<p>If you found out your son was being sexually intimate with his girlfriend, would you share this information with the girlfriend’s mother?</p>
<p>The boy is a freshman in college and the girl is a senior in high school. She apparently sends provocative messages to him (verbal only probably), and likes him a lot more than he likes her.</p>
<p>Although he has been warned about using protection, in life he seems to be the kind that only learns by making his own mistakes. Apparently a few months ago the girl thought she might be pregnant, but he reassured her that ‘pregnancy without penetration’ was very rare. The girl’s older sister had a baby a couple of years ago, and then married the father of the child. They are struggling financially and living in the mother’s house.</p>
<p>Would you share this knowledge with the other mother?</p>
<p>Yikes. If it were my own son I would probably first talk to the son about the appropriateness, ethical, moral and emotional (for her at least, though not him by the sounds of it) aspects of being sexually intimate with a girl who ‘likes him a lot more than he likes her’. Plus the possibility of being tied to a girl for life who ‘likes him a lot more than he likes her’, because they share a child. And about the fact that he apparently talks about what should be their private business, which is tacky. The ‘she sends provocative messages’ justification is just a cop out. If he has a problem with that then he should tell her to stop. If he doesn’t then he should keep his mouth shut about it.</p>
<p>Would I talk to the mother of a girl who must be 18 or near to it about the daughter’s sex life. No I absolutely would not.</p>
<p>If neither were my own child I would keep my nose and my mind out of their sex life.</p>
<p>No. Your S is over 18, and his GF must be near 18. This is their issue. If she gets pregnant, they will have to deal with it, and you may have to help them. But to alert the mother treats them like junior high kids. </p>
<p>Your S will always hold it against you if you tell the other mother. This girl could end up your daughter-in-law and/or the mother of your grandchild. You can’t afford to make them both angry at you for possibly the rest of your lives.</p>
<p>Keep up the talk about birth control to your S, though.</p>
<p>The boy is almost 19. The girl won’t be 18 until May.</p>
<p>He does not talk about the content of messages or emails. He is just not careful and sometimes leaves things laying around.</p>
<p>The thing is, she’s a sweet girl, but I almost think she uses sexuality as a way to keep him interested (low self-esteem?), though maybe I’m wrong about it. He has broken up with her several times, but then they get back together. Also, I know he does enjoy talking to her and he’s a guy so I’m sure it’s hard to resist her ‘open invitation’. He’s a good kid and tries not to hurt her and to be fair to her, but it seems like she ‘sucks him in’ all the time. Example: He asked her not to contact him for an extended period of time when he went away to college, to which she agreed, but yet then she thought of a reason to contact him 3 days later. There starts up the back and forth again…</p>
<p>Doubt if she would go on the pill (religious concerns primarily); they’re just not realistic about the possibility of pregnancy.</p>
<p>The mothers know each other, casually; maybe the other mother can apply some pressure on the other side about her daughter being more careful at least?</p>
<p>I would want to know if my high school daughter was having sex.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like the girl is consciously risking pregnancy, and possibly even inviting it as a way to “catch” your son. That’s unfortunate, but even more unfortunate, IMHO, is the way you absolve your S of responsibility with the old “he’s a guy so I’m sure it’s hard to resist” line. </p>
<p>I don’t think so. He’s responsible for his actions. The appropriate way to deal with it is not through the girl’s mother but with a real heart-to-heart, or several if necessary, with your own S about his own reckless behavior. He doesn’t get off the hook just because “he’s a guy” and is driven by teenage hormones. She’s driven by teenage hormones, too. If he doesn’t want to end up fathering a child out of wedlock or married to someone before he’s ready and maybe not the right one, or offering to pay for an abortion she may not want or that may leave her emotionally devastated (I’m guessing a real possibility if she’s avoiding contraception for religious reasons), then there’s a simple solution: just keep your pants on. Or at least keep your pants on until and unless you’re absolutely certain that all appropriate precautions are being taken by you and by your partner. This is his decision and his responsibility—not the girl’s, not the mom’s, ultimately not even yours. Your son can grow up and accept that responsibility, or continue to act like a reckless irresponsible kid. That’s as far as it goes. The girl’s sex life is none of your da**ed business.</p>
<p>The way you talk about this girl comes across as incredibly negative, while the son “is a good kid.” The girl is “sucking him in” with her sexuality, she has low self-esteem, she gives him an “open invitation”, he asks her not to contact him but she contacts him and it all starts up again? Come on. It takes two to tango. If he was serious about ending it he wouldn’t answer her calls, and he certainly would not still be having sex with her. If it is true that she cares for him more than he cares for her, he is using her sexually.</p>
<p>Tell the son to use a condom. That’s all you can do. The girl’s sexual choices are up to her.</p>
<p>Oh, I think she can certainly do more than just tell her son to use a condom! She can have him look for jobs which don’t require a college education, because it’s very likely that if he is required to support a child, he is not going to finish college. She can have him draw up a budget based on the income he’d earn in a job which doesn’t require a college education – finding an apartment he can afford, paying for transportation, food, utilities, medical insurance for himself and for a child, and so on. Let him learn about the lifestyle he’d have were he financially responsible for the child, and also, let him learn not just about his financial obligations for a child he fathers, but what it takes to be a real dad, be a true parent, not just a sperm donor.</p>
<p>She can talk to him, as others have mentioned, about the girl’s feelings, his own behavior, his integrity, using the girl, etc. She can lay out the possible consequences for his actions, which apparently he isn’t capable of doing on his own. </p>
<p>She can have him read up on sexual behaviors which don’t lead to pregnancy. She can have him learn about STDs, because if he’s sexually active, this is information he needs.</p>
<p>And so on. </p>
<p>She can do much, much more than just tell him to keep it covered.</p>
<p>You can and should talk to your son, but as many others have said, it would seem out of place for you to talk to the girl’s parents.</p>
<p>In my opinion, one of the most important points for your son to understand is that in our society, a woman cannot be forced to become a parent against her will. A man can. And 18 years is a long time. If this girl had a child nine months from now, how old would your son be when he would be able to stop paying child support? It’s something he might want to think about.</p>
<p>momlove, I can’t believe the way you are giving the son a pass. You act like he’s a victim. Sounds like the girl does have self-esteem issues, but it also sounds like the son can’t keep it in his pants, and that’s his problem, not hers. If she gets PG, he has no one to blame but himself.</p>
<p>As a mom of boys I agree with everyone. You need to have a serious talk with your son about condoms. He needs to also take responsibility for ensuring that he is not a father until he is ready every single “time.” Boys chase girls. Girls chase boys. In this day and age no one needs an “oops” child and the boys are equally as responsible as the girls to ensure that doesn’t happen. I will also say that this is a surprisingly easy conversation to have with boys. They may act sheepishly or be embarassed that their “mom” is talking to them about being a “guy”, but soldier on and get the point across, then pour yourself a big glass of wine (if you imbibe.) And no, I would not talk to the girl or her family.</p>
<p>I agree w swimcats, bclintonk, lalayh et al—both teens are responsible for their own behavior, and I wouldn’t contact the girl’s family. I find it interesting you have so much detail about the goings on btwn your son and this young woman, I know you said he leaves things around, but he’s now away at college. At this point, does he tell you all this, ie. “she found a reason to call him after three days at college?” if so there’s your opportunity to talk with your son. if my son talked about a girl this way I’d be upset by it, and would tell him so, in addition to advising him on the risks they seem to be taking…</p>
<p>and I wouldn’t assume the girl knows “he’s just not that into her”, you don’t know how he acts when he’s with her, what he says. certainly as we know being physically intimate is very bonding, so from her perspective she may believe he really cares for her…</p>
<p>As a parent, it is YOUR responsibility to talk to YOUR son about birth control. I know you said you spoke to him about wearing a condom, but talk to him again. Obviously, you will have to bring it up tactfully, so that he doesn’t know you have read his correspondence. I disagree with those who are saying that a child will be his problem and he will have to “deal with the consequences.” I guarantee that you’ll be the one suffering. Even if you refuse to help with the child, you’ll still suffer emotionally. Not to mention, all of us will suffer if there are more teenage mothers out there. This is coming from someone who had her baby much too young.</p>
<p>As for the girlfriend, let her mother handle her child.</p>
<p>Well, as the mother of two daughters, I have a different take on it. If my D were being sexually active and not on the pill? I’d really want to know in order to be able to get her protection! Seriously. </p>
<p>It’s not your “responsibility” to tell the Mom, but I would actually appreciate knowing, personally. Girls pay a much higher price for pregnancy and have to be much more careful, but they are teenagers, too.</p>
<p>If you do do the mother the favor of letting her know, please do not present it that “the girl is sucking” my poor innocent son into sex, since he isn’t really interested in her but he is “usiing” her for sex, though. I don’t think that would go over very well.</p>
<p>Do not talk with the girl’s mother. Do talk with your son. Do not just talk with your son. Hand him a box of condoms and tell him that if he feels he’s old enough for sex, than he’s old enough to have sex responsibly.</p>
<p>I agree with ~everyone that you should talk to your son again about birth control (and also about the wisdom, or lack thereof, of being sexually intimate with a girl who won’t go on birth control herself).</p>
<p>First thing I would do was make sure it’s legal. Varies state to state. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you told this girl’s mom and she filed charges of statutory rape against your son?</p>
<p>You must talk to your son in a way that will make him see what the costs of this relationship can be. Look, you have a perfect example in the girlfriend’s older sister and her baby, and that baby’s father! Talk about the daddy’s situation - how he must feel about giving up a social life because of the baby, how he needs to provide for that baby AND the mom, AND himself. He may not be able to go to college, certainly not a four year school out of town such as the one your son enjoys. Make it clear that those responsibilities are his for TWENTY YEARS. Does he want to have to deal with this clingy girl for that long? Also make it clear that you consider him warned and will not pay for college if he has a child. You can play Springsteen’s “The River” in the background.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to reduce this to a dollars and cents issue, but he does not seem responsive to the approach that he is hurting this girl. Her behavior is confusing to a young man, especially one who needs more maturity to see the larger issues.</p>
I don’t think that would go over very well.</p>