It’s the parents’ money so they can spend it how they like. One thing that’s not so predictable is how much money they might end up needing. Anyone who’s checked into the costs of assisted living facilities and skilled nursing facilities knows that funds can get used up rapidly and that the parents should retain a nest egg if possible to be able to fund it themselves rather than having their 30/40/50 y/o kids squander the money through their own irresponsible use of it rather than grow up and be responsible for themselves.</p>
<p>I’ve never understood the ‘spending my inheritance’ mentality. The money’s ‘not theirs’ and isn’t an inheritance until and unless the parents actually designate it so and even then they can change their minds at any time.</p>
<p>If one of my kids had children and the other did not, I would only favor the one with kids in this way: the child with kids would get the family history heirlooms to pass on to great grandchildren and so forth.</p>
<p>I know families in which old photos, war medals, and antiques were sold or discarded before the other side of the family knew they were gone. (childless couple’s estate went to nieces and nephews of the ‘other’ side, who did not care anything about them).</p>
<p>My grandmother died a couple weeks ago. She left each grandchild a flat amount of money, as I described upthread. </p>
<p>Several years ago GM started 529 plans for her great-grandchildren. She seeded the 529s with an amount that was half of what she bequeathed to us grandchildren. So much time has passed that the great-grandchildren will now inherit more in their 529s than we grandchildren will get with our pre-set bequest. And, due to age-based funds, what started out as equal seed money has grown to account balances that vary wildly. (And one unborn great-grandchild gets nothing.) </p>
<p>Oh well. That’s how it goes sometimes. Nobody’s really a loser. It’s just not always even.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you lost your grandmother DougBetsy. I still miss mine ten years later.</p>
<p>My MIL has given each grandchild the same generous sum at college graduation. First graduated in 1990. Sixth and next to last graduated last year. It had a lot more purchasing power 21 years ago, but that’s fine.</p>
<p>We spent our children’s inheritance on them: they graduated from college with no student loans. If they inherit anything else from us, it will be sheer luck that they got the money before we spent it.</p>
<p>My mother left each of us (five children) $528 (after all her debts were settled), and I was shocked to get that much.</p>
<p>You never know how these situations will turn out. I had an Uncle who very successful professionally and whom never married and unknown to all of us decided to leave the vast majority of his estate to his almost 20 nieces and nephews. In the end he had Alzheimer’s and was in a nursing home for about 10 years … the month he ran his assets down and became eligible for medicare he died. We, the nieces and nephews, found out about the will when we each received a couple hundred bucks in the mail … it was all that was left after his medical/nursing home bills.</p>
<p>Sometimes discussions of estates with the children can help. One sibling may want the money bequeathed to the children, while another may want the share. So the parent can still be “equal” but split differently. For example, Sibling 1 has 3 children, Sibling 2 has 1. Sibling 1 wants the estate to pass directly to the grandchildren; Sibling 2 wants his share to pass to him.</p>
<p>Parent thus divides estate this way:
Sibling 2 gets 1/2 of the estate.
Sibling 1’s children each get 1/3 of Sibling 1’s half, or 1/6 of the estate total.</p>
<p>Each child is treated fairly, but each according to his own wants and needs. Which is how parents try to raise them in the first place!</p>
<p>My kids have been treated “unequally”–we want to send all 7 to college, but their college costs will vary greatly (full pay at private LAC vs. full ride at state u.-- and everything in between). If there is anything left at the end of it all, I will “remember” those who didn’t get much for college–and I imagine that could include helping them with a car or house downpayment if needed.</p>
<p>My grandparents were quite successful, and my mother was a hippie. She was always planning on inheriting a lot of money from her parents and “planned” and lived accordingly.</p>
<p>My grandfather died about a decade ago, very high hospital bills, but that was nothing compared to what has happened with my grandmother, who ended up with dimentia a few months after he died. They had made arrangements for themselves in a progressive home, which starts out independent in an aparment, but goes up to very intensive around the clock care. </p>
<p>She is physically healthy as all get out. There’s less and less money left, now.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>My mother’s “plans” now include asking H and I to fund her old age. Ummmmm. No.</p></li>
<li><p>My grandmother, had she had her choice, always said if her mind went, she would want assisted suicide. My lucid, amazing grandmother would be furious right now if she could see what happened to her.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>At this point in our lives & our kids’ lives, it is tough to know how well their careers & future relationships will work out. S has a degree in a STEM field (EE), while D is just graduating with a cinema degree. She could be wildly successful or have to go back to school to get a degree that could help her support herself. We are also not sure if their health issues they have had over the years will come back with a vengance and make it tough/impossible for them to continue to earn a living. </p>
<p>As we are currently pretty healthy, we have the luxury of waiting to see if both are able to have successful careers that they can support themselves with. Both have shown considerable responsibility and resourcefulness to date. Both have also had friends we have enjoyed and made choices that align well with our values. We are hoping this will continue but no one knows what the future may bring.</p>
<p>If it turns out that one of them is able to have a successful career while the other is prevented from doing so due to health reasons beyond his/her control, we will likely consider leaving more to the child who needs it after having a candid discussion with both of them. Our neighbors have a child (now adult in 40s) with Muscular Dystrophy. The mom inherited about $500K net from her mom’s estate that she turned over to one of their son’s who used it to put a significant down payment on a house. They have left the house they live in with the MD child and their other adult son to the adult caregiver son, with the understanding that he will continue to care for his MD brother and allow him to live his life there. They will try to leave as large an estate possible, since the caregiving son holds a minimum wage job at 7-11. The S they gave the large down payment to has paid off the mortgage in full & is now starting to save for his retirement at age 45.</p>
<p>When kids get divorced, that can throw a huge wrench in gifts that were given, including any down payment on housing or anything else. The divorcing spouse may claim a share of the family home or its equivalent, etc.</p>
<p>There is so much to think of–estate planning can be very challenging. One of our nephews has made many questionable choices in his young life (he’s only 23). His aunt and dad are thinking he needs a trustee as they don’t feel he would be good handling his own funds if he inherits 6 or 7 figures. It would likely create ill-feelings if his sister who is only 2 years older is given funds outright while his are administered by a trustee, but I believe that is a likely scenario.</p>
<p>All of these issues make estate planning extremely challenging for everyone involved.</p>
<p>My MIL will spend her money down so that there is nothing when she dies. The rest of her stuff, as she put it, can be sold on e-bay. I know it is her money but she did not personally earn it. She was a SAHM. Before I get fried here, let me be clear, that her whole life she never attempted to go out and get a job. She might have babysat here and there. No, she did not shuttle her kids to activities, or make them special treats, or volunteer at the school, or take them on special trips to the museum, park etc. If anything FIL, would take them before work. When the kids got a job, she charged them rent. They were not of means but they lived an extremely frugal lifestyle beyond what was necessary, imposed by her. College was paid via financial aid and scholarships, which the kids sought on their own. She did have a small college fund for the younger child, almost as an afterthought. MY FIL worked 7 days a week, evening shifts to earn the pension she is now collecting and the money they saved. He never got to enjoy any of the luxuries she is enjoying now. Unfortunately, he became sick after an accident, shortly before retirement. After years of being sick, he passed away. When my D was born, she babysat for the first year, while I was at work and we paid her about 50% of the going rate. It was a lot for us at the time, as we did not earn much then. She gave my D $1k upon HS graduation and recently 500 for her birthday. This is the most generous gesture I have seen. We never expected her to contribute towards college for our kids but when I see her throw money away on nonsense, it makes me shake my head. What if she lives to be 100 and has no more $ for her future medical needs? Recently, she spent about $15K on a trip, fancy jewelry for herself, some electronics etc… I understand the trip but I don’t know what use she has for all the other stuff. She also remodeled most of her house with marble, glass and mahogany and let’s not even discuss the imported European furniture . We joke it is like going to Vegas. Yet, she still calls my DH to give her a ride to the doctor’s office during his lunch hour. Why can’t she take a taxi? It’s a $5 ride. It costs him more in gas to leave his office to drive to her house and back to work. Last year, we had a b’day dinner at an inexpensive restaurant ($20 p.p. prixe fixe) for our daughter. It was understood everyone would pay their share as the group was too large for us to foot the bill. We were prepared to pay for her meal, even though she ordered off the menu and it cost more. She saw that everyone was putting in their share and she threw $50 bill at us and asked not to be invited to these sort of things as it was insulting. Ugh. A couple of years ago, my H lost his job and asked for a small loan from her for the first time ever as it was around the time my D was starting college. We thought we could pay her back as soon as he was on his feet again. She borrowed money from a bank and sent us the payment coupon book. So no, I don’t think she would help us out but I am worried, she would be moving in with us when the $ runs out. On the other hand, I would help my kids out and try to put them on the right track. I am not sure I would buy them a house. I still believe, they should make the effort to save the downpayment, but I might help if they are just a bit short and I am able to. Also, unless, I was in financially in a hole, I would not charge for baby sitting my grandchildren or charge my kids rent. I would encourage them to help out by purchasing groceries for things that they like, putting gas in the car and doing some chores.</p>
<p>It is scary when older relatives do not appear to be saving enough for their potential medical needs and may outlive their savings & investments. Makes you wonder and have concerns. Maybe she’s counting on Medicaid without realizing how abysmal some of that care could be.</p>
<p>I haven’t been privy to either my parents or my in-laws wills, but both have helped with our children’s educational expenses and it has been a blessing to us.</p>
<p>My in laws have been helping my SIL and her family. FIL is not pleased, but MIL doesn’t want them losing everything (much of SIL/BIL’s situation is their own fault). MIL has made it very clear that SIL’s inheritance will be reduced accordingly. We don’t care - it’s not our money, so it’s not our business.</p>
<p>In our neighborhood, a couple was retired & all set to enjoy their “golden years” in their own home. Their S had some problems with drug abuse, was divorced & moved back with them with his two sons (their grandkids). Their D then moved in with her H & her two boys. The grandma candidly said to me one day, this was not how they envisioned living out their golden years. </p>
<p>The D & her family moved out because the older grandsons were abusing her younger boys. She still visits regularly–the grandfather died of tobacco-related disease (I believe heart); was smoking until the end. The S still lives there now with the grandma; not sure where his boys are since they went off to college.</p>
<p>The D is still renting–her in-laws (who live in CA) have offered to help them buy their own place if they move, but the D still wants to live near grandma & visit regularly.</p>