Would you please read & edit my UC Personal Statement(Prompt #1)?

College Essays
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<p>UC Personal Statement #1
The struggles that my parents went through during their childhood in China made me realize that I needed to study hard in school and to have a successful career. My parents have always told my siblings and me about how they had to do agriculture work to feed themselves and earning very little money to pay for college tuition. Throughout their lives in China, they have been struggling to earn money for a living. As I listen to their many hardships, I knew that my life has to be better and that I must go to college to fulfill my dreams and aspirations.
One of my long-term ambitions in life is to be a dentist. To be honest, I have never thought about becoming a dentist as a career choice until during late junior year. When I was little, my mom continually expostulated my sister and I to become a pharmacist. However, at that time I just went with what my mom thought was the best possible career choice for me. I thought becoming a pharmacist was pertinent for me because it is a high-paying job. When I started high school, I knew where my interests were and what I wanted to do after college. Then towards the end of junior year, I realized that I wanted to be a dentist since science was always a subject that I was interested in.
To be a dentist, I know there are many concepts that had to be learned along with the vast amount of preparation. In order to prepare for this career, I joined the Hughes Scholars Summer Research Institute Program at UCSD which was 5-weeks. Not only does this program provide students with the experience of college classes and hands-on lab experiments; but also including a stipend of 800 dollars and four college credits after completion of requirements. This program has truly succored my understanding of biology on a new perspective. The underlying reason I chose to be part of this program was that it will benefit my future career. Biology is an essential part of becoming a dentist; thus, learning the terminology of biology at a college level is a stupendous advantage for me.
Further, this valuable program has shaped my aspirations of going to college as I have the opportunity to experience what college is like. By having this exceptional opportunity, I will be ahead of others whom knows little or nothing about college. The conducive lectures that I learned in BILD 84, Molecular Biology, and Bioinformatics classes will be exceedingly beneficial for my intended major. Since I want to major in either biology or biochemistry in college, these classes will help me get a quick understanding of the basic concepts.
The Hughes Scholars Program was without a doubt a worthy experience for me. Even though it was only 5-week long, I feel that I gain greater knowledge about science in a new perspective. Hence, I am exalted to even be given such an opportunity that will advance my future. In essence, this program is definitely the first step towards preparation in becoming a dentist. I am infallible that by learning these fundamentals of science, my dreams will become true. </p>

<p>*Please give me some feedback from my essay. Tell me if you think it’s good or not and what I should do to make it better. Make all corrections on here. Also, look for grammar and punctuation.
Thanks! Hope you like it!</p>

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<p>Ah, well twilightgirl, for future references, you should PM your essays to people who you’ve done backup checks on – that way, you’ll ensure that they have wise critiques and are not people out there who are going to steal your essays. </p>

<p>In any case, I’m also an '09 person and though I might be underexperienced, I have a few tips:</p>

<h1>1) If I remember correctly, this question is asking the “world” you came from – not a single experience. That would be better suited to the UC’s second prompt about how a single experience or ability or trait has made you proud/made you who you are.</h1>

<h1>2) It is…maybe, obvious where you looked up thesaurus.com. Maybe I’m wrong, but sometimes words like conducive and expostulated detract from the essay. Rather, use your own words and change the sentence structure for more effect.</h1>

<h1>3) Most importantly, show not tell. Through some parts of your essay, you tell about your internship, tell about your classes, tell about your parents. Tell the admissions people HOW these events and relations affected you. A billion other people have gone to paid internships and have Chinese parents and have had college courses (me included), but the effect it has on each of us is different. This is where you show your unique qualities.</h1>

<p>Hope this helps!</p>

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<p>The essay is VERY jumpy and has little flow or purpose. But here are a few breakdowns:</p>

<p>A) Parents experience: Has potential, but you are going about it in the wrong direction. Rather than focus on what they did and told you, choose to really capture the essence of their struggle. </p>

<p>B) If you plan to be a doctor, you must incorporate some sort of social responsibility (ie. your love for helping people, working to help those who can’t afford quality dental care, working in 3rd world countries, etc)</p>

<p>C) I’m sure the people at UCSD know what their program entails (no need to talk about the stipend, length of the program, etc)</p>

<p>D) I would take out the words from the thesaurus. This would send off a red flag that you are a “fake” writer, and that these words aren’t part of your normal vernacular…</p>

<p>E) The best essays/writing pieces incorportate each of the five senses. If your essay doesn’t incorporate them, then you need to do some serious editing!</p>

<p>F) Remember, your essay is NOT the only essay they will read. They may read yours first thing in the morning - when they are wide awake and have lots of energy…or they may read yours dead last on a day where they have read 300 eassays and they are dead tired and ready to go home. Regardless, it must captivate their interest from the start!</p>

<p>Below is a sample breakdown approach that I would do with your theme (and this is VERY rough)</p>

<p>“As I sat in my sturdy, cold wooden chair, struggling to write an essay/complete an assignment, etc, my mother walked into my room. I gave her an exasperated look of frustration and mental fatigue; in response to seeing her daughter struggle, a silent, cold tear trickled from her brown, half dollar sized eyes. However, it wasn’t a tear of sadness, but a tear of pride. My parents lived their childhood in communist-ran China, where they had to do agriculture work to feed themselves, struggle to earn money for a living, and diligently save for their college tuition…
It was that one tear that reminded me what my career ambition was, which is to become a dentist…(insert reasons why you would like to become a dentist and specifically about the profession appeals to you)
Without question, the (insert program name) at UCSD further peaked my desire to becoming a dentist. (Insert reasons why you like the program specifically). (Follow up with flattering reasons that you like UCSD)
To my mother, her tear may have served as a sense of pride. However, for me, it served as a reminder of my parents struggle, an obligation to work systematically to achieve my dreams, and an inspiration to persevere while experiencing hardship…”</p>

<p>Hope this helps! Good luck!</p>

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<p>i wonder how do you start a thread or … how do you start a post?</p>

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<p>I also have a UC personal statement … but i don’t know how to post it out</p>

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<p>i don’t agree with part C of Duke Alumnus because if you’re applying to UCLA and UCB it might still be good to mention it.
I think you need to fix your grammar mistakes, give it to your english teacher for him/her to correct them.</p>