<p>Do you ever expect to borrow or utilize their summer home? Then I think the correct thing to do would be to help out.
If you don’t want to take the opportunity to strengthen your family relationships, then don’t.</p>
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<p>My m-i-l would never allow someone to stay at her house unless she was there as well, for a variety of reasons.</p>
<p>Other family members, who are planning on staying 9 days, will not be expected to help out. They’ll spend the week doing fun things that people normally do in vacation towns. </p>
<p>The last time I visited her I tried to take my family to do one 3 hour activity for fun out of a 5 day trip, and I literally got screamed at for being so being so rude. It was something that we had pre-arranged to do, but apparantly the rules all changed once we arrived.</p>
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<p>EmeraldKity, if I thought in a million years that spend a few days helping out around the house would create a good relationship between my m-i-l and me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. That’d be something that no money could ever buy.</p>
<p>Sadly, it is up to my m-i-l to decide that she wants an improved relationship. She doesn’t, and I can’t change that. But if she does, I’m here.</p>
<p>OP - The collected wisdom of CCers will provide some excellent thoughts, but only you and your wife can decide the best path to take. I visit my M-I-L every other year or so. Fun times? Hardly. But it’s important to my wife (and my wife’s sanity … her mom’s um, difficult), so I do it. But the schedule and itinerary are mine. </p>
<p>Try to figure out what the important issues are, and act on those. Lurking beneath the surface of this “should I or shouldn’t I?” is an internal conflict worth resolving. Good luck with the introspection!</p>
<p>Depends on how friendly I am with the in-laws, my abilities, and whether they’ve had a pattern of using me as a slave labor with overentitlement and/or lack of expressed appreciation/common courtesy. </p>
<p>If relations are friendly and the latter does not apply…help out without any hesitation. However…this doesn’t sound like it’d be the case. In that case, I’d decline and take the consequences of the inevitable possible fallout…especially if your wife feels as similarly as you do. </p>
<p>Granted…I’ve been pretty lucky that no one on either side of my extended family would ever think of pulling something like this with other relatives…it’d be considered an atrocious example of poor manners in being a good host.* Heck…an uncle who asks me to come over to help with computer issues always insists on paying me and sending me off with a nice dinner. </p>
<p>Hope I don’t end up with in-laws who think nothing of using their son-in-laws as slave labor to be taken for granted. :(</p>
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<li>At a recent party hosted by a friend, the host was so overwhelmed and tired that he apologetically asked me and another guest to stay and help with the dishes/cleanup. Had no issues here because he’s pretty cool and doesn’t take undue advantage of others. However, I know better than to relate this to anyone in my extended family…I’d never hear the end of their incendiary umbrage that I am friends with a host who made such a serious imposition on an invited guest…even if it was a once in a blue moon emergency.</li>
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<p>To me, the fact that this is the in-laws’ VACATION home is the deciding factor. This home–and the repairs on it–are luxury items. If they can afford to keep a vacation home, they can afford to have it repaired without your help. Or, you could tell them that you’ll come and help in return for a week at the house just for your family later on. That way, it’ll be them saying no.</p>
<p>Life’s too short to spend precious vacation time doing something you don’t want to do, and which isn’t appreciated at all. </p>
<p>Why should you be treated differently than the other relatives who get to enjoy their stay at the vacation house?</p>
<p>As another one of those who moved away and has spent lots of time over 30+ years making visits out of state to parents and inlaws ,I know it is difficult. It is hard enough having to use vacation time/ money to visit an in-laws’ actual home ,let alone having to visit a second home (especially if you are expected to make repairs on this vacation home and they could drop by YOUR home to visit instead on the way to the vacation place). Doesn’t sound like much fun and from what you’ve described, I would pass. Sounds like they need to hire locals to fix their place. However, as others have said,lots comes into play here so only you can decide what’s best to do in this situation. Good luck!</p>
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Why the double standard?</p>
<p>Who inherits the house?</p>
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That’d be enough for me to never stay with them again. Given this context, why’s there even a question?</p>
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<p>I don’t talk inheritence with them, and nor does my wife (as should be the case). But, from everything that I have seen, I fully expect we’ll not be included in the will since I am expected to take care of my wife and I, and any assets will be given to the other kids. So, should the house still be in the family, I expect it will be sold by the estate and the proceeds split among the other kids.</p>
<p>Which I’m ok with, primarily because we are able to take care of ourselves, but more importantly because I don’t think there will be much left, especially if any sort of nursing home or extended living care becomes required.</p>
<p>Sometimes families get bad dynamics going. Those dynamics are very convenient for some family members and very painful and difficult for others.</p>
<p>It sounds to me that you are trapped in a bad family dynamic. You are in a double-bind. You are being asked to toss your body on top of the hand grenades being tossed in your direction in order to save the people tossing the hand grenades at you. </p>
<p>In my experience, you can’t fix this situation. You are better off enjoying your life.</p>
<p>Not all parents are mom and pop who’ve done so much for the kids. Some parents have taken tremendous advantage and don’t then also get to play the “we’re getting old, now” card, as well.</p>
<p>Good luck. I hope you and your wife are on the same page. Most of your posts about this family make it clear that they have really hurt your feelings over the years. It’s unfortunate, but not something you can change. What you can change is how you treat yourself.</p>
<p>I think that it’s totally unreasonable for your in-laws to expect you to drive a long distance and give up your vacation time without taking any time to enjoy yourself.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how your wife feels about things, but I think that you should use your vacation time for an actual vacation.</p>
<p>How about this–send your wife, but you go on a fishing trip with some friends.</p>
<p>I’ve been reading with interest…engineer, it doesn’t sound like there’s any real reason for you to consider going on this trip, unless it’s a big deal for your wife. Is it? Is her vacation time also very limited, or is she more flexible? If spending time with her parents is a big deal for her, and she has more flexibility, then the best approach might be to arrange for her to spend some time at her parents’ vacation house, without your accompanying her.</p>
<p>It’s one week of your life. There will be plenty of time for you and your wife to go on more fun and relaxing vacations , but if your parents or in laws are getting older…
My husband’s parents live in Sweden and he went back there to help his step-dad post hip replacement surgery since his mother cannot take care of him in her own declining health. I joined him after two weeks to both help out ( as in cleaning the house, helping then shop and get around, cook and also haul trash from an apartment building they own…meanwhile his only brother and wife who live minutes away can’t find the time to help with anything. Grand daughter lives in town and has no job , but will not do anything to help unless she gets paid
I also spent 3 weeks total helping my own mother last year when she had cataract surgeries.
I would do it all again in a heartbeat because I know that the day is coming when they will no longer be around
As a side note , we also took a couple of days before coming home to be alone a take a cruise to Norway and a night in Copenhagen , so that was nice for us to have the time alone too</p>
<p>This is a sort of personal rant against my family that the OP made me think about. No useful advice so you are warned!</p>
<p>My aunt inherited my grandmother’s house even though my uncle (her husband and my grandmother’s son) had died first. My uncle and his wife (my aunt) lived with my grandparents their whole married life. My uncle worked for ATT so he made decent $ but they never paid a mortgage or rent. My aunt and uncle even won the lottery to the tune of 40k/yr for 20 years. Somehow they made my grandmother think they did HER a favor by living there. They might have paid for a few small things concerning the house, but granny covered most of it. My grandmother must have been oblivious to how much $ they had because she left the house to “poor Nancy” rather than one of her two surviving children. My mom and her brother got a share, but Nancy got more. Why do those that do less for themselves get rewarded and those who work hard and have a home etc to show for it, get penalized for doing well. The kicker was that “poor Nancy” should have tons of $ stashed away, whatever’s left after Atlantic City and vacations. Poor Nancy was only “poor” in the sense that her husband died (smoking will kill you.) I guess my grandmother coudldn’t fathom her taking care of herself and getting her own house. Nancy has 5 sons who could have helped her. Of course 2 of them live at home, one is a loser and the other has been manipulated to think that his mother can’t manage without him. Nancy is only 61 or 62. Granny passed away several years ago.</p>
<p>I only say all this because OP mentioned that other family members will get the house because I assume they are needier. I wonder how needier they are, and how fair it is when they might be needier simply because they didn’t work as hard.</p>
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But they’re still working and therefore not pensioners, have a vacation home and therefore aren’t destitute, and decided to do all the work themselves and therefore aren’t disabled and are probably capable people. This doesn’t fit the mold of the elderly parents needing the kids to come in and do some routine tasks for them.</p>
<p>The OP’s scenario sounds completely different than the scenario you described for your H’s parents.</p>
<p>“Other family members, who are planning on staying 9 days, will not be expected to help out. They’ll spend the week doing fun things that people normally do in vacation towns.”</p>
<p>This would drive me crazy. How are you the designated lucky one? I would not put up with that or being screamed at. Suggest they hire a handyman.</p>
<p>This is NOT a vacation. If my parents EVER expected/wanted us to visit and do chores/fix-it stuff at their home for a good portion of the visit, they would pay for the airfare. Period.</p>
<p>The last time I visited her I tried to take my family to do one 3 hour activity for fun out of a 5 day trip, and I literally got screamed at for being so being so rude. It was something that we had pre-arranged to do, but apparantly the rules all changed once we arrived.</p>
<p>Ok…that would have been it for me. I hope your wife defended you immediately. My MIL overstepped boundaries ONE TIME with me. And I let her know firmly that she had.</p>