Would you please grade my SAT essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Essay prompt, “Is memory central to our progress, or does it merely hold us back?”
I would like you guys to make any comments on my essays to get prepared for next SAT test and score it as well please.
Thank you,

     “I have not failed, I just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” One of the most eminent scientists, Albert Einstein stated that failure is not a failure; it is the one of those ways that would not work at all. Memory of the past can be a embarrassment that no one wants to look back, however, it can be the next step to the success of his career. By keeping the memory to central to our progress, we can finally progress through the failure and develop from that by not committing same mistakes we’ve done.

     “Failure is a mother of success” is a hackneyed expression that everybody knows, but doesn’t affect them at all. However, it is an inevitable fact that everybody assumes. Nobel was a Swedish scientist who invented the dynamite. At first, he was worried about dangers from the use of the gunpowder, so he renovated the gunpowder with blasting cap that he thought at first it would go to be safer than regular gun powder. However, it blew up his entire factory and killed five people who were working at that factory. One of the five people who were dead was his younger brother, and he started to be depressed for whole years. Fortunately, for him, he knew how to cope with that incident, and started to experiment about the gunpowder with nitroglycerine while keeping the tragedy in his memory. Finally, by making that memory to a shovel, he was able to reach to the end of the innovation, later called dynamite.

     One of my closest friends, Kim does not allow himself to make a mistake. When he, one day, had a huge mistake on the final test on English class, he was so much depressed and held him back for more than a half year. He started to fall behind the class and even himself did not care about his grades at all. One mistake he had done just held him back for a long time. However, one opportunity came when he skimmed through the book written by Malcolm Gladwell at the library. While he was reading that book, Outliers, he felt that tiny mistake is not a huge impact on his life. By allowing himself to overwhelm his memory while dealing with that by not making same mistake again, he was able to search the way out from the darkness and started to become a better person who knows how to deal with his mistakes and who works diligently to reach his goal of his life. 

     Human being cannot be a perfect person who never makes any mistakes. However, one needs to aim for success by allowing himself overwhelmed by his past mistakes. It would not only become a way to success, but also become a essential factor to progress his own life.
2

First, I should tell you that I’m a college freshman right now (and a girl) and I received a perfect score on my SAT essay.

I just want to start with technical problems first:
Paragraph 1:
-“that no one wants to look back, however, it can be…” consider “that one may not enjoy looking back on; however, it can be the next to achieving success.”
-“develop from that by not committing same mistakes we’ve done.” consider: “we can finally overcome past failures and learn to avoid those mistakes.” Avoid saying “we’ve done”. It’s very informal and you cannot “do” a mistake, you make mistakes.
Paragraph 2:
-"…renovated the gunpowder with blasting cap that he thought at first it would go to be safer than regular gun powder." This is grammatically incorrect and I’m not so sure as to what you’re getting at. Maybe consider: “renovated the gunpowder to include a blasting cap that was thought to be safer.”
-Avoid informal language such as “blew up” and instead of repeating “five people who were working at that factory”, say “and killed five employees”. If something is wordy, that should be your first red flag.
-“One of the five people who were dead” Consider: “One casualty was his younger brother, which made Nobel fall into depression.” Please watch your formality! “who were dead” is not good. If anything say “who had died”.

Paragraph 3:
-“One of my closest friends, Kim does not allow himself to make a mistake.” Comma splice: “One of my closest friends, Kim, does not allow…”
-Second sentence is a run on and that last part is not grammatically correct. Consider: “When he made a mistake on an English exam that cost him his grade, he became depressed, and carried this depression with him for about half a year.”
-“Fall behind the class” Consider: “Fall behind in class”
-Delete the next sentence: “One mistake he had done…” You’ve already made this clear.
-“the book by Malcom Gladwell” You named the book in the second sentence. Change this. The first sentence needs to introduce the book, not the author. “…he skimmed through Outliers by Malcom Gladwell.” You don’t need “in the library”. And remember that when you are hand writing, you underline book titles-- you do not put them in quotes.
-Edit your last sentence. It is a run on.
Last Paragraph:
-“Human beings cannot be a perfect person who never makes any mistakes.” Subject-verb agreement. Should be: “Human beings cannot be perfect mistake-free people.”
-“However, one needs to aim for success by allowing himself overwhelmed by his past mistakes.” Overwhelmed is not the right word here. Did you mean “by allowing himself to reflect on past mistakes.”

Now for content:
Your introduction is good, but isn’t a strong as it needs to be. You tend to get a little wordy, especially in those last two sentences. Also “career” isn’t necessarily the best choice here. Watch your word choice throughout your essay and make sure it is coherent and most of all- makes sense!
Paragraph 2:
I like this example a lot. Again, just be careful with your words. There are a lot of unnecessary words in there that caused me to struggle through reading the sentences-- taking my focus off of what you’re trying to tell me. Keep it concise and make sure every sentence makes sense and is in a logical order.

Paragraph 3:
I’m not a huge fan of this example to be honest. Personal examples should only be used in an SAT essay as a last resort. If you need to use one, make it up and make it strong. Doing poorly on a test and being in a slump as a result of it isn’t such a strong example. Think of all the mistakes people can make, pick one, and make it dramatic. Make up a “friend” who made the mistake of drunk driving. Think of all of the places you can go with that.

Conclusion:
Your conclusion needs to be strong. It closes out your essay and is the last thing the graders read, and thus, remember. Here is a rule of thumb: Start off with a general sentence just like you did. That’s great! Then, your next sentence should address your first example. Say something like, “As exemplified by Nobel, sometimes, our biggest mistakes can lead to our best successes.” Next sentence, next example. You could say, “In addition, reflecting on past mistakes was very important for my friend, Kim. He was able to realize that one mistake doesn’t hold him back from success, and he was able to overcome it.” Then end it with more general statements, just like you did, that will tie the whole essay together. Watch that last sentence- It’s a bit redundant.

Also here is a BIG ONE. If you read anything I wrote, read this!!!
This is how you HAVE to have your SAT essay set up if you want a shot at getting anything over an 8:
Paragraph One: Introduction
Paragraph Two: A historical or literature example
Paragraph Three: Another historical or literature example
Paragraph Four: Another historical or literature example
Paragraph Five: Conclusion (General sentence, address topic one, address topic two, address topic three, general statements).

Your introduction and conclusion need to be at least five strong sentences each. Avoid personal examples. That example about Kim is not a literature example just because you threw Outliers in there. I would actually advise you to leave that part out-- it does not strengthen your example.

Overall I would give this essay a 6. Your graders are first looking at grammar. You had a lot of run on sentences and poor word choice. You also didn’t use transitional statements such as “Such as, in addition, similarly, on the other hand”. Then they are looking at your examples: Can this student connect THREE different ideas and still be consistent with his/her topic?

My biggest piece of advise to you is to really watch your grammar and the structure of your essay. That will get you so many points even if what you’re saying has no worth at all. If it’s set up well and worded nicely (and properly), it will automatically score better.

I’m sorry this is really long, but I hope it helped! Feel free to message me. I also am a college essay editor, and I would be happy to help you (free of charge) if you would like!

Good luck on the SATs!

3

I agree with RDK89023 and also have to add that you made the most common mistake of all time by misattributing a quote to Einstein in the intro! It was Edison who said that when referring to the light bulb, not Einstein!