<p>Through God’s grace, this is <em>not</em> my drama but I’m curious… </p>
<p>My dd’s friend dated a young man though same high school and a few years in same college. They were talking marriage after graduation and families got along. Young lady got pregnant and young man dumped her saying he wasn’t ready. He has not told his parents. His parents are clueless and have tried to contact young lady-- who doesn’t want to be the one to tell his parents. </p>
<p>I think this young lady is hoping that somehow, the young man will reconsider – but there have been no signs of that. She does NOT want to shoulder all the responsibility only for young man to come into the child’s life in 5 years. </p>
<p>I keep wondering if it were my son’s girlfriend, if I wouldn’t want her to tell me. And I keep wondering if it were my daughter, if I would urge her to tell his parents.</p>
<p>I would love to know how other parents feel. I keep turning this one around in my head.</p>
<p>I am assuming the young lady wishes to keep her baby. If it were my daughter, I would absolutely urge her to tell his parents. They are the baby’s grandparents, after all! In addition, it would be much kinder to let his parents know before she sues the father for child support … which I most certainly hope she will be doing if he thinks he is just going to be able to walk off into the sunset. I would advise her to give him time (God gave us 9 months so guys could get used to the idea). However, when it is clear that others will know she’s pregnant, if he hasn’t shared the news … she should.</p>
<p>If she wants to give the baby up for adoption, she will need to have the father sign off. In this case, it would be a good idea to make sure he is making an informed decision. My friend adopted a baby through a private adoption & the dad took the baby away after several months … he had signed off, but in our state he actually had the right to come in & take the child after signing adoption papers.</p>
<p>His parents should know, he also needs to be told tough luck, ready or not, he has obligations to the child for the next 18 years - having his parents aware should help them be helpful with their son understanding his obligations. I would want to know, and support my grandchild. I hate to say this, but I would also want the DNA proof of parentage. By no means would I allow the father’s parents to force the mother to keep the child so they could play the grandparenting role, no matter what financial promises are made. I also would not make any promises to the future grandparents regarding their involvement in the child’s life. It would be tough enough to raise a child as a single parent without interfering relatives. I also would not allow the couple to have a shotgun marriage, since he left her he needs to want to return and not be pressured into it by anyone, including his parents (I would worry about their motives in wanting the marriage).</p>
<p>It’s not a call I would want to receive, but it’s a call I should receive, like it or not. It’s also one I would prefer to receive sooner rather than later. It would take me 9 months to get get used to the idea of being a grandparent ;)</p>
<p>The young woman needs to start sticking up for the baby now. The young man does bear responsibility for this child, even if not the mother. He might never be present for the child physically or emotionally, but he does have financial responsibilities. It’s best his parents are aware of that now. He might change his mind at some point regarding the young woman, but until that day happens she needs to make it VERY clear to him that he will be required to assist in financially supporting the child. If he was a bad person she might want to end all involvement and forego any financial assistance, but from what you’ve said that doesn’t appear to be the case. </p>
<p>It’s time for him to “man up.” If the young woman has to tell his parents in order to facilitate that so be it.</p>
<p>I can only add that I think pregnant young woman should speak directly to father-to-be first-hand and specifically tell him “you tell them or I will”. Don’t just tell parents, don’t just assume son will, be specific, and give him a specific time limit to tell them, or she will act.
Also she should be prepared for questions/attitudes of she tried to get pregnant, or at least didn’t try not to, did it on purpose to trap him, is it his, and many similar ideas. Sadly I feel they are legitimate questions but are indelicate and can be very hurtful without the right timing and diplomacy.</p>
<p>loving tom1944’s answer. I have a friend whose DD is in a similar situation. She is clear she is putting his name on the birth certificate, he is clear he will be paying child support. Unfortunately he is in the service and won’t be participating in the baby’s life in any case. If it were my DD I would heavily counsel for adoption.<br>
I know couples who waited years and had to go to other countries to finally adopt.<br>
Of course his parents should know and if he won’t tell them she should. If it were my DD and she was adamant about raising this baby I would insist that the baby know BOTH sets of grandparents. That baby will need all the adult love and support it can get. Regardless it will always feel the loss/lack of its father.</p>
<p>She’s quite a bit along by now. Oddly enough, her mother is thrilled but also thinks his parents shouldn’t know. I don’t quite get her mom’s position but maybe she’s trying to protect her. (She only has daughters so maybe she doesn’t see the other side.) The girl is less thrilled, especially since she had to drop out of college but she is planning on keeping the baby.</p>
<p>Legally speaking, the father of the baby is obligated to support his child. It’s not a matter of choice, of not feeling ready, etc… The mother should have no say in it.</p>
<p>The daughter’s mother may not want the boy’s parents to know because they don’t want intervention from them. If that’s the case, they should deal with it now instead of having it come back to bite them in the back later. The only thing I want to add is, do not marry this guy, not for the baby’s sake or for any reason. He is not man enough to be father or a husband.</p>
<p>Her mother “is thrilled”? I cannot fathom ever feeling thrilled if one of my daughters had to drop out of college due to an unplanned pregnancy with a boyfriend who dumped her.</p>
<p>What on earth is wrong with this mother in this equation? How could a mother be thrilled about her D having to drop out of school to raise a child outside of marriage? </p>
<p>Moreover how could this mother prefer the other grandparents not to know? </p>
<p>The best interests of the child (and possibly her D as well), is to have as many loving supportive family members as possible, to know and have a relationship with ones grandparents, to have all the support that grandparents and a family bring. A single mom also needs tremendous family support. Such grandparents may also bridge the gap between the father and the child, and if not, at least fill the void of an absent father.</p>
<p>Methinks the mother in this equation is so focused on her own needs, she is unable to put the needs of her D and grandchild first.</p>
<p>Without knowing more about the people involved, my tendency is to trust the mother on a question like this. If she doesn’t want the father in her child’s (and her) life, there may be a good reason for it. (And the little we know about him doesn’t speak well of him.) Involving the paternal grandparents isn’t going to help in that respect. As a formal matter, they have no rights whatsoever, and inviting them in may be asking for trouble.</p>
<p>Remember, this young woman may well marry someone else in the foreseeable future, and want her husband to adopt the child. That’s not uncommon at all.</p>
<p>Without knowing what any of these people are like, here goes.</p>
<p>It sounds like the whole tribe lives in the same area. The baby’s mother and father should tell the fraternal grandparents in person. Otherwise someone at the grocery store will tell them. How old is the father anyway?<br>
Eighteen years of support, ready or not.</p>
<p>I am not jumping on the maternal grandmother. It sounds to me like she is making lemons out of lemonade, not that she is thrilled her daughter is pregnant, etc. She probably doesn’t expect the other grandparents to never know.</p>
<p>JHS, it’s not that the girl doesn’t want the young man in her or the baby’s life. She is actually hopeful that he return to her. What she doesn’t want is to do all the work and have him waltz back into the child’s life years from now. It’s not about the father being unfit; it’s about anger.</p>
<p>Alwaysamom, a girl in my neighborhood got pregnant her first semester of college, dropped out, and lives with her grandma in the house across the street from her mom & stepdad. Her mom was thrilled to pieces. The father lived with her for a few months, then he returned to college & they broke up (he does provide support). Flash forward a year, and the girl is pregnant again … different guy. Her mom is ecstatic. Some moms actually ARE excited about their teen daughters being pregnant, I guess. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, we moms of teen boys in the nieghborhood have used the situation as a very real warning to our boys!!!</p>
<p>Obviously, the young lady did not choose to do that. In light of that fact, I doubt that it would “solve” anything. Abortion is a choice, not a solution. Any pregnancy is life-changing for the mother, regardless of the choices made. It’s not a joking matter.</p>
<p>Maybe not…or maybe he has had a panic attack and is just scared. If his parents knew, they could talk to him and try to find out what is going on. Perhaps he just needs some encouragement that he really can do this. He has been with this girl a long time, so clearly he’s not the love 'em and leave 'em type.</p>
<p>I sure would like him to see the you tube video of Kenny Chesney singing “There Goes My Life”. It starts like this:
All he could think about was I’m too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Hell I’m just a kid myself.
How’m I gonna raise one.</p>
<p>All he could see were his dreams goin’ up in smoke.
So much for ditchin’ this town and hangin’ out on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone.</p>
<p>[Chorus:]
And he said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life…</p>