<p>Do what you would want your own son-in-law to do someday. </p>
<p>Even if your in-laws are not unemployed, destitute or disabled…you don’t know how long you have them to enjoy.</p>
<p>"…you don’t know how long you have them to enjoy."</p>
<p>Not sure “enjoy” is the operative word in this instance.</p>
<p>“Not sure “enjoy” is the operative word in this instance.”</p>
<p>Perhaps “enjoy” was said in sarcasm? Or some of the OPs posts were missed.</p>
<p>Look, if what we’re reading is accurate, these people have treated you poorly and don’t seem to like you very much. Even if you’ve given them some reason, this is unacceptable. And your wife should realize this and not want you to be treated poorly either, it was her job not to allow this, these are her parents. You’ve said that nothing you do will make it change, so sometimes you should just give up.</p>
<p>God forbid if we were ever in that circumstance, I would once again invite my parents to visit. If they refused and I really wanted to see them, I’d go visit them for a few days on my own. I would not drag my overworked husband to be their handy man and put up with rudeness. It is not right, and you should not do it. Even if your wife is timid and afraid of her parents, you can always have a wicked plan that you happen to get sick at the last minute, and can’t fly. I prefer the truth (or at least avoidance of the issue if the truth can’t be handled), but if worse comes to worse, a good excuse is far better than going there and suffering. It would be a different situation if they were kind and loving to you.</p>
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<p>In short, be a doormat, stop complaining, and ask “Please, may I have another”(mistreatment). IMHO…life’s too short to accept being mistreated and abused for the sake of illusory “family harmony”. </p>
<p>Being family isn’t a license to wantonly take other family members…even younger members for granted, use as slave labor, or to be mistreated/abused.</p>
<p>Thank you all. I’m going to sign off the thread at this point, but thank you all for your valued input.</p>
<p>I was giong to answer one way, as the dutiful son in law, intil I read this line
Then I did an about face. You are not Cinderella. You should not be expected to clean while the others play. That is just wrong. Thank them politely for the invitation but let them know you have made other plans (that may involve pins and voo doo dolls 
)</p>
<p>One of greatest acts of love a man could show his wife is through his kindness to her parents. They are getting older but in their younger years they were loving and devoted parents…so whats one week in anyones life? Part of marraige and love is in making some sacrifices such as giving up part of vacation time to help the people that raised the wife that you love.</p>
<p>By the way this works two ways. I assume you have parents as well. One day you will hope that your wife is equally kind to your parents. If you don’t start a marraige off surrounding it with love than little by little the seams split apart.</p>
<p>Referring to your in-laws as “some people,” is also quite telling. It may be that he feels that he owes them nothing, because they mean nothing to him. He’s almost incredulous that they would expect him to pitch-in. My sister was married to a man who sounds just like the OP. </p>
<p>I second momma-three’s advice - it is much better to show love and kindness, if not for them, then for your wife.</p>
<p>OP:</p>
<p>To be quite blunt, I think your in laws have quite a nerve to draft you against your will as a free laborer. It’s quite obvious that the primary purpose is NOT to spend time with you and your wife since they refuse to stop by on their way, but to have you there to help them out for home repair.</p>
<p>I would NEVER, ever ask my kids to do anything like it for me. I also do NOT buy into the “if you love your spouse, you do this” line of family business . If anything, I live by the motto “if you love your spouse, you would NEVER ask him to do things he does not like to do in the name of love”. Whatever he does for me or my side of the family has to be out of his good will, NOT due to a soft emotional blackmail from me. I would never ask my H to do things for my parents that he does not like to do. If he volunteers, I would be grateful. </p>
<p>So far, this actually makes him VERY appreciative of my parents. What do I gain on a long term by forcing him to do things for my parents while he is resenting it? It only creates animosity. I also made it very clear to my parents that they have the right to demand certain things FROM ME, but they have absolutely no right to demand ANYTHING from my husband since he does not owe them anything. Whatever he does, he does out of generosity and kindness. The same goes the other way around. My husband have absolutely no expectation that he can demand anything from my parents or take their generosity for granted. They don’t owe him anything.</p>
<p>I have tried to protect each party from the other. I set the rule that each party can only appreciate the good will from the other party, but have NO right to demand any.</p>
<p>I don’t know whether it is due to this policy or not, but my parents and my H get along famously well. They never take each other for granted. They are very happy when they are given something, and they volunteer to give, but not never demand.</p>
<p>BTW: my husband also knows that by demanding that I do certain things for his side of the family, he loses in the end. Recently, my H’s sister and her husband came to visit for10 days. He loves his sister. SO do I. Out of enthusiasm, he came up with all sorts of ideas of “how to make they stay more pleasant”, which would become my action items to a large degree. I said “dear, the more fuss you make out of this whole visit, they less they will be welcome in my heart, because I will feel like a hotel hostess, rather than a beloved sister in law to D (her initial). I may do things as you expect, but I won’t enjoy it. I won’t look forward to their next visit”. That stopped my H cold. He understood. His sister and her husband came. We had a truly lovely time together, and I actually enjoyed fussing about them. </p>
<p>My policy: I won’t take anything that is not given out of joy and good will. Neither should they expect that from me and expect me to actually love doing it for them.</p>
<p>Back to OP: If I were you, I would calmly discuss this with my spouse. If she insists on it, I may do it out of a concern for her, but she should realize that in the long run, this is not a sustainable way to maintain a good relationship with the in laws. I don’t think you have anything to be defensive about your wishes, desires, and reluctance, because I think your in laws are completely out of line - at least in my book. If she agrees with you, it’s her role to deal with her parents, and let them understand the plan won’t work. She can employ some white lies: that you are stressed out or you have professional conflict, whatever.</p>
<p>We don’t know the whole story, but it seems that OP has been taken advantage of and his efforts in the past have been taken for granted and not appreciated. There is a double standard between OP and other family members. Not only that, it seems that his mil has been rude and he has been yelled at for trying to enjoy his visit. Not only is this unacceptable in itself, but if there are children and I assume there are, they should not be subjected to having to witness a grandparent treating a parent with such disrespect, imo.</p>
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<p>Wow! I guess I come from a place of mutual respect with my in-laws. When they ask me to do something, I feel honored that they want my help, and I’m happy to do it. Of course, they are reasonable people and they certainly don’t expect me to slave for them. We don’t have any sort of understanding brokered by my husband - honestly, it would never occur to me that we would need such a thing. Nor does a week away at a vacation home to weed, paint, or whatever sound particularly abhorrent. I like to stay busy, and I don’t mind helping out and accomplishing something. To each his own.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom,</p>
<p>I actually DO QUITE A LOT for my in laws. My H does A LOT for my side of the family. The idea is NOT to be selfish, but create a family dynamics where people are doing things for each other out of good will, not because of a grim determination to do the “RIGHT” thing against their own sentiment. On a long run, I believe in family relationship that is based on volunteerism, genuine good will, and mutual respect, not a sense of obligation and duty.</p>
<p>I never asked my own sons (18 and 20) to do things for me or my H as a filial duty and obligation. They do it out of love and sincere good will. They are thoughtful and considerate of our needs and sentiments because they were never under the obligation to be so. They know they don’t have to do anything, but they WANT to do things for us that please us. I never told them to call us on a regular interval in college. They call several times a week and sometimes talk to us over an hour. They do it because they enjoy it. They don’t do it because they must do it if they love their parents.</p>
<p>We don’t know the whole story, but in the first post the OP states:</p>
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<p>He doesn’t say that anyone asked him to help, he assumes that it’s perceived to be “the right thing to do.”</p>
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<p>He doesn’t say that MIL expects anything from him, just that SHE wants to get to the house to start the repairs. For all we know, the roof is leaking and she needs to get it fixed. </p>
<p>I also don’t understand how it can cost “several hundred dollars, plus two days travel time, plus several vacation days” to get there.</p>
<p>Honestly, the way I read it, the OP feels put out with the mere suggestion that he help out. If I had to bet money, I’d bet no one actually asked him directly to do anything - he’s just trying to formulate an argument why they have no business expecting anything of him ever.</p>
<p>gourmetmom-
I was initially in agreement with you, that they should suck it up to maintainrelations with the parents/inlaws, until I read post 22. If he is expected to be mr. handyman while everyone else goes out to play, thats ridiculous and unreasonable. Keep in mind that I have been dealing with my own recent situation of feeling taken advantage of for yet another time (see thread “to keep quiet or not…”) so I am all for his having a bit of a backbone. That said, for the last 8 years my DH hand I have had to go up to my (now late) dad’s house and fix whatever needed fixing. We sucked it up and did it. Year after year. My bro did nothing. Claimed he wasn’t good at those sorts of things. Puleeze.</p>
<p>Then there’s the post that indicated the OP and his wife will not get any share of the house, or whatever its worth, when the assets are divided after the inlaws die. That is just unkind. So, why should the OP subject himself to this abuse?</p>
<p>I’m already on record here as saying he should ask his W if he can send a gift check to hire local labor, perhaps send the W for one week alone so she doesn’t not see her parents, and let all the rest go. </p>
<p>That said, I have a few questions to know if we’re hearing all sides of this story. Does the FIL wants to bond with his SIL, paintbrush in hand and a few beers? I’m asking: how intense is the fix-up work? Are you lifting, constructing, loading things into a pickup truck…or just kind of, doing a productive chore while chewing the fat? Maybe he wants to get to know you better.</p>
<p>Another point: when some men look at women “visiting” and “not working” what they’re seeing is a lot of talkative women in a kitchen, or shopping (but at a GROCERY store). They’re visiting through the day, while fixing up a big dinner and cleaning up to MIL’s standards afterward, all for the assembled men and children. At least, that’s how I spent a LOT of gender-ghettoized ““vacations”” at my MIL’s house! Double scare quotes, because it was scary how much work we had to do. Peals of laughter came out of the kitchen, but we were working constantly…plus all that childcare and diapering. </p>
<p>That was at the “main” house, though; my inlaws were of very modest means and lightyears from being able to afford a vacation home. </p>
<p>I’m just remembering that at our MIL/FIL’s, work and play co-mingled. But they were also very decent to me in most ways, so what was asked of me I didn’t mind. Had they been nasty, selfish or inconsiderate people, all bets are off and I’d have limited my visits a lot. Life’s too short.</p>
<p>Jym, it sounds as if he is just speculating that he’s not included in the will, but he really does not know:</p>
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<p>From what I can ascertain, the OP just doesn’t want to do it, and he’s looking for some way to get out of it and still stay in good form with his wife. Perhaps by making his in-laws seem unreasonable and demanding, he can do that. Maybe he can convince her that they don’t want to take the trip because her parents are absolutely awful. That way, he can get what he wants (not go to their house), and make it seem like he’s done nothing wrong (keep her from her parents).</p>
<p>Again, by referring to his in-laws as “some people,” IMO, the OP showed his real attitude.</p>
<p>Is this:</p>
<p>"I’d be more interested if we did fun things while we were there. But I can’t see how visiting some people while they are in the middle of home repairs will be a very neat way for us to spend our vacation time this summer. "</p>
<p>The sentence that sticks in your craw, gourmetmom? Yes perhaps it could have been worded differently or bettter, but I don’t see it as being as offensive as you seem to. I take the sentence as a statement in generalities.</p>
<p>** adding:
From additional posts it sounds like the OP and his MIL do not have a very good relationship. As I always say, nobody is blameless. But he is feeling like he is being selectively taken advantage of and treated unkindly by his MIL. Sounds like he and his wife need to be on the same page and his wife needs to talk to her mom.</p>
<p>As usual, a lot of speculating going on. Does it really matter whether OP is in the will or not? Do people really think that way? He has been treated poorly and is reluctant to be treated that way again, on top of the cost and loss of his vacation time. I don’t blame him.</p>
<p>It was his speculation about what will happen with the house after they die, ohiomom, which made him feel even more put upon. At least thats how I read it.</p>
<p>jym, I wasn’t thinking of the will when I mentioned speculation, more this:</p>
<p>"From what I can ascertain, the OP just doesn’t want to do it, and he’s looking for some way to get out of it and still stay in good form with his wife. Perhaps by making his in-laws seem unreasonable and demanding, he can do that. Maybe he can convince her that they don’t want to take the trip because her parents are absolutely awful. That way, he can get what he wants (not go to their house), and make it seem like he’s done nothing wrong (keep her from her parents).</p>
<p>Again, by referring to his in-laws as “some people,” IMO, the OP showed his real attitude."</p>
<p>If OP is treated the way he described, I can see there being distance between them.</p>