Would you forgive and forget?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This is going to be a long post, so bear with me.</p>

<p>Here is the background: My uncle’s wife was never close to our family. She married my uncle (my mom’s brother) when I was 14. She never hid that she disliked me. We stopped talking to each other about 12 years ago, when I reprimanded her son for doing something inappropriate at a birthday party. Ever since she always ignored me and got really angry with my uncle when he talked to me. Then, about 7 years ago, she had a huge blow-out with my mom and ever since they cut all contact with our side of the family. They rarely visited my grandmother (my uncle’s and my mom’s mother).</p>

<p>Over the years my mom tried to reconcile with her brother, but it never happened. They never tried to make that step.</p>

<p>My uncle has always been an alcoholic. Recently he passed away. He drank himself to death. When this happened, his wife let us know and we helped with the arrangements.</p>

<p>After the funeral, my uncle’s wife approached me and apologized for the years she treated me like dirt. She also apologized to my mom for the huge argument that led to my uncle and my mom not speaking to each other. </p>

<p>On one hand, I feel like it is a good thing to forgive and forget. She does not have any relatives (other than their son) in this country, as we are all immigrants. So, as a human being I feel bad for her.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I don’t completely believe her. When she apologized she mentioned that it was not because of the money (I had to pay substantial sum of money towards the funeral costs because she did not have the money). It did not occur to me that her apology was about the money until she mentioned it. </p>

<p>In addition, at the wake she spewed so much hatred towards my grandmother, that she reminded me of the way she always was. A good person would have felt bad for a mother that just lost her son, regardless of disagreement they might have had in the past. By the way, she did not even bother to let my grandmother know, she left it for my mom and me to do (it was horrible).</p>

<p>I also blame her partially for my uncle’s death. After the funeral we found out, that he was not eating and drinking in the last 2 weeks. Nor was he getting up from his bed to go to the bathroom. Yet, his wife did not even bother to call 911 to see if doctors can help him. I am not even going to mention, that she did not intervene with his very heavy drinking in the last year. I feel sick when I think about it.</p>

<p>Nevertheless, she is (kind of) part of the family. And I have a cousin (their son) who needs a lot of help. He is 24, has never worked, doesn’t have a driver license and not completely normal in his head. He is completely capable to perform a manual labor and even get a trade job. But he needs help with direction. </p>

<p>So, the question is, should I be a better person and try to be close to my aunt and her son, who even in better times wanted nothing to do with me? Or do I say, that she had 25 years to make it right?</p>

2

<p>I’d smile nicely and chat about nothing important whenever you find yourselves at a get together that someone else arranged.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t say or do anything hurtful, but I would also keep my distance emotionally.</p>

3

<p>She is who she is, and will always be at this stage of the game. But not to defend such horrible behavior towards you and your family all these years, living with an alcoholic could not have been pleasant and she may not have had any support system to lean on during the marriage and in turn she may have lashed out at her husband’s family because she somehow blamed them for his being that way. She probably hated her life, and her husband at the end in ways you might not ever know.</p>

<p>She can’t take back the things she said, and you can’t erase the hurt and anger from your mind. But now that the major stressor is gone from her life you may give detente a trial period to see if she can just “get along” with the family instead of what went on before. The son is not to blame for his mother’s behavior and should not be lumped together with her as a unit. Perhaps you can work on him to get him to a better place and in turn you would be honoring your deceased uncle who couldn’t even help himself.</p>

4

<p>I wouldn’t invite her to move in with you.</p>

5

<p>It sounds like her change of heart had been recent and led by self interest.
I would be wary & protect myself.
But I agree not to lump your cousin in with his mother.
I also agree with Vot. I expect he was not just a drunk but a mean drunk and it doesn’t sound like her family ( which would be ops family in this country) gave her support.</p>

6

<p>Forgive - yes. Forget - no. You saw evidence that she has not changed who she is (how she treated your grandmother). Quite possibly she apologized because she appreciated that you gave a good amount of money towards her husbands funeral. How very nice of her to be nice to you at that time (note the sarcasm) as it was really the minimally decent thing to do. </p>

<p>I’d keep her at arms length. Be polite to her but I would not suggest trusting her.</p>

7

<p>I’m a terrible forgiver and an even worse forgetter. It’s not one of my better qualities. But the older I get, the more I appreciate the toll it takes, emotionally and physically, to carry around resentment. They say that forgiveness is more for the “forgiver” than the “forgive-ee”. And I think there’s alot of truth to that. I think if not forgiving her is taking something (even something intangible) away from your life, than it’s in your best interest to forgive. If not, as others have suggested, I would just “make nice” when the opportunitiy arises, and leave the rest alone for her to deal with.</p>

8

<p>I would choose to err on the side of small kindness and smile when spoken to-although maybe “guarded kindness” would be better…You seem very caring in wanting to help the son and hopefully that will be met posatively-if you can set the bar very low and expect nothing knowing that she hasn’t totally changed as she was still unkind at the wake(of all places)and keep a thick skin,then hopefully,you can start to build a new relationship with the family…best of luck and I am sorry for your loss…</p>

9

<p>I don’t think you will ever be close, but you have to live with your conscience in how you treat her. If you happen to be in the same place, you should be courteous and pleasant. If you find out that she is in true need and you are in a position to help, you should probably help in the same way you would probably help anyone else.</p>

10

<p>I am taking all the advice here into consideration and I wanted to clarify several things:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>She was drinking with my uncle. I believe she is a functioning alcoholic, while he was an alcoholic who could not stop.</p></li>
<li><p>Of course I will be courteous to her when I see her. I always was. Even when she did not speak to me, I would always greet her when I saw her. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>I have no problem to be polite. The real question I have is whether or not to be more than acquaintances.</p>

11

<p>I agree with vot123 and emeraldkity - the son, your cousin, should not be held accountable for his mother’s actions. If there is any way you could help direct him (assuming he would take your advice) toward a more productive path in life, then that would be a kind and generous thing for you to do. It sounds like he needs your help.</p>

12

<p>I don’t think you have enough data points yet to know how she will behave in the future and therefore how to treat her going forward. So in the meantime, I agree with the others who advise you to be civil and nice but not to expect anything.</p>

13

<p>If she is still drinking, no, I would not associate with her. There is a strong chance that through your kindess, you would become an enabler. Forgive, yes, forget, no, but don’t let it consume you. If someone else does “a crime”, you should not “do the time”. I have always admired people who do not let toxic people become part of their lives.</p>

14

<p>I take each person as s/he is and at the time and circumstances when I deal with anyone. There is a lot of territory between outright animosity and embracing someone as family. Take things as they come, as you and your mother did with your uncle. When he died, none of you HAD to pay for the funeral expenses. You and you mother did what was appropriate despite the circumstances. There are times when these things should be set aside. I have a friend who recently did the same with a half brother of hers who passed away, and his kids didn’t have the money for any funeral director. It would have been Potters Field if she and some other family members did not pitch in. You do what the decent thing to do is, but you pick and choose where you feel she should be included in your life and when it is perfectly fine not to have her there. I don’t include everyone in everything nor do my friends and family. </p>

<p>Lerkin, I have several family members that need help in direction, but know well that they are not about to take any from me and it would mean more trouble and animosity to offer anything other than quick and easy fixes. That’s just the way they live their lives. So, when there is family reason to all get together, I am polite and if they need something that doesn’t put me out too much, I’ll oblige. But I’m not about to get emotionally invested or try to give advice unless given a straight out question. </p>

<p>Example, the one cousin is eligible to start getting soc sec and so I sent her some articles that pertain to her situation and wrote out what I would do in her case–take her soc sec benefit now and then stop and switch to her ex’s at a later age as that would max her out. I also gave some advice regarding colleges which was all ignored since I know nothing about those things, as everyone knows, so I let it go at that and kept it very nice and light. </p>

<p>I’ll pay a little extra to keep the niceness perception, but some people just are not, and are not people you want heavily in your life unless they undergo a huge change and show it outright. I just don’t have the time to deal with people like that. So if the occasion does come up when not dealing with them is really being rude and inappropriate, I do what I can, but save whatever I give to one time shots rather than weaving it into a relationship and making commitments.</p>

15

<p>People tend to have unusual behavior at times of emotional stress. Her being nice was unusual, and maybe self-servingly fake. Her nastiness is not going to suddenly go away. She will most likely start by asking for small favors, then larger, wheedling her way into your lives. Don’t let it happen. </p>

<p>Life is a lot better when you surround yourself only with good people. Your well-being was never her priority; her well-being should not be yours. Be polite to the cousin, but his guidance is not your responsibility.</p>

16

<p>Watch out for the potential trap: If you offer guidance to the cousin, he may become – in his mother’s eyes – your responsibility. So when he doesn’t do well, it may be your fault.</p>

<p>No good deed goes unpunished!</p>

17

<p>Forgive and forget.</p>

<p>This is an excellent time to be the bigger person. She has a lifetime of petty grievances and it may take a while for her to let go of them, not just a single kind act.</p>

18

<p>I think you can forgive, forget, and go forward without expectations. Your uncle’s wife is not likely to change. Only the object of her anger will change, as you saw with her treatment of grandmom. Will her anger return to you at some future time?</p>

<p>I don’t think I’d seek her out, or be overly nice. Alcoholics can be masterful manipulators. In this case, she gave away her motivation for being nice to you when mentioning the money for the funeral. </p>

<p>For myself, I would forgo the sure-to-emerge drama. </p>

<p>But your question was about whether you should ‘try’ to be close. What I’m suggesting is that maybe you take a little step and see where it goes. Your closeness may not be wanted. Or you might just be used. I would take it very slow, and try to forget about accomplishing anything with contact, besides just reaching out. I really think in this case you are likely to get burned, based on my personal life experience with alcoholics. And I don’t think that it is the high road, or makes you a better person, to try to help, as you have suggested. It could just be a fool’s errand. So protect yourself and take it slow.</p>

19

<p>Forgive, but don’t forget. Think of her as being on probation (but don’t tell her that). Most likely, you will have to keep her at a distance.</p>

<p>But I have to say, really horrible people never apologize. Not even a fake apology. So there is some glimmer of hope.</p>

20

<p>You do what you want to do. I am not close to anybody, even people that I love. We are simply all in different places doing our own things. I do not feel any bad about anybody, including myself. Whatever suits is always the best. You are not responsible for your cousin either. He still has his mother and by no means anybody should think (including you) that you are obligated to help him. I help if I want and my help is very generous, much more than most other people would ever be helping others, but this is it, it is MY CHOICE. So, from my prospective, do whatever suits you personally. But again, you are not me. So, whatever suits you might not be enough from the prospective of what you feel as an obligation towards your cousin. And again, I feel that you have none.</p>