D had a dance solo when she was a senior, and she had a specific piece of music she wanted to use. But at her studio the teacher almost always chose the music, and D just couldn’t bring herself to pipe up about her preference. This despite the fact that Miss Jenny is the gentlest soul in the world, and D had been taking her classes since preschool days.
One evening I ran into Miss Jenny and told her about it, and she said “Leave it to me.” At the next lesson, she said to D, “I don’t know, I’m just not feeling this music for you” which gave D the opening she needed. It ended up being a fabulous piece, and D’s favorite that she ever did at the studio. Neither Miss Jenny nor I ever told her our little secret.
So, yeah, guilty as charged, and I’m sure it wasn’t the only time.
And, for the record, I’ve also played Mama Bear to some of my students, changing and bending the rules to accomodate one crisis or another. I haven’t always been fair-- allowing one student a makeup and not the other, when the first was in crisis and the second wasn’t.
I’m trying to imagine what kind of message a parent is sending when they do a child’s homework or project for them, no matter the reason. Seems like the better message would be, “hey, you can’t get this project done on time. Life is like that sometimes. Sometimes the consequences sting a little, but in the end, you move on and the world doesn’t stop turning. How can we help you better manage your time for the next project”?
^^^ I think that what this shows (after reading some of the above posts) is that the parent intervening was potentially the result of some (some, key word!) teachers or administrators who were difficult to communicate with or reason with. Some teachers will be very rigid and not consider a situation. Or be very unapproachable. So parents just did what they needed to get past that roadblock.
Note that I’m very supportive of admin and teachers overall but we have all encountered that “one” who IS a roadblock or unreasonable.
I also want to applaud @3SailAway for doing those word searches for her dyslexic son. So inappropriate that he would even have that assignment!!! Sounds like a nightmare!
I’m betting that 99% of the time, the “crisis” is actually no crisis at all. Making a bad grade in elementary school as the result of one missed assignment or project is a learning opportunity, not a “crisis.”
Thanks, @abasket ! He had a word search almost every week all year—two quarters of weekly spelling units and two quarters of vocabulary.
I think the different responses to bending “the rules” are partly a personality thing. Some people prefer to follow the letter of the law no matter what, and others are more inclined to be flexible depending on circumstances. I used to fall more in the first camp, and I understand the reasoning. But, then the universe gave me a child for whom towing the line simply doesn’t lead to success. His middle school teachers say he’s respectful, kind and helpful, and he knows how to ask for what he needs to make things work for his learning challenges. So, I didn’t ruin him?.
High school here and not elementary, but when I’m full time I often work with kids regarding assignment due dates. Not only are there some real crisis situations (parents in hospital sorts of things), there are also sports, work, and other things going on. I’ve told kids to let me know what else is going on in their lives when they can’t get things done by X date and we’ll see how to deal with it. Often they do this ahead of time when they know things are going to happen - and sometimes then I can reason out a time to work on it with them which gets it done on time. When it’s in hindsight it’s a case by case basis but the honesty set up also has kids telling me, “I just forgot - sorry.” For that honesty I’ll often allow one “oops” situation - usually very appreciated and with more dedication not to forget next time.
In my full time classes it’s rare that kids don’t have things done - most want to please with the way I set things up. I prefer it that way. If kids get an unbending boss at some point or another they can learn to deal with it then. I like to think the example I teach/encourage helps build better bosses of the future. Life is rarely black and white. Teaching to think, work around things, and being open to what’s best for all is a life skill I like conveying.
That said, once in a while I get a student who is definitely executive functional challenged. Then it’s cool seeing some of the other students gather around that peer trying to help them out. There are usually still some zeros involved, but nonetheless, improvement happens - almost totally from positive encouragement.
Not all things are due to lack of time management by kids. If your kid is having a crisis due to health issues (their own or loved ones) and teachers/faculty aren’t willing to work with family, I think it’s reasonable for parents to try to help lighten the load. I especially feel this way if it’s to help complete an ungraded busywork project that doesn’t add anything academic to a child’s already heavy load.
For a crisis to “not be a crisis 99% of the time” you must be thinking of a privileged group of kids. Heck, I had a camp job with priviledged kids at a point and I was amazed at the scope of crises of various stripes. My local district has a massive swath of the socioeconomic spectrum and part of what we are learning about poverty is that the unexpected crises come up far too frequently. @Creekland I love your compassion as explained above.
“I’m betting that 99% of the time, the “crisis” is actually no crisis at all. Making a bad grade in elementary school as the result of one missed assignment or project is a learning opportunity, not a “crisis.””
If you are a seventh grader in Chicago and middle class or above attempting to get into a selective enrollment high school, (where you must get straight A’s to have any shot) making a B, let alone a bad grade, will cost your parents more than 100k to get you into an equivalent school. That’s what I’d call a crisis and why some parents of 7 th graders I know literally did their kids homework for them
Also, if your loved one has a chronic illness that severely curtails her stamina, having her do ungraded busywork art projects is a huge energy drain and further would lessen remaining stamina for academics.
One really can’t know what it’s like without living with a kid who looks great, is smart but has an invisible chronic illness that often leaves said kid bedridden.
a crippling episode of something-- anxiety, seizures, diabetes, asthma, whatever
a suddenly crumbling family dynamic-- parents divorcing or constantly fighting, a sibling facing serious issues
you or someone you love facing addiction issues of some sort
there are more examples, but I think you get my drift.
I’m guessing that some of you might be surprised at the issues that the classmates of your kids are facing. I’ve seen kids on this forum referred to as “slackers” and worse because they somehow don’t measure up to the standards that the majority of kids on this forum are able to attain- or claim to attain. Most kids are not the kids on this forum, fighting for that 4.3 weighted average and lamenting the fact that there aren’t more Ivies to which they can apply. And even those kids, the golden kids, often have issues at home.
But I’ve also seen kids go through things that would break your heart. I saw a kid who was absolutely destined for greatness-- he had the smarts, the looks, the popularity, the family connections, the money, all of it-- fall apart senior year because of psych issues. He barely graduated after a long stint in a psych ward. I’ve seen kids with bright futures have them crumble because of the choices of their parents. I know a kid who lost her entire family in a car accident when she was in 6th grade… and ended up moving across the country to live with her aunt-- she’s now a sophomore at my school. And I’ve been to far, far too many funerals for kids. I’ve taught kids who made poor choices and ended up in jail. I’ve taught kids who have chosen suicide, and many who have mourned for others who have chosen suicide.
If your child has been lucky enough to be untouched by a real crisis, then get down on your knees and thank God.
But please don’t assume that everyone who claims that something is wrong at home is Lori Loughlin, trying to scam the system. The vast majority are parents just trying to help their kids get a little piece of the future that so many here seem to see as their birthright.
If parents are trying to justify doing their kids’ work for them because of health problems or family crises, I can’t get onboard with that. Going to bat for them with faculty, getting accommodations made for family emergencies and deaths and such and taking it up the ladder when denied, yes…but rationalizing doing kids’ work for them…no. All that teaches them is that their parents are dishonest. JMO.
I confess I’ve done a lot of cutting, gluing and even coloring for DS in elementary and early middle school. His fine motor skills weren’t the greatest and I didn’t think art and craft abilities were that essential for a history or science class. I tried to make sure he eventually learned to do this things himself, but luckily he can do posters and stuff on a computer now, so the next time he needs to do crafts will probably be when his own kids are in school.
It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, but no, it teaches them that some folks are inflexible and when that happens you find a work around that helps.
What you talk about is why I work with the students - no parents need be involved. Sometimes I check things out via guidance and then parents because there have been times when the youngster has lied - good to know and deal with - and times when the parents need help, but don’t know what’s available or where to get it (lost job, medical issue came up, etc, and the state provides help so the school can provide connections).
That said, some kids lost the birth lottery and have cwappy parents (as in, drink away the paycheck while there’s an empty fridge or oodles of other stories I could tell - far, far cwappier than the previous) and it really helps to be able to teach the youngsters how to succeed in life. The first lesson they need to learn is they haven’t lost yet. Of course, those parents aren’t doing assignments for their kids… but their kids are the most likely to not have them done - until they find someone they want to work for.