<p>A guy we’ve known for 10+ years–friend/acquaintance we see once or twice a year, who lives in another state–emailed H at work and asked to borrow $750 for a car repair. He recently lost his job. He is 50ish, married, no kids.</p>
<p>I can’t understand how two well-educated professional people could get themselves in such a bad financial position. (They’ve been married about 2 years, first marriage for both–both had long single working lives before that, they have a modest lifestyle. ) I feel that it is never a good idea to lend money to friends (This is not a close friend, he has a large network of other friends/acquaintances, H and he have many mutual acquaintances.) To be honest, I feel sort of “victimized” by the request–this guy thinks we have $! I don’t know why he doesn’t ask relatives first (I thought his wife was from a wealthy family. Maybe they broke up? Maybe there are drug/alcohol/mental health issues?) H feels obliged to lend the $–that the guy wouldn’t ask if he weren’t truly desperate. He has never asked us for $ before, but I don’t know if he really intends to pay back. I told H that if he “lends” the $, he has to be willing to (potentially) lose $750 and the friendship. I would be inclined to ignore the email for now and see if he writes back, calls, or (I hope) finds the $ elsewhere.</p>
<p>If it’s someone that I know has managed their finances well that needs it for a temporary rough patch, sure. It wouldn’t be someone that I only communicate with or see once or twice a year though. If it’s someone in our religious group, then certainly. In some cases, we proactive - if we see that there’s a need, we’ll just send them the money, even if they don’t ask.</p>
<p>There are cases where giving someone money may be counterproductive as they may use it to fuel a bad habit as you alluded to. It can be tough trying to figure out whether or not this is the case.</p>
<p>If I were to give $750, it would be with the expectation of never being paid back. Because that is what happens most of the time. If it was someone to whom I had to add the appendage “acquaintance” when I’m describing the nature of our relationship, I would definitely not do it.</p>
<p>I would either ignore the email. Or reply back, by email, “sorry but not in a position to do this; wish you the best.”</p>
<p>Nothing good will come of sending $750 in this guy’s direction. Your H is doing it out of a feeling of “obligation” (a misplaced feeling I might add, since there is nothing owed here). You already resent the notion (don’t blame you).</p>
<p>A close friend of mine is filing for bankrupcy and one of his bank accounts is frozen.</p>
<p>I lent him $1400…but really it’s a gift…he did some work around my house, but he is never going to pay me back.</p>
<p>I’m ok with it…</p>
<p>He needed the money…</p>
<p>Then another friend, who is wealthier than I am, asked to borrow an incredible amount of money for a week…so he could save money on some deal…and it was like no big deal to him…he didn’t even have details of the deal…but he needed the money in one day…I was supposed to go to the bank and wire him the money…the details would come later…</p>
<p>Uhhhhh…no…And I have to say…this episode has bothered me quite a bit…</p>
<p>If you can afford it and your friend really needs the money, you can say yes…or no…</p>
<p>If the guy is just going to spend the money on something stupid…you said the guy leads a modest lifestyle…</p>
<p>I think if you lend the money it is going to be a gift…and you have a right to know the details on why he needs the money…</p>
<p>I would never lend money I couldn’t afford to give to the person. That said… a friend of mine recently paid me back money I loaned her in 1988. With interest.</p>
<p>“(This is not a close friend, he has a large network of other friends/acquaintances, H and he have many mutual acquaintances.)”</p>
<p>Ok…I missed this…the not a close friend part…</p>
<p>I would say no…</p>
<p>An ex-neighbor called me and asked for a loan…we always got along and I run into him occasionally, but we are not close friends…I could not be first on his list of people to call for money…</p>
<p>I told him I am not a bank and I need the money I have…</p>
<p>None of the people I have mentioned know if I can afford to lend anybody money…</p>
<p>I do have some responsibilities that are obvious so it blows my mind when people ask…</p>
<p>Just be sure it’s not a scam. I can’t imagine someone who would email such a request rather than speak to you directly. Even that is not always insurance against fraud - we heard about an elderly person who was defrauded out of many thousands of dollars after a phone call from a supposed grandchild, out of the country and in need of money. The ruse was that there had been a car accident and his nose was broken, and that was why the voice was strange. The so called grandchild asked for the money to be wired and that the parents not be notified. </p>
<p>It’s incredibly easy these days to figure out the details of other people’s lives from work info to names of relatives and much more.</p>
<p>I wonder how many more of your H’s acquaintances received the same or similar email from this person.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t lend him the money. He’s not a close friend, you don’t really know what his situation is, you’d likely never see the money again and like you’d likely always harbor ill feelings toward this person from now on. I also don’t understand why this ‘friend’ emailed the request rather than calling for something supposedly important like this so he could explain the situation better.</p>
<p>On top of all this, assuming it’s even legit, who knows whether he really ‘needs’ the money and is out of all alternatives like putting it on a CC, getting a less expensive repair done, driving the other car, taking public transportation until he can afford to get it fixed, etc.?</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters … lend it only with the expectation that it’s really a gift. That said, I might be inclined to respond “I don’t have $750 to lend right now, but I can give you $200 until you’re back on your feet.”</p>
<p>I would add that we know him through church. I think H would feel “uncharitable” if he refused. I believe the guy is honest when he says he lost his job, wrecked his car in an accident. H thought he should just offer to GIVE him $100, and maybe some other friends of his might also chip in.
Friend?Acquaintance? Both of us have moved several times, so we would probably meet more often if we were in the same place. I used to like this guy a lot. But he seemed to change when he got married (fairly recently). I don’t like his wife much.
They are both sort of eccentric/dreamer/hippie/intellectual types. Not savvy money managers, but not wasteful–no fancy cars/clothes/vacations. He has a spotty employment history, probably because he was single and didn’t have many responsibilities–and he had a lot of friends to couch surf. Never saw him drinking more than a couple drinks (And I was at his bachelor party!) </p>
<p>He quit a job during the recession (on “principle”–a very minor issue, IMO, which makes me wonder about mental health–though maybe he was fired from that job, and said he quit to save face? He did seem somewhat cranky and “off” the last two times I saw him–I thought it was the marriage, but) He said he needs the car fixed to move and look for work. $750 would not break us. I just figured middle-aged people would plan better, have more stability by this age, instead of having to ask to be rescued.</p>
<p>When we were young, we did borrow $ from relatives (twice) and paid them back ASAP.</p>
<p>I wondered, too, why he didn’t call and talk to H in person. I think he is ashamed, but this guy is well-educated and has a diplomat’s manners–he should know to say it in person.</p>
<p>He does have an extensive email list (which we also have.) I joked with H that we should just spam all his friends and ask them to send $5 each. I also thought that if we lent the $ and he didn’t pay back, we could let everyone know that he’s a dishonest bum. . .</p>
<p>He doesn’t have a job, no kids , is his car even worth paying $750 to fix it?
( that is assuming that $750 would pay for it- I have the feeling, that it would be the tip of the iceberg)</p>
<p>I wouldn’t do it , it just has a icky feeling.
I would never send an email to someone asking for money- how gauche.
If you give him money, it won’t help him to grow up.</p>
<p>LOL dstark. He could buy a new car if each of his friends would “lend” him $750 in response to an email. I think his car is old, and not worth much. But repairing is still cheaper than getting a different car.</p>
<p>No, I can’t picture him scamming all his friends. He’s an honest guy. I think he asked H because most of his other friends are as poor as he is (a bunch of hippies/idealists/philosophers).</p>
<p>Hmm.I wouldn’t do it. DH and I once lent a signficant amount of money to someone. It was a very close friend who had rented the same house for over 15 years. The owners needed to sell, she wanted to buy it but couldn’t come up with the whole down payment. She did pay us back over time a little at a time. We agreed privately we would be okay if she never paid us back. This was years ago. We lost touch with her over the years and she passed away recently. When I read of her death my thought was how glad I was that she had died in the house she loved and that I had helped make that happen. That was all the repayment I ever needed although as I said she did pay it all back.
That said, this guy isn’t a close friend. You have no idea what his circumstances are. If there are drugs and alcohol or other factors that would influence closer friends in not loaning the money you are unaware of them.<br>
I would send back an email that you are thinking of him, that you will pray for him (if it applies) and that you are unable to help. The alternative would be if you are willing to hire him to do any work for you and then pay him for the actual work he does.</p>
<p>Just to clarify, by scam, I was not referring to your friend scamming you and/or others out of the money, but the possibility that someone one else hacked into his email account. Are you very sure that is not the case? If not, call him- at worst you can say you will have to think about it and get back to him. You can always say no, or offer something else. But if his account is being hacked, he deserves to know what is going on.</p>
<p>We loaned a family member $5k toward a down payment on a house back in the 80s, no problem with the repayment.<br>
Many times over the years we borrowed $1k from my Dad for a few days when there was something unexpected, never had an issue repaying him within days, he just always had cash. I am not sure if he stressed that or not.
I did loan $400 to a friend who has way more money than I do, that was nearly 20 years ago and lost the friend and friendship. They hit a tight on money stage for the year afterward, but brought it up often, one time she even called and told me her DH just got paid and to come over ‘right now’ to collect before he used it on other bills, by the time I got there he had used it for other stuff. No problem waiting for a year of tight budget, but when things got better it was never mentioned again.</p>