months later she brought around a new guy and we were all fine with him but my dog hated him and my dog loves everyone. She would growl, bark, and avoid him at all costs. For this reason my dad ran a background check on him and found out that he was convicted of child abuse and molestation. We presented this to her and told her that either he went or she went. She ended up moving in with him and was abused. She finally got out about 6 months ago (3 years after they moved in together). It was heartbreaking to see. </p>
<p>Always trust the dog!</p>
<p>Sad stories indeed. Although men can be abused physically, it is usually the woman that is abused physically.
Some women think they can’t do any better, some start so young they just think that’s the way relationships are. Some picture the fictional Romeo and Juliet- and think having huge difficulties are not only normal, but are also romantic <em>R & J were teen lovers with their families against them- yet they were in love!</em> Yes, but how well did that work out?</p>
<p>Wow, that is an amazing dog story. And good for your Dad for trusting the dog.</p>
<p>I don’t see the harm in having it done discretely. You can always decide not to share the information with your child if it isn’t too alarming.</p>
<p>I would feel extremely uncomfortable doing something like this, unless I was REALLY worried and had something other than a “bad feeling” to go on. I know my D would be really angry with me, not because I unearthed a criminal record but because of my lack of faith in her judgment. If I were that concerned, I would probably ask the BF directly, point blank. That would really anger the D, but at least it’s not sneaking behind her (or his) back. And, if I felt I had no choice but to do the background check, I would tell my D first.</p>
<p>Yes, definitely. It’s for kid’s safety.</p>
<p>Most of us do more research on prospective companies to work for, or schools to attend, or surgeons operating on us, or financial planners we hire than we do on our boyfriends/girlfriends, or spouses.</p>
<p>Having been in a difficult relationship as a young woman to a man who everyone “liked” but was trouble in a lot of ways, I can see the need for checking out someone - especially before making a big commitment, like marriage.</p>
<p>At least getting a check done would give you the knowledge of criminal behavior. If it shows nothing, that would be good. If it had something negative, at least you could know this before getting too involved.</p>