done things, with or without your child’s knowledge, in an attempt to ‘prop-up’ your child? It can be something as
Joey couldn’t complete his homework last night because I had a headache (lol) to, hiring somebody (or, DIY) to ‘help’ with college essays.
No
I support my kids all the time. But not in the way I think you mean.
Three years ago, my husband was near death in the ICU. I contacted the teachers of all 3 kids to keep them in the loop. Yep, it got them extensions on assignments; they weren’t in any condition to come home and write a paper on tornados for Science class after leaving the ICU at 11 pm.
But if you’re asking whether I’ve ever faked a reason for my kids not to do their work, then no.
In fact, a few weeks ago I got into trouble. It was an icy day and my daughter’s school didn’t close for road conditions. She doesn’t get a bus, because we’re a hair short of the necessary mile away from the school to qualify for a bus. She’s recovering from a concussion (which, incidentally, she received in gym class.) I didn’t want her walking home on the ice.
So I called and told the truth. Her chemistry teacher (who, to be fair, is a young teacher and apt to follow the very letter of the law in all rules) saw that it was labeled an illegal absence. So he told her she would have a zero on a take home test that was due that day.
I wrote the AP a pretty lengthy letter citing my case. The zero was removed and the AP offered an apology.
So, sure, I go to bat for my kids and “prop them up” when I think they need the support… But I don’t lie.
“Help” with college essays? Heck, my kids have graduated and I have yet to see their college essays.
We expected them to do their own homework and they did.
Mom or Dad used to stay up reading or doing work if I was up late finishing projects or studying…they swear they were up anyhow…parent white lies…
Comforting to be working at 3am and hearing them shuffling around in the next room…
I wonder who would admit it if they did, at least the probably crossing a boundary kind of help. But we have certainly gone to bat for our kid when something was happening with school that seemed unfair.
I kept track of S2’s activities during HS so, when it came time to complete his college apps, I could remind him of a couple that he forgot about. I also hired a tutor for him for the SATs.
For S1, I got him a tutor and that same person helped him with his college essay. I also nudged S1 at a college night at his HS to ask a question of the rep from the college he really wanted to attend. He didn’t want to ask and I made him. I wanted him to stand out to the rep.
So yeah, I’m kind of nudging and interfering and helicopter-y. But I never did what these parents in the scandal did.
Nothing illegal or immoral, but when youngest was diagnosed with a type of epilepsy I shared more info with his teachers and a couple others at school so they could be on the lookout for problems - physical or mental.
Otherwise, the most I did is check the box for “nagging mother” when I knew deadlines were coming up, etc, and researched colleges I thought my lads would be interested in - they chose the colleges they applied to and went to (within our financial constraints). They knew about all of that, of course.
I think a big key here is “with or without your child’s knowledge”. And of course, “with or without” legality! 
Nothing out of the ordinary. I was happy to read and review papers and give opinions. Did some of the college exploration online to come up with schools to visit. Kept an excel file of application details for colleges. So some of the organization so they could see deadlines and all that. Helped them problem solve when they were weighing decisions. In terms of financial aid did seek the process of repackaging offers, making sure we explored all scholarship/aid offers, etc. - but nothing without their knowledge or presence.
I helped my youngest when he was overwhelmed. Not did assignments for him, but sat with him and talked it out, threw ideas out to get his juices going. Sometimes he needed just a teeny bit of help and other times, a bit more because he would start becoming anxious and confused. A bit more explaining, talking out, more of a “teacher” role. If the goal of school is to learn, then just fumbling around confused is not doing any good. I felt like when I helped him,he truly was learning, and that’s the goal of education. I only stepped in when necessary.
I helped my oldest not get panic attacks from being forced to write poems in English class. I didn’t write the poems, but I showed him ways he could complete the assignment by basically doing parodies of existing poems. I don’t think I ever lied. I knew other parents who gave their children (and themselves) “mental health days”, but I never did. When we took off a few days early for Thanksgiving Break we didn’t make fake excuses.
I have, probably more times than I remember…
When my S was in 2nd grade, my H took him on a relatively lengthy (2.5wks) Asia business trip; while S’s classroom teacher wasn’t happy about it, there was nothing she could do. As ‘punishment’ the teacher gave him, what seemed to be an equally lengthy writing assignment - bear in mind he was about 6.5 at the time! Anyway, they came home from the trip, and that weekend, we went to Michael’s where I purchased scrapbooking supplies. I made the scrapbook, and then I had him dictate to me the captions and a few short paragraphs, which I typed and stuck in the book. Anyway, long story short - S still has that scrapbook, he developed a love of ‘strange’ foods, and he decided to learn one of the languages from his travels; that was twelve years ago, and he kept up the language learning. Imagine how well he speaks that language now!
Another time, he was taking an online language learning through his school; the Skype sessions were at all hours of the day and night, which frankly, I found both ridiculous and frustrating and he was always so tired. Anyway, after several weeks, during the the mid term exams, his oral was scheduled for 3am; I told him not to do it but he insisted. He waited for the examiner for an hour and she was a Skype No-Show. At the end of the session he was given a F
I was furious. I went to the school and brought with me the entire package of email communications between him and the tutor where he was telling her he had 'turned in work / sent her an email / please respond to my emails / what is the assignment for next week / I waited for you in class today you did not show etc ’ I had a meeting with the Head of Languages, the HS Dean, Counselor etc., I gave them each a folder with all of the communications and homework assignments and told them my S was dropping the class due to non-cooperation of the other side. They agreed, and that was that.
Despite the fact he didn’t want it, I did hire a college counselor. I needed somebody to keep on top of the process; I couldn’t do it. I have no idea how the system works in this country, well, maybe I do now :)) and I wanted to make sure he was on top of what he needed to do. Anyway, that backfired on me, he hated her and she quit!
I know there are a ton of other instances where I can say that I have not always been ‘the silent partner’ - but I’ve never bribed anybody, and I’ve never done anything illegal - not even a parking ticket! Yay, for me! :))
I’m sure there are MANY instances of “questionable assisting” with those parents that participate here - but if these instances will be revealed, well that is questionable!
@abasket 
:))
I think the kids knew if I went to bat for them. My MO was to get them to try first and if that didn’t work, then I’d get involved.
But I do remember one kid’s Bar Mitzvah teacher was really harsh. Her MO was to belittle kids who weren’t moving along quickly enough, which was most kids. I told her to cut it out because with this kid it was counterproductive. It made him more anxious. She was scary to parents as well as kids (!) and surprised I told her to stop. But she did stop and the kid did fine. (It didn’t help that his brother was extremely adept at languages and music and sailed thru the prep.) I never told him I did that.
I have gone to bat for my kids quite a few times, but always with their knowledge. As a matter of fact, my kids have asked, “Can you just pull a mommy?” (in my family we all knew what it meant) Definitely nothing illegal.
I think the only thing I did without my D’s knowledge was to email the guy in charge of National Honor Society a few days before applications were due to ask if she had everything in. D was in the hospital and not really able to think about it, let alone get to a computer to talk with him herself. I am not sure why I didn’t tell her I was going to do that even though I knew it was her job. I would not have done it if she had been able to be in school and talk with him herself.
I also may have called my dad and suggested he call D if I saw she was struggling with math. He is a retired high school calculus teacher and helped her out several times.
I have done things some might not “approve of” - I admit it. When I went to my kids second grade class and the teacher talked about how my son wasn’t doing his work, and how important it was, I assured her if she sent it home I would make him do it.
When I saw it was Failure to glue Santa’s beard on (I am not making this up), WE glued Santa’s beard on. (There was another similar project he didn’t do, but I can’t remember what it was).
We had somewhat of an “unwritten rule” when my kids were growing up. They got at most one day a year of “oops I’m not feeling well and BTW I didn’t finish my project” time. Most years it wasn’t used, but I know at least one it was, and I was driving around way late looking for a science project board at places that might be open.
I filled out the college app stuff like name, address, social security number, etc., but I did none of the essays or anything like that. I most certainly engaged with the financial aid/scholarship office, and I didn’t feel like my kid needed to approve me doing it. (We qualified for NO financial aid, but they could and did choose to increase his merit money).
Oh wait,.,haha…I forgot this one with my older son. He was the teen we were pulling our hair out over. He did’nt get into our big 10 state school, no surprise there. So, there is a mid-size university he got into. He also got accepted into the satellite of the big 10 school in our city. He was turning his nose up to 2 of the small state safety schools, although he eventually applied to one.
So before he found out if he was accepted by ant of them, DH came home one day to find me filling out the damn application to the 2nd safety school (no essay). DS must have gotten on my last nerve. I told DH, “if he has to go to this school because it’s the only one that accepts him, he’s going. I don’t care if I have to fill out the damn application myself. I am not taking the chance of him staying home!!!” LOL! DH laughs when he tells that story now.
He ended up at the mid size school.
I admit extensive hovering over the college application process. But believe me, my daughter was aware:). It drove her crazy. She was struggling on the essay and I suggested 3 or 4 topics and she used one. I did proofread the essay at the last moment. But I didn’t send $500,000 off to a counselor or ACT proctor!!
And I may have filled out an app for a safety school and forced it on her.