<p>I think it takes a toll to harbor bad feelings, so I would forgive and keep my distance. Toxic alcoholics are tough to get close to. Perhaps consider contacting Al-Anon to find out more about dealing with alcoholics. </p>
<p>Would be cautious with cousin too, for reasons expressed by others. Would not want him to be considered YOUR problem for any twisted reason.</p>
<p>I’d forgive, but I agree about proceding cautiously with any forgetting. I think you may be being a bit tough on her regarding the drinking. It’s almost impossible to fix a an alcoholic who doesn’t want to be fixed, especially if you are an alcoholic yourself (no matter how high functioning.) Many people when they are ready to go, stop eating and drinking - it’s a relatively painless way to go. </p>
<p>I agree to be cautious with your cousin. You want to be helpful, but you certainly don’t want to be responsible.</p>
<p>I agree with the civility plus keeping your distance approach. </p>
<p>I do think that it is completely unfair to blame her for your uncle’s drinking: NO ONE can stop an alcoholic except themselves. I’m wondering what was said to this woman by the other members of the family over the years. The estrangement may not have been wholly her fault.</p>
<p>Many years ago, H told me that the wife of a BIL “cursed at MIL and made her cry.” I subsequently found out that what really happened was that FIL and MIL had said they would help BIL and wife with a down payment. They decided to go in with her parents on a duplex, where her parents would use their half only occasionally. (This was in FL and her parents lived near NYC.) MIL had the temerity to tell the BIL’s wife that her parents were clearly just trying to get money out of MIL/FIL because they couldn’t afford to buy it themselves. I told H that if MIL ever said anything like that to me about MY parents, I would make her cry, all right!</p>
<p>As for the young man, I’d keep an eye on the situation and see if a helping hand could be extended. </p>
<p>(Another thing: direct cremation costs about $1500. A beautiful memorial service can be almost or literally free. Given that, it is always hard for me to understand why people spend thousands of dollars they don’t have on “funeral arrangements.” But that is neither here nor there.)</p>
<p>I say forgive. Counterintuitively, forgiving her is a gift you give yourself. I would cautiously try to include her in your life more whilst keeping your emotional guard up. Agreed that the cousin may become your responsibility. The alcoholism and the emotional history (is it possible that she has some form of personality disorder?) make it hard to be optimistic about a loving, healthy relationship, but I think you should take some small baby steps in that direction. I forgave my SIL for some truly awful behavior of hers over the years (to my bro, me, and my mom), and I feel so much better. We are not close, but I feel happy that I have stopped being angry and am able to accept the situation as is. I know I tried to have the loving, healthy relationship!</p>
<p>Forgive, yes. Forgiving is not condoning, nor is it a commitment of friendship. It’s simply a decision not to carry around the burden of anger and resentment for the rest of your life. As someone said above, unforgiveness hurts you a lot more than it hurts her. So let it go. </p>
<p>Forget, no. You know what kind of person she is, and you don’t want that in your life. But once you truly forgive, you won’t be thinking about her much.</p>
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<p>Yes, I recently heard this: “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.”</p>
<p>One can truly forgive yet know that it’s wise to keep contact to a minimum or at least keep it light and cordial when one must associate with the person.</p>
<p>As to the OP, I second the notion about avoiding judgment regarding the aunt’s failure to stop her husband from drinking. You truly are not privy to the intimate details of that relationship, so you cannot possibly know what she tried or didn’t try, how she felt about it, or anything else. It’s impossible to know what goes on behind the closed doors of a marriage with any certainty.</p>
<p>If you’re made of better stuff than you aunt then of course you help. If you’re made of the same cold apathy then ignore them. The choice is yours. BTW the memory of school and jobs and money will fade, but helping your cousin will be an accomplishment that will not fade.</p>
<p>It helps if one tries to step back and be objective about the situation as much as possible. I could paint numerous soap opera dramas about your family that justifies the way your aunt treated your family but I cant because I dont have all the pieces to the puzzle. For instance, it is possible your uncle was abused and since you are only a nephew you are not in the loop on the familys deep, dark secrets. Your uncles wife may have felt that the entire family ganged up on her and was in a damned if you do and damned if you dont situation. On the other hand, she and your uncle may be both alcoholic boors. Who knows? She has her story and you have your story. </p>
<p>If I were in your situation, I would do my best to be objective and try to help the son within reason and continue to be cordial to your uncles wife. What do you have to lose? She may turn out to be actually a good person or she may turn out to be needy and toxic. If the latter turns out to be true then you are back to square one and have the choice to distance yourself from her. By offering your hand now you will be comforted with the fact that you opened the door to someone who possibly needs some aid.</p>
<p>It takes a big person to admit that they were in the wrong, especially something that has already caused much hurt and turmoil. That alone is worth something but IMO the ball is in her court to prove to you all that she is not all talk. Giving her a chance doesn’t mean you have to go all in ( every holiday etc) either. Take it slow and see how it goes.</p>
<p>I would have a very hard time inviting an active alcoholic or drug addict into my life, even someone who is more closely related than this aunt by marriage.</p>
<p>Trust is not an all-or-nothing thing. It is earned in stages. I say forgive because she has apologized. But she has to earn your trust. The cynical part of me thinks there may be some financial motivation for her apology. But that’s neither here nor there at this point. You owe her nothing and it was very kind of you to pay for the service. Because of her tirade against your grandmother and her continued drinking, I would be very cautious in letting her much closer. She has to earn your trust, little by little.</p>
<p>That said, your uncle’s alcoholism was his own, and I doubt she could have intervened in his heavy drinking over the last year. I agree that she could have called 911 when he was in his room over the last two weeks. But if he was really abusive to her, maybe she saw this as her way to escape. I’m slow to assign blame in situations like that.</p>
<p>You sound like a very fine person. Best wishes to you.</p>
<p>You have no idea what the family dynamics really are. It’s possible that there is more going on than you may know under the surface, especially if your uncle was an alcoholic. I am on no contact with my MIL, but not because I am a terrible person. It’s because she is a narcissist, and the family is dysfunctional. Everyone in the family walks on eggshells around her, worried that they will set her off. But the outside world thinks she is so sweet and generous and the family is normal. They haven’t seem what happens if she feels she has been slighted. I decided to keep away for my own mental health. I was raised in a normal family with a normal mother, so it’s been a shock to me to see what a dysfunctional family is like. Just saying, there may be more to this story. There usually is.</p>
<p>It’s true that you may not know the whole story. It’s possible that your uncle was well aware of his health situation, was clear about no hospital or doctor and/or had a living will or a DNR. Then again, your version could be the correct one.</p>
<p>Proceed with caution. You said you saw things that showed she is still the same person. No need to be mean, but be careful.</p>
<p>This woman was married to an alcoholic who died of his disease. The stress she was living under, for decades, must have been immense. </p>
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<p>I suggest you make contact with Al-Anon (for family of an alcoholic) and talk to other people and become educated about what killed your relative and whether anyone else caused it, could have cured it, or might have been able to control it (hint: no). I am sorry but your uncle caused his own death. No one else.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t.</p>