We met up with a friend of D1 while we were in Italy last month. She was flying in from the US to travel ( alone) and was spending a night in the same city that we were, so she stayed overnight with us. The first thing she realized after we met up with her was that she had been pickpocketed en route from the airport and her wallet was missing with over $300 gone. Lucky for her, her passport and phone were still there. So I would just make sure to discuss strategies for not being an easy target with a kid of mine who was traveling alone… Oh, and I wouldn’t sleep till my kid got back!
Well, since some of my D’s travels took her to Thailand, and Israel as well as Ireland, Scotland, France, and Canada, we’ve definitely lost some sleep, but it’s really not been our call since her trips are self-funded and really quite well-planned. As long as the lessons learned do not carry lasting scars, hopefully they learn from them.
My older daughter traveled around the world by herself when she was 22. I think I made a subconscious decision that unless I didn’t want to sleep for the three months she was gone, I had to hope for the best. But there were times I was very worried, for example, when the huge typhoon struck the South Pacific and I realized she was probably in the area. I also worry, though, now that she and her sister live in New York City and walk home at night from the subway.
What a thread!
I have been so upset. DD, age 22, made plans to do a pharmacy internship in Spain with her friend this summer. Her “friend” gave her the idea and since the friend’s parents are “wealthy” they could afford to send her “anywhere” she wanted to go.
We’re on a tight budget, and we told our dd to save her pennies because we couldn’t pay the fees. She worked two jobs during this past school year and saved her money. We scrimped on our end and used all of our mileage.
Friend bailed. Friend didn’t do well on her MCAT’s, so she couldn’t go to Spain. We couldn’t get a refund.
I have been stressed, panicked, in tears, sleepless, and miserable since Friday.
DD left on Friday July 1st-LAX to JFK to Madrid.
Flight to JFK was rerouted to Hartford.
Flight was late so DD missed non-stop flight to Madrid.
We rebooked, while she was on the tarmac in Hartford for 4 hours; then finally, she got to JFK.
She ran to the gate, only to be told that because she hadn’t “checked in” she couldn’t board.
They rebooked her on a flight for the next day (to Amsterdam!) because flights to Spain were overbooked and she could no longer get a direct flight.
They provided a hotel near JFK, then her cab/shuttle didn’t show up at her hotel! She had to quickly rebook another shuttle and almost missed her rescheduled flight at JFK.
She gets to Amsterdam, but almost missed her connection to Madrid. Different terminals.
Arrives on July 3 to Madrid minus her luggage.
She just got her luggage early, July 4th. It was waiting for her in NY.
Her first orientation class was about safety, pickpockets, getting robbed, avoiding the use of English and being targeted as a tourist. They originally told us the internship would be close to her flat. It’s an hour away with 3 changes on the metro. I know she’s been in tears but doesn’t want to tell me.
Then the kid from UW gets killed. I can’t imagine what his parents are going through.
Oh, aunt bea! That’s a lot to endure in only a few days. But now your daughter is in one place for a while and will probably do fine.
@“aunt bea” Just think how much your daughter has learned already!
Did the folks who arranged the internship also arrange the lodging? If so, I think some push back on them is in order. Perhaps something can be worked out to avoid the long commute.
@“aunt bea”, it may not seems one it now, but this will be a big growth experience for your D. Support her as best you can from a distance, of course. But she will likely come home more confident and savvy than you can imagine. That is what happened with my D1 when she had a rough experience abroad.
@doschicos, I completely agree; the company that arranged the internship is here in Seal Beach, CA. My dd feels that she would be “disappointing” the people who agreed to take her at the Spain pharmacy. She’s not thinking like her usual self, still suffering from jet lag.
@intparent, that is my hope, because I am going to be a nervous wreck for the next two months!
ant Bea, I had to watch a D go through a terrible ordeal returning home from S America at a point, missed flights, rebooking, missed classes in college. She learned from it and I did as well. It was hard to live through though. Hopefully after this rough beginning things will smooth out.
My kids have been all over the world, alone in many cases, living abroad, as well as traveling. For the most part, I have resolved to not be frightened, as I was so thankful that my parents never gave me a hard time about my overseas adventures and instead relished the stories.
However, some experiences have made me breathe heavily for a few moments. D walking across Paris at 10 PM to get to the bus stop for Orly airport, and then snoozing in the doorway of a McDonalds in the wee hours waiting for the 4 am bus. Not worth the money for a hotel, and 5 hours sleep, or so she said. Other D in the Golan Heights, which now is peaceful and pastoral, though they could see the Syrian border and signs of a burning city far beyond.S exploring what used to be called Calcutta solo. He likened it to a historic museum.
Regardless, I still think the most risky thing they do is bike home at 2 am after hitting the bars in our college town. Or walk in the sometimes dubious DC neighborhood near my Ds flat, where shootings and murders are not uncommon.
I always tell them, choose safety, if you are weighing what to do. I will happily pick up the tab later for taxis or hotels. They have not yet taken me up on it.
D is guiding a group of HS students in France for a month, as they go through various educational adventures. I am so sad at the sudden fear surrounding study abroad, as it will make her path harder if the parents and then students are more anxious. Study abroad is increasingly valuable in a polarized world, as well as personally transformative.
Oh, @aunt bea, my heart goes out to you. The series of mishaps your daughter has met with are enough to make one sit down and cry, but it sounds as if she is working at plowing through it all.
I agree with @doschicos about seeking to have the host group find accommodations that are not so far away from the internship site. She may feel as though she will be offending someone, but unless she makes it known that different accommodations would be appreciated, no one will think to make a move on her behalf.
Your daughter is going to be so changed upon her return, and so full from the experience.
When my daughter traveled alone to and from Europe, she heartily partook of the new rules of ‘When in Rome,’ so to speak, and so would not return to her quarters until far too late. She was delighted, but seldom alone. (When she arrived, she met with her travel program.)
The distance she had to traverse each day was far enough for me to feel the need to pull up maps of cities, public transportation routes, and local municipal daily cams which captured a main part of her destination city twice a day. I stayed on alert for any kind of global situation, though the biggest thing to happen was a strike by the airline on which she flew the final leg of her two-country, three-city journey, the day after she landed! (It was quite short lived.)
Knowing that your daughter is staying alert and acclimating will make you feel much better. Hopefully, you will see signs of such things soon.
@aunt bea - Your D is in my thoughts and prayers, as are you. ((HUGS)) Keep us posted on her progress!
@auntbea, nothing new to say after the other posts but I add my sympathies. So hard when our kids encounter challenges and there’s not much we can do. I’m sure things will become more smooth but what a tough beginning for your D. I’m sending good wishes your way.
Would I want my D or S to travel alone ANYWHERE in the world alone. NO. Because if something happened and there was no one there to notice, days could go by before anything was done. If s/he did, I would at least want a daily text saying “I’m OK.”
If they could not agree to this, then it depends on who is paying. If I am, then my rules. Iff they’re paying, well then I can’t stop them.
Please understand that I do not expect my adult kids to call me everyday. They don’t. But I know they live with people who would notice, I would hope,if they disappeared or died.
That being said, D1 arranged to spend a semester abroad in the fall of her senior yr. Part of the internship was that the student had to arrange their own place to live, which D did not share. . The school did provide suggestion. So D1 booked her flight and then went to NYC for an internship in the summer before. She was going to spend the summer living in her b/f’s, of several years, condo. ( Did the year before as well) First day of internship, after her moving in, and out of the blue, b/f broke up. D1 was devastated and had no where to live. This started a " hell" summer for D1, H and I. We could not find a traditional internship place for her to live, as they were all booked. Her ex was saying she had to get out immediately. But she had no where to go and was completely having a break down because of the break-up. (I actually found a temporary place because of suggestions here on CC and will never forget that.) She refused to consider giving up the internship and returning home for the summer.
It was a very tough summer. Our very strong, independent and resilient D1 lost it. We ended up moving her 8 times. One of the places she sub-let was in a very less than desirable area of Manhatten. She didn’t care and she was paying for it with the stipend she got from her internship. She was sharing the apartment with a college friend at least. College friends parent only allowed her to stay if we reinforced windows, which we did. ( Previous tenants removed bars to put flower boxes, Haha Then moved)
So about mid summer, D1 informs me she needs to find a place to live where she is going abroad. I was shocked as this was so unlike her. But the whole summer was so unlike her. She stated that she had so little time, with the internship, to look. I, obviously, offered to look. Well there was literally nothing available. I spent a great deal of my time looking for somewhere for her to live.
So about two weeks before leaving, after a dreadfully emotional summer including seeing a therapist, my D1 was about to go abroad with no place to stay other than a park bench. We suggested she not go. She informed that she was going and had figured out how to pay for her last year of school in case we held that over her head. So she was going, no matter what.
We knew we could not stop her. We insisted she at least book a hotel for a week or so, so that she could look for a place while there. She found a hotel, but could not extend her stay, as they were booked. Each day passed and she could not find anything. Finally, on the last day found a place. More expensive than hoped and shared by 3 vs 2.
I would have stopped her if I could. But it all worked out.
I continue to be amazed at my children’s confidence in traveling alone. I don’t think I would ever have done so at that age, however DH traveled throughout the Middle East and Europe alone in the early '70’s when he was 19/20.
Our DS2, age 20, is in Europe right now for about 4 weeks. He is with various friends part of the time, but also traveling with a backpack alone a lot. He flew from LAX to Amsterdam alone but then met up with friends for a few days before traveling alone to Spain where he met different friends after a couple of days. He is staying in a mix of hostels, air bnb’s and crashing with friends. He is having a great time,and has spent time with some kids he has met in hostels. His phone was stolen a few dsys ago- he was in a pub and it was on his chair between his legs when a woman “fell” into him. Right after that, our bank froze his accounts because “there was too much activity in a foreign country”- even though he had notified them he would be traveling. He does not seem to be phased by this and communicates with his iPad. He speaks Spanish well and loves talking with locals about our politics here. I worry a bit but he is checking in and loving it. He was in Nicaragua with a school group just prior to this trip but stayed in an armed compound and traveled with guards. I worried more about him there I think. He visited his sister in Hong Kong when he was 18 and was on his own when she was at work. She told us he was very good at getting around-smart phones make it so easy!!!
DD2 worked in Hong Kong for a year when she was 24 and traveled extensively by herself in Asia-Vietnam, Cambodia, Japan, mainland China, Laos etc. She had previously lived in NYC and was comfortable in a big city. I worried at the time but she had amazing experiences that she will always treasure.
Thanks for the support everyone.
I don’t think I would be as worried if she wasn’t by herself.
She isn’t very street smart, and I can’t convince her to not look at the budget. She bases everything on what she can afford instead of what’s safe (i.e. “Take a cab. Well put the money in your account!”)
So here I type at 5 am because she hasn’t called /texted in almost 24 hours!
@auntbea, I understand that level of anxiety when the expected check-in hasn’t arrived. I think the worst of it for me was when my S2 was flying to Uzbekistan to work with an Italian team on an archeological dig. It had been arranged by a professor at his school, but my S spoke neither Italian nor Russian and definitely not Uzbek. At the time, the route he took was NY-Paris-Tel Aviv-Istanbul-Tashkent and cell phones were in pretty early stages. About two hours after his plane was scheduled to land in Tashkent I had heard nothing and was about to pull my hair out, but he finally connected and let us know that he had arrived. And I’m the crazy parent who let my 18yo S1 travel cross-country by Greyhound bus with three HS buddies the summer before college. I think the people my kids have become is in small part due to the freedom we’ve given them to explore the world…a freedom that has come with my grey hairs for us.
AUnt Bea - so sorry for all your worries! I’d be beside myself as well!
Heck, my D travels domestically for her business and I confess I still like to know that she’s gotten to her final destination safely. In the back of my mind, I worry about snafus with airlines, rental cars, hotels, etc.
Do you think our parents worried about us the way we worry about our kids? I don’t think so at all. I don’t think it would have occurred to my parents in a million years to have “worried” about me on a business trip.
I’m sure they did…
I remember when I was in college (only an hour’s drive from home), I had to call her when I arrived. She doesn’t ask me to do that anymore, thankfully, however when I travel on vacation , my mother still wants me to call her when I arrive.
@twoinanddone LGA–meaning Laguardia Airport?? Dangerous??
No. Not dangerous. My kids fly in and out of there by themselves. Travel around by themselves using the M60 bus to and from the terminal. No worries. My kids grew up in the city and so may be more street smart, but I never worry.